They that be with us - Chapter Nine

This is chapter nine from my big gay Mormon book. It's called                  

They That Be With Us - Finding the Connection Between Being Gay and    Being Mormon.    

Coping With Limited Options; Sleeves or No Sleeves

              

Julie: The young women of the church have been a bit of a quandary as I see it. This chapter is not about the young women, so keep reading. 

Several in my ward are fashion conscious and often lament the lack of dresses they can wear for prom. In a nutshell – they have to have sleeves and there aren’t sleeves out there except in maternity or for maturity. They have been thorough in their investigation, searching everywhere online and off to find a cache of modest stylish dresses they can draw from for formal and not so formal activities. However, as of this writing, the fickle finger of fashion is not pointing to modesty and it doesn’t look promising for the future.

Their young women leader finally said in exasperation, it looks like the only thing we can do about it is to be happy with sleeves and dresses that aren’t as pretty, or to change what we think is pretty. The idea went over as well as pork and beans at Passover. And yet, that is what it has come down to for many of us who wish to follow the prophet’s guidelines for modesty. The world may think it’s pretty. The girls may think it’s pretty. But they will wear something else. 

It doesn’t seem like much of a choice.

Those dealing with SGA are faced with the same apparent lack of choice; be morally clean, or not.

There is Always a Choice

Calvin: Our choices, more than any other single thing allow us to see who we really are.  The process of choosing gives shape and meaning to our existence.  Even “not making a choice” is choosing one over the other, and is an indicator of us to the core. 

To underscore this, here is a story taken right from the pages of my…I mean, this story is strictly hypothetical, and is an example of the fact that often, how we choose to do anything is usually how we choose to do everything:

Some Guy’s Tale

One day while minding his own business Some Guy got in a traffic accident with Brother Benign. Mr. Guy rages at everyone involved and a few who were not.  Fortunately, his son had borrowed all the tire changing equipment so there was no tire iron to brandish, and his license was at home in his wallet so he couldn’t give everyone a paper cut.  While several people did their best to help, Mr. Some Guy, acted like he was on a weekend pass from the state hospital and the cops hauled him in.  This did not improve Mr. Guy’s frame of mind.  He is now at war not only with poor Brother Benign, but cops, lawyers, the jail cafeteria, a judge and a dainty reporter from the Happy Valley Press named Roberta who looked at him funny.  Following his accident, arrest incarceration, plea bargain and a stint in anger management classes, Mr. S. Guy raged from one street performance to the next as the star and common denominator in every altercation - never seeing that he himself was the problem.  His attitude never changed, nor did his way of thinking.  He continued as he always had been and got what he has always gotten.

Brother Benign deals with the dent in his car by jogging for a half an hour after he gets home from work and by telling his wife – who looks on the bright side and jokes with him.  He then takes out his frustration by downloading from the internet a simplistic car body repair guide and spends a few weekends fixing his car. It doesn’t end up looking perfect, but good enough. Brother Benign lives to a ripe old age where he dies from too much fresh air and pineapple on a Jamaican cruise, and not from a stroke at age forty-two like some nameless others.

The same problem was had by both. One chose to react in such a way that he was miserable and defeated. The other made choices that led to other positive choices.

“Waiter, I Would Like A Different Menu, Please.”

Many would say that chastity is an absolute waste of time, that sex is part of us and we should both celebrate and enjoy it.

They’re right, at least partially right; sex is a part of us, and “we are that we may have joy”. It’s the timing that can be critical.  We will explain by chapters end.

A short time back I remember a man in the news who had to cut off his own arm in order to survive. They’ve even made a movie about it.

When I first heard about the event and I was absolutely in awe and wonder that this man survived in such a matter.  He cut part of himself off in order that the rest of him could survive.  What a horrible choice to have to make, and how brave foresighted. 

I sit here in my air-conditioned office with a juice glass at my side and I try to imagine myself in the same situation. I don't think it would have crossed my mind to cut off my arm. What was he thinking?

Well, I suppose he was thinking about having a family someday, and about lightly battered shrimp, or a Manhattan Transfer concert, or a walk on the beach or any of the other things of which he would never again have the pleasure of doing if he were dead of starvation, hanging from a bolder in southern Utah. You gotta hand it to the guy.  Cutting off his arm meant that he then had freedom.  Ironic.

