Fifteen years ago that kind of remark would have made me freak-out. And right in the middle of me "freaking-out" I would realize that I was giving myself away - a "me thinks thou doth protest too much" kind of thing. To keep from exploding, I would have had to bite something - hard - and re-paint a wall.
Fifteen years ago "The Book of Mormon” musical would have thrown me for a loop. Half of me would be in fits laughing, and the other half would be burning in hell, and another half would be concerned that missionaries were pictured wearing white socks. Another half would have thought I should have used my math money on something more productive, like diet-coke.
This would have taken place in some air-conditioned giganto-closet somewhere because I once avoided anything gay – at least in public.
After having memorized the show, which would have taken me two, maybe three hours, I would have prayed for forgiveness because I would have felt guilty for finding humor and joy in something so frivolous and light hearted. Then I would have burnt the CD at midnight along with a spandex shirt and an issue of "Mens Fitness" in a reassessment ritual. Weeks later I would have bought a new one to keep in my underwear drawer - a CD, that is.
Today, the thought of a spandex shirt makes me suck in my gut and snort a little. Thank heaven for those fifteen years. I can say now without laughing, that I have matured somewhat. Those little things no longer throw me. People and their opinion of Mormons, or opinions of gay Mormons, or gay opinions of Mormons (did I cover it all?) just don’t seem to matter to me anymore.
And in writing this, I just realized that I haven’t seen my bishop for SGA related issues for years. I barely know the guy! Honestly, in the previous fifteen years I could never have imagined living in the LDS church without having to be guided every step of the way – being a gay man who wanted to maintain priesthood rights and responsibilities. In past life, I made the pilgrimage at least once a month to the bishops office when I was deeply involved in what I refer to as the gay life.
But here I am.
I wonder what life would have looked like for me if I had been born into another religion or into religion at all. Would I have gravitated to something that kept me somewhat in tune to the spirit? Would I have found something that filled me spiritually somewhat in the way priesthood does?
I would like to be able to say that Same Gendered Attraction issues (Gay, homosexuality – what have you) are not in the picture for me anymore, but they are to some degree. I would like to say that I am no longer tempted by pornography. I don’t know how realistic that would be. Yes, I am still tempted. But I don’t feel the pull towards it like I used to. And I can say no.
I still identify myself, in this blog at least as a gay Mormon man. I don’t know how much of that will change in this life.
|How I used to spend half my days|
Is it that I am more mature with the passage of time (I won't mention age,) or is it that my sexual drive has diminished somewhat as I have gotten older? Would I have been this calm fifteen years ago adding today's wisdom? Would I be this calm as wise ol' me today with the sexual drive I had in 1995?
Should I be congratulating myself on self control and maturity, or lamenting youth?