The latest LDS-gay thing.

The current "thing" (I like current things -- especially when the thing is a change for the good) seems to be that gays are welcome into LDS church. Cool. One Bishop went so far as to call his congregation the house of friends.

Tangent: I am gay and I have been welcome in the church for years. Most people haven't advertised these personal issues until lately  - when every issue is Facebook-ed and social media-ed to death.

Fill 'er up

Let me state that again. Gay people are welcome to come to church. They are welcome to attend Sunday school and the auxiliary meetings as well as sacrament meeting. They are welcome to leave their kids at nursery -- like everyone else. Their teens are invited to attend young men’s, young woman’s, and primary as well.

One does not need to pass a temple recommend interview to participate in LDS services and activities. All sinners (keep yer pants on and keep reading) are allowed and welcome to come to the Mormon church. All of us are sinners. Therefore, come on down, every single one of you.

I am trying to look at this practically, and so I have this question: Will people come to church who aren’t looking for a temple recommend? The answer to that is yes. There are many in the church that are "active" in the day to day dealings of the church with out a recommend. There are many who need what the church has to offer without wanting to go to the temple. There are those who would like to eventually, but who are waiting to get their recommend signed on their own time. Some are'nt seeking one. Some choose to not follow the structure that would have to be followed in order to have their recommend signed: chastity, word of wisdom, tithing, regular attendance, or a number of things.

The message to the members of the church is that we accept all.  We invite all to come sit with us and worship the Savior. Whether or not one has a temple recommend is a deeply personal thing, and it is not my place or anyone elses to walk around and keep tally.

(As a FYI, there are jobs in the church that one does not need to pass a temple recommend interview for.)

Gays are welcome in the church. However, those who act on their homosexual inclinations are not allowed a temple recommend. In order for this to be clear, one has to understand that the LDS church differentiates between gay feeling and inclinations, and gay behavior.

Example: I have gay inclinations. I am attracted to men. I am gay. However, I currently -- and for the last 18 years -- have stayed away from gay behaviors.  I do not have sex with a man.

With this in mind, gay people are asked to follow the same structure outlined for everyone. A specific sexual orientation is not required, but being morally clean is.

It remains to be seen whether MoHo's, those so inclined and the sexually active, will choose to come to church. If they do, will they be welcomed?

I would hope so.  In my experience I always felt a little self-conscience when I was going to church as a disfellowshipped Mormon, or at times when I was actively not pursuing a temple recommend. Some may not feel welcomed. Our job, however, is to drop the judgement calls concerning others and to extend a hand to everyone.

Gay Mormon blessings (not talking about shoes)

Someone on Facebook told me that the Bible says that homosexuals are going to hell. 

The bible does not say that homosexuals are going to hell. It does say that sinners are going to hell without intervention, and then stated that we are all sinners. The bottom line is to intervene or go to hell.

“No righteous person will be denied any blessings which come from God. We have no control over the heartbeats or the affections of men [or women], but pray that you may find fulfillment. And in the meantime, we promise you that insofar as eternity is concerned, no soul will be deprived of rich and high and eternal blessings for anything which that person could not help, that the Lord never fails in his promises, and that every righteous person will receive eventually all to which the person is entitled and which he or she has not forfeited through any fault of his or her own”  -Spencer W. Kimball Ensign, Oct. 1979, p. 5

Love this quote. Let's break it down

1) Who is a righteous person? 

The terms "righteous" and "righteousness" apply to mortals who, though beset with weaknesses and frailties, are seeking to come unto Christ. In this sense, righteousness is not synonymous with perfection. It is a condition in which a person is moving toward the Lord, yearning for godliness, continuously repenting of sins, and striving honestly to know and love God and to follow the principles and ordinances of the gospel. Saints of God are urged to do "the works of righteousness" (D&C 59:23) and to "bring to pass much righteousness" (D&C 58:27)

So, no one who is trying to move towards the Lord will be denied any blessings which come from God. No one -- gay or straight or male of female or of one race or another. President Kimball said "no one".

2) Important to re-state from the quote: We have no control over the heartbeats or the affections of men [or women], but pray that you may find fulfillment. 

3) Also important from the Quote: And in the meantime, we promise you that insofar as eternity is concerned, no soul will be deprived of rich and high and eternal blessings for anything which that person could not help 

4) To remember: The Lord never fails in his promises, 

5) To remember: Every person who is trying to move towards the Lord will receive eventually all to which the person is entitled and which he or she has not forfeited through any fault of his or her own".

My understanding is that there are several ways and several directions. When we move towards the Lord -- regardless of who we are or what we look like on the surface, He will give us blessings that we might not receive if we go another direction.

