This is chapter four of the book I wrote with a friend. She is the mother of several children, one of them gay. We are both practicing LDS. I am a gay man who is married to a woman and is trying to follow the the commandments as set out by Jesus Christ and his prophets. Chapter Four:
Answerable and unanswerable questions
or A few facts & figures from those who don’t understand facts &
figures
If rewards of joy and peace of mind were instantaneously
given to the doer of good, all would do well. I would.
If every
time I paid my tithing I heard a “ka-ching!” sound and I saw my points being calculated on
the celestial scoreboard, I would write a few more checks. This, however, would
not test my strength, nor develop my character, nor grow my powers and
abilities.
Julie: OK Cal, why
did you lead with that thought?
Cal: Because a lot
of us think there is going to be some huge reward for choosing to obey. Those
in my position who are trying to follow all fathers’ commandments sometimes
look around the corner for Ed McMahon and a giant spiritual check. It doesn’t
work like that.
Just thought I’d get that over with.
Julie: I am going on with the chapter. I mentioned this
question to you before, but I’d like to go back to it because I think it’s
important. I’d like to know why some people develop same gender attraction
while others develop opposite gender attraction. Knowing the why will give me
power to figure out what I should be doing as a parent and how to do it.
Calvin: Let’s look
at that directly and divide it into two parts – the temporal and the not so
temporal.
The
spiritual “Why” (And the answer to a universal question)
We do not know answers to many difficult questions, such
as why some are affected and some aren’t, why I was blessed with this and
someone else blessed with that. However,
I know for certainty that God loves His children. With that knowledge I can
turn the “why” into a “what” as in “what experience is there to be gained” or
“what can I learn?”
I also take solace in the understanding that someday I
will have the answer.
“Yea, verily I say unto you, in that day when the Lord
shall come, he shall reveal all things—“Things which have passed, and hidden
things which no man knew, things of the earth, by which it was made, and the
purpose and the end thereof.”
In the general question “why” I hear strains of the same
question I asked myself for years. What I yearned to know was: “Is this my
fault? Was there something I should have done or something I should have not
done?”
Often we think trials are handed out to us because of
something we have done wrong, or, by the same token, that challenges are given
to others because of something they have done wrong – which boggles the mind
because we clearly teach that adversity is part of the Plan of Salvation. From
adversity we grow and progress - if we so choose.
There are trials that come to us as a result of our
disobedience, as a consequence of an action taken (or not taken). Prepare
yourself now for the discovery that homosexuality is not a result of past sin.
There are other trials that come to us to teach us and to
enlighten us in the process of overcoming. The Savior suffered and made an atonement
not only for the things we do that are sinful but also for the things which
happen to us - things over which we have no control. Things over which we never
had control. I believe that homosexuality falls into this category. If I didn’t
choose it in this life, if it is not because of some mistake I made by action
or inaction, then it may have happened to
me.
I feel the need to make this point again: Some people do
not consider that homosexual feelings are something to overcome. Support those
who feel this way, love them and make them part of your life. Their life
experience is not your call.
There are mortal circumstances, experiences, misfortunes
that transpire -- things that are unwanted, painful, and even evil. In the Book of Mormon Alma and Amulek, were
forced to witness the burning of women and righteousness children. They were
taunted, spat upon, and ridiculed.
“And it came to pass that they took Alma and Amulek, and
carried them forth to the place of martyrdom, that they might witness the
destruction of those who were consumed by fire.”
However, they had been promised that…
“And he (the Savior) shall go forth, suffering pains and
afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be
fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his
people.
What had happened to Amulek and Alma the younger was not
of their doing, nor was it the doing of the women and children that were
sacrificed. Regardless of its origin, it was reprehensible. It was traumatic,
painful, and horrific. The horrors perpetuated toward them left emotional and
literal scars. Why was that allowed to happen?
While we do not know all the answers, we do know
important principles that allow us to face tragedies with faith and confidence
that there is a bright future planned for each of us. -- Quinton L Cook https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/the-songs-they-could-not-sing?lang=eng
The atonement of our Lord Jesus Christ was able to heal
Amulek and Alma the younger. Jesus had taken upon him the pain that they had
experienced. They were able to withstand the experience because Jesus
interceded. They retained the wisdom and
knowledge, and their pain was healed
We, too, can rely on the Atonement to help us through
experiences that have done us harm as well.
So,
am I to blame?
