Gay and Grateful

I made a decision some time ago that I was not going to pursue a further relationship with the gay lifestyle/way of life.  Gay and Grateful

Read: no gay sex. 

This doesn't seem to be the kind of thing one would make public and I get that. However, I started this blog years ago to deal with a subject that seemed to be pulling Mormons under and spewing them out.  In 2009 I decided to speak plainly.

Part of that decision was that I would not pursue sexual relationships with men, nor would I remain tied in more than a cursory fashion to those of my friends who did. I say "hi" and I am here for them if they need help, but we do not hang out. Part of that promise, sadly, became easier to follow through-with as several of my closest friends died of AIDS related illnesses.  

Most of the rest of those friends from the "gay-side" thought that, A) either I would be back after a quick conservative sabbatical, or B) that I was a weak minded freak that actually could be lead away on any silly whim and they cut ties with me. 

While I am sorry to say that I have lost friends I have to add that this has been an 18 year old whim.


It was like jumping of a plane with a parachute I hadn't packed myself and wasn't sure would deploy and save me from flatness -- a lovely way of saying that I didn't really know what I was doing nor was I certain what the result would be.

Since I made my commitment my life has taken turns - many frightening, many lovely.  I am not where I saw myself to be in 18 years, but neither am I in a wrong or bad place.  I believe that I am better off for the choices I made.  I hope my family feels the same.

Having "gay" as a part of me has given me a lot that I would never have developed had I bean born straight.  I believe that I am what I am today because of the challenges God gave me - all of them.  I believe that we grow from facing challenges head on -- when we own them, when we embrace them. 


I annotate this today because I am cleaning up Halloween decor from my front years and I am thankful for being able to hang a yellow florescent full moon and  a hundred or so plastic light-able jack-o-lanterns. I am grateful for to be able to take the grand children out and load them up with sugar. 

The month of November reminds me how much God has given me.  I am thankful for all of it.  

A crowded gay/married/Mormon boat

This is a part of a letter I recently received some time ago. I have changed facts and personals because it was sent to me in confidence. I am happy to answer questions at anytime, BTW. Please understand that I am not a health/mental health professional.  I am, however, an expert in being gay and being an active Mormon -- at the same time.

I came across your blog yesterday in hopes of finding some help/advice with "coming out."  I am 40ish, LDS, married with 4 children. I'm an active, believing member of the church. and I want to stay that way. I served a mission and have an extensive Mormon heritage. I have tried hard all my life to hide the fact that I'm attracted to males but have been unable to hide it any longer as I age -- those thoughts are stronger than ever. 

I have confronted my wife about it because of the anxiety and depression I've been dealing with for quite sometime. She thinks it may due with my difficult up-bringing -- which may be true. 

I have talked with my stake president a couple of times and his advice is to read the scriptures, pray, and always use the priesthood when Satan temps -- not the sort of advice I was looking for because I know to do that but I feel I need counseling or something else. 

I just don't know where to turn for help. I feel I'm headed in a direction that can destroy me and my family. I see that you have come out and also are married with kids.  How do you deal with this?  Do you have any advice?   

This has been the most difficult trial I've had to deal with.  Bitterness and animosity has also set in and its just about to kill me.

Reader -- I feel a little unqualified to advise you. However, I was in the same boat. 

Life is good. You are in a wonderful position. It's OK to not hide anymore.

I can't tell you why you are gay or what may have contributed to the orientation. I do know that it was not due to your difficult upbringing, and I can tell you this. You are gay. Ta-da!  It is not your imagination and it is not a phase. You will not cure this by going on a mission, getting married or involving yourself in a city league baseball team.

If you are trying to stay Mormon, and from everything in your e-mail it sounds like you are, then know that there are things you can do to keep the behaviors in check. Many recommend creating nonsexual relationships with men -- I am sure you have heard this before. However, the longing will remain as will the urges. As you get older, the sexual desire may ebb a bit but it will be augmented with a different sort of longing that is just as intense.

Some men deal with your situation by masturbating and keeping their feelings to themselves. This usually involves porn. Some people believe that porn used for this reason is OK. I do not. However, I am not as firm on an anti-masturbation stance.

You have told your wife, which I feel is the right thing. It sounds like you still have a temple recommend which means that you have not stepped out on her like many in your situation have. This is also a good thing. You are honoring the commitments you made. Do not feel that the commitments are shackles. There are those who have chosen to divorce and move on. I am coming from the stance -- as you know -- that we all have agency, and that agency works both ways. If you choose to stay, then there is support. If you choose to go, then there is support.

I started this blog years ago so that men in this boat could connect, or at least to know that they are not alone. The good news is that it has become obvious that there are a lot of us.

I am confident in this advise: The Lord is aware of you and your situation. He is not hesitant to speak about it. The Spirit of the Lord will guide you to do what's right.

What is right may not be what is easiest. By the same token, it may not be what you think is the hardest. The Spirit will guide you do do what is right for you and for your family. The Spirit will not lead you astray -- like puny earthlings might. The Spirit is not politically correct. It does not put stock in man's rules.

You will need to ask the Spirit honest questions. Frankly, I myself am too experienced to be asking that the Lord take this cup from me because I know why the Lord gave me this cup. Ask the Lord questions that lead you forward to action. Ask to be able to feel the promptings of the Spirit and the strength to act upon what you are told whatever that may be.

Things will be fair in God's time. God's time is not our time. (My time was 30 years ago) God's time includes the afterlife, and God's plans include concepts that we can not imagine.

God does not play by man's rules either. He plays by the real rules, and we do not know what those real rules are. The authors of "politically correct and cool" magazine do not know God's rules either, though they are full up to here with man's wisdom.

In short, you may not have a choice which boat you are currently in, but there is always a choice in where you go from here.

When looking at options, find a source of knowledge that has your values and core principals -- ones that work for you, that feel right to you. Keep your mind open to knowledge and wisdom.

Note for a dad

I am a gay, true blue Mormon man who is married to a woman. I am also a grandpa - six times over as of yesterday. I can't spell the name of the new child and I was a little embarrassed to ask or I would post it here. It's something like "Kalooa" or "Kayleagha" -- something similar. I have given up on any of the kids naming their children after me. 

Calvin-ella? Anyone?

Being in the hospital was such a nice moment for my wife and me. And it was good to be there under pleasant circumstances -- a nice contrast to the last several months -- without going into a lot of detail.

As the baby was passed around the room I imagined other babies who had gone through the hospital and wondered about their situations - who and what their parents were and what trouble or comfort each baby would be going home to.

I thought about my friends who have been recently married due to the new rulings who are waiting for a child, and about my ward members who are struggling financially even without a new baby. I thought about my own Mormon parents who had 11 children and reared them with varying degrees of success, and a friend I know who adopted two children and is rearing them single handed-ly. What a terrific mother she is.

My daughter doesn’t have a home and lives with us -- not an ideal situation. However, her situation is still better than someone I know at work who is homeless, partner-less and insurance less. And even these people with no money feel blessed to have a brand new person to take care of and love.

I may need to be involved a little more with the day to day hands on bring up baby more with this child than I have with my other grandchildren, and that is OK. I have a few resources that the baby’s mother doesn’t. While it may or may not take a village to raise this child, it will take a few more than it regularly does, and I am grateful to be counted with that number.