Chapter Ten Big Gay Church Book

Chapter Ten of The Big Gay Mormon book - 
"They that be with us" 

This is a from a manuscript I was writing to help gay members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This chapter became mute quickly so I am not including it in the finished manuscript. I still think it has worth, however.

The Power of a Name  or

The beauty in, the danger of a few words   

My darling sister Carol-Lynette-Margaret-Louise is four feet nine and a half inches tall, standing. I myself am six foot three, also standing. I would think that one of us was adopted, but my mama promised that indeed we are siblings of the most generic genetic kind. She has been struggling with health issues for years; low energy, dizziness, mood swings grander than the normal patented Thompson family mood swings. It troubled her and us for some time. We thought she might have had food allergies or Epstein Barr.  We thought it was all in her head and that she was psycho.  Still, the symptoms had become debilitating. Finally, a doctor did some tests and found that she was diabetic. 

When she called and told me that all this time she’d had an insulin problem I was so relieved that I started to laugh. She almost hung up on me. At last!  Eur-freakin-eka!   It had been discovered. Her problem had a name.

Carol-Ella-Margaret-Louise was dealing with the same problem as millions of other people with shorter names and taller bodies. There were pills available. There were shots available. There were books and magazine articles, websites and specialists on the subject. There was a telethon fundraiser sponsored by Healthy Happy Foods featuring stars of the Partridge Family. We didn’t have to wonder what the problem was, or if there even was a problem to begin with. We had at our disposal a list of things we could do to help her. She had a list of things she could do to help herself. Stick a name on it and it becomes manageable.

“Hey, Carol-Ella-Margaret-Louise.  How is your diabetes? Are you still short?”

“Hey, Cal.  It stinks, but I am managing. Are you still annoying?”

Just having a name we could attach to what had been ailing her seemed to empower all of us. The gray clouds in our new and happier world left the sky and were replaced by bluebirds and singing rabbits. Knowing what we were up against gave us options and a refreshing freedom. It seemed manageable.

Tall and Annoying

My own “helpful name revealed” moment was not as public or as joyful, and I certainly did not share it with family or friends.  Not even sister Carol-Ella-Margaret-Louise.  Of course, the diagnoses of SGA (a title that did not exist in nineteen-eighty-blah-blah) was not made in the doctor’s office. 

The feelings at my finding a title are difficult to describe even now that I have access to a lovely thesaurus. I knew what the symptoms were: there was a longing - something inside that was fundamentally different for me than the other boys in my school and church group. They seemed to naturally gravitate towards things that had no interest or appeal to me.

 The jokes they told didn’t make sense.  The camaraderie was off.  I stared at things I shouldn’t have been staring at, and I didn’t stare at the things that caught their attention.  Stuff just didn’t fit, and I interpreted this as my having some flaw that the others didn’t.  This combined with a suicide in my former neighborhood of a man thought of as being different, and I wondered if that’s what guys who were different were supposed to do.  Were we left on our own and expected to weed ourselves out? 

I withdrew from groups.  I wanted to be alone.  Walking home from school one day on the country road where my dad was building a new house, I stumbled across some literature that was truly meant for the gutter.  It had been tossed out somebody’s car window.  I was actually looking for money, good walking sticks, and pieces of blue glass.  I found empty beer cans and dubious literature instead.  Much of it meant nothing to me, but there was a part toward the back that rang a few bells.  

I learned quite a bit that day. Suddenly there was a name to go with my manner, and I found out about it while sitting on the side of an Idaho road.

Even with the misconceptions, stigmas, and horror I eventually found attached to the name, it gave me an idea of what I was up against, and it was something others were feeling as well.  It let me know that I wasn’t a freak or an aberration while at the same time confirming that I was both of those.  I was horrified at the diagnoses.  I didn’t laugh in relief.  I was just a kid.  I had had no sexual experiences, and yet, pieces were starting to fit. 

In the years since then, I have literally risen from the gutter, knowing I have a choice in who I really am and what I do, and that knowledge means the world to me.  

There was another name for me.  I was also an active, believing Latter-day Saint of the white shirt on Sunday and funeral potatoes variety. I was raised in the Mormon culture and I was eating shredded carrots and pears in my Jell-O way before anyone was drawing political cartoons about it.  My mom was presented at a Gold and Green Ball and she Kimball-ised her pink clamshell dress. (You may need to Google that). My grandfather was a stake president in Nampa, Idaho and I was going to Church back when we used to leave and return three separate times on Sunday.  I even slightly remember when a Bazaar was not bizarre at all.

Need more verification? Okay, how about the fact that I use farming metaphors? I have worked in the nursery, taught Gospel Doctrine, cleaned Church bathrooms and wondered why there was a sofa in the ladies room. I have snorted out loud during a particularly funny talk in sacrament meeting, and once while I was in the MTC my companion and I both fell asleep for a few minutes in the temple during a six am session on our “P” day. I know what an eternal smile is and I am happy to have one.

If I am LDS, which I am, and I also have strong SGA desires, which I do, how can I accept and honor what I am without tearing myself apart? These two names don’t seem to go together. I was a walking oxymormon.