Calvin: Concerning my own pain; I began my healing
process wanting the Lord to tell me what I had done wrong. I thought I was
being punished and I wanted to know why. I was sure that, somehow, this gay
thing was my fault.
With this in mind, before we try to resolve the spiritual
“why am “ or “why is he/she gay”, let’s get this huge mongo-question out of the
way so that we all can think clearly.
I believe that to some degree, all of us chose to open
our arms wide and embrace these challenges, trials and obstacles and accept the
heartbreak and joy that comes with them. I suppose there is something that we
could have done to prevent them from happening. We could have voted not to have
any agency. Now that we are in the midst of challenges, we could choose to live
our lives in a hole and avoid relationships with other human beings.
But we do not.
That, however, is where the guilt and subsequent remorse
can responsibly end. And the only one that can confirm this in a way you can
understand is the Spirit of the Lord.
Homework implied.
The
Temporal “Why”, & Other stuff we don’t know for certian
The other answers to SGA questions aren’t as clear cut.
Everyone wants to get to the bottom of it, but at the bottom there is only a
note that says “Sorry - don’t know.”
There seems to be no intellectual light at the end of this tunnel.
At this printing, there are no irrefutable explanations
about why some people are gay. It’s undeniably clear that we do not understand
the cause of homosexuality. No one knows. Yet, everyone wants or needs to
assign either the credit or the blame.
Current arguments on the origin of SGA feelings are generally
based on two ideas -- whether homosexuality results from a person's
surroundings and environment (nurture), or rather as a by-product of one’s
biology and genetics (nature). The debate hotly continues because both sides
have diligently supported their cause. If you’re in the middle you had better
duck.
The following is only for those who have been frozen for
the last 20 years or so and need a primer:
Argument
one: Nature
Nature enthusiasts believe that some humans are born with
a gene, chemical or other physical characteristic unique to those who are
attracted to their same gender.
After years of speculation and hypotheses, something akin
to evidence was presented in support of this claim in 1991 by a
British-American known for his research into brain, its structures and
functions and sexual orientation. This neuroscientist, Simon LeVay, reported in
a published study of his research on the human brain that there appeared to be
a size differentiation in the anterior hypothalamus (a certain neuron group)
between straight and gay men. He reported that the INAH3 nuclei of the anterior
hypothalamus was on average three times smaller in homosexual men than in
heterosexual men. He based his study on post-mortem examinations of the brains
of self-declared homosexual men.
When Mr. LeVay’s research was initially reported he was
clear to emphasize;
"It's important to stress what I didn't find. I did
not prove that homosexuality is genetic or find a genetic cause for being gay.
I didn't show that gay men are 'born that way'- the most common mistake people
make in interpreting my work. Nor did I locate a gay center in the brain.”
“INAH3 is less likely to be the sole gay nucleus of the
brain than part of a chain of nuclei engaged in men and women's sexual
behavior. My work is just a hint in that direction--a spur, I hope, to future
work."
Some criticized Mr. LeVay’s findings and labeled them
incomplete saying that his work was based on too few subjects with inadequate
histories. Some outspoken woman suggested that cutting up dead men’s heads
regardless of sexual orientation was just plain gross. (That was Julie and I
tend to agree with her.)
A later paper that was published in Science in 1993 by
Dr. Dean Hamer, an American geneticist, showed that there was at least one
subtype of male sexual orientation that appeared to be genetically influenced -
as indicated by the linkage of DNA markers ( Xq28 segment on the X chromosome)
among gay males. Dr. Hamer was also responsible for the postulation of the
existence of a God gene for religious experiences. He believed that genetic studies have proved
that homosexuality is not a choice. “People can’t change their genes.” He
said.
For those of you that speak science as a second language
- felicitates. For the rest of us, the basic gist is that these studies show a
possible link between a certain segment of the X chromosome and homosexuality
but do not prove any reason, cause or relationship.
However, the possibility of a “gay gene” has become the
proverbial holy grail of homosexual research and the possibility of its
existence has poured gas on the nature vs. nurture argument that was
combustible to begin with.
Neuroendocrine studies support a biological point of view
that sexual orientation could be determined by the early pre-natal levels of
androgen(s) on relevant neural structures. In other words…
Julie: Yes Cal, please, please use other words.
Calvin: If exposed
to high levels of these androgens, the fetus will be attracted to females. The
site studies suggest that male rats who received lower levels of androgen
became submissive, in matters of sexual drive, to the other male rats.
Still, with all the interest, speculation and science,
there is to this date no definitive answer to whether homosexuality is biological.
