I really appreciate your blog. As a gay man that finally came out to himself and his wife two years ago, I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. Some days the pendulum swings towards Ty Mansfield and Northstar, and other days it swings towards Elton John and Ru Paul (Okay, the Elton John is a big exaggeration, but I think you understand what I am saying.)
What I have enjoyed about your blog is that you seem to align with many of the thoughts and feelings that I have come to over the past little bit. I don't see happiness choosing a path of being "authentic" (there are those quotes!) and leaving my family, especially with the quality and caliber of gay men that I have encountered. On the flip side, we have been separated for a little over a month now, and I feel that she would be happier in her life without me, and with a man that loves her fully.
Also during this time I have come to an uneasy truce with the church in my mind. I realize it is led by men, who are fallible and are not perfect. It is hard to rectify that with the gospel, which is infallible and perfect, and I still struggle with that. I guess I can deal with that on my own, but what I am looking for comes from questions and impressions that come to my mind during my reading of blogs about the wives perspective of being married to a gay man.
We have been married for 14 years now, and have had many trials and struggles, a number of them can be tied to my being dishonest about being gay. I still struggle with the fact that she wants to be with me, and feel like she is doing it out of a sense of duty or pity. I know that whether she stays or goes is ultimately her decision. She struggles with my refusal to renew my temple recommend, she thinks it is because I must be unworthy, when in reality I cannot justify getting a recommend when I don't believe I would be where I am without her as a mask (meaning that it is just by appearances that I can answer all the questions with a yes, but in my heart I know that I wouldn't be married to her if I had been initially honest with her, nor would I probably be an active member of the church.)
Anyway...thanks for what you write, yours is the only blog that has made me feel that I am not totally alone out here in an already lonely gay Mormon world.
After reading this letter I was impressed to comment that there are many men in the church that feel like they are not what they appear to be. On the outside they try to look confident and secure with their beliefs, where inside they are struggling with their testimony, or with an addiction. They may have marriages that are going through difficulties or deal with children that are less than perfect. Most of us feel inadequate in some way, or that we are not what we appear to be. Many of us deal with problems daily -- problems that we would gladly exchange for having to have daily dental work. But we put our socks on and tie our tie and go to church and smile.
Interesting his comment on being authentic. It's a good word. I have been accused of not being authentic, or true to myself by many in the lifestyle. Frankly, how would anyone else know which part of me is the true me, and whether or not I am being true to myself? That would be an issue between those me and those closest to me, and my God.