I found some comparable in the story of a group of townsfolk who have captured a woman they claim is a witch, and who is being blamed for all their society’s ills.  To prove that this poor girl, with a carrot tied onto her face to elongate her nose, is indeed a witch and not just the baker’s wife, they use some suspicious-at-best logic. 

Drunk Townsperson: You must prove that she is a witch.

Silly Townsperson: How do we do this?

Drunk Townsperson: Witches burn because they are made of wood! Therefore, if she floats like a log, then she is a witch! 

They proceed to dunk the soggy woman into the pond.

Now, what’s the poor baker’s wife to do? If she doesn't float, then the townsfolk won’t bun her and she gets to live, excepting that she is drowned in the process. If she comes up for air like a good non-witch, then she is burned at the stake-her reward for having to breathe. What a conundrum.

I related to the baker's wife and I hoped that she could hold her breath or swim like the dickens and outrun them.  Was holding my breath and outrunning everyone the only solution for me as well?

No wonder we all had ulcers

Julie: I’ll admit that before my experiences with my son, my understanding of what it meant to be homosexual was very limited. Homosexuals as good Mormon boys?  That a young man may be a football player who passes the sacrament and is SGAttracted didn’t even enter my mind.

Calvin: Many are opening their mind to new thoughts and ideas. One of the reasons I appreciate the LDS Church so much is that encourages people to learn new things.

Julie:  Are we talking about the same church? There are some members that embrace change but they are usually under thirty.

Calvin:  I am trying to think/speak positively. 

The LDS church taught as I was growing up that homosexuality (not, I remind you, SGAttraction--a word that had not been created) was perverse. If you were homosexual and Mormon (impossible in some books due to a widely held belief that homosexuality didn’t really exist), the options were to keep it to yourself with varying degrees of obedience or leave the church in order to be “true to yourself.”

Secular groups of the time agreed. Some claimed homosexuality to be at odds with nature even going so far as to classify it as mental illness.  Of course, some promoted the “Be all that you can be” philosophy, which has morphed into the supposition that if you are homosexual then you must act on those feelings. It’s not OK to be gay your own way.  You have to be gay their way. 

Rubbish.  I have a brain and I can decide for myself.

I can accept that these SGA feelings I have may be, for all earthly intents and purposes, a permanent part of what I am – at least as permanent as earth life is.  At the same time, I can follow the teachings of the prophets who instruct that we have a choice when it comes to following our natural leanings and inclinations.  That agency lives and breathes. I know, in my heart of hearts that this body I inhabit is SGAttracted, but I also know that I don’t have to act on those feelings to be whole and happy.

This is not a philosophy that has been taught very long. It certainly was not around for me to understand as I was growing up. But due to those of us who have gone to the Lord in prayer and begged for help, clarifications have been made and will continue to be made to help those of us who desire to be faithful to the standards as we know of them through our prophets.

As with all the challenges and difficulties inherent with the human condition, our prior knowledge that SGA would be a part of our earth life is comforting to me. He knew that though these feelings would, to some degree, be a thorn in the side of those who wanted to obey the highest law. He also knew that they would provide opportunities for growth, understanding, self-control, and compassion. There is wisdom in considering that SGA is given as an obstacle for some to overcome through our use of agency.  After all, the Lord has said…

 “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble, and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them”

If the decision was made by us -- with heavenly direction – that we would exist with, thrive in-spite-of or because-of, and grow from overcoming homosexual inclinations

Sex had never been the end though it has been presented by the world as such. Satisfying our physical appetites -- regardless of their origin -- was never considered the end. Godliness was the end.

Let me restate that. 

Being worthy to enter the LDS temple has always pushed members of the LDS church to a high standard as far as the law of chastity is concerned and in many other ways as well.  No one disputes this.  It is still the case. One cannot have sex outside of marriage and obtain/maintain a temple recommend. Gay, straight, bi… No sex outside of marriage. This is a very high law.  Not all are willing to obey this law.  And yet you can not strive to follow this high law and still go to the LDS church, or believe in the teachings of the church. 

There are people in the LDS church who are obeying to varying degrees with varying levels of success. We all have issues and we all are dealing with pain and problems.  How on earth can one person say that his sins are fine, but not mine?

Gay couples are welcome to the Mormon church. Straight couples are welcome to the Mormon Church. Perfect families are welcome, and so are imperfect families.  Individuals are welcome regardless of their sexual preference.  If some dweeb at church gives anyone a hard time or a cold shoulder for smelling like cigarettes, having a tattoo, wearing heels a little too high, or sporting fantastic all leather brown numbers with colorful socks, then it is the fault of some dweeb at church for not following the gospel as taught by Jesus Christ.

Julie: You’ve been waiting a long time to say that, haven’t you?

Calvin:  Why, yes. Yes, I have.

Homosexuality: A Label Today

The word homosexuality means something different to me having grown up (or maybe just by my growing up it took on new meaning). When I was younger, homosexuality was associated with shame and fear, a dark secret that had to be kept.  It’s losing its stigma like the word alcoholic did. There is a bit more understanding  It’s getting closer to being just a name.

