Gay Mormon Man / PriesthoodMen: August 2014

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Where I stand on being gay and being Mormon

"Keeping the commandments in the face of opposition" was supposed to be the title,

because I recently heard a decent talk given in sacrament meeting by a man that I respect.

This by itself is news. (Not the respect issue but the decent talk issue. I know, I know -- One only gets out of it what one puts into it) With gathering infrequency am I privileged to hear the like.

His remarks were based on a conference talk from the spring of '96 by Elder Neal A.Maxwell who said that we must be careful who we listen to and emulate.

Boy did that get me going. I immediately thought of many of the MOHO bloggers that I feel have gone off the deep end -- the ones I do not look for information or advise. The longer I thought about them, the more I started thinking about what I myself was writing about and what information someone reading would take away from reading my writings.

Based on that process of thought, I feel it is time for me to re-address my stance on all things gay and Mormon.

A gay Mormon man trying to being clear concerning his beliefs -- on which this blog is based.

I am not thrilled with the conservative moment to rename issues to fit conservative beliefs. Therefore, I use the words gay and homosexual with abandon that borders on reckless. The name that really got me going early in my life was faggot, and I will never be comfortable using that name on anyone. Queer? It's OK, but I don't use it.

The terms same sex attraction or same sex issues, or anything same sex seems like the conservatives way of being political correct -- only on certain terms that they get to define, and I am not interested.

Unlike many religious conservatives, I acknowledge that homosexuals and and gays exist.

I do not believe that they (we) picked from the sexual preference catalog, what they (we) wanted to be attracted to. I pick art supplies from a catalog, not my sexual preference.

I do not deny them (again, us) the right to live their own lives and make their own choices - a privilege that I expect in my own life.

I understand the LDS churches stance against letting gays marry in their temples, which is where the gay marriage push will end up. Mormons, due to the First Amendment protecting free exercise of religion -- a right we all share -- get to set the criteria for entering their temples.

The law of chastity is very clear, and Mormons believe that they have a prophet who speaks for the lord. I believe that we have a prophet who speak for the lord. I also believe that the Proclamation on the Family speaks clearly what LDS believe, and I believe it as well. Because of it's forthrightness, I sometimes cringe when a gay friend reads it, and I sometimes try to find a softer way of interpreting it. But the bottom line is that it rings true to me regardless of my political stance.

I am gay

I do not think that I am gay, nor do I feel that I am gay. My knowledge is based on years and years of feelings, understandings, desires, and, yes, I will say it -- behaviors. I have had spiritual confirmation that I am gay. Based on my understanding, I have also had confirmation that if I act according to my knowledge and try to keep the commandments, I will have the opportunity to be complete in spirit, mind and body.

Believe me when I say that I understand the issues involved in the gay lifestyle - an iffy term. I am not ignorant, nor am I turning a blind eye. I spent years living as a sexually active gay man.

Not incidentally, I am a Mormon. Though I was born into and reared in a Mormon family, I am Mormon by choice. I am not, as some have suggested, lazily taking the path of least resistance.

I understand that being Mormon or being gay is not the norm. Being both is even less so. I do not care.

I choose not to involve myself in to anything anti-gay or anything anti-Mormon. I have too much respect for myself to engage in such nonsense.Nor will I argue with gay Mormon friends I have who are living together or who have married. I love them deeply.

I have chosen to live as a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who lives the law of chastity. I do not have sex with men, nor am I seeking sex with men, or waiting for the day when having a sexual relationship with one of my own gender will be allowed in a chaste life. I have decided that obeying the commandments is more important to me than fulfilling my sexual desire, and I cannot follow the commandments and live as a sexually active gay man.

Yes, there is more.

I have also chosen to marry a woman who understands my nature and my desire to remain a worthy, card caring priesthood holder. When I married, I wanted a family, and the way things were going, that wasn't going to happen. Finding a lady that was willing to accept me for me was God sent. I also found someone I wanted to be with for as long as I could conceive, someone who expected me to act responsibly and supported me taking my power back from wherever I had sent it.

Gay, married to a woman, values a temple recommend, no lying or duplicity, allows others the same privilege. I feel the need to say that last part again. I allow others the same privilege.

