Getting Un-Stuck

Getting Un-Stuck

What win I if I gain the thing I seek? 
A dream, a breath, a froth of fleeting joy?
Who buys a minute’s myrth to wail a week
Or sells eternity to get a toy?
For one sweet grape, who would the vine destroy?
Or what fond beggar but to touch the crown,
Would with the scepter straight be stricken down?

                                                                                            - William Shakespeare

This is chapter eleven of the big gay Mormon book "They that be with us" that I am writing with friend Julie Martin. I am posting it on this site in chapter order and there is no cost. I am happy to respond to civil comments or questions. - Calvin

Let me touch on the title of the chapter before I go anywhere else. I don't believe that we gay Mormons need the atonement or a life change any more than the next guy. This chapter has to do with guys who happen to be Mormons who may feel the need to align themselves with the teachings of the prophet and all that it comes with. If this is important to you, then read on.

I used to have a clean crisp white sheet of parchment on my bulletin board right next to my sophomore prom picture which was themed “We Are Young And We Know Everything”.  It was to remind me to be spotless and unsoiled – specifically, to stay all crispy white and morally clean.  It was my image of worthiness up until the time one of my evil sisters wrote all over it in magic marker “Get your dishes done. I am not doing your chores LOSER!”

So much for clean and crisp white. I couldn’t even turn the thing over to use the back side because she leaned so hard on the word Loser that it bled right through what was an otherwise clean sheet.  It said “!RESOL” in scented grape marker with a smiley face for the point of exclamation. Hard as I tried, I couldn’t turn “!RESOL” into any type of positive motivation for me, so I ended up using the paper as a wrap for an old egg salad sandwich which I placed under her bed as a gift that kept on giving. 

Looking back, I can’t believe my sister got into my room in the first place with all the locks and booby traps I’d laid.  But more than that, I don’t believe that staying all crispy and white should necessarily have been my ultimate goal. How long was trying to stay perfect going to last me? Once I was scribbled on by purple grape marker where was I to go? How on earth was I going to clean that up, and why would I keep it on my bulletin board to remind me of what I now wasn’t?

Later in life (and not all that later it turns out), I ended up looking and feeling as scribbled and colored on with a purple marker as my pretty pure and perfect parchment had been.  Was life over for me?  Was there nothing more for me but to be a wrapper for stinky egg salad?  If the deal was done, why would I even keep trying?  

Virtue, from everything I understood, was an all or nothing kind-of affair like death or amputation - not so much by way of much middle ground.  

“So, Brother Thompson and Sister Martin,” you ask “after you have messed up your diet for the week, what keeps you from eating the entire box of chocolate éclairs and most of a three-cheese lasagna for twelve in one sitting? How do you motivate yourselves to keep trying?” You are right for asking.

Speaking of eating the whole lasagna, I think it should be apparent by now that my life, metaphorically speaking, has not been a clean and crisp white sheet of paper. The color purple, while a lovely cinematic feature is not my preferred look, nor my preferred scented marker.  I am currently speaking as one who found the iron rod from the other side of the map, a spacious place where spiritual congruency was as elusive for me as a perfectly white sheet of paper on a bulletin board in what seemed like a completely different life – certainly a different lifestyle.

It was a very dark time for me - one way by day, another by night.  At the time I remember feeling helpless, that I wasn’t smart enough or of enough value to Heavenly Father to get the help, guidance, and direction I needed.  I was caught in a cycle well known to many gay members of the Church

This cycle continued for years until I changed it and created a new one. Want to know how I did it?  It was amazingly easy.

Calvin Thompson’s Big Break

I started shoplifting.

I figured that I’d eaten enough lasagna and had been scribbled on with enough purple marker that the game was over, so how was pocketing a book or a bottle of aspirin going to make it worst for me in the afterlife’s sub-basement? A room with no view? An eternity of country music?

In hindsight, I can see that I was grasping at straws. I didn’t know what to do, and I am proud that I at least my inner sensitive guy knew to try to do something – even something as misguided as petty theft. I think a survival instinct kicked in. I made a choice. Considering some of the selections I thought were available to me at the time, my decision was downright proactive.

It was a choice not to give up. 

Practically, by stealing my cycle was simply made larger. What I meant as an interruption became a full-on invasion. I’d fed the monster and it put me on a leash as its pet and named me Sparky.

Amazingly enough, if I’d have put both the "gay" and the "shoplifting" upon the evidence board as exhibits “A” and “B”, then stood back to compare the two, I felt worse about the shoplifting!  At least stealing was an acceptable, bona fide sin (homosexuality, even then was not acknowledged by many) that I could acknowledge. I’d compartmentalized the SGA to the point where I considered the duality between nightlife and day life business as usual. 

So, now my personal version of the Mormon Pride Cycle which I am calling Cal’s Sin-o-Rama looked like this…

• I have gay sex
• I feel bad for having gay sex
• I feel guilt and shame and try to repent.
• I can't have gay sex because the repentance is too fresh so I shoplift.
• I feel bad for shoplifting and I repent.
• To feel in control I have gay sex.
• Rince and repeat. 

Does this sound familiar in any way?

When I was engaging in SGA behaviors I was thrilled that at least I wasn't shoplifting, and when I wasn't shoplifting, I found joy in being dry from both while trying to be a good person.  My scribbled purple marker covered the whole lasagna and then some.

Please hear me when I say that the choices I made are not the only choice everybody has at their disposal or that I am touting my experience as the way it works for everyone. I am saying that I did what I felt I had to do to survive; that in my grief and despair, these are the choices I felt I had to choose from: sex, shoplifting, or soberly bouncing on the Church wagon singing “Come, Come Ye Saints” – which, by the way, was originally heard in an English pub.