Julie:  For a long time, I didn’t see any hope with the word “homosexuality.”  SGA seemed like a death sentence for my son and his part in our family; a big secret we had to keep under lock and key.

Calvin:  My Grandma Ruby always said that there should be no secrets except birthday surprises, school locker combinations and how much milk money she had saved up. I tend to agree with her. SGA is no longer a secret that has to be kept out of fear of judgment or even retaliation.

I, for one, look forward to having an open-book kind of life that could at any moment be shouted out from the metaphorical rooftop and have it not make a bit of difference in my life or the life of my family.  I could take most of the energy I have spent on shame or on keeping my “cover”, and instead put it into something productive, like learning to spell, or building an addition to my house.

               

Chapter 8 - Big Gay Mormon Book

                                                     I got lost on The Road Less Traveled, 

or  Options for the SGAttracted, 

or  The Chapter where Julie lets Calvin tell the Helga story

This is chapter eight of the Big Gay Mormon Book that I am writing with a friend.  I am a gay Mormon and she is the parent of a gay Mormon.

“The Church is for all members…All of us, single or married, have individual identities and needs, among which is the desire to be seen as a worthwhile individual child of God. …The clarion call of the Church is for all to come unto Christ, regardless of their particular circumstances.    - Howard W Hunter

Calvin:  My younger brothers believed that their massive IQ’s were far over and above a regular board game so they combined several of them to create something that they felt resembled a challenge for their dazzling, sometimes dizzying intellect. The game was rather convoluted with many levels.  It featured exotic places, characters and tons of possible scenarios. I only ventured down into their lair once over the holiday and didn’t let go of the iron rod (the stair rail) just in case. All I really remember was marveling at how funny our teeth looked under a black light.

Does anyone think that their mortal existence is going to be any less complicated than my brother’s basement adventure?

In a chapter on SGA options, we need to acknowledge the thousands of choice combinations available. There are different categories, levels of commitment, personalities, social networks, spiritual beliefs. As if that weren’t enough, there are degrees of sexuality as per the Kinsey scale.

I am not in a position to judge any of them. Neither are you. Nor is it our job to. My point is that lifestyles, which I might not consider for my own life, are being lived out by others. What a blessing it is that we all have options and agency at every turn. All of us.

Julie: As a mom, I have certain expectations that I want my son to fulfill, expectations that for now may not be very realistic. Getting past that I need to realize that there are lots of places between perfection and damnation. If he’s not in a temple marriage, maybe a committed relationship is better than multiple sexual partners. It’s not exactly what I think is best, but maybe, for now, it’s better than it could be. And there are so many choices to go and decisions to make.

Calvin: In looking at this subject, we tried to consider as many different possibilities and options for the Mormon with SGAttraction as possible to show that there are as many styles of living as there are bodies and souls. Here are a few descriptions we came up with – many you may recognize.

SGA and Church Membership

Member in good standing - Active

Member in good standing - Not active

Dis-fellowshipped

Excommunicated

Voluntary name removal

SGA, and Church Activity; Faith

Believes and attends regularly

Believes and attends sometimes

Believes but doesn't attend

Does not believe and does not attend

Does not believe but attends anyway

SGA and Relationship Status

In SGA relationship

Single but seeking SGA relationship

Desiring to remain single, Celibate or not

Desiring to suppress homosexual feelings/behaviors and seek a straight relationship

In a straight relationship but unmarried

Straight Marriage with intentions of making it work

Straight Marriage without intentions of making it work

Public Knowledge (Closet Status)

No one knows.

Very private, out to very few.

Only best friends or internet strangers know
Out to non-members, but nobody at Church knows a thing
Out to some nonmembers, but in the Church they are only out to priesthood leaders -seeking their counsel
Out to everyone at Church, or “Out” in general

SGAttraction in the Mormon Church is not a cut and dry deal. Franklin Roosevelt expressed it by saying, “There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still.”

Julie: We acknowledge that there is diversity in the homosexual Mormon world, and what works for one may not work for another - as many options in this world for homosexuals as there are for heterosexuals.  My friend from college has several children now grown up and living their own lives.  Chatting with him on facebook he expressed anguish that his homosexual son was not living the life he wanted him to. He asked me what I would do in the same circumstance. I reminded him that he had another son who was in the same circumstance and as a parent, he had dealt with similar behaviors with this older son. “But that misbehavior was with girls” he responded. Morality, not sexuality was the issue. 

Options become somewhat limited for both homosexuals and heterosexuals when they decide to follow the teachings of the prophets. It is not referred to as the straight and narrow without reason.  The desire to have a family is divine. The need to share one’s life with another person is inspired. How we go about accomplishing these is up to us.

And still, as a parent (still Julie talking) I would hope that my son would strive for a healthy homey, domestic situation regardless. Gay or straight, I would like him to be worthy of the priesthood.  If not that, then I would like him to pray and attend church. If that is not happening, then I would like him to have some stability and limited partners.   A moral core and limit of one pack a week?  I just want what’s best for him, and as a mom my standards are high.

