They that be with us - Chapter Nine

This is chapter nine from my big gay Mormon book. It's called                  

They That Be With Us - Finding the Connection Between Being Gay and    Being Mormon.    

Coping With Limited Options; Sleeves or No Sleeves

              

Julie: The young women of the church have been a bit of a quandary as I see it. This chapter is not about the young women, so keep reading. 

Several in my ward are fashion conscious and often lament the lack of dresses they can wear for prom. In a nutshell – they have to have sleeves and there aren’t sleeves out there except in maternity or for maturity. They have been thorough in their investigation, searching everywhere online and off to find a cache of modest stylish dresses they can draw from for formal and not so formal activities. However, as of this writing, the fickle finger of fashion is not pointing to modesty and it doesn’t look promising for the future.

Their young women leader finally said in exasperation, it looks like the only thing we can do about it is to be happy with sleeves and dresses that aren’t as pretty, or to change what we think is pretty. The idea went over as well as pork and beans at Passover. And yet, that is what it has come down to for many of us who wish to follow the prophet’s guidelines for modesty. The world may think it’s pretty. The girls may think it’s pretty. But they will wear something else. 

It doesn’t seem like much of a choice.

Those dealing with SGA are faced with the same apparent lack of choice; be morally clean, or not.

There is Always a Choice

Calvin: Our choices, more than any other single thing allow us to see who we really are.  The process of choosing gives shape and meaning to our existence.  Even “not making a choice” is choosing one over the other, and is an indicator of us to the core. 

To underscore this, here is a story taken right from the pages of my…I mean, this story is strictly hypothetical, and is an example of the fact that often, how we choose to do anything is usually how we choose to do everything:

Some Guy’s Tale

One day while minding his own business Some Guy got in a traffic accident with Brother Benign. Mr. Guy rages at everyone involved and a few who were not.  Fortunately, his son had borrowed all the tire changing equipment so there was no tire iron to brandish, and his license was at home in his wallet so he couldn’t give everyone a paper cut.  While several people did their best to help, Mr. Some Guy, acted like he was on a weekend pass from the state hospital and the cops hauled him in.  This did not improve Mr. Guy’s frame of mind.  He is now at war not only with poor Brother Benign, but cops, lawyers, the jail cafeteria, a judge and a dainty reporter from the Happy Valley Press named Roberta who looked at him funny.  Following his accident, arrest incarceration, plea bargain and a stint in anger management classes, Mr. S. Guy raged from one street performance to the next as the star and common denominator in every altercation - never seeing that he himself was the problem.  His attitude never changed, nor did his way of thinking.  He continued as he always had been and got what he has always gotten.

Brother Benign deals with the dent in his car by jogging for a half an hour after he gets home from work and by telling his wife – who looks on the bright side and jokes with him.  He then takes out his frustration by downloading from the internet a simplistic car body repair guide and spends a few weekends fixing his car. It doesn’t end up looking perfect, but good enough. Brother Benign lives to a ripe old age where he dies from too much fresh air and pineapple on a Jamaican cruise, and not from a stroke at age forty-two like some nameless others.

The same problem was had by both. One chose to react in such a way that he was miserable and defeated. The other made choices that led to other positive choices.

“Waiter, I Would Like A Different Menu, Please.”

Many would say that chastity is an absolute waste of time, that sex is part of us and we should both celebrate and enjoy it.

They’re right, at least partially right; sex is a part of us, and “we are that we may have joy”. It’s the timing that can be critical.  We will explain by chapters end.

A short time back I remember a man in the news who had to cut off his own arm in order to survive. They’ve even made a movie about it.

When I first heard about the event and I was absolutely in awe and wonder that this man survived in such a matter.  He cut part of himself off in order that the rest of him could survive.  What a horrible choice to have to make, and how brave foresighted. 

I sit here in my air-conditioned office with a juice glass at my side and I try to imagine myself in the same situation. I don't think it would have crossed my mind to cut off my arm. What was he thinking?