When the Answer is “No”

Can I stay out late?  Can I have gay or straight sex outside of marriage?  Can I take the new car to Northern Wisconsin for the tulip festival?

No, no, and, what on earth?

We have the ability and the right to choose, a right we all fought for. We have our agency, but our ability to make a choice does not guarantee that the choice is what’s best for us, or that we somehow can avoid the consequences of a poor choice.

Calvin: When I am not in the mood for a “no” answer and I think one is coming, I sometimes try to avoid it by not asking the question.  I’m smart like that.  I can also ignore a no and discredit the authority, or I can pretend that there is no authority in the first place. I can believe that what I want is better, smarter, and more important than what He wants, that He must not love me because He said no, or equate easy with what is right.

All of these help me deal with a “no” answer I didn’t want to hear in the first place.

Regardless of my antics to get my way, “no” is still “no”, and I don’t know why the answer won’t change. Part of it may be simple obedience – will I do what He asks when I really want to do something else.  There may be basic rules or laws at the creation that must be abided by.  I just don’t know.

I believe and trust in my Father and those who speak for Him on earth. Even if the politicians and lawyers and neighborhood-watch programs allow, Father doesn't.  This is why we were clear with our belief, faith, and trust in God right at the beginning of this book.

I can't, in my right mind and with an ego larger than some eastern states, believe that what I want, or that the knowledge I have supersedes that of my Father in Heaven.

May I put you on hold, please?

There is part of myself I choose to put on hold and don’t focus on in order to live in a manner that I think is right. I believe the prophet when he states that there is no homosexuality in the afterlife nor was there in the life before we came to earth. There’s a part of me that’s not complete here, and may never be in this life. If I focus only on the things I can’t do I’m in trouble, but if I center my thoughts on the things I can do and do well then things are much more positive.

Like Mr. Ralston (of Pick Which Hand fame), the options presented to us may not seem all that great at the time, but it’s important to remember that we always have a choice. When I’m feeling frustrated, discourage or with limited options, I concentrate the following thoughts.

Cal Thompsons’ Power to the People List

I remember the ability I have to change what I think and what I do.  I try to be ready to switch-out something positive for whatever negative element I am trying to eliminate.

I remember that some cycles are bound to happen – sometimes I am up and sometimes not so up.  I try not to give up or punish myself over perceived failure. And I am very okay with periodic rewards for good behavior.

I choose to be happy. When there seems little else, I remember that this option is always available.

I try to not compare myself to anyone else. One can always find someone more spiritually, mentally or physically buff.  I don’t sweat it. Guys, do you want to see a real man?  Look in the mirror.  Same to you ladies only get your own mirror.

I remember that there is work involved and that things are not going to get better on their own. I try to make use of the resources available, and I stop trying to reinvent the wheel.

I identify problem areas so that when I see a clear sign of upcoming trouble, I can take action.  I don’t wait around for the problem-fairy to fix it, because I am the problem fairy.

I keep at it. The spiritual terminology is to endure, but that sounds resigned to me.  I prefer “Keep at it”. 

Adversity is the source of our deepest growth and greatest 

blessings; embrace it, dare to seek it.  - Aron Ralston

Realistically, How Much Choice Do I Have In My Choice?

Calvin: If I’d been allowed to shop for my challenges before coming to earth, I’d have probably picked things like learning humility despite being heart-breakingly handsome or the challenge of overcoming greed by learning to share my vast wealth and power.

Those things may have to wait. I got stuck with things like learning faith in adversity, compassion under fire, and this ever present SGA. I can’t return these challenges like a shirt that doesn’t quite fit or pants that I have decided make me look fat. And I can’t trade them for someone else’s troubles (not that I’d want to.)

But I still have a choice in the matter. I can mope and pout or I can thrive. I can take my challenges by the horns and wrestle them into submission and let the lessons they teach work their magic on me, or I can let the bull run me over and leave me for road kill.

When I think I have no choice, I remember that the Lord loves me. He loves you, too. (Do you doubt it?  Ask him.) Remember that with His help, you are more powerful than you think. 

We End This Story by Embarrassing My Daughter.