The Choices For LDS SGA

Julie: Not many of the options mentioned are compatible for a LDS/SGAttracted individual to worthily hold a temple recommend. Would you be more specific about what options are realistic to meet both personal and spiritual needs of a SGA

Calvin: The word “agency” would seem to at least imply that those SGAttracted have options.  One of my favorite television commercials of all time was for a fast food chain known for its not-so-fast food.  It starts out at a fashion show held in lovely Yacksburg Siberia inside a drab but spacious warehouse.  A working-class woman, Helga is the model while the Master of Ceremonies, in a high Russian accent, announces “Is next… evening vear,” at which Helga poses in a simple cotton grey dress with matching babushka.  “Is next, swim vear.” Helga has traded babushka for a multicolored beach ball and tosses it around still wearing the same cotton work dress. 

“Is next, Sunday-go-to meeting.””  She is still in the very same dress only this time with a bible and a fly swatter.  The idea was that the people had the freedom to select what they liked – but that there was nothing to select from.

Those SGAttracted, like the citizens of Yacksburg seem to have limited options. Most of life, for all of us, is about a set of limited choices. But taking it one choice at a time opens up opportunities never dreamed of. 

Julie:  I’m sitting here writing at my computer and I suddenly feel thirsty. I have the option to get up, go to the kitchen and get a drink or to not get up, go to the kitchen and get a drink. Once I decide whether to get up or not, a whole new set of choices open up. If I do get up, what beverage will I choose to quench my thirst, and if I don’t get up, what child will I call to go get me that drink?

Options of Living – brought to you by Julie’s sudden thirst

Calvin:  I believe that gays who have had or wish to continue some sort of a relationship with the LDS Church tend to fall into one of the following categories.

I can do as I have been taught in the church to do.

I have never been able to justify dropping or ignoring my testimony of the church in order to indulge my SGAttraction – even when I was in the middle of indulging. I discovered first hand about cognitive dissonance, feeling uneasy because I was trying to hold on to conflicting thoughts simultaneously.

 In order to completely accept one of the ideas (am I gay or I Mormon – as if they were mutually exclusive), I had to ignore the other; either I really wasn’t gay, or the church was not true. Some in my position have reduced or eliminated such conflict by denying or their past experience and testimony. I could not. And though I became adept at justifying my sexual behavior I got even better at simply creating my own world where both were possible and I didn’t have to choose. 

I couldn’t throw the blame on church leaders or on my parents – though I would have loved to throw it on my parents. There seems to be a logical statute of limitations for blaming my life choices on others.

Once I realized that what I was was not sinful and that the SGAttraction behaviors could -- in theory -- be overcome or maintained, I no longer had the need to blame others for my personal mess. I didn’t need to justify, as did Aesop’s fabled fox, that the high hanging, seemingly unattainable grapes were probably sour or otherwise distasteful. I had received a spiritual witness of both the churches veracity and my SGAttraction. For me, the choices from then on were clear, or clearer than they ever had been.

The second option is to choose to deny or to discredit, minimize or ignore the importance of the church and/or its teachings.  

At one point I tried to pretend that I had been brainwashed, that I was too young to be responsible when my religious opinions formed or were formed for me. I thought that I had obtained real, practical experience that overrode my upbringing. 

Another technique I employed that I have since seen in others was to begin selecting the principals taught in the church that I chose to continue to invest in/believe in: Going to church, yes, tithing, no, being kind to others, yes, chastity, no. 

And then there is everything in between. There are so many other options that I just call them, “and the rest,” including…

●One can live with the dissidence. I do it, but I know it’s wrong; I do it, I’d rather not think about it;     

●He can live in a non-monogamous or multi-partnered gay life.

●He can live something in-between outside of the LDS church - visiting at will.

●He can enjoy a relationship with a SGAttracted partner while maintaining a belief in and keeping relationships with the LDS church open however limited it may be (no callings, temple attendance, or priesthood use). Blogger land if full of these men who love the church and their SGA partners both.

Now we throw a stick into it.

●He can enter into heterosexual marriage, being committed, with full disclosure. 

(While there are many options after this, I will not include them as we, in this book, are not promoting marital infidelity or dishonesty in any way.)  All of these can be done with various degrees of honesty and integrity. And all of these can be done with various levels of church activity.

A Quick Experiment For The Bold Of Heart Concerning Choice For the LDS SGA

This isn’t playing fair, but I am going to ask you to do something. If you had to pick the three top options for your child or brother, for your dad or best friend, which would you choose?  And, no, you can’t pick just one.  Consider this an experiment in unconditional love.  Go back and look at the list and pick the top three in their order for someone you love. 

Do you see the problem?  Try to fit them into the church or into your life if they use their agency and select any option but the first, or the one you agree with.  Does your loved one still fit into your LDS life?      

Julie: As members of the LDS church and as a couple sealed in the temple, my husband and I have been taught over and over again the importance and responsibility that comes with the gift of one of Father’s children. We know that we must raise them with care, teach them the gospel and do everything within our power to get them back home; we aim for that goal and define our success by that objective.

