Sunday, September 12, 2010

Clear Lines And The Men Who Make Them

Men who are SGAttracted are to keep the law of chastity.

Men who are OSAttracted are to keep the law of chastity. (I am not thrilled with the designations SGA or OSA, but they are becoming more universal than I thought they ever would, and they seem to serve a purpose other than irritating those SGAed and OSAed)

I was recently asked what I did as a sexual release, to satisfy my urges as a man for a man while I was married and trying to maintain a temple recommend. I will answer this blog-a-locicly because I am hearing it asked more and more frequently. My experience as a brother, son, husband and a father all lead me to the same answer - which has been in the past difficult for me to stand on write with and talk about.

But first, I must mention Cows.

I used to think it was just Mormons who needed to know where the fences were – like cattle in Idaho or enlightened northern areas of Utah. Cows, when turned into a new pasture first check for food. Then they walk the line like an old country song. They are checking out the boundaries. It is not just Mormons. It is not just people of religion.

I am seeing this more and more with people about sex. What’s the rule, where is the boundary, how far can I go. Why can't I go further. Why can't I utilize that pasture over there? While this truly progressive thinking is key to breaking culture barriers and emotional limits - a thing of desire in so many realms, I am seeing its opposite effect in the world of serious relationships and marriage. Many who have evolved to this mindset become as vapid as my bovine friends.

While cows are kept safe this way - keeps them from wandering into roads or into unsafe situations where the owner cannot protect them, humans who circle the emotional relationship fields in search of an out make themselves miserable and are continually discontented. Many then sit and spend the day wondering how to cross the line.

What seems like a few inches can mean all the world - when you are a cow.

I recently had a discussion with my Sunday school class about where the line was for sex – what they can do before having to go to the bishop to confess. I can’t tell you how warped that train of thought is, and yet I ride that same train ALL THE TIME! Yes to French kissing, no to oral sex, yes to over the sweater or over the bra, but no to under. Yes to friction, but no to penetration. Where is the line?

Well folks, the line was back about two pastures back - next to the sign that said, if you are a mindless cow, please reconsider this path. If what you are doing with either Bob or Sue regardless of their gender is for sexual satisfaction, then the line has been crossed. Of course, if a temple recommend is not what you are after, your goals may be different.

So, what do I do as an outlet to keep my temple recommend? As far as sex goes outside my marriage, I don’t. I don’t have something on the side to keep me satisfied while my wife waits for me at home.
I cannot choose to have both feet firmly planted on either side of the line, a country mans straddle as it were, even though public opinion increasingly leans in that favor. The lifestyles of the rich and famous says to Do what feels best. There is no reason for marriage today except for public opinion, or to have the appearance of piety.

Which is pretty lame - even if there is a movie, music or sports star headlining the act.

So, you want to be married, and to have a temple recommend and to know where the line is of getting it on the side. Sounds like you are asking the wrong questions. Better ones would be, why am I married? Why do I go to the temple? Why am I looking for a line or a break in the fence? What is it I really want?

Tougher questions, but ones that will mean more in the long run.


  1. This is fabulous. My Mom used to try and drive this point home when I was a kid but I never really understood it-

  2. And, what are we doing to maintain our fence lines so there isn't a break or opening to begin with?

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  4. What is it I really want? that's the big question, my heart is divided in two, I want to cross that fence but i'm scared to loose all the things I've got in the Gospel, I wanna get married and raise children but at the same time I'm afraid to fool myself, I'm so mixed-up =S
    what do i do??... that's a good question

  5. Such a good comment Kiant. What are you doing to find out what you should do? I would sugest asking the Lord - all the ways you know how. It is your right and privdgledge to receive revelation for your life. You wont be sorry.

  6. There is so much to be said for making clean lines. And for checking the fences. I would like to get to a point where the lord could trust me enough that I wouldnt have a fence. I guess that is what I am striving for- no fences.