Jihan Ryu in The Quest for the Gay Gene states:
“Although sexual orientation research has been
strengthened by a study on maternal hormonal effects in utero and has refined
theories about how homosexuality can be passed down through generations, it
still has a long way to go to reach a satisfactory conclusion of any sort”.
Argument two: How you were reared.
Julie: As a mother of a gay son, the argument that how a
child was reared affects their sexual orientation is a sensitive subject.
Social theorists who examine such things as play
patterns, early peer relations, the interactions of children, the differences
in parental behavior toward male and female children, and the role of gender
constancy in the household, believe that these pre-adolescent elements are the
largest contributing factors to homosexuality.
A study by Bogaert, Blanchard & Crosthwait done in
2007 found that having older brothers influenced sexual preference, and that
with each older brother the chances of homosexuality increased by 33
percent.
One could argue that these findings simply support a
biological cause. Perhaps with each male fetus that is carried in the womb the
chemical or hormone level in the mother’s body changes in such a way as to
affect the sexual development of subsequent male pregnancies.
The point is that it’s easy to see trends but to explain
why they happen or what causes them to occur is much more difficult. My son
Sean’s is the oldest boy in our family, so scientifically it seems to be a
tossup.
David Halperin (B-1952) a Freudian and Foucault
enthusiast supported the idea that homosexuality is caused by a combination of
a strong mother and a weaker father who paired and reared a son with unresolved
Oedipus complex issues. This supposition, he clams, would lead to weakness in
the son, weakness which would then lead to homosexuality.
There are psychologists that disagree with this logic,
thinking that the same scenario could be played out and could conceivable lead
to a strong son who has been enabled to compensate for his father's weakness.
Calvin: And then there is the hair whorl. Science now
shows that gay men have hair whorl patterns that flow to the left, while
heterosexual’s whorling hair moves to the right.
Thumbprint density is considered to be
another telling indicator of sexual orientation for men (increased density of
ridges on the thumb and pinkie of the left hand).
I just looked for myself, and I had to borrow my
daughters’ pink princess mirror to do it. My hair whorl is lefty-loosey. I’m
not exactly sure what my thumb print is supposed to look like but I gotta tell
you, it’s pretty impressive. I should also mention that my ring finger is
slightly longer than my pointy finger, and I like musical theatre, classical
music, and vocal jazz, but I can’t see how any of this matters unless you are a
cosmetologist, manicurist or trying to get me to download your latest song..
Back to the drawing board
Calvin: The nature
vs. nurture argument and the studies that go with it are not so useful in
understanding why SGA exists. Ultimately the answer may depend more on who you
ask, their agenda, and on their worling hair than on any actual fact.
Julie: Problematic
parenting, biological blip, or hormonal happenstance? Maybe it’s just a choice.
It sure would make it easier if one could choose a sexual preference like one
chooses which sports team to follow, which shoes to wear, or which diet drink
they want to be addicted to. If they choose it to begin with they could simply
un-choose.
Calvin: …If they had chosen it to begin with. I don’t
believe that any of these explanations really covers the question of why some
people are same gender attracted and others aren’t. Traits can be developed as
well as passed along genetically. Abilities can be enhanced, behaviors learned
and there are way too many influencing factors to find a cause. If there is not
a cause, is there a cure? For example…
Human Specimen “Adam” has nosebleeds, wounds that heal slowly,
problems fighting infections, and severe joint pains.
In 1932 these were found to be symptoms of vitamin C
deficiency - a lack of fresh fruit and vegetables in the diet. Therefore,
Specimen “Adam” can be cured by being placed on a regimen of chewable gummy
vitamin C, or fruit.
Problem solved.
Will same gender attraction ever be that cut and dried?
Human Specimen “Bob” is SGAttracted. SGAttraction (homosexuality) is caused by an
unknown factor or factors. (Will science figure out a specific cause?) Without
a known cause, do we have a fix? And is a fix what “Bob” needs or wants?
Here is what we know now:
“…Sexual orientations, whether homosexual or
heterosexual; gay, straight, lesbian, or bisexual, all are a cause of a complex
interaction between environmental, cognitive, and anatomical factors, shaping
the individual at an early age”.
Control over “the natural man” is an important concept
for us Mormons. We believe that the
unbridled or unchecked man does not realize his full potential; that striving
for betterment is fundamental to a Christian life.
That the effect of homosexuality clearly touches all of
us regardless of its actual cause, name, the science behind it, or the current
political climate or popular opinion. The “why” is up in the air.
