No hate crime today

I was both pleased and saddened to learn that suspected hate crimes against a Delta man were not crimes done out of hate towards a man who had said he was attacked for being gay.  The idiots of society that usually perpetrate these crimes were not to blame.

Unfortunately, it seems that the acts were actually staged by him as local police confirmed several days ago. Millard County Sheriff Robert Dekker said Tuesday -- as per the Deseret News -- that the assorted crimes were all faked.

"The investigation has come to an end today with Jones admission of to having staged all of the incidents," Dekker said. He later added that investigators are meeting with the Millard County Attorney’s Office to determine whether any criminal charges will be filed against Jones.

It had been reported that the Grand Central Station eatery was vandalized with graffiti several, that money was taken from the restaurant on another occasion, and Jones' assertion that someone threw a rock with gay slurs and a Molotov cocktail through his bedroom window.

Jones' attorney, Brett Tolman, said his client "is accepting responsibility for the incidents" and asked Tolman to contact the sheriff's office and have them cancel the investigation.

Quotes from his attorney:

"At this point we are working with investigators and with the community at trying to point out and recognize that what this really amounts to is a very serious cry for help by an individual … who is gay and is in need of mental health treatment, which he is getting,"

"The fundraisers were not something that Rick started," the attorney said. "That was (done) by well meaning persons that wanted to help out. But it was the appropriate thing to return those donations."

"I don’t think it was an intention on the part of our client to do anything criminal. I think this is truly a cry for help by someone that needs it."

"At this point the most important concern is his well-being. … And while he’s acknowledging that this is something that he takes responsibility for, it still underscores some of the difficult and rough roads that those in the LGBT community go through."

I remember a time in my life that I may have been tempted to do the same type of thing.  I hope this man gets the help he needs so that he can feel good about himself.

What is the "right" answer to a MOHO prayer

The subject continued from the last post is getting answers to prayers and being influenced by the spirit. We have talked about several different situations.

The current scenario is my marriage. I am a gay Mormon married man. My wife is, for lack of a better term, “normal”. (Opposite-sex-attracted is a weird term.) We married with complete transparency.

I started blogging so that I could tout the blessings of such a marriage. Both of us felt that we had received inspiration in getting married to each other.

Did I go into the marriage thinking that I would be transformed? I will admit that, Yes. I didn’t expect it to be immediate, but I did expect something at sometime. I hoped it would be sooner rather than later.

Did my wife go into the marriage thinking that I would be transformed? I think she did, though she doesn’t say it. I do know that she thought – to a degree – that I would change myself.

Was the implication made by anyone that I would somehow, sometime have the gay taken away? Or did we infer that on our own.

We inferred.

I inferred.

It was always in my mind that if I obeyed, the Lord would take this particular cup from me/us. However, there was no established precedent other than, say, Abraham and his son. My ego is quite large. Huge in fact. But even in all my greatness I couldn’t possibly expect that particular brand of divine intervention.

No one is sending an angel to point a sword at me, whistle a Sondheim tune and change me straight.

Frankly, between us MOHOs and spouses of MOHOs, I will say that say that I do believe Heavenly Father could intervene in such a fashion were He to choose that method. However, I think he expects us to do our share first. My share is going to be the day to day obedience/repentance/forgiveness that happens to those who are doing their best to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ and the word of his prophets.

Bottom line -- will my marriage work? I don’t know. I am doing my best to make sure that it does. But my wife could decide that it is just too hard, or that she would rather be with someone who had a more butch libido. I can be the best husband that I can be, and yet, there will always be the sex issue. I have committed to not have sex outside of my marriage, but sex within ain’t "all that" for her. Can I ask her to be celibate? I can’t answer that.

Am I enough for my wife if I don’t have a sex life to offer? I don’t know that either. Yet I felt strongly that I should marry this woman, and she felt inspired to marry me.

· Perhaps there is something for us both to learn that could not be learned any other way.
· Perhaps I need to learn obedience at any cost.
· Perhaps the next life will offer us something we can’t even imagine that will make today's pain worth it- a time when our eyes will be opened and there will be an ah-ha moment.
· Perhaps there is no big moment of change and I will need to be content with having obeyed.

Regardless of the end result, I know that following through with the prompting of the spirit is always the right thing to do – even with the knowledge that I may not ever in this life know the reason why.

What would Bob LaBla do?

I would say that the more I know the less I know, but that has been said -- which simply puts punctuation on a problem that everyone will have at one point or another.

I am a gay Mormon man married to a normal Mormon woman. Of course I divulged everything to her before we were married. She was in the know as were my ecclesiastical leaders. There is no need to tell me about being truthful or listening to the "real me".  I know who the real me is.  The real me is the one who listens to the promptings of the spirit.