One more twist: I am not publicly out, though most of those in my close circle understand where I stand. I do not live in one manner and support another. I am the same religiously/politically on both fronts. There is no difference in how I live and how I write.

I choose to present this blog under a pseudonym in order to protect my wife and family. If someone were to "out" me (and it wouldn't be hard) I might be uncomfortable for a time, but I would get over it. My wife has feelings, however. How do I discuss my sexuality as a married man without discussing hers - which is no ones business? I do not want to see her hurt.

Just to be clear.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Gay men working with the youth of the LDS church

I will never work with the young men in the church, and I am truly sorry to say that.

I would like to blame this predicament on the fact that I am a flake. My flake-y-ness, after all, is legendary -- something everybody would understand. And they certainly have enough flake fodder to support that stance. Most of the negativity in my life has come from my being a flake...and arrogant. An arrogant flake Those two attributes have been my downfall.

But no, I can't blame my not working with youth in the church on either of those. The fact that I will never work with the youth in the church has to do directly with me being gay.

I am aware of gay men in the church who have been involved with the young men organization or have been advisers to the group. The difference between me and these men is simple. They haven't confided in their bishop on the topic. Either they are not confessing their past, or they don't have a past that needs confessing because they have kept any "acting out on their sexual feelings and behaviors" under control.

Let me be clear. I know of gay men who are as active in the church as they are not active in the homosexual lifestyle/behaviors/having sex with men. To reiterate the stance of the church, being gay is not the issue. Not obeying the law of chastity is the issue.

I will not ever work with the youth due to the fact that I have spoken to my bishops throughout the years before I was married -- back when I was, frankly, loose and on the loose with my morals. I didn't get into the incredible specifics with my ecclesiastical leaders, but I was honest about what I was doing or had done.

The option for me to just “keep it to myself” was not an option for me. I had to confess in order to feel the spirit of the lord consistently and overtly in my life.

And, apparently, they kept a record that has moved on to every bishop I have had since.

If I had to do it all over again, I would confess all over again. I cant imagine going through all my same sex issues again without having the relief and the bolstering of the spirit throughout my young-man-hood. And still, I am sad that because of my past, I have severely limited my future, at least in this existance.

I understand where the leaders in the church are coming from, so let me be real with this. If, as a straight man and without the understanding I have developed through experence, I had a daughter as a beehive, would I balk if I knew there was a lesbian in the young women presidency?

I don't know. I would hope not.

Ten years ago I would have had to think about it, and maybe pray for guidance. With my nowledge now I would still consider the matter. But I would trust in the bishop and in the spirit of the Lord that directed the calling. - knowing that this woman had vowed to following the commitments we all make to follow the law of chastity.

I have made those same commitments to follow the law of chastity. But it may be too late. There are consequences of actions – something I didn't really comprehend at the age of. 25.

I order to better understand one another, I think it would be wise to understand the terms used in these essays. What I propose is an Examination for Discovery, which is briefly a meeting of the opposing sides in a lawsuit where the plaintiff and defendant, with their attorneys, meet to examine each others claims and see whether they can find some area of agreement and thus save the time of the court later on. This is assuming that there is common ground, and I believe that even the most cynical of us would agree that there is.

It will be hard to understand one another if you think blue is periwinkle and I think blue is turquoise. I know that the differences may not be a big deal - between periwinkle and turquoise - but I think its best to be incredibly clear. We both may disagree on what blue is, but, for purposes of communication, we will use the terms as listed here - adding when needed.

Of coarse they may be subject to change and/or refinement with experience and further knowledge – and with feedback. Being that this is a blog and not a diatribe, I get to lead I suppose.

List of Common Terms On Which We May Agree
or Agree To Agree On For Sake of Discussion*

For sensitivity reasons we wanted to run this list past my Gramma Ruby, which would have been really helpful not to mention miraculous because she died at an Elizabeth Dole Rally in Boise)

Active: 1) A lifestyle characterized by frequent or various social, intellectual, and particularly physical activities; 2) In geology, a volcano which erupts regularly; 3) A member of the LDS Church who is often seen carrying brownies, scriptures or children back and forth to Church.