The problem with this perspective is that, like the straight and narrow road we are trying to follow, there isn’t much wiggle room for our children. If they don’t choose a temple endowment, church activity, obedience or a heterosexual relationship, then it doesn’t matter what else they choose, because it won’t be enough for us, and we will lose them.

But what if the choice isn’t between going to church and not, what if the choice is between doing drugs or smoking? Getting drunk on Friday nights or an occasional glass of wine with dinner? Or how about anonymous SGA sex at the club or a committed monogamous relationship with someone of the same sex?

Not so simple is it? We certainly don’t want our kids strung out on cocaine or trying to drive drunk, but could we live with the alternatives? Could we view progress for what it is, even if it isn’t as complete as we wish it would be? And could we sit back and be happy for a responsible son, holding down a full-time job with a like-minded life partner? What if they chose to adopt a child? Are they still in the family picture?

These aren’t easy questions for me to answer, and they may not be for you either. Seeing our children settle for less than their potential, even if that less is better than they were before feels like a cop-out, and accepting the situation, for us, feels like giving up. Sometimes in our efforts to help our children be obedient, we become their worst enemy. We push and prod and nag our children right out of the church and worse yet, right out of our lives.

Calvin: Latter-day Saints often think in terms of black and white, good or bad, wrong or right.  Most of our loved ones don’t live that kind of life.  If we are honest, most of us, though we try, do not live that kind of life either. Often the more personally involved we get with our fellow mortals the more we are aware of combinations and degrees--not “shades of gray” necessary, but different points of view and unique perspectives with each choice, each bout of agency having its own set of consequences both here and in the world to come. We widen our view to include all those we love.  

Chapter Seven - They That Be With Us - Finding the Connection Between Being Gay and Being Mormon.

This is chapter seven of the big gay Mormon book I am writing with a friend. It is not salacious.  And the reason I am writing the big Gay Mormon book is because I am gay and I am a temple recommend holding Mormon man. 

Chapter Seven: The Enemy We Know  
or "Alex, I will take 'Demystifying Satan' for $800"

Calvin:  When I play games of any kind, I’m out to win.  I may look all passive and docile, but I’m the Dominator - especially when I play my kids. They are young enough that I can predict their moves simply because I know them and how they think. I know that if I can take my son’s queen then the game is not as fun for him and he quits. I know that my daughter likes all her pieces in a straight line - which is hard to do in chess but she does it. I use that information to exploit and win. 

On the other hand, my wife knows me well enough to know that if she drags the chess game out or plays something that takes hours - like Monopoly -  then I will probably get bored and concede the game.

There is someone else that knows us at least as well as I know my kids or as well as my wife knows me -- someone we face every day in matters more important than a chess match. 

Lucifer has a great memory and he has no rules. His aim is as obvious as his methods are devious. Satan’s desire is to destroy the children of God on the earth and to make them miserable. He is the enemy of all righteousness and of those who seek to follow God. If I seek to follow God, then he is my enemy, too. 

It would be wise to familiarize ourselves with him and his tactics in order to avoid deception and capture. We will discuss him briefly in this chapter to get an idea of his plan of action. Once we have done so we will focus on the Savior and followers of the Savior who have successfully avoided being caught in Satan’s traps, and how we can avoid the pitfalls, to begin with.

The apostle John A. Widtsoe states in this account of Lucifer 

“...He pitted his own plan and will against the purposes of God. He strove to gain the birthright of his Elder Brother, Jesus the Christ. When his proposition was rejected, he forsook all that he had gained; He was no longer Lucifer, bearer of truth, who walked in light, but Satan, teacher of untruth, who slunk in darkness. He became the enemy of God and of all who try to walk according to the Lord's commandments.”

The prophet Ezra Taft Benson taught that Lucifer wanted, not just to be honored, but “to be honored above all others. In short, his prideful desire was to dethrone God.”  In a vision given to Joseph Smith the Prophet and Sidney Rigdon, we learn that Satan wanted “to take the kingdom of our God and his Christ.” These are not the altruistic actions of one meaning to selflessly submit, or the unveiling of a gentle penchant to resist to authority.  His intention was to take over, to usurp God the Father.

Against The Odds

A third part of the hosts of heaven who were present with the millions of us in that pre-earth life assembly followed Lucifer. They declared that they no longer believed in the truths as taught by Father and were cast out of heaven. They were denied the blessing of a physical body and the chance to return to the presence of God. When the devil and his followers were cast out they were sent to earth where they, as evil and generally unseen spirits, seek to destroy all mankind.

They were angry. They still are.  