While I don’t know the science or the psychological reasons for these cycles, I understand that they are common.  I have a few friends that deal with alcoholism who have cycles.  Some of them drink to bolster self-esteem so then they can relax and be less self-conscious.  This reinforces their need for more alcohol, but then their guilt over alcohol dependence keeps their esteem in the gutter which requires more alcohol.

My Sin-o-Rama seems to be less uniquely “Cal” and more “O-Rama’ – more universal in describing destructive phases than I had realized.

Stepping Out Of Destructive Cycle and Avoiding Other Trouble Spots

In order to succeed, to stop the dishonesty, to be healthy, to be morally clean or what-have-you, disruptive cycles have to be broken. They have to be cracked in two or pried apart by some significant disturbance again and again until they are derailed and new healthy habits are established.

There are ways to do just that. Counselors are good at finding and suggesting methods that work for people to break these cycles. One of the techniques, as we understand it, is to get a grip on the underlining causes of the behaviors - to see where you are being blocked so you can make plans to move around it, or over it or through it.

When  Interstate 15 is blocked, our lives run infinitely smoother if we can plan ahead and look on a map for a proper detour – instead of sitting in the middle of a freeway jam frustrated both because we are blocked, and because we knew about the block in advance and did nothing! 

(By the way, my Gramma Ruby says that the definition of crazy from the Nampa Valley Farmers almanac is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result – like voting or paying taxes. Gramma Ruby might not have thought the adage up, but she looked so darn cute saying it with her wig on sideways.)

It’s not the knowledge that the road is blocked that breaks our cycle - though that knowledge is a real heads up.  Just knowing doesn’t make things happen.  It’s the plan to work around the roadblock and the follow through that gets us out of the rut and onto a different path – literally in this case.

______________________________________

I consider myself more knowledgeable today than I was when I first realized I was gay, and I still don’t understand all the underlining causes of my SGAttraction. Looking back I am amazed that in my ignorance I was able to get out of the self-created rut at all.

I had to go about breaking my personal cycle another way.  I had to blow something up or pull something down in order to derail the train that was going nowhere but circles. Somehow, in the midst of my sin-o-rama I got through my head a concept that literally saved my life.

• I needed, I wanted to follow the commandments of the Lord. In order to do that I had to stop what were for me destructive behaviors. 
• In order to stop the destructive behaviors, I had to include the Lord.

I didn’t have the willpower, the self-control or the brains ‘n brawn to do it on my own. I didn’t have a huge and visible support system to make me Way to Go posters and cupcakes.  I had to go right to the Lord and trust that -- when He said He would help me and that I was not on my own -- He meant me. He meant now.

Was it reading scriptures that saved me? Was it priesthood blessings or personal prayer?  Was it the angel or two that I felt around me at times to bolster me up and carry me home?  Was it the knowledge that He would not allow me to be tempted past what I could handle?  Was it an understanding that my relationship with Christ was private and personal?

It was all of the above and more. 

Once I got past a certain point and was able to take on more, I realized that to be successful I had to figure out what I wanted and what I was willing to both do and forgo in order to get it.  Could

Yes, I was, as it turns out. 

What I needed was an incentive of sorts.  Not a “what is in it for me” as grounds for action, but to know that there was something that made it worth it to forgo what I thought I wanted: what I thought I needed.  I yearned to know that there was a reason, that there was some logic somewhere even if I didn’t understand it. I needed to know what was in it for me to obey, and if obedience to the Lord served me as well.  What I needed was just the right paper on my wall with the perfect motto, and “!Resol” wasn’t it. 

I wanted to know what the Lord would do for me if I did what He said to do.  I hadn’t really tested any of the promises and convents between man and the Lord before.  I was about to.

I now have a motto that I don’t usually put into words. It didn’t come to me originally in word form, after all. It has to do with His love for me and still comes with addendums in pieces that I put together and rearrange. But I can say this; there are things involved here that I do not understand, and may not understand in this life. It will be worth it for me to do as He has asked me. 

Let me be frank:  He has asked that there be no sex outside the bounds of marriage, and He has established that marriage is between a man and a woman.  I choose to follow Him.  Therefore I choose to not have gay sex.

It is a small nitch - those who are gay and who want to follow the Lords commandments.  By follow I mean to hold an LDS temple recommend and hold it honestly with no misrepresentation. There are some out there who strive for this and I am one.  I do not judge others who have different goals.

With the knowledge I have, rather than focusing on what I don’t want or what I can’t do, I am focusing on what I can.  Now that I have a testimony of Him and His plan for me, I can believe in myself.  If He thinks I can do it, then I don’t need any other approval.  If He says yes, then what am I waiting for?

I have found wisdom in inspired words like these from Portia Nelson.

"I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street." 

To mix all the metaphors together, my experience derailing a speeding train has taught me that no purple marker is too deep for repentance. The atonement of Jesus Christ and my willingness to repent has become an incredible tool in both removing purple marker and in seeing that there is more to a meal than Italian food.

Chapter Ten Big Gay Church Book

Chapter Ten of The Big Gay Mormon book - 
"They that be with us" 

This is a from a manuscript I was writing to help gay members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This chapter became mute quickly so I am not including it in the finished manuscript. I still think it has worth, however.

The Power of a Name  or

The beauty in, the danger of a few words   

My darling sister Carol-Lynette-Margaret-Louise is four feet nine and a half inches tall, standing. I myself am six foot three, also standing. I would think that one of us was adopted, but my mama promised that indeed we are siblings of the most generic genetic kind. She has been struggling with health issues for years; low energy, dizziness, mood swings grander than the normal patented Thompson family mood swings. It troubled her and us for some time. We thought she might have had food allergies or Epstein Barr.  We thought it was all in her head and that she was psycho.  Still, the symptoms had become debilitating. Finally, a doctor did some tests and found that she was diabetic. 