Calvin: At this point in the book I think I should tell you that my daughter belches - like a truck driver she belches. I’m amazed by the decibel range, clarity and sheer volume of her digressions. Though she is in her teens she often finds herself, after such an expression, sitting in time-out on the stairs. She told me the other day that if God had wanted her to be polite He would not have given her the wherewith to burp like a sailor.

I gotta give it to her, the excuse was skillfully done, and yet she sits on time-out like all the rest of her siblings when they choose not to follow family structures. Belching has its time and place: like an all-nighter, a camp-out, a football games, or if you are actually a sailor.  She has a choice to belch or not to belch. Her body may create the opportunity, as bodies are want to do, but the choice to belch comes from her. And though she can choose to belch, she does not get to choose the consequences.

We all have decisions to make. Thank heaven that we all have options and agency aplenty.  There is always a choice, and when we don’t like what we see when we look down the road, we can make another choice. 

(And if she makes the wrong choice one more time I am going to rent her out to the Bonneville Bullfrogs as a team mascot.)

Julie: No, no. You can't end there.  Bottom-line this for me for all those who need a quote to go on their facebook page. You always get close to the point and then back off. I need you to come right out and be blunt.

Calvin:  OK, here goes. I believe that there are rules. I believe that these rules are for our good set for us by a supreme being that loves us and wants us to progress. This supreme being does not view happiness by our puny human standards. 

If being morally clean is what He requires of us in order for Him to give us all that He has - which He has promised by the way -  then that is the choice I will make. Living in such a way will not make me miserable. In fact, if I follow his commandments I will be blessed in ways I can't fathom. 

We have a purpose in this life. There is something bigger and better for us than anything we currently know.

And following His commandments today in part for recompense later does not mean life needs to suck for us now. 

Was that blunt enough?

Chapter 8 - Big Gay Mormon Book

                                                     I got lost on The Road Less Traveled, 

or  Options for the SGAttracted, 

or  The Chapter where Julie lets Calvin tell the Helga story

This is chapter eight of the Big Gay Mormon Book that I am writing with a friend.  I am a gay Mormon and she is the parent of a gay Mormon.

“The Church is for all members…All of us, single or married, have individual identities and needs, among which is the desire to be seen as a worthwhile individual child of God. …The clarion call of the Church is for all to come unto Christ, regardless of their particular circumstances.    - Howard W Hunter

Calvin:  My younger brothers believed that their massive IQ’s were far over and above a regular board game so they combined several of them to create something that they felt resembled a challenge for their dazzling, sometimes dizzying intellect. The game was rather convoluted with many levels.  It featured exotic places, characters and tons of possible scenarios. I only ventured down into their lair once over the holiday and didn’t let go of the iron rod (the stair rail) just in case. All I really remember was marveling at how funny our teeth looked under a black light.

Does anyone think that their mortal existence is going to be any less complicated than my brother’s basement adventure?

In a chapter on SGA options, we need to acknowledge the thousands of choice combinations available. There are different categories, levels of commitment, personalities, social networks, spiritual beliefs. As if that weren’t enough, there are degrees of sexuality as per the Kinsey scale.

I am not in a position to judge any of them. Neither are you. Nor is it our job to. My point is that lifestyles, which I might not consider for my own life, are being lived out by others. What a blessing it is that we all have options and agency at every turn. All of us.

Julie: As a mom, I have certain expectations that I want my son to fulfill, expectations that for now may not be very realistic. Getting past that I need to realize that there are lots of places between perfection and damnation. If he’s not in a temple marriage, maybe a committed relationship is better than multiple sexual partners. It’s not exactly what I think is best, but maybe, for now, it’s better than it could be. And there are so many choices to go and decisions to make.

Calvin: In looking at this subject, we tried to consider as many different possibilities and options for the Mormon with SGAttraction as possible to show that there are as many styles of living as there are bodies and souls. Here are a few descriptions we came up with – many you may recognize.

SGA and Church Membership

Member in good standing - Active

Member in good standing - Not active

Dis-fellowshipped

Excommunicated

Voluntary name removal

SGA, and Church Activity; Faith

Believes and attends regularly

Believes and attends sometimes

Believes but doesn't attend

Does not believe and does not attend

Does not believe but attends anyway

SGA and Relationship Status

In SGA relationship

Single but seeking SGA relationship

Desiring to remain single, Celibate or not

Desiring to suppress homosexual feelings/behaviors and seek a straight relationship

In a straight relationship but unmarried

Straight Marriage with intentions of making it work

Straight Marriage without intentions of making it work

Public Knowledge (Closet Status)

No one knows.

