Mormons and Tolerance of Homosexuals

 

I was asked if Mormons couldn't just chill out with the gay thing. Of course, the question asked was meant to speak to the acceptance of gays into the Church.  It's a good question that I believe we should all be asking ourselves.

To go on with an understanding that we all are trying to understand each other we have to define terms. 

Definition of gay for Mormon purposes. Agree or not, like it or not, there are two categories of Homosexuality for Mormons.

• "Gay and living the lifestyle" which isn't the best definition but the one that actually comes closest, and:
• Gay people who are not currently having same-gender sex and could be - in theory - eligible for temple recommends. We aren’t going to be talking about the second group but those who are gay and living life as such - again, not a great definition but there you have it.

One last must. We need to agree, for the sake of discussion at least, that the Savior Jesus Christ is at the head of his Church. If we don't agree to this as a base then the following will not make sense.

There are two issues here. The first issue has two parts:

Part 1- How we Mormons treat people who are not cut out of what has become the standard cloth - those that smell of cigarette smoke, have visible tattoos, pink hair, come-and-get-me heels - anything that is not of the norm. Gays fit that description. Should members accept gays into their church and worshiping circles?  My answer is a resounding “Hell yes.” Why is this even a question is simply beyond me.

Part 2 - Are gays welcome not just theoretically into the Mormon Church from a policy viewpoint - from the very standards and rules set by the Church? 

• They can attend sacrament meeting but can't take the sacrament. 
• They can't hold callings. 
• Their children can't be baptized until they reach legal age.
• They are considered apostates.

The simple answer is, no. This is what many members would like to see changed or altered or refined - whatever the wording is for policy adjustments. And my understanding is that the way this is currently defined these guidelines are not doctrine but policy – which, in theory, could be altered. This is what happened in the seventies concerning blacks and the Priesthood. Having questions about the civil unrest that had been happening for years, Spencer W Kimbell went to the Lord in prayer and asked about the blacks not being able to hold the priesthood. He received an answer to his prayer - a revelation that said that this policy, whether official or not, was to be changed. 

And it was. Who is to say that this current policy is or isn't a policy that could be changed.  I don't believe that there is any harm in asking.

I myself would like us Mormons to be more welcoming of everyone.

What can't be changed and why not? 

As far as I see, the law of chastity is not going to change. It is core doctrine to the Church of Jesus Christ.  All members are expected to not have sex outside the marriage bonds. Currently, no orthodox religion allows for same-sex marriage. I could be wrong on this, so if you know something please comment.  

This could present a simple solution. All Mormons would have to do is change their definition of marriage to allow for same-sex marriage in the temple. It currently has no say in civil marriage, so that is not the issue. The nation has done it. Other countries have done it. So why not the Mormon Church?

Let me tell you why. Like the law of chastity, which is doctrine and not policy, the definition of marriage is doctrine and not policy. It, to my understanding, will not change. In order for it to change there would need to be word handed out from the Savior himself. 

The Church of Jesus Christ believes that the authority of Jesus Christ is premier. It is the reason for the church being restored. His authority is needed to change any of his doctrines. Blacks being allowed priesthood, clarification of the church's name, church facilities and use of tithing funds, cutting church times down to two hours from three, (down from five-ish when I was younger) - these are all policy issues. 

I believe that the Savior is at the core of the Church. I also believe that we church members have issues encouraging tolerance and love for all. Mormons will have to change either the law of chastity or the Mormon definition of celestial marriage - meaning temple marriage. And this will require an about-face in doctrine which, we believe, is the Saviors call to make being as this is his church organization. 

Doctrine is not ours to change.

I write under the name Cal Thompson.  I am an orthodox member of the Church who is gay and sealed to my wife in an LDS temple. I hold an LDS temple recommend and do so honestly. I state this so that you understand my POV.