When she called and told me that all this time she’d had an insulin problem I was so relieved that I started to laugh. She almost hung up on me. At last!  Eur-freakin-eka!   It had been discovered. Her problem had a name.

Carol-Ella-Margaret-Louise was dealing with the same problem as millions of other people with shorter names and taller bodies. There were pills available. There were shots available. There were books and magazine articles, websites and specialists on the subject. There was a telethon fundraiser sponsored by Healthy Happy Foods featuring stars of the Partridge Family. We didn’t have to wonder what the problem was, or if there even was a problem to begin with. We had at our disposal a list of things we could do to help her. She had a list of things she could do to help herself. Stick a name on it and it becomes manageable.

“Hey, Carol-Ella-Margaret-Louise.  How is your diabetes? Are you still short?”

“Hey, Cal.  It stinks, but I am managing. Are you still annoying?”

Just having a name we could attach to what had been ailing her seemed to empower all of us. The gray clouds in our new and happier world left the sky and were replaced by bluebirds and singing rabbits. Knowing what we were up against gave us options and a refreshing freedom. It seemed manageable.

Tall and Annoying

My own “helpful name revealed” moment was not as public or as joyful, and I certainly did not share it with family or friends.  Not even sister Carol-Ella-Margaret-Louise.  Of course, the diagnoses of SGA (a title that did not exist in nineteen-eighty-blah-blah) was not made in the doctor’s office. 

The feelings at my finding a title are difficult to describe even now that I have access to a lovely thesaurus. I knew what the symptoms were: there was a longing - something inside that was fundamentally different for me than the other boys in my school and church group. They seemed to naturally gravitate towards things that had no interest or appeal to me.

 The jokes they told didn’t make sense.  The camaraderie was off.  I stared at things I shouldn’t have been staring at, and I didn’t stare at the things that caught their attention.  Stuff just didn’t fit, and I interpreted this as my having some flaw that the others didn’t.  This combined with a suicide in my former neighborhood of a man thought of as being different, and I wondered if that’s what guys who were different were supposed to do.  Were we left on our own and expected to weed ourselves out? 

I withdrew from groups.  I wanted to be alone.  Walking home from school one day on the country road where my dad was building a new house, I stumbled across some literature that was truly meant for the gutter.  It had been tossed out somebody’s car window.  I was actually looking for money, good walking sticks, and pieces of blue glass.  I found empty beer cans and dubious literature instead.  Much of it meant nothing to me, but there was a part toward the back that rang a few bells.  

I learned quite a bit that day. Suddenly there was a name to go with my manner, and I found out about it while sitting on the side of an Idaho road.

Even with the misconceptions, stigmas, and horror I eventually found attached to the name, it gave me an idea of what I was up against, and it was something others were feeling as well.  It let me know that I wasn’t a freak or an aberration while at the same time confirming that I was both of those.  I was horrified at the diagnoses.  I didn’t laugh in relief.  I was just a kid.  I had had no sexual experiences, and yet, pieces were starting to fit. 

In the years since then, I have literally risen from the gutter, knowing I have a choice in who I really am and what I do, and that knowledge means the world to me.  

There was another name for me.  I was also an active, believing Latter-day Saint of the white shirt on Sunday and funeral potatoes variety. I was raised in the Mormon culture and I was eating shredded carrots and pears in my Jell-O way before anyone was drawing political cartoons about it.  My mom was presented at a Gold and Green Ball and she Kimball-ised her pink clamshell dress. (You may need to Google that). My grandfather was a stake president in Nampa, Idaho and I was going to Church back when we used to leave and return three separate times on Sunday.  I even slightly remember when a Bazaar was not bizarre at all.

Need more verification? Okay, how about the fact that I use farming metaphors? I have worked in the nursery, taught Gospel Doctrine, cleaned Church bathrooms and wondered why there was a sofa in the ladies room. I have snorted out loud during a particularly funny talk in sacrament meeting, and once while I was in the MTC my companion and I both fell asleep for a few minutes in the temple during a six am session on our “P” day. I know what an eternal smile is and I am happy to have one.

If I am LDS, which I am, and I also have strong SGA desires, which I do, how can I accept and honor what I am without tearing myself apart? These two names don’t seem to go together. I was a walking oxymormon.

I found some comparable in the story of a group of townsfolk who have captured a woman they claim is a witch, and who is being blamed for all their society’s ills.  To prove that this poor girl, with a carrot tied onto her face to elongate her nose, is indeed a witch and not just the baker’s wife, they use some suspicious-at-best logic. 

Drunk Townsperson: You must prove that she is a witch.

Silly Townsperson: How do we do this?

Drunk Townsperson: Witches burn because they are made of wood! Therefore, if she floats like a log, then she is a witch! 

They proceed to dunk the soggy woman into the pond.

Now, what’s the poor baker’s wife to do? If she doesn't float, then the townsfolk won’t bun her and she gets to live, excepting that she is drowned in the process. If she comes up for air like a good non-witch, then she is burned at the stake-her reward for having to breathe. What a conundrum.

I related to the baker's wife and I hoped that she could hold her breath or swim like the dickens and outrun them.  Was holding my breath and outrunning everyone the only solution for me as well?

No wonder we all had ulcers

Julie: I’ll admit that before my experiences with my son, my understanding of what it meant to be homosexual was very limited. Homosexuals as good Mormon boys?  That a young man may be a football player who passes the sacrament and is SGAttracted didn’t even enter my mind.

Calvin: Many are opening their mind to new thoughts and ideas. One of the reasons I appreciate the LDS Church so much is that encourages people to learn new things.