Affirmation: 1) A positive assertion. 2) An organization for LDS homosexuals and the people that love them, but not affiliated or supported by the LDS Church.

Sentence: Falling off of the stage was the affirmation she needed to confirm the universality of gravity.

Acronyms: SGA, SGB, SGI SGA: Same Gender (sexual) Attraction SGB: Same Gender (sexual) Behavior SGI: Same Gender (gay) Identity

OGA, OGB, OGI OGA: Opposite Gender (sexual) attraction OGB: Opposite Gender (sexual) behavior OGI: Opposite Gender (heterosexual) identity.

Sentence: The LDS SGA think OGA from ID, WO and MT dress like the NFL.

Beehive: 1) Home to bees, 2) A height-positive sixties hair style which many Mormon women continued to wear through the seventies and into late nineties and early 00’s with a slight revamp; 3) Young woman’s organization of girls who can’t drive yet.

Bisexual: 1) A sexual behavior or an orientation involving physical, mental or romantic attraction to both males and females.

Choice: 1) A decision between two or more option, and often referred to as free agency, personal rights and freedom.

Sentence: The choice for Juan Carlo was to either be eaten alive by the anaconda or jump from the boat into the mouth of the hungry crocodile.

Church: 1) An identifiable religious body under a common name; 2) a physical structure often equipped with a satellite dish, food warming area and an indoor basketball court.

Sentence: The ambulance and two squad cars were sent to the ball game at the Church between the elders and the priests due to last year’s “incident.”

Closet: 1) Upright storage space for clothing; 2) Slang reference to the status of an individual wishing to remain private about his/her sex life and who hasn’t acknowledged their SGA feelings yet to friends and family members.

Sentence: He had been in the closet so long he smelled like cedar and old shoes.

Coming Out: 1) The act of leaving a building or structure. 2) The process of telling people about one’s homosexuality is often referred to as coming out.

Sentence: “It’s just not coming out”, muttered Sister Macbeth as she compulsively applied spot remover.

Conversion therapy, or reparative therapy or reorientation therapy: 1) A type of sexual orientation change effort that attempts to change the sexual orientation of a person from homosexual or bisexual to heterosexual. In the past techniques have included psychoanalytic group therapy involving aversive conditioning, electric shock or nausea-inducing drugs, and may have included sex therapy. Today there seems to be a more subtle and genteel approach which is being met with more success,

Down Low or DL : 1)This term means different things to different people, however generally it connotes dishonesty and hiding. 2) A term for men who discreetly have sex with other men while in marital relationships with women. Often these men do not consider themselves homosexual or bisexual, and their female partners are generally not aware of these infidelities.

Ex-Gay: Term for those who have experienced SGAttraction and who, for religious or other reasons, have chosen not to embrace a gay identity, or to engage in SGA behavior.

Family Group Sheets: 1) Forms used in annotating genealogy; 2) Money saving tactics for Mormon families at bedtime.

Sentence: Laverne and Lavelle grab your sister and a family group sheet and get you off to bed.

Families are Forever: 1) LDS catch phrase originating in the early eighties - referring to the belief that temple sealed families created on earth can move into the next life together. 2) The prevalent attitude after two weeks of dealing with the new in-laws.

Sentence: Did you hear our new sister-in-law-sing the Duran-Duran Medley? Are families really forever?

Folk Doctrine: 1) Doctrines that develop from prevailing rumor.

Sentence: Three stakes in Pocatello have been asked to spear-head a pilot program for the Churches new Work and Glory aerobics program.

Gay: 1) A happy and joyful method of celebrating holidays often sung about in English Carols and Fred Astaire films. 2) A common term for an individual attracted to their same gender. Gay has been a widely used synonym of "male homosexual." Its meaning is rapidly evolving to refer to both male and female homosexuals. Some people differentiate between homosexual and gay: homosexual is regarded as a sexual orientation; gay is a political identity -- i.e. an advocate for equal rights for persons of all sexual orientations

Sentence: Sister Fellows always regretted naming her eldest son after her favorite uncle, Gaylord.