However, the “how” is manageable for all of us.
I am gay. How do I live like others? How do I feel fulfilled? How do I express
love? How can I be like everybody else?
The unexplainable nature of homosexuality, our inability
to nail down an explanation or a reason behind it and, frankly its place in the
LDS church (not the Gospel, mind you, but the Church) is the utmost example of
the literary curse and a blessing. Both
its effect and affect is deeply personal and cannot be generalized or
marginalized.
I cannot tell you how to live, love or how to have a life
with any limitation or obstacle -- again assuming that you consider
homosexuality as such. If you consider that your life is better for your
individualized sexuality, (and why wouldn’t you) I can’t tell you how to
reconcile that part of yourself with the LDS church. It is not back and white for those who are
gay.
Because the origins are so indefinable to us, the eventual possibilities
seem to be huge.
The question is; for you, does the blessing of
homosexuality outweigh any perceived curse?
Speaking for myself, it does.
Major Tangent at the
end of this chapter:
Deep down inside, what do you really
think and how do you really feel about homosexuality? Are you ashamed of it, or
embarrassed by it?
What images explain SGA for you?
What is the first thing that comes to mind when SGA in its many forms and
explanations is mentioned at school or in Church or at work? Is homosexuality for you a pride parade in
Technicolor on the local news? Is it a tasteless joke or a careless remark? Is
it the funny uncle that doesn’t come around anymore – the one people make fun
of?
“Does it really matter what I
think?” You say while mowing the lawn or stirring a pot on the stove - all
while reading.
The good ol’ days of winking and
nodding and claiming that homosexuality doesn’t affect us because we don’t know
anyone like that were over years ago and frankly they weren’t all that good
while they lasted. Not for me.
Julie: But Cal, I miss the good old
days. I don’t like having to deal with all these issues I didn’t ask for and
never wanted in my life. I wish Sean was still collecting baseball cards and
complaining about chores. Every time that he starts dating someone “seriously”
I start to freak out. I’m probably afraid that one of these days it’s going to
be something permanent and I’m going to be forced to deal with it, and required
to deal gracefully. I sometimes think how wrong it all is -how it goes against
my nature. Then I start feeling guilty because here I’m am writing this book
because I’m all “understanding and cool”, but sometimes I don’t feel all
“understanding and cool”.
It’s not the homosexuality itself
(and I’m sympathetic and supportive with the feelings) but the actions and the
lifestyle as I have seen it are just not what I want for Sean. Then I feel
guilty again because I’m probably screwing him up even more by what he must see
as my evident disappointment and lack of acceptance.
Since I am venting…
My daughter went to a dance last
Friday night. So we were talking and I was saying how proud I was that she was
dancing with boys. Sean pipes up and
says he goes dancing every weekend and dances with boys and I don’t compliment
him on it. And I thought “but I’m not proud of that”.
You just asked if the readers can
handle homosexuality. And reading along, I realized that sometimes I can’t. So
tell me I am either destined to burn, which I feel sometimes, or that it’s a
process because there is a difference in being mean to people because they are
homosexual, and being angry or resentful because it is messing with my own life
and the people I love.
Calvin: Let’s refocus. How do you feel about
Sean? He is gay and that doesn’t fit
with your belief systems. How would you feel about him if, instead of being gay,
he did something else that was contrary to your personal or religious beliefs?
What if he went dancing at the club every Saturday night with girls and was
sexually active with them? Knowing you, Julie, you would not be happy about
that, and yet you wouldn’t be asking me how to deal with it.
You would complement him on being
outgoing, or on his talent in getting to know people. You might put some music
on and dance a bit in the kitchen. And you would not hesitate to tell him that
sex outside of marriage was not what he should be looking for and you would
tell him why. That doesn’t seem foren to you because you do that all the time.
My kids are straight as trees, and
there are days that I want to knock some sense into them. Parents are going to
have issues with how their children live.
Thomas S Monson said
“Never let a problem to be solved
become more important that a person to be loved.”
Julie, you are a good parent and a
fair parent. You love your children and want to give them the best head start
you can.
Maybe while you are trying to help
Sean the others in your family will watch you being kind, nonjudgmental and
respectful to people with differences. Who knows but that this may be the
catalyst that propels your family forward to do great things?
You have opened up a dialogue with
love and understanding so that those who may have wandered from the safety of
the fold know that they still have a place. Maybe they will move a little
closer to us as we show them our love and they can still dance with us in the
kitchen.
End of tangent.