Julie:  Are we talking about the same church? There are some members that embrace change but they are usually under thirty.

Calvin:  I am trying to think/speak positively. 

The LDS church taught as I was growing up that homosexuality (not, I remind you, SGAttraction--a word that had not been created) was perverse. If you were homosexual and Mormon (impossible in some books due to a widely held belief that homosexuality didn’t really exist), the options were to keep it to yourself with varying degrees of obedience or leave the church in order to be “true to yourself.”

Secular groups of the time agreed. Some claimed homosexuality to be at odds with nature even going so far as to classify it as mental illness.  Of course, some promoted the “Be all that you can be” philosophy, which has morphed into the supposition that if you are homosexual then you must act on those feelings. It’s not OK to be gay your own way.  You have to be gay their way. 

Rubbish.  I have a brain and I can decide for myself.

I can accept that these SGA feelings I have may be, for all earthly intents and purposes, a permanent part of what I am – at least as permanent as earth life is.  At the same time, I can follow the teachings of the prophets who instruct that we have a choice when it comes to following our natural leanings and inclinations.  That agency lives and breathes. I know, in my heart of hearts that this body I inhabit is SGAttracted, but I also know that I don’t have to act on those feelings to be whole and happy.

This is not a philosophy that has been taught very long. It certainly was not around for me to understand as I was growing up. But due to those of us who have gone to the Lord in prayer and begged for help, clarifications have been made and will continue to be made to help those of us who desire to be faithful to the standards as we know of them through our prophets.

As with all the challenges and difficulties inherent with the human condition, our prior knowledge that SGA would be a part of our earth life is comforting to me. He knew that though these feelings would, to some degree, be a thorn in the side of those who wanted to obey the highest law. He also knew that they would provide opportunities for growth, understanding, self-control, and compassion. There is wisdom in considering that SGA is given as an obstacle for some to overcome through our use of agency.  After all, the Lord has said…

 “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble, and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them”

If the decision was made by us -- with heavenly direction – that we would exist with, thrive in-spite-of or because-of, and grow from overcoming homosexual inclinations

Sex had never been the end though it has been presented by the world as such. Satisfying our physical appetites -- regardless of their origin -- was never considered the end. Godliness was the end.

Let me restate that. 

Being worthy to enter the LDS temple has always pushed members of the LDS church to a high standard as far as the law of chastity is concerned and in many other ways as well.  No one disputes this.  It is still the case. One cannot have sex outside of marriage and obtain/maintain a temple recommend. Gay, straight, bi… No sex outside of marriage. This is a very high law.  Not all are willing to obey this law.  And yet you can not strive to follow this high law and still go to the LDS church, or believe in the teachings of the church. 

There are people in the LDS church who are obeying to varying degrees with varying levels of success. We all have issues and we all are dealing with pain and problems.  How on earth can one person say that his sins are fine, but not mine?

Gay couples are welcome to the Mormon church. Straight couples are welcome to the Mormon Church. Perfect families are welcome, and so are imperfect families.  Individuals are welcome regardless of their sexual preference.  If some dweeb at church gives anyone a hard time or a cold shoulder for smelling like cigarettes, having a tattoo, wearing heels a little too high, or sporting fantastic all leather brown numbers with colorful socks, then it is the fault of some dweeb at church for not following the gospel as taught by Jesus Christ.

Julie: You’ve been waiting a long time to say that, haven’t you?

Calvin:  Why, yes. Yes, I have.

Homosexuality: A Label Today

The word homosexuality means something different to me having grown up (or maybe just by my growing up it took on new meaning). When I was younger, homosexuality was associated with shame and fear, a dark secret that had to be kept.  It’s losing its stigma like the word alcoholic did. There is a bit more understanding  It’s getting closer to being just a name.

Julie:  For a long time, I didn’t see any hope with the word “homosexuality.”  SGA seemed like a death sentence for my son and his part in our family; a big secret we had to keep under lock and key.

Calvin:  My Grandma Ruby always said that there should be no secrets except birthday surprises, school locker combinations and how much milk money she had saved up. I tend to agree with her. SGA is no longer a secret that has to be kept out of fear of judgment or even retaliation.

I, for one, look forward to having an open-book kind of life that could at any moment be shouted out from the metaphorical rooftop and have it not make a bit of difference in my life or the life of my family.  I could take most of the energy I have spent on shame or on keeping my “cover”, and instead put it into something productive, like learning to spell, or building an addition to my house.

               

Chapter Seven - They That Be With Us - Finding the Connection Between Being Gay and Being Mormon.

This is chapter seven of the big gay Mormon book I am writing with a friend. It is not salacious.  And the reason I am writing the big Gay Mormon book is because I am gay and I am a temple recommend holding Mormon man. 

Chapter Seven: The Enemy We Know  
or "Alex, I will take 'Demystifying Satan' for $800"

Calvin:  When I play games of any kind, I’m out to win.  I may look all passive and docile, but I’m the Dominator - especially when I play my kids. They are young enough that I can predict their moves simply because I know them and how they think. I know that if I can take my son’s queen then the game is not as fun for him and he quits. I know that my daughter likes all her pieces in a straight line - which is hard to do in chess but she does it. I use that information to exploit and win. 

On the other hand, my wife knows me well enough to know that if she drags the chess game out or plays something that takes hours - like Monopoly -  then I will probably get bored and concede the game.

There is someone else that knows us at least as well as I know my kids or as well as my wife knows me -- someone we face every day in matters more important than a chess match. 

Lucifer has a great memory and he has no rules. His aim is as obvious as his methods are devious. Satan’s desire is to destroy the children of God on the earth and to make them miserable. He is the enemy of all righteousness and of those who seek to follow God. If I seek to follow God, then he is my enemy, too. 