Well, I suppose he was thinking about having a family someday, and about lightly battered shrimp, or a Manhattan Transfer concert, or a walk on the beach or any of the other things of which he would never again have the pleasure of doing if he were dead of starvation, hanging from a bolder in southern Utah. You gotta hand it to the guy.  Cutting off his arm meant that he then had freedom.  Ironic.

When the Answer is “No”

Can I stay out late?  Can I have gay or straight sex outside of marriage?  Can I take the new car to Northern Wisconsin for the tulip festival?

No, no, and, what on earth?

We have the ability and the right to choose, a right we all fought for. We have our agency, but our ability to make a choice does not guarantee that the choice is what’s best for us, or that we somehow can avoid the consequences of a poor choice.

Calvin: When I am not in the mood for a “no” answer and I think one is coming, I sometimes try to avoid it by not asking the question.  I’m smart like that.  I can also ignore a no and discredit the authority, or I can pretend that there is no authority in the first place. I can believe that what I want is better, smarter, and more important than what He wants, that He must not love me because He said no, or equate easy with what is right.

All of these help me deal with a “no” answer I didn’t want to hear in the first place.

Regardless of my antics to get my way, “no” is still “no”, and I don’t know why the answer won’t change. Part of it may be simple obedience – will I do what He asks when I really want to do something else.  There may be basic rules or laws at the creation that must be abided by.  I just don’t know.

I believe and trust in my Father and those who speak for Him on earth. Even if the politicians and lawyers and neighborhood-watch programs allow, Father doesn't.  This is why we were clear with our belief, faith, and trust in God right at the beginning of this book.

I can't, in my right mind and with an ego larger than some eastern states, believe that what I want, or that the knowledge I have supersedes that of my Father in Heaven.

May I put you on hold, please?

There is part of myself I choose to put on hold and don’t focus on in order to live in a manner that I think is right. I believe the prophet when he states that there is no homosexuality in the afterlife nor was there in the life before we came to earth. There’s a part of me that’s not complete here, and may never be in this life. If I focus only on the things I can’t do I’m in trouble, but if I center my thoughts on the things I can do and do well then things are much more positive.

Like Mr. Ralston (of Pick Which Hand fame), the options presented to us may not seem all that great at the time, but it’s important to remember that we always have a choice. When I’m feeling frustrated, discourage or with limited options, I concentrate the following thoughts.

Cal Thompsons’ Power to the People List

I remember the ability I have to change what I think and what I do.  I try to be ready to switch-out something positive for whatever negative element I am trying to eliminate.

I remember that some cycles are bound to happen – sometimes I am up and sometimes not so up.  I try not to give up or punish myself over perceived failure. And I am very okay with periodic rewards for good behavior.

I choose to be happy. When there seems little else, I remember that this option is always available.

I try to not compare myself to anyone else. One can always find someone more spiritually, mentally or physically buff.  I don’t sweat it. Guys, do you want to see a real man?  Look in the mirror.  Same to you ladies only get your own mirror.

I remember that there is work involved and that things are not going to get better on their own. I try to make use of the resources available, and I stop trying to reinvent the wheel.

I identify problem areas so that when I see a clear sign of upcoming trouble, I can take action.  I don’t wait around for the problem-fairy to fix it, because I am the problem fairy.

I keep at it. The spiritual terminology is to endure, but that sounds resigned to me.  I prefer “Keep at it”. 

Adversity is the source of our deepest growth and greatest 

blessings; embrace it, dare to seek it.  - Aron Ralston

Realistically, How Much Choice Do I Have In My Choice?

Calvin: If I’d been allowed to shop for my challenges before coming to earth, I’d have probably picked things like learning humility despite being heart-breakingly handsome or the challenge of overcoming greed by learning to share my vast wealth and power.

Those things may have to wait. I got stuck with things like learning faith in adversity, compassion under fire, and this ever present SGA. I can’t return these challenges like a shirt that doesn’t quite fit or pants that I have decided make me look fat. And I can’t trade them for someone else’s troubles (not that I’d want to.)

But I still have a choice in the matter. I can mope and pout or I can thrive. I can take my challenges by the horns and wrestle them into submission and let the lessons they teach work their magic on me, or I can let the bull run me over and leave me for road kill.