The advice I give people (imagine, people coming to me for advice – but they do) is to listen to the spirit. I stand by that advice. There is a catch, however and people don’t understand that.

Here is a hypothetical to steer in the right direction – purely hypothetical.  Bob goes to the Lord in prayer to ask if he should move to another city. Bob gets an overwhelming feeling that, yes, he should.  The next month his bid for the only house in the new city falls through.  Does that mean that his prayer was not really answered?

Heck no – if I may be so bold.  

• He can still move. There are thousands of cities around. 
• Or, perhaps Heavenly father wanted him to clean his life up – literally -- which could only be done by Bobs getting ready to move. 
• Perhaps Bob, in the process of trying to move, met someone that changed his life, or someone met him, which changed their life. 
• Perhaps a family had prayed for a house to move into, and Bobs place was a perfect fit for them. So the Lord provided something better for Bob but wants Bob to be proactive.

There are hundreds of scenarios.  Bottom line is that Bob received confirmation that his moving was a good thing. Bob went and did.

Another hypothetical; Marne receives confirmation that her path, her ideas, her preparations for girls camp are spot on.  She creates a perfect girls camp scenario with help from all the leaders who also feel they are being led by the spirit.  Halfway through camp it starts to rain and does not let up. Was Marne wrong?  Was the Lord wrong?  Were all the leaders somehow mistaken or mislead?

Again, no.   

• Perhaps the group ran upon a key concept of principal that they wouldn’t have found with out perusing that big idea.  
• Perhaps it was the preparation that was needed, not necessarily the follow through, 
• Perhaps there was a concept or a principal that was learned while everyone was focused on working together toward a common goal.  
• Perhaps there was something for the girls to learn by seeing the adults make lemonade.

There are so many scenarios that make perfect since once one takes the ego out of the equation.  What does Heavenly father want for me?  Is it better than what I think I need?

What does this have to do with me marrying my wife?  Give me two hours to write the next part down.


Here it is:  http://gaymormonman.blogspot.com/2015/06/what-is-right-answer-to-moho-prayer.html

Letter to the head marmoho (Married Mormon Homosexual)

In the first place, I am not the head Mar-mo-ho, but I have been at it for longer than the head marmoho and I am definitely a vocal marmoho. This letter is a good read.  Feel free to comment appropriately.

Cal,

I really appreciate your blog. As a gay man that finally came out to himself and his wife two years ago, I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. Some days the pendulum swings towards Ty Mansfield and Northstar, and other days it swings towards Elton John and Ru Paul (Okay, the Elton John is a big exaggeration, but I think you understand what I am saying.)

What I have enjoyed about your blog is that you seem to align with many of the thoughts and feelings that I have come to over the past little bit. I don't see happiness choosing a path of being "authentic" (there are those quotes!) and leaving my family, especially with the quality and caliber of gay men that I have encountered. On the flip side, we have been separated for a little over a month now, and I feel that she would be happier in her life without me, and with a man that loves her fully.

Also during this time I have come to an uneasy truce with the church in my mind. I realize it is led by men, who are fallible and are not perfect. It is hard to rectify that with the gospel, which is infallible and perfect, and I still struggle with that. I guess I can deal with that on my own, but what I am looking for comes from questions and impressions that come to my mind during my reading of blogs about the wives perspective of being married to a gay man.

We have been married for 14 years now, and have had many trials and struggles, a number of them can be tied to my being dishonest about being gay. I still struggle with the fact that she wants to be with me, and feel like she is doing it out of a sense of duty or pity. I know that whether she stays or goes is ultimately her decision. She struggles with my refusal to renew my temple recommend, she thinks it is because I must be unworthy, when in reality I cannot justify getting a recommend when I don't believe I would be where I am without her as a mask (meaning that it is just by appearances that I can answer all the questions with a yes, but in my heart I know that I wouldn't be married to her if I had been initially honest with her, nor would I probably be an active member of the church.)

Anyway...thanks for what you write, yours is the only blog that has made me feel that I am not totally alone out here in an already lonely gay Mormon world.

After reading this letter I was impressed to comment that there are many men in the church that feel like they are not what they appear to be.  On the outside they try to look confident and secure with their beliefs, where inside they are struggling with their testimony, or with an addiction.  They may have marriages that are going through difficulties or deal with children that are less than perfect. Most of us feel inadequate in some way, or that we are not what we appear to be. Many of us deal with problems daily -- problems that we would gladly exchange for having to have daily dental work. But we put our socks on and tie our tie and go to church and smile.

Interesting his comment on being authentic.  It's a good word. I have been accused of not being authentic, or true to myself by many in the lifestyle.  Frankly, how would anyone else know which part of me is the true me, and whether or not I am being true to myself?  That would be an issue between those me and those closest to me, and my God.