It would be wise to familiarize ourselves with him and his tactics in order to avoid deception and capture. We will discuss him briefly in this chapter to get an idea of his plan of action. Once we have done so we will focus on the Savior and followers of the Savior who have successfully avoided being caught in Satan’s traps, and how we can avoid the pitfalls, to begin with.

The apostle John A. Widtsoe states in this account of Lucifer 

“...He pitted his own plan and will against the purposes of God. He strove to gain the birthright of his Elder Brother, Jesus the Christ. When his proposition was rejected, he forsook all that he had gained; He was no longer Lucifer, bearer of truth, who walked in light, but Satan, teacher of untruth, who slunk in darkness. He became the enemy of God and of all who try to walk according to the Lord's commandments.”

The prophet Ezra Taft Benson taught that Lucifer wanted, not just to be honored, but “to be honored above all others. In short, his prideful desire was to dethrone God.”  In a vision given to Joseph Smith the Prophet and Sidney Rigdon, we learn that Satan wanted “to take the kingdom of our God and his Christ.” These are not the altruistic actions of one meaning to selflessly submit, or the unveiling of a gentle penchant to resist to authority.  His intention was to take over, to usurp God the Father.

Against The Odds

A third part of the hosts of heaven who were present with the millions of us in that pre-earth life assembly followed Lucifer. They declared that they no longer believed in the truths as taught by Father and were cast out of heaven. They were denied the blessing of a physical body and the chance to return to the presence of God. When the devil and his followers were cast out they were sent to earth where they, as evil and generally unseen spirits, seek to destroy all mankind.

They were angry. They still are.  

“The adversary’s aim is to destroy us. Angry that his plan was not adopted in the heavens; angry at his failure in the rebellion against God and at his expulsion from the courts of glory; angry at his being deprived of a body, he and those who fell with him have been eager ever since that dreadful time to destroy their brethren and sisters who did not rebel with them. We who are here (tonight), as well as all who are upon the earth, kept our first estate. We did not listen to Lucifer. He was a mighty angel; he had exceedingly great power in the presence of God. He used his great influence with the family of God to convince them that the plan which he proposed was the better one and to persuade them to reject the plan of God and his Son Jesus, our elder brother. Failing in this, he has, apparently, declared war against all his brethren and sisters who were honorable and maintained their allegiance to God. Therefore he is continually spreading snares for the feet of the children of men.  -Apostle George Q. Cannon

Satan’s Method of Battle

Calvin: In Satan’s version of the story of the preexistence, like a fractured fairy tale, he is cast in the ingénue role as the innocent one. He believes that he has been conned out of what was rightfully his; that he is the picked on, the victim. Obviously, with one third the host of heaven following him, he can be convincing. He tells a good story.

“Satan knows all the tricks…” and the traps, and the lies. He is skilled enough to be able to turn anything to his advantage.

Almost everything.

One of his primary tactics is to encourage those on earth to deny his existence or his purpose. This ploy has had great success. We ourselves help this along may assist him to disappear in the crowd by being equally as anxious to eliminate any wrongdoing or culpability/responsibility in the matter. It’s easier on our conscience if we can convince ourselves that there are no rules, there is no bad, there is no Satan.

"And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance."

How naïve are we to consider, even for a moment, that Satan doesn’t exist.  And what an excellent game plan he had conceived. How can we hope to defend ourselves against an enemy we have been convinced is not real? If we take his existence lightly we will in no way be prepared to resist him. How do we fight something that isn’t there? How do we prepare for battle against a thug we have made-up to scare children into obeying?

There is a popular series of young adult novels that establishes the enemy, the villain as someone who must not ever be named out loud. This may have originally started to dishonor him but it eventually became a jewel in his crown—his name struck fear, which for some became a type of reverence.

I do not revere Satan or those who belong to him. I have seen the lives he has destroyed. I have seen his power. I respect him as an adversary but would rather deal with him by staying out of his way as I try to follow the Lord.

Satan would keep the attention off himself and his minions, while he stays in the shadows. I would shout his name from the rooftops if I thought the publicity would demean his cause. The day will shortly come when he won’t be as subtle or secretive with his intentions.

Elder Marion G. Romney, at the time 1st councilor in the first presidency said:

"We Latter-day Saints need not be, and we must not be, deceived by the sophistries of men concerning the reality of Satan. There is a personal devil, and we had better believe it. He and a countless host of followers, seen and unseen, are exercising a controlling influence upon men and their affairs in our world today."

Satan’s Other Tactics

We have previously noted Satan’s penchant for convincing us that he and his minions -- as well as evil itself -- are of our own creation if they exist at all; That he is the one wronged.  His other tactics include:

● Encouraging sin, presenting sin as inviting and desirable, or teaching that repentance is meaningless because there is no sin. He minimizes sins seriousness and its effects

● Calling good evil and evil good—the wholesome is demeaned, degradation is valued;

● Guiding us to concentrate on the present and ignoring the future,

● Teaching us to ignore the revelations of God, or that there are no such things;

● Flattering us into thinking that our worldly wisdom is enough, resulting in modification of standards to fit current social norms.

The war that began in the pre-existence when Lucifer decided that he knew better for us and about us than Heavenly Father did is still being fought today. The emotions have not faded. Though there is a veil that covers much of our memory, it only affects those of us here on earth with bodies. Those without the veil remember entirety.

Satan remembers which side we were on. He knows who we were and where we stood – and how we chose. He knows our names. He remembers what we liked and what our preferences were and where our vulnerabilities lay—like I know how my kids think when we play chess. He knows our frailties and our week spots. He uses strategy. He is going for it all, and he’s got a head start.