The Big Gay Mormon Book Chapter Four

This is chapter four of the book I wrote with a friend. She is the mother of several children, one of them gay.  We are both practicing LDS. I am a gay man who is married to a woman and is trying to follow the the commandments as set out by Jesus Christ and his prophets.  Chapter Four:

Answerable and unanswerable questions 

or A few facts & figures from those who don’t understand facts & figures

If rewards of joy and peace of mind were instantaneously given to the doer of good, all would do well. I would.  

If every time I paid my tithing I heard a “ka-ching!”  sound and I saw my points being calculated on the celestial scoreboard, I would write a few more checks. This, however, would not test my strength, nor develop my character, nor grow my powers and abilities.

 

Julie:  OK Cal, why did you lead with that thought?

Cal:  Because a lot of us think there is going to be some huge reward for choosing to obey. Those in my position who are trying to follow all fathers’ commandments sometimes look around the corner for Ed McMahon and a giant spiritual check. It doesn’t work like that.

Just thought I’d get that over with.

Julie: I am going on with the chapter. I mentioned this question to you before, but I’d like to go back to it because I think it’s important. I’d like to know why some people develop same gender attraction while others develop opposite gender attraction. Knowing the why will give me power to figure out what I should be doing as a parent and how to do it.

 

Calvin:  Let’s look at that directly and divide it into two parts – the temporal and the not so temporal.

The spiritual “Why” (And the answer to a universal question)

We do not know answers to many difficult questions, such as why some are affected and some aren’t, why I was blessed with this and someone else blessed with that.  However, I know for certainty that God loves His children. With that knowledge I can turn the “why” into a “what” as in “what experience is there to be gained” or “what can I learn?”

I also take solace in the understanding that someday I will have the answer.

“Yea, verily I say unto you, in that day when the Lord shall come, he shall reveal all things—“Things which have passed, and hidden things which no man knew, things of the earth, by which it was made, and the purpose and the end thereof.”

In the general question “why” I hear strains of the same question I asked myself for years. What I yearned to know was: “Is this my fault? Was there something I should have done or something I should have not done?”

Often we think trials are handed out to us because of something we have done wrong, or, by the same token, that challenges are given to others because of something they have done wrong – which boggles the mind because we clearly teach that adversity is part of the Plan of Salvation. From adversity we grow and progress - if we so choose.

There are trials that come to us as a result of our disobedience, as a consequence of an action taken (or not taken). Prepare yourself now for the discovery that homosexuality is not a result of past sin.

There are other trials that come to us to teach us and to enlighten us in the process of overcoming. The Savior suffered and made an atonement not only for the things we do that are sinful but also for the things which happen to us - things over which we have no control. Things over which we never had control. I believe that homosexuality falls into this category. If I didn’t choose it in this life, if it is not because of some mistake I made by action or inaction, then it may have happened to me.

I feel the need to make this point again: Some people do not consider that homosexual feelings are something to overcome. Support those who feel this way, love them and make them part of your life. Their life experience is not your call.

There are mortal circumstances, experiences, misfortunes that transpire -- things that are unwanted, painful, and even evil.  In the Book of Mormon Alma and Amulek, were forced to witness the burning of women and righteousness children. They were taunted, spat upon, and ridiculed.

“And it came to pass that they took Alma and Amulek, and carried them forth to the place of martyrdom, that they might witness the destruction of those who were consumed by fire.” 

However, they had been promised that…

“And he (the Savior) shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

What had happened to Amulek and Alma the younger was not of their doing, nor was it the doing of the women and children that were sacrificed. Regardless of its origin, it was reprehensible. It was traumatic, painful, and horrific. The horrors perpetuated toward them left emotional and literal scars. Why was that allowed to happen?

While we do not know all the answers, we do know important principles that allow us to face tragedies with faith and confidence that there is a bright future planned for each of us.  -- Quinton L Cook   https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/the-songs-they-could-not-sing?lang=eng

The atonement of our Lord Jesus Christ was able to heal Amulek and Alma the younger. Jesus had taken upon him the pain that they had experienced. They were able to withstand the experience because Jesus interceded.  They retained the wisdom and knowledge, and their pain was healed

We, too, can rely on the Atonement to help us through experiences that have done us harm as well.