Very private, out to very few.

Only best friends or internet strangers know
Out to non-members, but nobody at Church knows a thing
Out to some nonmembers, but in the Church they are only out to priesthood leaders -seeking their counsel
Out to everyone at Church, or “Out” in general

SGAttraction in the Mormon Church is not a cut and dry deal. Franklin Roosevelt expressed it by saying, “There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still.”

Julie: We acknowledge that there is diversity in the homosexual Mormon world, and what works for one may not work for another - as many options in this world for homosexuals as there are for heterosexuals.  My friend from college has several children now grown up and living their own lives.  Chatting with him on facebook he expressed anguish that his homosexual son was not living the life he wanted him to. He asked me what I would do in the same circumstance. I reminded him that he had another son who was in the same circumstance and as a parent, he had dealt with similar behaviors with this older son. “But that misbehavior was with girls” he responded. Morality, not sexuality was the issue. 

Options become somewhat limited for both homosexuals and heterosexuals when they decide to follow the teachings of the prophets. It is not referred to as the straight and narrow without reason.  The desire to have a family is divine. The need to share one’s life with another person is inspired. How we go about accomplishing these is up to us.

And still, as a parent (still Julie talking) I would hope that my son would strive for a healthy homey, domestic situation regardless. Gay or straight, I would like him to be worthy of the priesthood.  If not that, then I would like him to pray and attend church. If that is not happening, then I would like him to have some stability and limited partners.   A moral core and limit of one pack a week?  I just want what’s best for him, and as a mom my standards are high.

The Choices For LDS SGA

Julie: Not many of the options mentioned are compatible for a LDS/SGAttracted individual to worthily hold a temple recommend. Would you be more specific about what options are realistic to meet both personal and spiritual needs of a SGA

Calvin: The word “agency” would seem to at least imply that those SGAttracted have options.  One of my favorite television commercials of all time was for a fast food chain known for its not-so-fast food.  It starts out at a fashion show held in lovely Yacksburg Siberia inside a drab but spacious warehouse.  A working-class woman, Helga is the model while the Master of Ceremonies, in a high Russian accent, announces “Is next… evening vear,” at which Helga poses in a simple cotton grey dress with matching babushka.  “Is next, swim vear.” Helga has traded babushka for a multicolored beach ball and tosses it around still wearing the same cotton work dress. 

“Is next, Sunday-go-to meeting.””  She is still in the very same dress only this time with a bible and a fly swatter.  The idea was that the people had the freedom to select what they liked – but that there was nothing to select from.

Those SGAttracted, like the citizens of Yacksburg seem to have limited options. Most of life, for all of us, is about a set of limited choices. But taking it one choice at a time opens up opportunities never dreamed of. 

Julie:  I’m sitting here writing at my computer and I suddenly feel thirsty. I have the option to get up, go to the kitchen and get a drink or to not get up, go to the kitchen and get a drink. Once I decide whether to get up or not, a whole new set of choices open up. If I do get up, what beverage will I choose to quench my thirst, and if I don’t get up, what child will I call to go get me that drink?

Options of Living – brought to you by Julie’s sudden thirst

Calvin:  I believe that gays who have had or wish to continue some sort of a relationship with the LDS Church tend to fall into one of the following categories.

I can do as I have been taught in the church to do.

I have never been able to justify dropping or ignoring my testimony of the church in order to indulge my SGAttraction – even when I was in the middle of indulging. I discovered first hand about cognitive dissonance, feeling uneasy because I was trying to hold on to conflicting thoughts simultaneously.

 In order to completely accept one of the ideas (am I gay or I Mormon – as if they were mutually exclusive), I had to ignore the other; either I really wasn’t gay, or the church was not true. Some in my position have reduced or eliminated such conflict by denying or their past experience and testimony. I could not. And though I became adept at justifying my sexual behavior I got even better at simply creating my own world where both were possible and I didn’t have to choose. 

I couldn’t throw the blame on church leaders or on my parents – though I would have loved to throw it on my parents. There seems to be a logical statute of limitations for blaming my life choices on others.