When I think I have no choice, I remember that the Lord loves me. He loves you, too. (Do you doubt it?  Ask him.) Remember that with His help, you are more powerful than you think. 

We End This Story by Embarrassing My Daughter.

Calvin: At this point in the book I think I should tell you that my daughter belches - like a truck driver she belches. I’m amazed by the decibel range, clarity and sheer volume of her digressions. Though she is in her teens she often finds herself, after such an expression, sitting in time-out on the stairs. She told me the other day that if God had wanted her to be polite He would not have given her the wherewith to burp like a sailor.

I gotta give it to her, the excuse was skillfully done, and yet she sits on time-out like all the rest of her siblings when they choose not to follow family structures. Belching has its time and place: like an all-nighter, a camp-out, a football games, or if you are actually a sailor.  She has a choice to belch or not to belch. Her body may create the opportunity, as bodies are want to do, but the choice to belch comes from her. And though she can choose to belch, she does not get to choose the consequences.

We all have decisions to make. Thank heaven that we all have options and agency aplenty.  There is always a choice, and when we don’t like what we see when we look down the road, we can make another choice. 

(And if she makes the wrong choice one more time I am going to rent her out to the Bonneville Bullfrogs as a team mascot.)

Julie: No, no. You can't end there.  Bottom-line this for me for all those who need a quote to go on their facebook page. You always get close to the point and then back off. I need you to come right out and be blunt.

Calvin:  OK, here goes. I believe that there are rules. I believe that these rules are for our good set for us by a supreme being that loves us and wants us to progress. This supreme being does not view happiness by our puny human standards. 

If being morally clean is what He requires of us in order for Him to give us all that He has - which He has promised by the way -  then that is the choice I will make. Living in such a way will not make me miserable. In fact, if I follow his commandments I will be blessed in ways I can't fathom. 

We have a purpose in this life. There is something bigger and better for us than anything we currently know.

And following His commandments today in part for recompense later does not mean life needs to suck for us now. 

Was that blunt enough?

The Big Gay Mormon Book Chapter Four

This is chapter four of the book I wrote with a friend. She is the mother of several children, one of them gay.  We are both practicing LDS. I am a gay man who is married to a woman and is trying to follow the the commandments as set out by Jesus Christ and his prophets.  Chapter Four:

Answerable and unanswerable questions 

or A few facts & figures from those who don’t understand facts & figures

If rewards of joy and peace of mind were instantaneously given to the doer of good, all would do well. I would.  

If every time I paid my tithing I heard a “ka-ching!”  sound and I saw my points being calculated on the celestial scoreboard, I would write a few more checks. This, however, would not test my strength, nor develop my character, nor grow my powers and abilities.

 

Julie:  OK Cal, why did you lead with that thought?

Cal:  Because a lot of us think there is going to be some huge reward for choosing to obey. Those in my position who are trying to follow all fathers’ commandments sometimes look around the corner for Ed McMahon and a giant spiritual check. It doesn’t work like that.

Just thought I’d get that over with.

Julie: I am going on with the chapter. I mentioned this question to you before, but I’d like to go back to it because I think it’s important. I’d like to know why some people develop same gender attraction while others develop opposite gender attraction. Knowing the why will give me power to figure out what I should be doing as a parent and how to do it.

 

Calvin:  Let’s look at that directly and divide it into two parts – the temporal and the not so temporal.

The spiritual “Why” (And the answer to a universal question)

We do not know answers to many difficult questions, such as why some are affected and some aren’t, why I was blessed with this and someone else blessed with that.  However, I know for certainty that God loves His children. With that knowledge I can turn the “why” into a “what” as in “what experience is there to be gained” or “what can I learn?”

I also take solace in the understanding that someday I will have the answer.

“Yea, verily I say unto you, in that day when the Lord shall come, he shall reveal all things—“Things which have passed, and hidden things which no man knew, things of the earth, by which it was made, and the purpose and the end thereof.”

In the general question “why” I hear strains of the same question I asked myself for years. What I yearned to know was: “Is this my fault? Was there something I should have done or something I should have not done?”