So, am I to blame?

Calvin: Concerning my own pain; I began my healing process wanting the Lord to tell me what I had done wrong. I thought I was being punished and I wanted to know why. I was sure that, somehow, this gay thing was my fault.

With this in mind, before we try to resolve the spiritual “why am “ or “why is he/she gay”, let’s get this huge mongo-question out of the way so that we all can think clearly.

I believe that to some degree, all of us chose to open our arms wide and embrace these challenges, trials and obstacles and accept the heartbreak and joy that comes with them. I suppose there is something that we could have done to prevent them from happening. We could have voted not to have any agency. Now that we are in the midst of challenges, we could choose to live our lives in a hole and avoid relationships with other human beings.

But we do not.

That, however, is where the guilt and subsequent remorse can responsibly end. And the only one that can confirm this in a way you can understand is the Spirit of the Lord.

Homework implied.

The Temporal “Why”, & Other stuff we don’t know for certian

The other answers to SGA questions aren’t as clear cut. Everyone wants to get to the bottom of it, but at the bottom there is only a note that says “Sorry - don’t know.”  There seems to be no intellectual light at the end of this tunnel.

 

At this printing, there are no irrefutable explanations about why some people are gay. It’s undeniably clear that we do not understand the cause of homosexuality. No one knows. Yet, everyone wants or needs to assign either the credit or the blame.

Current arguments on the origin of SGA feelings are generally based on two ideas -- whether homosexuality results from a person's surroundings and environment (nurture), or rather as a by-product of one’s biology and genetics (nature). The debate hotly continues because both sides have diligently supported their cause. If you’re in the middle you had better duck.

The following is only for those who have been frozen for the last 20 years or so and need a primer:

Argument one: Nature

Nature enthusiasts believe that some humans are born with a gene, chemical or other physical characteristic unique to those who are attracted to their same gender.

After years of speculation and hypotheses, something akin to evidence was presented in support of this claim in 1991 by a British-American known for his research into brain, its structures and functions and sexual orientation. This neuroscientist, Simon LeVay, reported in a published study of his research on the human brain that there appeared to be a size differentiation in the anterior hypothalamus (a certain neuron group) between straight and gay men. He reported that the INAH3 nuclei of the anterior hypothalamus was on average three times smaller in homosexual men than in heterosexual men. He based his study on post-mortem examinations of the brains of self-declared homosexual men.

When Mr. LeVay’s research was initially reported he was clear to emphasize;

"It's important to stress what I didn't find. I did not prove that homosexuality is genetic or find a genetic cause for being gay. I didn't show that gay men are 'born that way'- the most common mistake people make in interpreting my work. Nor did I locate a gay center in the brain.”

“INAH3 is less likely to be the sole gay nucleus of the brain than part of a chain of nuclei engaged in men and women's sexual behavior. My work is just a hint in that direction--a spur, I hope, to future work."

Some criticized Mr. LeVay’s findings and labeled them incomplete saying that his work was based on too few subjects with inadequate histories. Some outspoken woman suggested that cutting up dead men’s heads regardless of sexual orientation was just plain gross. (That was Julie and I tend to agree with her.)

A later paper that was published in Science in 1993 by Dr. Dean Hamer, an American geneticist, showed that there was at least one subtype of male sexual orientation that appeared to be genetically influenced - as indicated by the linkage of DNA markers ( Xq28 segment on the X chromosome) among gay males. Dr. Hamer was also responsible for the postulation of the existence of a God gene for religious experiences.  He believed that genetic studies have proved that homosexuality is not a choice. “People can’t change their genes.” He said.

       

For those of you that speak science as a second language - felicitates. For the rest of us, the basic gist is that these studies show a possible link between a certain segment of the X chromosome and homosexuality but do not prove any reason, cause or relationship.