For definitions, see  http://eom.byu.edu/index.php/Righteousness

Gay men working with the youth of the LDS church

I will never work with the young men in the church, and I am truly sorry to say that.

I would like to blame this predicament on the fact that I am a flake. My flake-y-ness, after all, is legendary -- something everybody would understand. And they certainly have enough flake fodder to support that stance. Most of the negativity in my life has come from my being a flake...and arrogant. An arrogant flake  Those two attributes have been my downfall.

But no, I can't blame my not working with youth in the church on either of those. The fact that I will never work with the youth in the church has to do directly with me being gay.

I am aware of gay men in the church who have been involved with the young men organization or have been advisers to the group.  The difference between me and these men is simple.  They haven't confided in their bishop on the topic.  Either they are not confessing their past, or they don't have a past that needs confessing because they have kept any "acting out on their sexual feelings and behaviors" under control. 

Let me be clear. I know of gay men who are as active in the church as they are not active in the homosexual lifestyle/behaviors/having sex with men. To reiterate the stance of the church, being gay is not the issue. Not obeying the law of chastity is the issue.

I will not ever work with the youth due to the fact that I have spoken to my bishops throughout the years before I was married -- back when I was, frankly, loose and on the loose with my morals.  I didn't get into the incredible specifics with my ecclesiastical leaders, but I was honest about what I was doing or had done. 

The option for me to just “keep it to myself” was not an option for me.  I had to confess in order to feel the spirit of the lord consistently and overtly in my life. 

And, apparently, they kept a record that has moved on to every bishop I have had since.

If I had to do it all over again, I would confess all over again.  I cant imagine going through all my same sex issues again without having the relief and the bolstering of the spirit throughout my young-man-hood.  And still, I am sad that because of my past, I have severely limited my future, at least in this existance.

I understand where the leaders in the church are coming from, so let me be real with this. If, as a straight man and without the understanding I have developed through experence, I had a daughter as a beehive, would I balk if I knew there was a lesbian in the young women presidency? 

I don't know.  I would hope not.

Ten years ago I would have had to think about it, and maybe pray for guidance.  With my nowledge now I would still consider the matter. But I would trust in the bishop and in the spirit of the Lord that directed the calling. - knowing that this woman had vowed to following the commitments we all make to follow the law of chastity.

I have made those same commitments to follow the law of chastity. But it may be too late. There are consequences of actions – something I didn't really comprehend at the age of. 25.

My Own Damn Fault

He probably would have responded better...

Open Letter to a Facebook "Friend":


You got me. I thought you were just interested in knowing my POV. However it now looks like you googled "naive Mormon gay guy" until you found someone who would be kind enough to answer a question or two.


You led off your correspondence with “Personally (in regard to your mixed orientation marriage)I believe that you are incorrect.”  With a whole slew of differences between us, this may be the biggie. I do not claim to be in a position to judge anyone else – a task I am grateful that Christ has claimed for only himself. Though I am an arrogant, arrogant man, and even I wouldn’t dare.


For you to tell me over face book – without ever meeting me – that I am not fair to my wife because we don't seem to fit into your idea of marriage is downright silly and is reminiscent of the arguments we are used to hearing from those who oppose gay marriage.  What would you think if, in all my ignorance, I said something silly like your marriage is a sham because it doesn't fit into my notion of what a real relationship is? Would you be as upset as I am? Putting down/minimizing my relationship with my wife is uncalled for.


I have never said it is sinful to be gay, and for you to assume that because I am a Mormon I am anti-gay is rash - and mistaken.  I will never say such a thing. I do not believe that God makes mistakes. He made me what I am. I am betting He did the same for you. I believe in personal revelation. I believe that His son, the Lord Jesus Christ can guide me through the Holy Spirit, through modern prophets, and through scripture.


I am making no comparisons to other churches and their beliefs or observances, not do I use their practices to dictate or confirm my own beliefs. Another church may allow, permit or consent to a number of things. In my church, the men don’t make the rules. It is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We believe that Jesus Christ makes the rules. I am in the church I am in because I have researched and made a choice. Sounds like you have, too.


I appreciate your choice and honor your right to it.  Wither I agree with it or not is no ones business and I would never volunteer my opinion to anyone other than my wife, from whom I have no secrets.   By the same token, It is not your place to offer me unsolicited feedback concerning where you think I am wrong.  I may have to concede this argument because I have invited others, to a degree, into my personal life by the very nature of this blog.


Yes I am gay. I am gay, and so much more. I am a husband and a father and an artist and a writer. I am a softball coach and a choir director. I am an author and a blogger. I teach sometimes when they asked me in my church, and I strive to be worthy to use the priesthood (not just a calling but authority and power) actively by following the commandments/rules that God has asked of me. I know what he has asked of me because I listen to the words of his prophets.