Often we think trials are handed out to us because of something we have done wrong, or, by the same token, that challenges are given to others because of something they have done wrong – which boggles the mind because we clearly teach that adversity is part of the Plan of Salvation. From adversity we grow and progress - if we so choose.

There are trials that come to us as a result of our disobedience, as a consequence of an action taken (or not taken). Prepare yourself now for the discovery that homosexuality is not a result of past sin.

There are other trials that come to us to teach us and to enlighten us in the process of overcoming. The Savior suffered and made an atonement not only for the things we do that are sinful but also for the things which happen to us - things over which we have no control. Things over which we never had control. I believe that homosexuality falls into this category. If I didn’t choose it in this life, if it is not because of some mistake I made by action or inaction, then it may have happened to me.

I feel the need to make this point again: Some people do not consider that homosexual feelings are something to overcome. Support those who feel this way, love them and make them part of your life. Their life experience is not your call.

There are mortal circumstances, experiences, misfortunes that transpire -- things that are unwanted, painful, and even evil.  In the Book of Mormon Alma and Amulek, were forced to witness the burning of women and righteousness children. They were taunted, spat upon, and ridiculed.

“And it came to pass that they took Alma and Amulek, and carried them forth to the place of martyrdom, that they might witness the destruction of those who were consumed by fire.” 

However, they had been promised that…

“And he (the Savior) shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

What had happened to Amulek and Alma the younger was not of their doing, nor was it the doing of the women and children that were sacrificed. Regardless of its origin, it was reprehensible. It was traumatic, painful, and horrific. The horrors perpetuated toward them left emotional and literal scars. Why was that allowed to happen?

While we do not know all the answers, we do know important principles that allow us to face tragedies with faith and confidence that there is a bright future planned for each of us.  -- Quinton L Cook   https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/the-songs-they-could-not-sing?lang=eng

The atonement of our Lord Jesus Christ was able to heal Amulek and Alma the younger. Jesus had taken upon him the pain that they had experienced. They were able to withstand the experience because Jesus interceded.  They retained the wisdom and knowledge, and their pain was healed

We, too, can rely on the Atonement to help us through experiences that have done us harm as well.

So, am I to blame?

Calvin: Concerning my own pain; I began my healing process wanting the Lord to tell me what I had done wrong. I thought I was being punished and I wanted to know why. I was sure that, somehow, this gay thing was my fault.

With this in mind, before we try to resolve the spiritual “why am “ or “why is he/she gay”, let’s get this huge mongo-question out of the way so that we all can think clearly.

I believe that to some degree, all of us chose to open our arms wide and embrace these challenges, trials and obstacles and accept the heartbreak and joy that comes with them. I suppose there is something that we could have done to prevent them from happening. We could have voted not to have any agency. Now that we are in the midst of challenges, we could choose to live our lives in a hole and avoid relationships with other human beings.

But we do not.

That, however, is where the guilt and subsequent remorse can responsibly end. And the only one that can confirm this in a way you can understand is the Spirit of the Lord.

Homework implied.

The Temporal “Why”, & Other stuff we don’t know for certian

The other answers to SGA questions aren’t as clear cut. Everyone wants to get to the bottom of it, but at the bottom there is only a note that says “Sorry - don’t know.”  There seems to be no intellectual light at the end of this tunnel.

 

At this printing, there are no irrefutable explanations about why some people are gay. It’s undeniably clear that we do not understand the cause of homosexuality. No one knows. Yet, everyone wants or needs to assign either the credit or the blame.

Current arguments on the origin of SGA feelings are generally based on two ideas -- whether homosexuality results from a person's surroundings and environment (nurture), or rather as a by-product of one’s biology and genetics (nature). The debate hotly continues because both sides have diligently supported their cause. If you’re in the middle you had better duck.

The following is only for those who have been frozen for the last 20 years or so and need a primer:

Argument one: Nature

Nature enthusiasts believe that some humans are born with a gene, chemical or other physical characteristic unique to those who are attracted to their same gender.