However, the possibility of a “gay gene” has become the proverbial holy grail of homosexual research and the possibility of its existence has poured gas on the nature vs. nurture argument that was combustible to begin with.

Neuroendocrine studies support a biological point of view that sexual orientation could be determined by the early pre-natal levels of androgen(s) on relevant neural structures. In other words…

Julie: Yes Cal, please, please use other words.

Calvin:  If exposed to high levels of these androgens, the fetus will be attracted to females. The site studies suggest that male rats who received lower levels of androgen became submissive, in matters of sexual drive, to the other male rats.

Still, with all the interest, speculation and science, there is to this date no definitive answer to whether homosexuality is biological.

Jihan Ryu in The Quest for the Gay Gene  states:

“Although sexual orientation research has been strengthened by a study on maternal hormonal effects in utero and has refined theories about how homosexuality can be passed down through generations, it still has a long way to go to reach a satisfactory conclusion of any sort”.

Argument two: How you were reared.

Julie: As a mother of a gay son, the argument that how a child was reared affects their sexual orientation is a sensitive subject.

Social theorists who examine such things as play patterns, early peer relations, the interactions of children, the differences in parental behavior toward male and female children, and the role of gender constancy in the household, believe that these pre-adolescent elements are the largest contributing factors to homosexuality.

A study by Bogaert, Blanchard & Crosthwait done in 2007 found that having older brothers influenced sexual preference, and that with each older brother the chances of homosexuality increased by 33 percent. 

One could argue that these findings simply support a biological cause. Perhaps with each male fetus that is carried in the womb the chemical or hormone level in the mother’s body changes in such a way as to affect the sexual development of subsequent male pregnancies.

The point is that it’s easy to see trends but to explain why they happen or what causes them to occur is much more difficult. My son Sean’s is the oldest boy in our family, so scientifically it seems to be a tossup.

David Halperin (B-1952) a Freudian and Foucault enthusiast supported the idea that homosexuality is caused by a combination of a strong mother and a weaker father who paired and reared a son with unresolved Oedipus complex issues. This supposition, he clams, would lead to weakness in the son, weakness which would then lead to homosexuality. 

 

There are psychologists that disagree with this logic, thinking that the same scenario could be played out and could conceivable lead to a strong son who has been enabled to compensate for his father's weakness.

Calvin: And then there is the hair whorl. Science now shows that gay men have hair whorl patterns that flow to the left, while heterosexual’s whorling hair moves to the right.

Thumbprint density is considered to be another telling indicator of sexual orientation for men (increased density of ridges on the thumb and pinkie of the left hand).

 

I just looked for myself, and I had to borrow my daughters’ pink princess mirror to do it. My hair whorl is lefty-loosey. I’m not exactly sure what my thumb print is supposed to look like but I gotta tell you, it’s pretty impressive. I should also mention that my ring finger is slightly longer than my pointy finger, and I like musical theatre, classical music, and vocal jazz, but I can’t see how any of this matters unless you are a cosmetologist, manicurist or trying to get me to download your latest song..

Back to the drawing board

Calvin:  The nature vs. nurture argument and the studies that go with it are not so useful in understanding why SGA exists. Ultimately the answer may depend more on who you ask, their agenda, and on their worling hair than on any actual fact.

Julie:  Problematic parenting, biological blip, or hormonal happenstance? Maybe it’s just a choice. It sure would make it easier if one could choose a sexual preference like one chooses which sports team to follow, which shoes to wear, or which diet drink they want to be addicted to. If they choose it to begin with they could simply un-choose.

Calvin: …If they had chosen it to begin with. I don’t believe that any of these explanations really covers the question of why some people are same gender attracted and others aren’t. Traits can be developed as well as passed along genetically. Abilities can be enhanced, behaviors learned and there are way too many influencing factors to find a cause. If there is not a cause, is there a cure? For example…

Human Specimen “Adam” has nosebleeds, wounds that heal slowly, problems fighting infections, and severe joint pains.