Once I realized that what I was was not sinful and that the SGAttraction behaviors could -- in theory -- be overcome or maintained, I no longer had the need to blame others for my personal mess. I didn’t need to justify, as did Aesop’s fabled fox, that the high hanging, seemingly unattainable grapes were probably sour or otherwise distasteful. I had received a spiritual witness of both the churches veracity and my SGAttraction. For me, the choices from then on were clear, or clearer than they ever had been.

The second option is to choose to deny or to discredit, minimize or ignore the importance of the church and/or its teachings.  

At one point I tried to pretend that I had been brainwashed, that I was too young to be responsible when my religious opinions formed or were formed for me. I thought that I had obtained real, practical experience that overrode my upbringing. 

Another technique I employed that I have since seen in others was to begin selecting the principals taught in the church that I chose to continue to invest in/believe in: Going to church, yes, tithing, no, being kind to others, yes, chastity, no. 

And then there is everything in between. There are so many other options that I just call them, “and the rest,” including…

●One can live with the dissidence. I do it, but I know it’s wrong; I do it, I’d rather not think about it;     

●He can live in a non-monogamous or multi-partnered gay life.

●He can live something in-between outside of the LDS church - visiting at will.

●He can enjoy a relationship with a SGAttracted partner while maintaining a belief in and keeping relationships with the LDS church open however limited it may be (no callings, temple attendance, or priesthood use). Blogger land if full of these men who love the church and their SGA partners both.

Now we throw a stick into it.

●He can enter into heterosexual marriage, being committed, with full disclosure. 

(While there are many options after this, I will not include them as we, in this book, are not promoting marital infidelity or dishonesty in any way.)  All of these can be done with various degrees of honesty and integrity. And all of these can be done with various levels of church activity.

A Quick Experiment For The Bold Of Heart Concerning Choice For the LDS SGA

This isn’t playing fair, but I am going to ask you to do something. If you had to pick the three top options for your child or brother, for your dad or best friend, which would you choose?  And, no, you can’t pick just one.  Consider this an experiment in unconditional love.  Go back and look at the list and pick the top three in their order for someone you love. 

Do you see the problem?  Try to fit them into the church or into your life if they use their agency and select any option but the first, or the one you agree with.  Does your loved one still fit into your LDS life?      

Julie: As members of the LDS church and as a couple sealed in the temple, my husband and I have been taught over and over again the importance and responsibility that comes with the gift of one of Father’s children. We know that we must raise them with care, teach them the gospel and do everything within our power to get them back home; we aim for that goal and define our success by that objective.

The problem with this perspective is that, like the straight and narrow road we are trying to follow, there isn’t much wiggle room for our children. If they don’t choose a temple endowment, church activity, obedience or a heterosexual relationship, then it doesn’t matter what else they choose, because it won’t be enough for us, and we will lose them.

But what if the choice isn’t between going to church and not, what if the choice is between doing drugs or smoking? Getting drunk on Friday nights or an occasional glass of wine with dinner? Or how about anonymous SGA sex at the club or a committed monogamous relationship with someone of the same sex?

Not so simple is it? We certainly don’t want our kids strung out on cocaine or trying to drive drunk, but could we live with the alternatives? Could we view progress for what it is, even if it isn’t as complete as we wish it would be? And could we sit back and be happy for a responsible son, holding down a full-time job with a like-minded life partner? What if they chose to adopt a child? Are they still in the family picture?

These aren’t easy questions for me to answer, and they may not be for you either. Seeing our children settle for less than their potential, even if that less is better than they were before feels like a cop-out, and accepting the situation, for us, feels like giving up. Sometimes in our efforts to help our children be obedient, we become their worst enemy. We push and prod and nag our children right out of the church and worse yet, right out of our lives.

Calvin: Latter-day Saints often think in terms of black and white, good or bad, wrong or right.  Most of our loved ones don’t live that kind of life.  If we are honest, most of us, though we try, do not live that kind of life either. Often the more personally involved we get with our fellow mortals the more we are aware of combinations and degrees--not “shades of gray” necessary, but different points of view and unique perspectives with each choice, each bout of agency having its own set of consequences both here and in the world to come. We widen our view to include all those we love.