After years of speculation and hypotheses, something akin to evidence was presented in support of this claim in 1991 by a British-American known for his research into brain, its structures and functions and sexual orientation. This neuroscientist, Simon LeVay, reported in a published study of his research on the human brain that there appeared to be a size differentiation in the anterior hypothalamus (a certain neuron group) between straight and gay men. He reported that the INAH3 nuclei of the anterior hypothalamus was on average three times smaller in homosexual men than in heterosexual men. He based his study on post-mortem examinations of the brains of self-declared homosexual men.

When Mr. LeVay’s research was initially reported he was clear to emphasize;

"It's important to stress what I didn't find. I did not prove that homosexuality is genetic or find a genetic cause for being gay. I didn't show that gay men are 'born that way'- the most common mistake people make in interpreting my work. Nor did I locate a gay center in the brain.”

“INAH3 is less likely to be the sole gay nucleus of the brain than part of a chain of nuclei engaged in men and women's sexual behavior. My work is just a hint in that direction--a spur, I hope, to future work."

Some criticized Mr. LeVay’s findings and labeled them incomplete saying that his work was based on too few subjects with inadequate histories. Some outspoken woman suggested that cutting up dead men’s heads regardless of sexual orientation was just plain gross. (That was Julie and I tend to agree with her.)

A later paper that was published in Science in 1993 by Dr. Dean Hamer, an American geneticist, showed that there was at least one subtype of male sexual orientation that appeared to be genetically influenced - as indicated by the linkage of DNA markers ( Xq28 segment on the X chromosome) among gay males. Dr. Hamer was also responsible for the postulation of the existence of a God gene for religious experiences.  He believed that genetic studies have proved that homosexuality is not a choice. “People can’t change their genes.” He said.

       

For those of you that speak science as a second language - felicitates. For the rest of us, the basic gist is that these studies show a possible link between a certain segment of the X chromosome and homosexuality but do not prove any reason, cause or relationship.

However, the possibility of a “gay gene” has become the proverbial holy grail of homosexual research and the possibility of its existence has poured gas on the nature vs. nurture argument that was combustible to begin with.

Neuroendocrine studies support a biological point of view that sexual orientation could be determined by the early pre-natal levels of androgen(s) on relevant neural structures. In other words…

Julie: Yes Cal, please, please use other words.

Calvin:  If exposed to high levels of these androgens, the fetus will be attracted to females. The site studies suggest that male rats who received lower levels of androgen became submissive, in matters of sexual drive, to the other male rats.

Still, with all the interest, speculation and science, there is to this date no definitive answer to whether homosexuality is biological.

Jihan Ryu in The Quest for the Gay Gene  states:

“Although sexual orientation research has been strengthened by a study on maternal hormonal effects in utero and has refined theories about how homosexuality can be passed down through generations, it still has a long way to go to reach a satisfactory conclusion of any sort”.

Argument two: How you were reared.

Julie: As a mother of a gay son, the argument that how a child was reared affects their sexual orientation is a sensitive subject.

Social theorists who examine such things as play patterns, early peer relations, the interactions of children, the differences in parental behavior toward male and female children, and the role of gender constancy in the household, believe that these pre-adolescent elements are the largest contributing factors to homosexuality.

A study by Bogaert, Blanchard & Crosthwait done in 2007 found that having older brothers influenced sexual preference, and that with each older brother the chances of homosexuality increased by 33 percent. 

One could argue that these findings simply support a biological cause. Perhaps with each male fetus that is carried in the womb the chemical or hormone level in the mother’s body changes in such a way as to affect the sexual development of subsequent male pregnancies.

The point is that it’s easy to see trends but to explain why they happen or what causes them to occur is much more difficult. My son Sean’s is the oldest boy in our family, so scientifically it seems to be a tossup.

David Halperin (B-1952) a Freudian and Foucault enthusiast supported the idea that homosexuality is caused by a combination of a strong mother and a weaker father who paired and reared a son with unresolved Oedipus complex issues. This supposition, he clams, would lead to weakness in the son, weakness which would then lead to homosexuality. 

 

There are psychologists that disagree with this logic, thinking that the same scenario could be played out and could conceivable lead to a strong son who has been enabled to compensate for his father's weakness.