In 1932 these were found to be symptoms of vitamin C deficiency - a lack of fresh fruit and vegetables in the diet. Therefore, Specimen “Adam” can be cured by being placed on a regimen of chewable gummy vitamin C, or fruit.

Problem solved.  Will same gender attraction ever be that cut and dried?

Human Specimen “Bob” is SGAttracted.  SGAttraction (homosexuality) is caused by an unknown factor or factors. (Will science figure out a specific cause?) Without a known cause, do we have a fix? And is a fix what “Bob” needs or wants?

 

Here is what we know now:

“…Sexual orientations, whether homosexual or heterosexual; gay, straight, lesbian, or bisexual, all are a cause of a complex interaction between environmental, cognitive, and anatomical factors, shaping the individual at an early age”. 

Control over “the natural man” is an important concept for us Mormons.  We believe that the unbridled or unchecked man does not realize his full potential; that striving for betterment is fundamental to a Christian life.

That the effect of homosexuality clearly touches all of us regardless of its actual cause, name, the science behind it, or the current political climate or popular opinion. The “why” is up in the air.

However, the “how” is manageable for all of us.

I am gay. How do I live like others?  How do I feel fulfilled? How do I express love? How can I be like everybody else?

The unexplainable nature of homosexuality, our inability to nail down an explanation or a reason behind it and, frankly its place in the LDS church (not the Gospel, mind you, but the Church) is the utmost example of the literary curse and a blessing.  Both its effect and affect is deeply personal and cannot be generalized or marginalized.

I cannot tell you how to live, love or how to have a life with any limitation or obstacle -- again assuming that you consider homosexuality as such. If you consider that your life is better for your individualized sexuality, (and why wouldn’t you) I can’t tell you how to reconcile that part of yourself with the LDS church.  It is not back and white for those who are gay.

Because the origins are so indefinable to us, the eventual possibilities seem to be huge.

The question is; for you, does the blessing of homosexuality outweigh any perceived curse?

Speaking for myself, it does.

Major Tangent at the end of this chapter:

Deep down inside, what do you really think and how do you really feel about homosexuality? Are you ashamed of it, or embarrassed by it?   

What images explain SGA for you? What is the first thing that comes to mind when SGA in its many forms and explanations is mentioned at school or in Church or at work?  Is homosexuality for you a pride parade in Technicolor on the local news? Is it a tasteless joke or a careless remark? Is it the funny uncle that doesn’t come around anymore – the one people make fun of?  

“Does it really matter what I think?” You say while mowing the lawn or stirring a pot on the stove - all while reading.

The good ol’ days of winking and nodding and claiming that homosexuality doesn’t affect us because we don’t know anyone like that were over years ago and frankly they weren’t all that good while they lasted. Not for me.

Julie: But Cal, I miss the good old days. I don’t like having to deal with all these issues I didn’t ask for and never wanted in my life. I wish Sean was still collecting baseball cards and complaining about chores. Every time that he starts dating someone “seriously” I start to freak out. I’m probably afraid that one of these days it’s going to be something permanent and I’m going to be forced to deal with it, and required to deal gracefully. I sometimes think how wrong it all is -how it goes against my nature. Then I start feeling guilty because here I’m am writing this book because I’m all “understanding and cool”, but sometimes I don’t feel all “understanding and cool”.

It’s not the homosexuality itself (and I’m sympathetic and supportive with the feelings) but the actions and the lifestyle as I have seen it are just not what I want for Sean. Then I feel guilty again because I’m probably screwing him up even more by what he must see as my evident disappointment and lack of acceptance.

Since I am venting…

My daughter went to a dance last Friday night. So we were talking and I was saying how proud I was that she was dancing with boys.  Sean pipes up and says he goes dancing every weekend and dances with boys and I don’t compliment him on it. And I thought “but I’m not proud of that”.