Julie’s Guide to Knowing Who is Who

Julie: Satan’s power is real, so real that it can sometimes be confusing whether the thoughts or the inspirations we feel come from Heavenly Father or from Satan. We must be vigilant in guarding against the prince of lies and his deceits if we want to resist being pulled into his web. 

By the time I was out of high school, I’d had numerous opportunities to feel the Holy Ghost in my life, and I recognized the Spirit whether as a small still voice or a power that filled my whole body with light.

A girlfriend invited me to attend an interdenominational bible study group and I agreed to go. They met in the apartment of one of the youth leaders, a guy in his mid-twenties. My friend and I were two of about fifteen teenagers in attendance. As the meeting began the leader invited us to take turns sharing the story of how we had been saved. As a member of the LDS Church, the term saved was more of an ongoing process than an actual point in the timeline for me, so I turned to something more familiar: My testimony.

The last young woman who shared her “saved” story spoke about an important college exam she was preparing for, and someone suggested we pray for her success. To my surprise, everyone left the couch and chairs to sit cross-legged on the ground in a circle around her.

I hesitantly joined them.

Prayer was safe, I thought to myself. I’d been praying since I was a little girl and I was comfortable doing it. Despite the differences in our doctrine and the growing antagonism of the youth leader, we were all basically talking to the same God. 

No one was called on to be voice, so I assumed we would all quietly say our own personal prayers. I folded my arms, bowed my head and silently began, “Dear Father in Heaven…”

But...

The whole experience was strange, and I would have gotten up and left the circle if I hadn’t felt it would be disrespectful to their faith. Instead, I prayed more fervently asking the Spirit to be with me. Suddenly I felt an invisible power rush through the room. It felt like a strong wind blowing first one direction and then another, although nothing in the room stirred.

This power was strong but unfamiliar and it seemed to affect the other teenagers almost immediately. The noise level increased, someone started crying out and another shouted halleluiah. I was terrified. Evidently, the others in the room had felt this power before and assumed it was of God, but I knew immediately that it was neither good nor holy. There was no warm peaceful feeling, no sense of safety and love. It was erratic, stimulating everyone in the room with its powerful but unfocused energy.

Fear overcame me, and I prayed fervently to be protected from whatever unseen evil had entered the room. A few moments later the prayer circle was over and the young people stood up, their eyes glazed and their energy drained.

 

I left the apartment as soon as I could, but what stayed with me was the memory of how differently I had perceived the experience. Several of the students spoke of the beautiful and powerful Spirit of God that had been there, and it seemed I was the only one who’d realized that God had had no hand in the evening. Powerful? Unbelievably. But divine? Certainly not.

General Moroni; The Example of Man (Regardless of Sexuality or Preference)

Calvin: So we know who Satin is, what is motivation is and what tools he uses.  Let’s now look at someone who was successful in fighting him.

Mormon in his writings was quite impressed with Moroni the man and leader—enough that he named his son after him.  “And Moroni was a strong and a mighty man; he was a man of a perfect understanding; yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed; a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country, and his brethren from bondage and slavery” 

 I always had the image of the man we have come to know as General Moroni as the anti-Satan.  Not just a follower of Christ, but one who proactively pursued and destroyed the influence and those influenced by Satan.

If ever there was a list created on how to overcome the influences of Satan, this would be it.

● His heart was large in (giving) thanks to his God

● He worked to keep his people safe, had sworn an oath to do so, which included defending his people, rights, country and religion

● He promised never to raise the sword except against an enemy, or to preserve their lives.

● He was strong in the faith of the Savior

● He was obedient in keeping the commandments of God

● Because of his faith and responsibility, God would warn them according to their danger;

● His heart did glory in doing good, in preserving his people, in keeping the commandments of God and resisting iniquity

● By actions he was/they were all men of God.

● He preached the word of God, and they baptize unto repentance all men whosoever would hearken

● People did humble themselves because of their (his) words

● If we were like Moroni, the devil would not have power.

He was strong enough to fight Satan. He was resourceful and innovative. His use of armor and weaponry was inspired. He was respected by honorable men.  He was bold enough that if more were like him the foundations of hell would tremble, and I want him on my side.

I have never been bold enough to shake the powers of hell. Moroni was powerful in ways I may never be. No one is going to mistake my arms for Moroni’s via an Arnold Freeburg painting regardless of how thick my armor is. But I can still adopt Moroni's faith into my own attitude and actions. 

I can, on a smaller scale, be a thorn in Satan’s side.

It’s getting down to the wire. We all sustained Heavenly Fathers plan and we were willing to submit to all things which the Lord saw fit to inflict upon us.  We had purpose and vision. We believed in eternal life – God’s life. We had the fulfillment of knowing who we were and what our Father thought we could become.  We can still have all these things.

We are sons and daughters of the King. We all have worth in the sight of our Heavenly Father. Where we are in life or how successful we have been thus far does not change this fact.

We will focus on the Lord, and we will be sustained in our challenges and disappointments, in our successes and failures.

Why did I spend the last few minutes reading about Lucifer and his schemes in a chapter about gay Mormons?

If I may be frank:  Now, like then, we have a choice. We can follow the Savior or not. When the Savior - through his prophets or by his own mouth -  says that sex is for marriage and marriage is between a man and a woman, then that is the way it is. 

However, it took me years to come to that conclusion. I was no choir boy during that time. But I finally figured out where I wanted to go from there. I remembered what I committed to in the preexistence and then again in the temple. Anything short of following the Savior will not get me where I want to be. 

If someone else chooses differently, then God bless them. I love and support them and wish them the very best. I have made my choice and I expect the same respect. 

Because of what I know, I have no need to spend any more time trying to prove to myself that my very existence is not futile or absurd. I know who I am, and I know that both the Savior and our adversary know me as well. When times get tough -- like they were yesterday and like they will be again tomorrow -- I remember who I trusted (and who I didn’t) to get me back home.