I write a blog for gay Mormons because of what I thought of as a dearth of information available and I thought I could help those who feel as I do about their own lives and the direction the Lord wants for them. It is not for all, and it is not for many. But it is for a few.

I am not aggressively judging anyone one else. Including you. I would never tell you you are wrong, or smile and patronize and claim that you "just don’t understand", and I am a little miffed as to why you seem to take that stance toward me.


I am Gay.  I am a Mormon.  I have a temple recommend - meaning I am card carrying.  I'm not going anywhere.  Google that.


And, yes, I do feel better now.

Blessings and SGAttraction

I was asked today by a non-family member to give a blessing.  My neighbor has been feeling poorly and she sent one of my kids who was playing outside to find out if I would come over. 

When I am poorly, a blessing is not the first thing I think of (not that her decision was off the cuff or flippant). I usually go for a pill and a diet coke. Actually, a pill and a diet coke sounds like the solution to most of life’s problems. That she would step outside herself and have the wherewithal to consider a priesthood blessing impresses me.

A little sad to say that I had to give pause.  My life has not been one clean and reverent and ready to assist in things of the spirit.  Maybe the mental listing is just a habit because I have not always been in that position to help. 

I am happy to report that, with a quick change of clothes and a little hair gel, I sit here waiting for a call to tell me when to come over.  Okay, with a fast run to my next door neighbor’s house to borrow a vile of consecrated oil, a change of clothes and hair gel I am sitting here ready to use the priesthood.

The power and authority of the Savior is the biggest reason to stay priesthood ready – to be worthy to use the power of God at the drop of a proverbial hat.  For me, it tops what I call the obedience factor (staying morally clean because the Lord himself or through his prophets says to). 

More specifically, as a worthy gay man I can access the same priesthood that the straight worthy men access.  As God created me, even with the SGAttraction that I have alternately despised and cherished, I am enough.

Father shares that power with us.  He shares it with me.

The best reason to keep my SGAttraction in check.








 

My Three Words

I am fascinated, repulsed and intrigued by stereotypes. Part of what repulses me is that I see a use for them. I suppose I find that intriguing because I don’t consider myself to be completely un-learned, and I am fascinated by the fact that I have still perpetuated their use.

I used to employ the excuse that stereotypes were a type of contraction that permitted us to quickly get to the point; an abbreviation that allowed us to be on the same page which would then allow us to delve into the intellectual heart of a matter. I considered them to be an easy way to get ideas across - used to simplify communication and support the occasion quick comebacks/ lame retort.

Stereotypes may very well be a short cut.  However, I think we should be taking the long way.  Discovering what a person is without simplifying or eliminating personality should be what the heart of the matter is regardless of the subject at hand.

I myself have been easily typecast, and honestly, I fit into many of the pigeon holes I have been crammed into. Some of them fit me comfortably I am slightly chagrined to say. Pushy football dad, stage mom, conservative (for the liberals), liberal (for the conservatives). I am a self centered blogger, coupon clipper, price haggler, artistic genius with no spelling skills.  I am a mood swinger the like of which as been little seen,  and a westerner/capitalist (if being poor is capitalistic). I am the guy who can fix everything except plumbing and automotive.  I am middle aged and good with hair dye and a paint brush.

I discovered another type I appear to fit into this last week. It came from a former co-worker I saw at a church I was visiting. He mentioned that he didn’t think I was the churchy type. Of course I asked him what the churchy type was. He back peddled and made a joke and changed the subject. Smart move.

So does he consider the churchy type as one holier-than-though? Or is the churchy type for him a zealot. Bigoted? Conforming? For me, the quickest image I get for the churchy type is someone who goes to church for any other reason but for self betterment; for social statues, or for reputation. Expectation. Obligation. Someone who has the need to demonstrate to others his level of “spirituality”.

While that may be somewhat true for me, I am also a repentant soul in need of guidance and affirmation from the spirit that I find at church. Take that you stereotype's.

Here is something I did in the front of a recent class I lead that, I’m afraid, polished the crown we have placed on stereotypes.  I asked everyone in the class to come up with three words that best described themselves.  It was a simple ice breaker I have seen done in many classrooms situations. But the last time I used it I was halfway through the exercise when I was floored by what I was doing. I was asking them to come up with the stereotypes that we would then use as tools to categorize them, to place into little neat squares.  The exorcise in and of itself is not necessarily horrifying if we are planning to get to know someone for who they are and delve a bit. The problem is that most of us are content to make take note of the three words and then slide along, pretending like we are personally involved.