You just asked if the readers can handle homosexuality. And reading along, I realized that sometimes I can’t. So tell me I am either destined to burn, which I feel sometimes, or that it’s a process because there is a difference in being mean to people because they are homosexual, and being angry or resentful because it is messing with my own life and the people I love.

Calvin:  Let’s refocus. How do you feel about Sean?  He is gay and that doesn’t fit with your belief systems. How would you feel about him if, instead of being gay, he did something else that was contrary to your personal or religious beliefs? What if he went dancing at the club every Saturday night with girls and was sexually active with them? Knowing you, Julie, you would not be happy about that, and yet you wouldn’t be asking me how to deal with it.

You would complement him on being outgoing, or on his talent in getting to know people. You might put some music on and dance a bit in the kitchen. And you would not hesitate to tell him that sex outside of marriage was not what he should be looking for and you would tell him why. That doesn’t seem foren to you because you do that all the time.

My kids are straight as trees, and there are days that I want to knock some sense into them. Parents are going to have issues with how their children live.

Thomas S Monson said

“Never let a problem to be solved become more important that a person to be loved.”

Julie, you are a good parent and a fair parent. You love your children and want to give them the best head start you can.

Maybe while you are trying to help Sean the others in your family will watch you being kind, nonjudgmental and respectful to people with differences. Who knows but that this may be the catalyst that propels your family forward to do great things?

You have opened up a dialogue with love and understanding so that those who may have wandered from the safety of the fold know that they still have a place. Maybe they will move a little closer to us as we show them our love and they can still dance with us in the kitchen. 

End of tangent.

The gay Mormon man and the Bishop's interview

The LDS Bishop’s interview experience is getting a lot of press lately. I would be a little freaked out by it as well as it is explained by those who have not been through the process. It is not going into a locked room with an older man and talking about sex. Let me speak of my experience.

This isn't me, by the way.
Goes to show that there is usually a desk between the two.

I went through that interview every two years from the age of 12 on, and again when I went on a mission x two: Bishop and Stake President. On top of that, I was interviewed several times – once with my parents present when I was baptized at the age of eight. As a family we had yearly interviews with the bishop. And I have had an interview every two years since my mission to get/maintain a temple recommend.

The interview in question is to establish worthiness to enter the temple or to be advanced in priesthood authority and responsibility. My understanding is that the same questions are asked girls as they are advancing through various young women organizations. There isn’t a separate interview for girls or boys. It is the same interview.

Yes, there are questions about whether or not one is morally clean and yes, they were a little embarrassing for me to answer. I was never unduly uncomfortable in the interview with one exception: The very mention of the word masturbation made me want to pass out. This was the late seventies and I was not hip.

On my LDS mission I was assigned the task to interview potential members of the church for baptism. I realized that I was uncomfortable with those words as a leader as well.   
.

I was raised a Mormon. Worthiness interviews are part of the culture and still are.  As a husband and a father I have been asked by a family member to accompany them to such interviews. Of course I said yes, and I went with them to their scheduled appointment. Sometimes I got a funny look from the leader doing the interview. Most times there was not a bump. And this was years ago before any of this #metoo came to light.

Anyone can be accompanied by an adult or a family member if they so wish. And they have always had the ability to have someone accompany them.  It just hasn’t been part of the culture. But culture can change and is already changing. And yes, leaders can always be more sensitive to feelings of he/she being interviewed.

However, the law of chastity is clear and must be followed before anyone can attend the temple or advance in the priesthood. The questions won't change for content, though they might go through a revision of sorts for clarity. There are questions that need to be asked. "Are you morally clean?" is one.

I hear from some that the interview can be problematic. I get that. I hear that there has been abuse by some bishops. My experience in the church is that these are one-off scenarios.  They are not the norm. And in a culture that is becoming hyper-aware of potential for abuse, they will be fewer and fewer.  And that is as it should be. Should this conversation be happening?  Yes.

