What A Difference 15 Years Makes

I heard someone say today that there is no such thing as a gay Mormon.

Fifteen years ago that kind of remark would have made me freak-out. And right in the middle of me "freaking-out" I would realize that I was giving myself away - a "me thinks thou doth protest too much"  kind of thing.  To keep from exploding, I would have had to bite something - hard - and re-paint a wall.


Fifteen years ago "The Book of Mormon” musical would have thrown me for a loop. Half of me would be in fits laughing, and the other half would be burning in hell, and another half would be concerned that missionaries were pictured wearing white socks. Another half would have thought I should have used my math money on something more productive, like diet-coke.


This would have taken place in some air-conditioned giganto-closet somewhere because I once avoided anything gay – at least in public.

After having memorized the show, which would have taken me two, maybe three hours, I would have prayed for forgiveness because I would have felt guilty for finding humor and joy in something so frivolous and light hearted. Then I would have burnt the CD at midnight along with a spandex shirt and an issue of "Mens Fitness" in a reassessment ritual.  Weeks later I would have bought a new one to keep in my underwear drawer - a CD, that is.

Today, the thought of a spandex shirt makes me suck in my gut and snort a little. Thank heaven for those fifteen years. I can say now without laughing, that I have matured somewhat. Those little things no longer throw me. People and their opinion of Mormons, or opinions of gay Mormons, or gay opinions of Mormons (did I cover it all?) just don’t seem to matter to me anymore.

And in writing this, I just realized that I haven’t seen my bishop for SGA related issues for years. I barely know the guy! Honestly, in the previous fifteen years I could never have imagined living in the LDS church without having to be guided every step of the way – being a gay man who wanted to maintain priesthood rights and responsibilities. In past life, I made the pilgrimage at least once a month to the bishops office when I was deeply involved in what I refer to as the gay life.

But here I am.

I wonder what life would have looked like for me if I had been born into another religion or into religion at all. Would I have gravitated to something that kept me somewhat in tune to the spirit? Would I have found something that filled me spiritually somewhat in the way priesthood does?

I would like to be able to say that Same Gendered Attraction issues (Gay, homosexuality – what have you) are not in the picture for me anymore, but they are to some degree. I would like to say that I am no longer tempted by pornography. I don’t know how realistic that would be. Yes, I am still tempted. But I don’t feel the pull towards it like I used to. And I can say no.
I still identify myself, in this blog at least as a gay Mormon man. I don’t know how much of that will change in this life.

How I used to spend half my days

I am confident that I will have all wishes of my heart (the ones I am missing here) in the next life. I will be complete in a way I don’t feel I am here.

Is it that I am more mature with the passage of time (I won't mention age,) or is it that my sexual drive has diminished somewhat as I have gotten older?  Would I have been this calm fifteen years ago adding today's wisdom?  Would I be this calm as wise ol' me today with the sexual drive I had in 1995?

Should I be congratulating myself on self control and maturity, or lamenting youth?

I Dreamed a Dream...

I had a dream last night that I was back in college and that I was a hunk.



Yes, it was a nice mullet

 I am always a hunk in my dreams. It was a Friday night and everyone had paired up with someone else for the evening. There was one same sex couple sitting at a table not doing anything really but talking – yet somehow – in the dream, it was obvious that they were SGAttracted. Someone went up to them and let them have it for being gay, saying that they should know better being RM’s and all.

I jumped to their defense and told the guy that before he started lecturing someone else on the church's stance on homosexuality he had better know what the church's stance was. I then turned to the couple sitting at the table to bestow upon them words of great advice as I am wont to do. I give great advice in my dreams.

However, I could think of nothing to say. That's not like me.

No “carry on” no “clean it up”, no “live long and prosper”. Is it because I am old? The best advice I can think of is to stop giving advice and live life as you feel you should – always with the guidance of the spirit. Following that advice – a thought originally said by Ben Franklin…or Brigham Young…someone balding. (Maybe Sinéad O'Connor…) will give us the most opportunities for growth with lesser chance of failure.

When I think of failure, I invariably think of a Hobson’s choice. That and orange rubber prison shoes. Thomas Hobson (1545–1631) ran a successful carrier and horse rental business in Cambridge, England, at the turn of the 17th century. Hobson rented out horses mainly to University students, but refused to hire them out in any other order than that he allocated to insure the rest and ready-ment of the horses. The choice his customers were given was 'I will rent this specific horse here, who is rested and ready, or none. This became, quite literally, the Hobson's choice. Something or nothing. Take it or leave it.

Hobson’s choice today is shows similarities between SGA issues and the church doctrine. As far as the church is concerned, there is somewhat of a do it or don’t do it choice to be made. A take it or leave it situation.