Gender: 1) The set of characteristics that distinguish between female and male members of a species. It is often used interchangeably with the word "sex" denoting the condition of being male or female.

Sentence: “But, Julie,” Cal whined, “I simply don’t have an inoffensive sentence for the word gender.”

Genealogy: 1) An activity Mormons do happily while praying to hook up with a distant relative who has done all the work.

Sentence: Brother The-Hun was a bit disturbed when his grandma showed him his genealogy line went directly to some guy named Attila.

Heterosexual: 1) People whose emotional, sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for those of the opposite sex or having to do with opposite sex attraction.

Homophobia: 1) An irrational fear, prejudice or discrimination towards homosexuals. Homophobia can take many forms, from name-calling and teasing to serious crimes like assault and murder. Homophobia like other irrational fears is most often based on ignorance.

Homosexual: 1) People whose emotional, sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for those of the same sex or having to do with same sex attraction.

In: See out.

Last days: 1) A horrific time of floods, famines, political strife and food storage eating – much like yesterday.

Sentence: The last days of a back to school sale appear to be frequented by women on a weekend pass from the state hospital.

Lesbian: Term to describe sexual and romantic desire between females.

Lifestyle: The term lifestyle (as in gay lifestyle) has become a polarizing term though used by gay and lesbian people in the past. “Those in the lifestyle” usually means “those who identify as gay", though it may refer to behavior as well as identity - much as LDS lifestyle would mean those living the teachings or of the culture, or East Coast Lifestyle may refer to black turtle necks, bookstores and apartment living.

Many are called, but few are chosen: 1) What I keep telling myself when I am asked to be on the ward activities committee again.

Mixed Marriage: For our purposes here, a union between one of “heterosexual” orientation with one dealing with SGA.

Out: See in.

Prophet: 1) A man called of God who holds the keys to direct the Church and to speak for Jesus Christ. The President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a chosen prophet, seer and revelator.

SSA: 1) Acronym for Same Sex Attraction. The LDS Church prefers SGA, (which I always thought stood for Star Gate Atlantis reruns) but actually means Same Gender Attraction. SSA and SGA are terms not highly favored among the gay community. Neither, for that matter, is the phrase “gay community”.

Sentence: ST-TNG and SGA are playing all week on SI-FI.

Sin: To behave in a manner that is contrary to the revealed commandments of God.

Transgendered: A designation of person whose identity does not conform to conventional notions of male or female gender roles.

Quotes, Quotation Marks: Tool used to set apart a word or phrase. For our purposes here, generally speaking, using quotation marks to denote words such as “gay” or “homosexual” is offensive. If you are not comfortable with using a term from the “so-called other side”, then it is recommended that a substitute which doesn't involve quote marks is found.

Sentence: I am offended that “he” just used quotations on the phrase other side.

Straight: 1) A direction which veers neither to the left or the right. 2) A slang term used in the place of heterosexual.

Sentence: The geography club, Straights of Magellan is not accepting new members.

Strait is the gate and narrow is the way: 1) Popular scripture quote used to encourage righteous living and weight loss.

Tithing: 1) One tenth of one’s income donated voluntarily to the LDS Church for upkeep and needed things.

Sentence: Ten percent of nothing is still nothing.

Urim and Thummim: 1) Tool used by Joseph Smith to translate the Book of Mormon. 2) What I wish I had to understand my kids text messages.

Wickedness Never Was Happiness: 1) What Cal’s first missionary companion in the MTC from Macon Georga wrote on his left bicep with a sharpie when visas to Central America didn’t come through on time. 2) Comment made by those on their way to Church when a boat or motor-home pulls up in the next lane of traffic.

This is a blog for Mormon SSA* men who wish to follow the teachings of the LDS church while owning their Homosexuality. It can be done! This blog-spot is written by a sort-of smart gay man who is a card-carrying member of the LDS church and hopes to remain so. He will remain so by following the teachings of the prophets. His motto for today is "Many a true word spoken in jest," and he will try to not be so charming.

Mr. Thompson thinks he knows just about everything. Lately, it has been proposed that he may, in actuality, not. He is trying to be open to that thought.