Here is the rub: You may or may not agree that this is a question that Mormon leaders have a right to ask. I think they do. You may feel that someone being interviewed has the right to refuse to answer. I agree.  However, someone who is not morally clean can’t get a temple recommend, and the structure is clear.

The book! Preview the Introduction

I finally wrote the book: The Big Gay Mormon Book. 

Be forewarned that it's not the Big Gay Ex-Mormon book. It's for those who are gay and Mormon; Full-fledged and true blue. I am going to post each chapter on this blog starting with the intro. I am happy for comments either at the end of each post or sent to my Gmail account calvinthompson.cal@gmail.com. 

Here goes...

They That Be With Us

Acknowledging the connection between Gay and Mormon

 By Calvin Thompson and Julie Martin

By way of introduction

No righteous person will be denied any blessings which come from God. We have no control over the heartbeats or the affections of men [or women], but pray that you may find fulfillment. And in the meantime, we promise you that insofar as eternity is concerned, no soul will be deprived of rich and high and eternal blessings for anything which that person could not help, that the Lord never fails in his promises, and that every righteous person will receive eventually all to which the person is entitled and which he or she has not forfeited through any fault of his or her own.  - Spencer W. Kimball

Calvin: First on the list of qualifications to write this book, were I hiring someone, is that the author would have to be a Mormon -- a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He couldn’t be someone who doubted, who was half in or half out, who was fine with doctrine as it currently stands, but could see the day when “things from Salt Lake get a little out of control”.

   

A returned missionary would be nice -- one who knows his way around a road-show, a stake conference, and who has been battered around in church ball. Being born in the church would be a plus, or the budding author could make up for it by being a quick study.

He must believe in the divinity of Jesus Christ and in the restoration of the gospel. He should have gone to BYU on a musical theater scholarship as well. Knowing the cultural vernacular would be crucial to help him connect with his readers, and a love for the priesthood is not optional. He should be able to keep his sense of humor in check and his tongue occasionally in cheek.

And he would need to be gay.

I have waited years for someone to write that book -- one that sheds light on my situation. Surely, I thought, someone owning a pen or a printer has shared my same state of affairs and could put in writing their wisdom so I wouldn’t have to reinvent the proverbial wheel.

I would have worn a clever disguise into the bookstore and purchased that book. Then I would have ripped off its cover and duct taped it into my Especially for Mormons anthology and hidden it behind the oak paneling in my room. I would not have taken the chance that anyone could have seen me carry such a book around or found it in my possession and pegged me an issue man. I would have been mortified.

Issue man -- that’s what I call those like me. I gave the status that label so that I wouldn’t have to say the word “gay” even in my head.  We issue men were rarely spoken of as I was growing up and when we were we were considered a fringe element.  When I did hear the word “gay” it was associated with “perverted”, “distorted”, or “defective”.  And the word “excommunication” was never far behind.

 

So I became silent on the issue of issue men. I bottled up whatever it was that I was, and sat in on a low shelf -- not the high one where my dreams were all laid out -- my dreams of a mission call, a wife and family, and a “happily ever after”. 

When it blew up there was no time for setting issues on shelves or hiding them in closets. There were no shelves or closets left.  Slowly I had to deal with facts.  As I slowly came out it was just as shocking for my “issue” friends to discover that I had a testimony of the gospel as it was for my church friends to discover that I had this issue. The big gay issue.

  

While I waited for someone to write the book I quite unintentionally became a subject-matter expert.  I became the poster child for gay married Mormons. If I were a bit nicer looking I might have considered putting my face on the book cover. But that is not necessary.  You have someone in your life already who could be on the cover. Picture them.

Today I hold a temple recommend and I try to be worthy every day to actively use the Lord’s priesthood. I want the blessings my Father in Heaven intended for me and every other man and woman to have. When I read the scriptures or listen to conference and hear the promises made to those who follow the commandments, I count myself in.  I am the kind of person that hopes that the prodigal son can return.

So I will write of the atonement or at least my personal knowledge of it; I could jump on that trampoline all day.  And, I will write of a few of the challenges I have faced as a gay Mormon man using the words I have.