“The adversary’s aim is to destroy us. Angry that his plan was not adopted in the heavens; angry at his failure in the rebellion against God and at his expulsion from the courts of glory; angry at his being deprived of a body, he and those who fell with him have been eager ever since that dreadful time to destroy their brethren and sisters who did not rebel with them. We who are here (tonight), as well as all who are upon the earth, kept our first estate. We did not listen to Lucifer. He was a mighty angel; he had exceedingly great power in the presence of God. He used his great influence with the family of God to convince them that the plan which he proposed was the better one and to persuade them to reject the plan of God and his Son Jesus, our elder brother. Failing in this, he has, apparently, declared war against all his brethren and sisters who were honorable and maintained their allegiance to God. Therefore he is continually spreading snares for the feet of the children of men.  -Apostle George Q. Cannon

Satan’s Method of Battle

Calvin: In Satan’s version of the story of the preexistence, like a fractured fairy tale, he is cast in the ingénue role as the innocent one. He believes that he has been conned out of what was rightfully his; that he is the picked on, the victim. Obviously, with one third the host of heaven following him, he can be convincing. He tells a good story.

“Satan knows all the tricks…” and the traps, and the lies. He is skilled enough to be able to turn anything to his advantage.

Almost everything.

One of his primary tactics is to encourage those on earth to deny his existence or his purpose. This ploy has had great success. We ourselves help this along may assist him to disappear in the crowd by being equally as anxious to eliminate any wrongdoing or culpability/responsibility in the matter. It’s easier on our conscience if we can convince ourselves that there are no rules, there is no bad, there is no Satan.

"And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance."

How naïve are we to consider, even for a moment, that Satan doesn’t exist.  And what an excellent game plan he had conceived. How can we hope to defend ourselves against an enemy we have been convinced is not real? If we take his existence lightly we will in no way be prepared to resist him. How do we fight something that isn’t there? How do we prepare for battle against a thug we have made-up to scare children into obeying?

There is a popular series of young adult novels that establishes the enemy, the villain as someone who must not ever be named out loud. This may have originally started to dishonor him but it eventually became a jewel in his crown—his name struck fear, which for some became a type of reverence.

I do not revere Satan or those who belong to him. I have seen the lives he has destroyed. I have seen his power. I respect him as an adversary but would rather deal with him by staying out of his way as I try to follow the Lord.

Satan would keep the attention off himself and his minions, while he stays in the shadows. I would shout his name from the rooftops if I thought the publicity would demean his cause. The day will shortly come when he won’t be as subtle or secretive with his intentions.

Elder Marion G. Romney, at the time 1st councilor in the first presidency said:

"We Latter-day Saints need not be, and we must not be, deceived by the sophistries of men concerning the reality of Satan. There is a personal devil, and we had better believe it. He and a countless host of followers, seen and unseen, are exercising a controlling influence upon men and their affairs in our world today."

Satan’s Other Tactics

We have previously noted Satan’s penchant for convincing us that he and his minions -- as well as evil itself -- are of our own creation if they exist at all; That he is the one wronged.  His other tactics include:

● Encouraging sin, presenting sin as inviting and desirable, or teaching that repentance is meaningless because there is no sin. He minimizes sins seriousness and its effects

● Calling good evil and evil good—the wholesome is demeaned, degradation is valued;

● Guiding us to concentrate on the present and ignoring the future,

● Teaching us to ignore the revelations of God, or that there are no such things;

● Flattering us into thinking that our worldly wisdom is enough, resulting in modification of standards to fit current social norms.

The war that began in the pre-existence when Lucifer decided that he knew better for us and about us than Heavenly Father did is still being fought today. The emotions have not faded. Though there is a veil that covers much of our memory, it only affects those of us here on earth with bodies. Those without the veil remember entirety.

Satan remembers which side we were on. He knows who we were and where we stood – and how we chose. He knows our names. He remembers what we liked and what our preferences were and where our vulnerabilities lay—like I know how my kids think when we play chess. He knows our frailties and our week spots. He uses strategy. He is going for it all, and he’s got a head start.

Julie’s Guide to Knowing Who is Who

Julie: Satan’s power is real, so real that it can sometimes be confusing whether the thoughts or the inspirations we feel come from Heavenly Father or from Satan. We must be vigilant in guarding against the prince of lies and his deceits if we want to resist being pulled into his web. 

By the time I was out of high school, I’d had numerous opportunities to feel the Holy Ghost in my life, and I recognized the Spirit whether as a small still voice or a power that filled my whole body with light.

A girlfriend invited me to attend an interdenominational bible study group and I agreed to go. They met in the apartment of one of the youth leaders, a guy in his mid-twenties. My friend and I were two of about fifteen teenagers in attendance. As the meeting began the leader invited us to take turns sharing the story of how we had been saved. As a member of the LDS Church, the term saved was more of an ongoing process than an actual point in the timeline for me, so I turned to something more familiar: My testimony.

The last young woman who shared her “saved” story spoke about an important college exam she was preparing for, and someone suggested we pray for her success. To my surprise, everyone left the couch and chairs to sit cross-legged on the ground in a circle around her.

I hesitantly joined them.

Prayer was safe, I thought to myself. I’d been praying since I was a little girl and I was comfortable doing it. Despite the differences in our doctrine and the growing antagonism of the youth leader, we were all basically talking to the same God. 