They That Be With Us - Chapter 6

This is the sixth chapter of  "They That Be WIth Us,"  which is my Big Gay Book.  How can I be a real Morman and write a Big Gay Book? Just like this...

Pulling back to See the Bigger Picture;

Expanding our View

A man came across 3 stone-cutters working in a quarry – each busily cutting a block of stone. Interested, he asked the first stone-cutter what he was doing. "I am cutting a block of stone!" the stone-cutter muttered.  Wanting more information, the man turned to the next stone-cutter and asked him the same question. “I am cutting this block of stone to make sure that it is exact so that it will fit in its place in a wall." He said with a smile.  Still unclear, the man asked his question to the third stone-cutter who seemed to be the happiest of the three who replied: “I am building a cathedral.”

W

 hen I was 9 I used to pretend that I was an alien prince--left on this planet due to superior intelligence.  My task here on lowly Earth was to learn humility, to show my loyalty, and to earn my father -- the king’s -- respect.  In my little story I needed to experience what was needed in order to be a better ruler and then he would send his finest warriors to bring me back home where I would reign with wisdom and possibly a cape.

 

It was a silly story even then but it helped me to cope.

The real story is even better than I ever imagined, and because I know the real story I can cope and do so nicely.  And, I am not coming into the story in the middle of it.  I know the beginning, the middle – where I am now – and I have an idea about the end. In short, I understand the big picture. The little things, or the medium things - heck, even the huge bolder that drops on my path can be stepped around as long as I know the big picture. 

My first story wasn’t too far off. I was sent to earth by the Father to -- among other things – learn humility. And I will gain wisdom and show loyalty so that I can return to Him in honor.

Possibly with a cape.

Cal’s Quick Pre-existence Refresher

I have always known that our life as we know it here didn’t begin at birth. We are children of Heavenly parents and our father is God the King. That is the first part of the story.  Mormons know all about the pre-existence.

Much like the legendary Camelot, our pre-mortal home was a place of beauty, light, and love. Our purpose there was to learn as much as we could.  As lovely as things were there, some of us may have realized that we were ready to have more, to accomplish more, and to simply be more than we had been up to that point.

 

One day our Father gathered us in and gave us instruction. He presented a plan. (Every good ruler has a clear plan of action, and our Father certainly would). He shared details with us that, in our excitement and inexperience, we hadn't considered. The plan was this; We would leave His presence, get a body, and use our agency to choose to follow Him – or not to follow him. We would be challenged.

He asked us to sustain His plan.  We said yes, and we meant yes.

I may not have understood the particulars, like why there needed to be someone to take responsibility for us.  But I knew that Father in His perfect wisdom and intelligence knew all things. I trusted Him to know.  It was His job to know.

Out of love for us Jesus volunteered to be our Savior. He wanted to follow God’s plan, and was happy to let the glory remain with Heavenly Father. He would accept the punishment for the mistakes we’d on earth, making it possible for us to return home after we’d completed our assignments on earth. I so loved Him even before He stepped up, and that love doubled along with my respect.

Another volunteered also. Both of my elder brothers were strong and powerful. I looked up to and loved each of them. But Lucifer wanted Heavenly Father to change His plan. Lucifer proposed to save everyone by taking away our ability to choose right from wrong.  He guaranteed that none of us would be lost.  Lucifer also wanted the honor to go to him instead of Father.

Once it was explained, I knew who best represented me, who I wanted to serve and follow. Heavenly Father’s plan stood, and He chose Jesus to be our Savior. Lucifer was angry and rebelled.  It got bad quickly. Things were said that I’d never heard before, and there were emotions I’d never felt.  There were divisions in a family that had never been divided. Some of my brothers and sisters felt differently than I did. I tried to convince them – I can be very convincing. I may have told a joke to lighten the mood so we could focus on the truth of the matter. We all tried.

It was over for some of us then and there. I was saddened for my brothers and sisters who were cast out.  I am sad now thinking of them, but we moved on.

Jesus was in charge of us now. We may have met with Him one on one, I don't know. I don't remember, (though I truly am excited for the day when I do). He had individual plans of action for us. Every good ruler has a clear plan of action. We confirmed that, yes, what we wanted more than anything was to be like Father.

Our elder brother showed us how...

How It Was

Julie:  You can see that Cal had a background in theater and has a very creative imagination.  Still, his view is pretty close to what we know of the pre-existence from scriptures and prophetic revelation. God had a plan. Jesus volunteered to follow through, and Satan said his way was better. Utilizing our agency, we chose to follow God. The reason this is so important -- and the reason I let Cal wax-on -- is because we want everyone to remember what we were once a part of, and what our lineage is. Knowing who we were back then will assist us in knowing who we are now. We were the valiant and the righteous.  We were the ones who said no to force and yes to agency. We fought for the right to make our own choices, and we are still those brave and valiant spirits today.
 

Calvin: Reader, do you doubt it?  Find out for yourself. This is one of the perks of personal revelation, a gift graciously given through the Holy Ghost. The Lord wants us to know.  He is expecting us to ask.

I believe I had a PPI of sorts before I came to earth.  I believe that I agreed to come at a prescribed time and place, with talents and abilities. I may have been aware of the specifics, and I am speaking of SGA.  I believe that I agreed to take on the frailties, challenges, benefits, and abilities

Elder Spencer W Kimball said, “We knew before we were born that we were coming to the earth for bodies and experience and that we would have joys and sorrows, pain and comforts, ease and hardships, health and sickness, successes and disappointments; and we knew also that we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with a glad heart eager to accept both the favorable and unfavorable… We were willing to come and take life as it came.”