 

The pitfalls in putting this to paper are many.  I am a little nervous.

Introducing Julie Martin

If you met me at Church I probably wouldn’t stand out as any one unusual. Like most of you I struggle with my weight, worry about my children, love and support my husband and try to get my visiting teaching done before the last week of the month. I don’t always get two prayers in a day, but I try really hard to at least open my scriptures before I start cleaning up the breakfast dishes. And, I have a son who is homosexual.

For years before Sean officially came out, there were lots of signs that should have alerted his father and I to the fact that something was up, but we didn’t want to see them or even think of it as a possibility. And when at last we were confronted with the undeniable truth, my world fell apart, crashing around me like a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle that had suddenly been turned on its side.

I love my son with all my heart, and yet I did everything in my power to rescue him from this homosexual thing. I argued with him, bribed him, threatened, teased, mocked and harassed. I justified these behaviors because I felt I was trying to save his life and protect our eternal relationship as a forever family. In the process I nearly destroyed my relationship with him. Eventually I had to accept the fact that there was nothing I could do to change Sean or make it all better.

I carry this secret inside of my heart, and I mourn the loss of my dreams and desires for him. I try hard to understand the choices he is making in his life, and have learned great lessons in patience and hope. But mostly, I just love my son, and I hope that however this story plays out tomorrow and for the eternities, this will be enough.

There are a lot of mothers and fathers just like me - I am finding out - trying to faithfully raise their families in righteousness while struggling with a child who’s dealing with feelings that I don’t understand.  Parents who have children who are homosexual, can feel particularly isolated. There’s a perceived dark shadow associated that is difficult to see through, and a sense of secrecy that forces us to keep our child’s problems safe from the judgment and censure of those around us. 

“Sure Sean, you can bring one of your friends to the ward pool party, but please choose one who looks more… well, one who doesn’t wear a tight tank top… okay, and wear your boring shoes. Oh, my.”

My objective in writing this book is to share the things I’ve learned over this journey, and outline a few things I still don’t get. Perhaps I can save other parents some of the needless heartache I’ve suffered through, and maybe share comfort with those who are hurting.

And now, together

According to the information we have been privy to, and based on our own personal experience, there seems to be many more in the LDS Church who are dealing with homosexuality in some respect than had been previously realized.

 

In 2010, LDS Family Services estimated that there are four or five members in every ward of the Church dealing with what they called “…same-sex attraction problems”. Usually half of those individuals are married (most are temple marriages) and have children.  From experience, Julie and I feel that these are conservative estimates.  Individuals dealing with same gender attraction in the LDS church when interviewed tend to be less vocal than their counterparts outside of the church. And these numbers do not deal with those affected by someone SGAttracted, such as a friend or relative.

Calvin: This is a good time to make it plain that both Julie and I write under pseudonyms. Personally, I am happy to be both “out” and “in”; “out” as a Mormon man who is same gender attracted, and “in” the Mormon Church with all my heart. However, we both have families who aren’t all that comfortable putting their lives on display for public examination where they would be susceptible to the whims and whines of the world.  Our family’s safety, comfort, and well-being is worth more to us than any credit/blame or personal recognition positive or negative.

 

Our families come first.

We don’t know why some individuals have a propensity toward same gender attraction -- read; are gay.  We do know that like any other challenge, Heavenly Father is willing to support and help His children as they seek to overcome or work through anything in life considered an obstacle. We make a point of this because there are those who consider homosexuality an obstacle in some way and it is to them that we write.

Regardless of your current vantage, we hope that your outlook will widen and your understanding will be increased – that you will discover something you didn’t know before reading this book, and that something will be good. There may be no amazing or startling new concepts, quick fixes or cures contained in these pages. But we can promise a lot of ideas, ways to cope and an interesting relevant story or two.

You wouldn’t be wrong in feeling that we are all in this together. 

Next is the Preface