Another choice option is the Morton’s fork. The expression originates from a policy of tax collection under the rule of Henry VII. The approach was that if the subject lived in luxury clearly having spent money on himself, he obviously had sufficient spare income to share with the king. Alternatively, if the subject was frugal, giving no outward appearance of being well-to-do, he clearly has savings to afford the king. This was the two prongs of the fork argument. Whether the subject was rich or poor, he did not have a chance at a favorable choice.

Many consider presidential elections to be Morton’s Forks; two choices, neither one stellar. Comparisons can be made between a Morton’s Fork and SGAttraction.

There are many choices for folks that are gay in the church. What choices did/do you have?

Sexual Preference: A New Olympic Sport?

 The Unites States lost a team leader this week when sexual preference became an Olympic Sport.


Still a Hero?

Peter Vidmar, Olympic gold medalist and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, voluntarily stepped down from his position as chef de mission for the 2012 U.S. Olympic team.

Vidmar, who won two gold medals at the 1984 Olympics, had been filling the liaison officer position for the American team.  His job was to assisting with the interaction between the International Olympic Committee and local Olympic organizers for the London games. He had been in the position for eight days.

His critics focused their displeasure with his selection due to Vidmar's position on Proposition 8, ballot initiative in California defining marriage as between a man and a woman." USA Today says that Vidmar "participated in two anti-gay marriage demonstrations and donated $2,000 for the successful 2008 Proposition sponsored by California voters.

"I certainly wouldn't want to be represented by someone who is anti gay marriage.” Stated Jonny Weir, Olympic Ice skater in Outsports.com “It isn't just about marriage; it is being allowed equal rights as Americans. The fact this man who is very publicly against something that may be represented on the American team is disgraceful."

Apparently, the attempt to keep politics and religion out of the Olympics has lost its appeal. The Olympic pendulum has swung back to justifying exclusion based on something other than sports or ability.

Vidmar stated that his resignation was in an attempt to retain focus on U.S. athletes and athletics. "I wish that my personal religious beliefs would not have become a distraction from the amazing things that are happening in the Olympic movement in the United States. I simply cannot have my presence become a detriment to the U.S. Olympic family."

Several days before he resigned his position, Vidmar stated in the Chicago Tribune, "I fully respect the rights of everyone to have the relationships they want to have. I respect the rights of all our athletes, regardless of their race, their religion or their sexual orientation. I will cheer and do all I can, passionately, for every athlete on the U.S. Olympic team."

Mr. Vidmar gave up his position because it was bringing negative attention to U.S.Olympic movement, a passion of his for the past twenty five years. One could argue that he, knowing that his personal/political opinions would not go unnoticed being in the eye of the public, should have been more subtle in his approach in 2004. However, being in the public should not, and certainly has not kept others from stating their opinion.

Vidmar: `I hope that by stepping aside, the athletes and their stories will rightly take center stage.'' Political/religious land mine avoided? Or has Mr Vidmar just been punked?

My son came home from school last week proud that he had defended his sisters honor.  Some girl at school had made fun of his sister and had called her a hateful name.  I was so proud of my son!  He stood up for what he believed was right!  He defended the defenceless and had stood-up for the underdog.  I found out later that my son had punched the kid in the nose, thrown her homework into the canal and had his friends throw food  at her and trash her lunch.  Suddenly I am in a quandary.  My daughter should not have been picked on.  And my son should not have been a bully.

The Olympics are simply reacting to the same political nightmare the country had arguable been in for the last twenty years; and just when we thought the politics of 80 (Moscow) and 84 LA) were past. They're back. The names have changed, but the topic is still in-tolerance.

The pendulum is still swinging.

Women can vote. African Americans have rights. Yesterdays communists are gone. Homosexuals are turned out to be just us. Now who are we going to pick on?

Whether or not you agree with Vidmars religious/political beliefs, His innate class and polish in focusing on the athletes; forfeiting his dream job to support his country and his religious beliefs is laudable. Blackballing, Bulling, McCarthyism are all Alive and well – only this time they are better dressed. Who throws tomorrows stones, and at whom?

We have become a nation of reactionaries. When the republican in power fails to produce, we elect his opposite. And when said opposite fails, we scream again and overreact and elect, once again, the opposite. There is no moderation, and the pendulum continues to swing. It continues to cut its swath in society, and while it does there will not ever be parity. There will continue to be an abuser and an abused.

We replace one political enemy for another. Is it time yet for someone, regardless of political position to reach out with equally bloody hands and stop the carnage.

I am not calling for a movement. I am calling for Moderate. And common sense.

I would appreciate seeing where you stand - with civility as always.