Cal Thompson and the Pseudonym - The Sequel

The responses to my essay on being SGA Mormon (homo to you, thank you) and incognito were heartfelt, wonderful and frightening, and I thank you for stepping out of your respective comfort zones - even if you didn't step far from the closet.

Many of reasons to stay "in" were based in fear.  Not unexpected.  A memorable comment was " I am afraid that there is more to fear than fear itself" a timely twist on Churchill. 


Many of us do not know exactly what we are afraid of, but generally it seems to be in not being accepted. We are living in fear that stemmed back to our grandfathers but for rare exceptions. We do not live in an age where we have not choice but to fear.  We live in a time when modern Davids in pasty skin brandishing rocks can stand up to  Goliath.  We live in a time when the corporate whistle gets blown when abuse hits the fan, when the little guy can get the house, the car, and the lovely companion.
 
As a SGAttracted man, I just may be the trophy husband my wife always wanted.

Am I afraid of my neighbors finding out my big gay secret?  Is that why I am in the closet?  No.  I generally have an arrogance problem and I tend to think I am better than everyone anyway which would work in my favor here in my "hood."  Would I have a problem coming out at work?  Again, no.  Frankly,  it may work to my advantage as everyone is trying to be so politically correct that they would error in my favor - no one wants to be liable for a law suit.  Family not accepting of my preference?  I do have a huge family, and those who know, know and those who don't know know, and those who really don't know really don't really care.  I am bold enough that I can hold my own. 

I understand the church policy, so I am not in fear of what any repercussions would be social/political/religious.  I have run upon a rogue bishop or two who doesn't understand, or who was not secure enough to step outside of himself- but I am wise enough to understand the difference between bishop-the He man and Bishop-the He calling. 

Is it a surprise when the voice of the BYU cougars comes out as a fan?  No surprise there. We understand that - even at his best he may be slightly biased.  Would I loose some political clout if I, a somewhat pro-gay Mormon were to come out as a actual gay Mormon?  Maybe, but I would live with it and make it work.

So why the heck am I in the closet? (if blogging and writing a Mormon/Gay book is considered closeted)

My wife.

She says it may be alright if I were to come out as SGAttracted.  She doesn't say it very convincingly, and I don't believe her when she says it.  Something tells me to keep my preference somewhat under wraps as far as my personal life goes.  Would there be added pressure for her and for my kids?  Without a doubt.  Could I handle the added pressure?  Yes.  But when I married I promised to look after her.  Marriage is also about committed mutual well being and I am committed to hers.

Maybe someday the spirit will say that it is right to be personally vocal about my SGAttraction while I am inhabiting a body.  I need to be at peace with the fact that it may always be something I guard. 

Whether I am "in" or "out", whether my neighbor is in or out, homosexuals deserve and demand the same respect as any other Mormon, as any other human.  There is no need to create a special post for them in the church.  The same posts and offices held by any other worthy member will do just fine.  My ability to assist, offer opinions, or teach a class is not affected by my sexual preference.


And on a personal note, the only thing different about my marriage may or may not be as different as you would think.  And on an even more personal note, I think she likes being
married to me.

Regardless, I am proud to be what I am, and to know that I am learning and growing and that I may yet become what father wants me to be.  I am becoming, hopefully, the man my wife would want to lead our family.  Oddly enough, it seems that we all want the same thing.