Julie: Have you ever thought about how much we really understood before we came to earth? I wonder if we got to pick the trials we would face on earth or the weakness we would have to overcome, or the strengths we would be blessed with.

Calvin: I’m not sure, but I think with agency being such an issue for us, we may have had some sort of “say” in the matter of our progression.  How much “say” I don’t know.  I’m not sure a wise and loving God would just let us choose our own failings with limited knowledge and experience. How could we know at such a young stage of existence what trials or weaknesses would do us the greatest good?  At that point in our lives, we would simply have had no frame of reference.

I think we agreed to come to earth with some understanding of the risks involved, as much as we could understand about something we had yet to experience.  I can’t imagine that any contributions we made would have been monumental, but the idea that we had a say in the matter is crucial to me -- even if that say was, “Okay, I agree.”

We knew that God’s purpose for sending us to earth was to obtain knowledge of good and evil, and we knew that striving to be like Him, in conjunction with the Atonement, would give us the best shot.

“His purpose is to help us qualify for the blessing of living with Him and His Son, Jesus Christ, forever in glory and in families. To qualify for that gift we had to receive a mortal body. With that mortality, we understood that we would be tested by temptations and by difficulties. - Henry B. Eyring

I don't know what your personal plan of action was. I wasn’t present for your PPI. But I have a good idea.  I’m gaining a more clear understanding of mine daily.

Very Big Picture

Julie: The Lord has been decidedly vocal on who He is and what His intentions are.  In revelations given to Moses and others in the Old Testament, in talks presented to His disciples in the New Testament, in His appearances to the peoples of the Book of Mormon and to Joseph Smith, the Lord declared Himself and His purposes.  His aim is to bring all those who will follow Him to the blessing of eternal life or Gods life: Undying love, power, never-ending creativity, fellowship and eternal brotherhood.  Ceaseless, timeless, everlasting. Very big picture.

He has also been clear that no one can frustrate the works, designs, or purposes of God, nor bring them to naught. God does not walk in crooked paths. His ways are straight; He turns neither to the right nor left, and his course is one eternal round. He gives us instruction and exhorts us to follow His will.

The Lord is saying that if we stick close to Him, He can offer us protection.  As demonstrated by His actions and instruction, our Savior cares for us and wants us to be safe. 

Calvin:  By virtue of our birthright, all of us have the power to learn and grow in ways we can’t even imagine. Through our own innate abilities and by accessing the power of the atonement to enhance the individual traits that make us who we are, we can achieve and accomplish things beyond our own dreams.

With this capacity why do we doubt our own natural abilities and let cynicism call the shots?  Because we do not believe it. Because we forget about Gods plan and the big picture. We forget to step back or look up.

A Lesson in Sidewalk Observance

Julie:  A social experiment was conducted in a major city, to see how people would respond to a tree full of free money. They chose a tree that grew along a sidewalk on a busy thoroughfare and paper clipped one hundred, one dollar bills to the branches. Each bill carried a removable sticker that included messages such as, “Hey Free Money” or “Don’t Ask, Just Enjoy”. A hidden video was then used to record the reactions of those who passed by.

It was interesting to observe how many people walked by the tree aflutter with green dollar bills and didn’t even look at it. Other’s glanced over but refused to stop and investigate. 

However the gentleman I found most interesting was a guy riding by on a bike. One of the bills had been blown to the ground under the dollar filled tree. This man saw the cash on the sidewalk, stopped, picked it up and went on his way. He never raised his head to see the fifty or more free dollars that hung invitingly right above his head.

Too often, we are like the guy on the bike. There are rich blessings that our Heavenly Father wants to give us right within our reach but because we can’t or won’t look up and see them, we miss out on these good gifts. By staring at the ground of life, we might think that temporary fun is all there is, but if we raise our head and search higher we’ll be knocked out by what we’d find.

God loves each of us, regardless of our orientation, and He desires to bless us if we will trust Him and raise our eyes to higher goals.  However, for a good number of us, this entails some effort, the very least of which is looking up. 

Calvin: And that folks is how the big picture looks to me. And why, you ask, is all this pre-existence stuff in Cal Thompson's Big Gay Book? The answer is because that is where we started. Not the womb and the birth canal. Not with nature or nurture. In fact, as I I picture the whole shebang in my mind, I see us closer to the middle that the beginning. We have already been spiritually created, lived and loved and been loved.  We were part of a huge counsel, made lasting choices and survived a war.  Then we were born on earth and have made it this far. 

 President Boyd K. Packer, former President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, taught: “There is no way to make sense out of life without a knowledge of the doctrine of premortal life. … When we understand the doctrine of premortal life, then things fit together and make sense.” 1

If you knew that God the Father is your father, and that he has a plan for you, that he knows your desires, your pain and your joy -- would that change things things up for you? Would it make a difference in how you treat yourself, others, or how you expected others to treat you?

Does it make any difference for you concerning your sexual orientation? 

It does for me. 



1 Boyd K. Packer, “The Mystery of Life,” Ensign, Nov. 1983, 18.

Scripture references to the pre-existence:

Spirit Children
Romans 8:16–17
Doctrine and Covenants 93:23, 29, 33–34
Abraham 3:22–23

Foreordination
Jeremiah 1:5
Alma 13:3
Doctrine and Covenants 138:55–56

Jesus Christ—Firstborn
John 1:1–2; 8:56–58; 17:5
1 Peter 1:19–20
Doctrine and Covenants 93:7, 21

Council in Heaven
Doctrine and Covenants 121:32
Moses 4:1–4
Abraham 3:24–28

War in Heaven
Revelation 12:4, 7–11
Doctrine and Covenants 29:36–37
Doctrine and Covenants 76:25–29