Do you know Calvin?
Yeah, he sings, paints and likes Swiss cheese.

It’s true that I sing and like Swiss cheese. I’d like to think that there is more to me than that. And while I am complaining that people don’t really know me and that they peg me into little holes that are limiting, I spend no time whatsoever getting to know anyone else past their three words. Stereotypes are handy for quickly categorizing. For those who need to effectively place people in a cubical and move on to something better, stereotypes work wonders. Efficient. Final. And now that I’ve put you in your proper place, I can move on to what is important to me.

But what if you are the one important to me? If I am going to initiate anything more that the equivalent of an emotional drive by, then I am going to have to let you out of the box I placed you in. Once I do that, however, you will never fit in that box again.

That makes life a bit messier for me. I will have to make more space for people, or be comfortable with the overlap.

The use of the stereotypes was once briefly useful. However, they no longer contain us or those we love like a garage built in the 1950’s just can’t handle today’s minivans or SUV’s. So,we re-think and remodel and bust out a wall for new ideas. Maybe the only real use for the old stereotypes is as a tool to understand our own propensity to judge foolishly. Like a sledge hammer or a crow bar,  it is effective at busting down a wall that confines us.

And when we have busted down a wall we smile at the thought of the quaint and ineffective stereotype.

Cal Thompson and the Pseudonym - The Sequel

The responses to my essay on being SGA Mormon (homo to you, thank you) and incognito were heartfelt, wonderful and frightening, and I thank you for stepping out of your respective comfort zones - even if you didn't step far from the closet.

Many of reasons to stay "in" were based in fear.  Not unexpected.  A memorable comment was " I am afraid that there is more to fear than fear itself" a timely twist on Churchill. 


Many of us do not know exactly what we are afraid of, but generally it seems to be in not being accepted. We are living in fear that stemmed back to our grandfathers but for rare exceptions. We do not live in an age where we have not choice but to fear.  We live in a time when modern Davids in pasty skin brandishing rocks can stand up to  Goliath.  We live in a time when the corporate whistle gets blown when abuse hits the fan, when the little guy can get the house, the car, and the lovely companion.
 
As a SGAttracted man, I just may be the trophy husband my wife always wanted.

Am I afraid of my neighbors finding out my big gay secret?  Is that why I am in the closet?  No.  I generally have an arrogance problem and I tend to think I am better than everyone anyway which would work in my favor here in my "hood."  Would I have a problem coming out at work?  Again, no.  Frankly,  it may work to my advantage as everyone is trying to be so politically correct that they would error in my favor - no one wants to be liable for a law suit.  Family not accepting of my preference?  I do have a huge family, and those who know, know and those who don't know know, and those who really don't know really don't really care.  I am bold enough that I can hold my own. 

I understand the church policy, so I am not in fear of what any repercussions would be social/political/religious.  I have run upon a rogue bishop or two who doesn't understand, or who was not secure enough to step outside of himself- but I am wise enough to understand the difference between bishop-the He man and Bishop-the He calling. 

Is it a surprise when the voice of the BYU cougars comes out as a fan?  No surprise there. We understand that - even at his best he may be slightly biased.  Would I loose some political clout if I, a somewhat pro-gay Mormon were to come out as a actual gay Mormon?  Maybe, but I would live with it and make it work.

So why the heck am I in the closet? (if blogging and writing a Mormon/Gay book is considered closeted)

My wife.

She says it may be alright if I were to come out as SGAttracted.  She doesn't say it very convincingly, and I don't believe her when she says it.  Something tells me to keep my preference somewhat under wraps as far as my personal life goes.  Would there be added pressure for her and for my kids?  Without a doubt.  Could I handle the added pressure?  Yes.  But when I married I promised to look after her.  Marriage is also about committed mutual well being and I am committed to hers.

Maybe someday the spirit will say that it is right to be personally vocal about my SGAttraction while I am inhabiting a body.  I need to be at peace with the fact that it may always be something I guard. 

Whether I am "in" or "out", whether my neighbor is in or out, homosexuals deserve and demand the same respect as any other Mormon, as any other human.  There is no need to create a special post for them in the church.  The same posts and offices held by any other worthy member will do just fine.  My ability to assist, offer opinions, or teach a class is not affected by my sexual preference.


And on a personal note, the only thing different about my marriage may or may not be as different as you would think.  And on an even more personal note, I think she likes being
married to me.

Regardless, I am proud to be what I am, and to know that I am learning and growing and that I may yet become what father wants me to be.  I am becoming, hopefully, the man my wife would want to lead our family.  Oddly enough, it seems that we all want the same thing.