No one was called on to be voice, so I assumed we would all quietly say our own personal prayers. I folded my arms, bowed my head and silently began, “Dear Father in Heaven…”

But...

The whole experience was strange, and I would have gotten up and left the circle if I hadn’t felt it would be disrespectful to their faith. Instead, I prayed more fervently asking the Spirit to be with me. Suddenly I felt an invisible power rush through the room. It felt like a strong wind blowing first one direction and then another, although nothing in the room stirred.

This power was strong but unfamiliar and it seemed to affect the other teenagers almost immediately. The noise level increased, someone started crying out and another shouted halleluiah. I was terrified. Evidently, the others in the room had felt this power before and assumed it was of God, but I knew immediately that it was neither good nor holy. There was no warm peaceful feeling, no sense of safety and love. It was erratic, stimulating everyone in the room with its powerful but unfocused energy.

Fear overcame me, and I prayed fervently to be protected from whatever unseen evil had entered the room. A few moments later the prayer circle was over and the young people stood up, their eyes glazed and their energy drained.

 

I left the apartment as soon as I could, but what stayed with me was the memory of how differently I had perceived the experience. Several of the students spoke of the beautiful and powerful Spirit of God that had been there, and it seemed I was the only one who’d realized that God had had no hand in the evening. Powerful? Unbelievably. But divine? Certainly not.

General Moroni; The Example of Man (Regardless of Sexuality or Preference)

Calvin: So we know who Satin is, what is motivation is and what tools he uses.  Let’s now look at someone who was successful in fighting him.

Mormon in his writings was quite impressed with Moroni the man and leader—enough that he named his son after him.  “And Moroni was a strong and a mighty man; he was a man of a perfect understanding; yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed; a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country, and his brethren from bondage and slavery” 

 I always had the image of the man we have come to know as General Moroni as the anti-Satan.  Not just a follower of Christ, but one who proactively pursued and destroyed the influence and those influenced by Satan.

If ever there was a list created on how to overcome the influences of Satan, this would be it.

● His heart was large in (giving) thanks to his God

● He worked to keep his people safe, had sworn an oath to do so, which included defending his people, rights, country and religion

● He promised never to raise the sword except against an enemy, or to preserve their lives.

● He was strong in the faith of the Savior

● He was obedient in keeping the commandments of God

● Because of his faith and responsibility, God would warn them according to their danger;

● His heart did glory in doing good, in preserving his people, in keeping the commandments of God and resisting iniquity

● By actions he was/they were all men of God.

● He preached the word of God, and they baptize unto repentance all men whosoever would hearken

● People did humble themselves because of their (his) words

● If we were like Moroni, the devil would not have power.

He was strong enough to fight Satan. He was resourceful and innovative. His use of armor and weaponry was inspired. He was respected by honorable men.  He was bold enough that if more were like him the foundations of hell would tremble, and I want him on my side.

I have never been bold enough to shake the powers of hell. Moroni was powerful in ways I may never be. No one is going to mistake my arms for Moroni’s via an Arnold Freeburg painting regardless of how thick my armor is. But I can still adopt Moroni's faith into my own attitude and actions. 

I can, on a smaller scale, be a thorn in Satan’s side.

It’s getting down to the wire. We all sustained Heavenly Fathers plan and we were willing to submit to all things which the Lord saw fit to inflict upon us.  We had purpose and vision. We believed in eternal life – God’s life. We had the fulfillment of knowing who we were and what our Father thought we could become.  We can still have all these things.

We are sons and daughters of the King. We all have worth in the sight of our Heavenly Father. Where we are in life or how successful we have been thus far does not change this fact.

We will focus on the Lord, and we will be sustained in our challenges and disappointments, in our successes and failures.

Why did I spend the last few minutes reading about Lucifer and his schemes in a chapter about gay Mormons?

If I may be frank:  Now, like then, we have a choice. We can follow the Savior or not. When the Savior - through his prophets or by his own mouth -  says that sex is for marriage and marriage is between a man and a woman, then that is the way it is. 

However, it took me years to come to that conclusion. I was no choir boy during that time. But I finally figured out where I wanted to go from there. I remembered what I committed to in the preexistence and then again in the temple. Anything short of following the Savior will not get me where I want to be. 

If someone else chooses differently, then God bless them. I love and support them and wish them the very best. I have made my choice and I expect the same respect. 

Because of what I know, I have no need to spend any more time trying to prove to myself that my very existence is not futile or absurd. I know who I am, and I know that both the Savior and our adversary know me as well. When times get tough -- like they were yesterday and like they will be again tomorrow -- I remember who I trusted (and who I didn’t) to get me back home.

More gay Mormons in the news -- and not in a good way

Cringe.

I have been cringing for a half an hour since I read about the gay teen who was sent to a therapy center (?) to have the gay beat out of her. And get this: She is from a Mormon family. Just when I think that all the stupid has been wrung out of the body of the LDS church, something like this hits the news.

First of all, I feel for this poor girl and applaud the person who told her "get thee to a lawyer". Standing against a wall with a bag of rocks? What the...? And I support everything this girl says about conversion therapy needing to be eliminated. Buried. Placed into a large red balloon and allowed to float off into wherever.

