Big Sliver - Get The Plyers!

Okay, the time has come for action.

Ten minutes ago it was the time for a diet coke. Now that I've got drink in hand, I am ready to take on the world. Diet coke and Prozac are like mothers milk to the GMM.

I know I'm not the first crazy person to say it and I doubt I'll be the last, but I think that we are approaching a time of great change. I think that our attitudes about living, and our perceptions of what we believe to be right or wrong, or even right and right will fluctuate dramatically. I think a lot of it will be for good.

I think we can't sit on the fence for very much longer. I'd give it a month or so, and then I'd be for picking the slivers out of our collective hineys and then getting up and out.

If you are on the cusp of making a decision, maybe its time to make it now. Personal Revelation is not just a nice thought from LDS Land. Some people call it intuition, or gut feeling. Or a burning sensation, (but that sounds a little to much like something else entirely, so lets keep to "Personal Revelation"). Our Heavenly Father can, through the spirit speak to you. I know this to be true. If you need to believe so just because I said so, you can for awhile. Promptings tend to be subtle – which allows us to use our agency, but they are real and reliable.

I have been at a place in my life where I thought myself not worthy for these promptings. How crazy is that? So I suck, and am continuing to suck, and everyone else also thinks I suck, and the Lord is not going to see that I suck & give me the info to help me out of suck-land? Lunacy.
Musical theatre geeks might recognize the quote...

“I choose, and my world was shaken. So what?
The choice may have been mistaken the choosing was not”.

I know that there are bad choices that can be made – like choosing to be a stripier at a NASCAR bar, wearing a tub-top to a wedding, or being a Ute fan. But most of the choices for us in Mormon-Priesthood-holders-wearing-pink-dom seem to be, "Can I do what I know is right, and still open my personal beliefs and boundaries to include those who do things I don't like", or "Should I say something or do something proactive?" or simply, "Should I say or do?"

We can commit to being Christ-like. We can commit to loving and serving others. We can commit to dedicating a part of our day to something for which we may not receive praise or credit. And while we sit on the fence of our choosing watching housewives of orange county or RuPauls Girls, afraid to make the wrong choice, there is a whole world moving 'round us that may be going down the toilet.

Time to flush, or get off the pot.

How Else Will We Know?

What really makes Kermit the frog tick?

Do you ever worry that we spend an exorbitant amount of time reading/blogging/studying about how to live our life, and not nearly as much time actually living it?

But we have to see how other guys are doing it, or how else will we know...right?

How else will we know?

My home-teacher is a biker. Not a Harley biker like my dainty little sister from Idaho, but a bicycle racer with the helmet and the Lycra and the whole bit. He's a former football player that was on the local high school's team when they won the state championship. He is married with kids and has a stable job that puts food on the table and clothes on his family. He does well with it. He likes it. He goes out biking on long treks and even finishes a few of the races. His exercising helps him stay fit and active, and he feels good.

Then he goes home to his wife and kids. Sometimes he comes over to my house and we talk about BYU football and I make fun of his shaved legs, and he makes fun of my gut. He does not feel the need to go home and study his next move in the being a man game. He just is what he is.

The happiest people I know don't study how to be happy. They just are. They have found a way to live with a different focus – one that is not necessarily aimed right back at themselves. They do things. They act on positive impulses. The are pro-active with what they know. If they don't know, they give it a shot.

One of the drawbacks to being a sensitive guy is that I analyze and over analyze much to the point of being so busy analyzing that I have no time to go out and do what I want. Sometimes I think I don't know what I really want because I CAN'T FREAKIN' MOVE!

I think I am going to move today. I'm writing this down, maybe even throwing a spell check on the dang thing, and then I am going to go somewhere. I might even take someone with me. I'm going to find what makes me tick by doing something, not by reading something or blogging something. Today is for doing. Today is find my bliss day. If not my bliss, at least some bliss.

If I come back happier, singing some stupid song and my kids are making fun of me, then you will know I did it right. If I don't find it right off, I'll try again tomorrow.

I might borrow me some Lycra and a bike.

Flogging The Blogging

I originally started this blog for two reasons if I want to be honest. Maybe three if I want to be a whole lot more honester. (Just made that up)

The first was to see if there was anybody else out there in blog-land, and I mean SSA, Mormon, SSA and Mormon, Mormons Wanting To Stay Mormons in Good Standing, Mormons Standing, Mormons Sitting, Gay Men Both Sitting And Standing.

I found a few. Hello! How are you? How's the rash?

The second reason was to be a positive influence in causing good both, A: supporting those who had made a similar decision as I did/have, and B: those interested in making that choice or learning about that line of thought/action.

I must admit, one of the greatest pleasures that this blog affords me is receiving responses from others. I love the feedback from everyone, and I find a satisfaction hearing back from men who are guilty-by-association of the same affliction I have - if I may call it an affliction. How about "Challenge"? How 'bout "Blessing"? I feel validated like I don't feel elsewhere except sometimes in prayer I suppose, even when someone adamantly disagrees with a stance I've taken.

The third; possibly to vent. Living in/with the style I have chosen to live in/with is sometimes a challenge. I think any lifestyle that fits somehow around homosexuality (and maybe sexuality in general) is hugely challenging. I like to write. And a chronicling blog that helps organizes my thoughts, airs questions, and provokes pro-active thought seemed like a good thing.

So, if I am chronicling and being positive and venting & pro-active and all that good stuff, there is no need for a forth reason.

However I think there is a forth reason. I think there an element of pleasure that I get from writing about the forbidden. If I am looking honestly at my blogging or reading others who are blogging about homosexuality - and I will be blunt, I think there is a degree of “getting off”.

To a degree. I see this in the writing of others also. That is when I noticed it. (I tend to notice things in others before I can see it in myself - like arrogance and body-odour) There is an air of titillation (my spell check won't touch that one and I can't say as I blame it) in most of the blogs I read, and there are a lot of blogs that I am starting to exclude from my reading list. Some are thought provoking. Some are written with less intelligence that comes to the table with a plate of spam. Some have great heart, some intellectualize everything. Some are pornographic – writing about exploits and masturbatory fantasies, using Mormon Homo-nurotica in a format that would be pegged soft porn elsewhere. (I think I just invented a cool new catch phrase) I think I have been guilty of all of the above.

In which case, I don't want to be there. Here. I don't want to add to the problem - the question begging, "what does he consider the problem to be?"

Being Gay? No. As I gain maturity I appreciate this gift more and more.

The problem is Mormon men caught in the middle.

If I have learned anything from films with cool effects and no plot, it is that time is short. It is the hour for making a choice. The middle can be no longer place for Mormon men to stand.

Maybe there is a fifth reason. I can say here what I cant say to anyone I know. Not that I am keeping secrets: I am leaning less and less towards that as I age. (Not a good gay word) But there are political, spiritual emotional aspects of being gay that don't seem to belong in a conversation with my home teacher, or elders quorum president, or bishop. Or sister or mother or best friend for that matter. I don't know how much my wife can hold, and so I am careful, thoughtful as to what I lay on her and how often.

So. There is is. Those are the reasons I blog. Some obvious and some less so. Some embarrassing, and some not.

Why do you read?