Her experience with her parents? Completely pointless to tell a child that they choose their sexuality and that they chose wrong.

Morons. Is that too harsh?

This girl is coming out with a book that details her eight-month-long experience with so-called “conversion therapy” at a residence in southern Utah. So, the first thing I think is that I hope, for humanity's sake, that this story has been exaggerated. Even if it has, at the core is a problem that should be publicized. Gay kids are being abused in the name of religion. Mormon religion, if you happened to miss it at first reading. I didn't, which is why I am still cringing.

What was she doing at this treatment center/house/level of hell, you ask? Because her Mormon parents sent her there after she came out as gay, says a KUTV report.

This girl called what was done to her (rocks in a backpack, physical abuse, and other crap) a practice that was "exhausting and humiliating" that needs to stop.

"It's like sending you to therapy to change your eye color," she said in an interview Tuesday Channel 2 news. “It’s not going to work. What it's going to do is damage you."

Eventually, the teen was allowed to attend high school and through a fellow gay student was eventually able to contact an attorney in Salt Lake.

The official stance of the LDS church, through spokesman Eric Hawkins (who I have in my frequent contacts on my phone these days) is this:

"The Church denounces any therapy that subjects an individual to abusive practice," said LDS spokesman Eric Hawkins.

"We hope those who experience the complex realities of same-sex attraction find compassion and understanding from family members, professional counselors, and church members."

And in this case particularly, members of the LDS church are saying, once they are able to un-cringe, GO GIRL! We love you and wish you the best and we don't care about your sexual preference. The Savior loves you and we do, too.  And those that don't shouldn't be in your life.

OK.  I am going to try to un-cringe now.

Gay Frankenstein

I saw a bad movie last week that was part horror, part mystery, part thriller, lot's of action and reeeeaally bad. It ends with a voice-over by Frankenstein's monster about why he is what he is. There he stands on a rooftop in a Gothem-like setting and he slowly articulates: "...I, Frankenstein."  Very dramatic. 

I thought I would use his technique here to nail down what I am and how I feel about it. Here goes:

I... gay Mormon dude.  

I have always been a homosexual Mormon man, though the specific age has varied – man child, young man, college man, taxpayer man, and now sorta old ma... never mind. 

The nails... please watch the nails.

By the same token, I have always been a Mormon of the “dyed in the wool, true blue, through and through” variety. I was born into an LDS family and through pain, pride and prayer I have always come back to my Church - sometimes from a great distance, sometimes not. 

I am so proud of my religion that I don’t care what others call it, Mormon, LDS, or Latter-day Saint, nor do I care about the popular misconceptions. I was once asked on my mission if I was embarrassed that the Spanish definition of Mormon in the dictionary was “a polygamous sect”. 

No I wasn’t embarrassed. I was a Mormon, and I knew what it truly meant to be a Mormon.  I was proud of my heritage – regardless of what others thought. With that foundation established it was easier to handle being asked about my wives, responding in a friendly way to "hey you J-dub", or “Hola CIA.”  I even had local ruffians who asked me to put 100 bucks on Honduras in the World Cup with my bookie back in the states.

I have even responded to "that F-ing Mormon" or "F-ing fag" Call me anything these days – as long as you call, and I will tell you how vital to me my membership is in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 

By the same token, my homosexuality – like my religious beliefs, has never been a question for me. I am tall, I am a Mormon, I am slightly arrogant, I like tangy taffy and I am homosexual. My sexual attraction -- regardless of whatever popular semantic has been assigned to it -- has been such from the beginning.

I am proud of who I am. However, you may have noticed that I am writing this blog, and an upcoming book, anonymously. Why do I go by Calvin Thompson and not my real name?  

Frankly, I haven't gone to great lengths to keep my identity private, and anyone who wants to put forth the effort could figure it out in a hurry. Several have figured it out and they keep it to themselves. 

The reason I keep my pseudonym active is because of my family. Family is the reason I don't come out and say that I am gay. I am married to a woman and I have kids and I am faithful to my wife and the covenants I made in the LDS temple.

And yet, I am gay and proud to be what I am -- what god made me. 

I have not always been proud. When I was in college, after serving an honorable mission, I started acting on my urges. For those new to the blog, this means that I had gay sex. I had a lot of gay sex. I could not come to grips with being gay and a Mormon. I thought I had to be one or the other.  

There was no one to advise me and I did my best with what I had. I slept around. I quickly found the underground gay scene at BYU and I became the homecoming queen. I say that with a little laugh, but it almost did me in. 

It's taken me 20 years to function as an adult male in the world. I write this blog so that others in my position -- those who are gay and Mormon and want to keep ties to the LDS church and their religious beliefs -- can do so without the duplicity that would have killed me.

My wife is OK with me writing this blog.  She doesn't read it, and I don't ask her to. Once I have put my book out I will back out of the gay Mormon writing scene altogether. My job will be finished - as far as letting those in my position know that there are options available.

There are, by the way, options available.