Calvin: And then there is the hair whorl. Science now shows that gay men have hair whorl patterns that flow to the left, while heterosexual’s whorling hair moves to the right.

Thumbprint density is considered to be another telling indicator of sexual orientation for men (increased density of ridges on the thumb and pinkie of the left hand).

 

I just looked for myself, and I had to borrow my daughters’ pink princess mirror to do it. My hair whorl is lefty-loosey. I’m not exactly sure what my thumb print is supposed to look like but I gotta tell you, it’s pretty impressive. I should also mention that my ring finger is slightly longer than my pointy finger, and I like musical theatre, classical music, and vocal jazz, but I can’t see how any of this matters unless you are a cosmetologist, manicurist or trying to get me to download your latest song..

Back to the drawing board

Calvin:  The nature vs. nurture argument and the studies that go with it are not so useful in understanding why SGA exists. Ultimately the answer may depend more on who you ask, their agenda, and on their worling hair than on any actual fact.

Julie:  Problematic parenting, biological blip, or hormonal happenstance? Maybe it’s just a choice. It sure would make it easier if one could choose a sexual preference like one chooses which sports team to follow, which shoes to wear, or which diet drink they want to be addicted to. If they choose it to begin with they could simply un-choose.

Calvin: …If they had chosen it to begin with. I don’t believe that any of these explanations really covers the question of why some people are same gender attracted and others aren’t. Traits can be developed as well as passed along genetically. Abilities can be enhanced, behaviors learned and there are way too many influencing factors to find a cause. If there is not a cause, is there a cure? For example…

Human Specimen “Adam” has nosebleeds, wounds that heal slowly, problems fighting infections, and severe joint pains.

In 1932 these were found to be symptoms of vitamin C deficiency - a lack of fresh fruit and vegetables in the diet. Therefore, Specimen “Adam” can be cured by being placed on a regimen of chewable gummy vitamin C, or fruit.

Problem solved.  Will same gender attraction ever be that cut and dried?

Human Specimen “Bob” is SGAttracted.  SGAttraction (homosexuality) is caused by an unknown factor or factors. (Will science figure out a specific cause?) Without a known cause, do we have a fix? And is a fix what “Bob” needs or wants?

 

Here is what we know now:

“…Sexual orientations, whether homosexual or heterosexual; gay, straight, lesbian, or bisexual, all are a cause of a complex interaction between environmental, cognitive, and anatomical factors, shaping the individual at an early age”. 

Control over “the natural man” is an important concept for us Mormons.  We believe that the unbridled or unchecked man does not realize his full potential; that striving for betterment is fundamental to a Christian life.

That the effect of homosexuality clearly touches all of us regardless of its actual cause, name, the science behind it, or the current political climate or popular opinion. The “why” is up in the air.

However, the “how” is manageable for all of us.

I am gay. How do I live like others?  How do I feel fulfilled? How do I express love? How can I be like everybody else?

The unexplainable nature of homosexuality, our inability to nail down an explanation or a reason behind it and, frankly its place in the LDS church (not the Gospel, mind you, but the Church) is the utmost example of the literary curse and a blessing.  Both its effect and affect is deeply personal and cannot be generalized or marginalized.

I cannot tell you how to live, love or how to have a life with any limitation or obstacle -- again assuming that you consider homosexuality as such. If you consider that your life is better for your individualized sexuality, (and why wouldn’t you) I can’t tell you how to reconcile that part of yourself with the LDS church.  It is not back and white for those who are gay.

Because the origins are so indefinable to us, the eventual possibilities seem to be huge.

The question is; for you, does the blessing of homosexuality outweigh any perceived curse?

Speaking for myself, it does.

Major Tangent at the end of this chapter:

Deep down inside, what do you really think and how do you really feel about homosexuality? Are you ashamed of it, or embarrassed by it?   

What images explain SGA for you? What is the first thing that comes to mind when SGA in its many forms and explanations is mentioned at school or in Church or at work?  Is homosexuality for you a pride parade in Technicolor on the local news? Is it a tasteless joke or a careless remark? Is it the funny uncle that doesn’t come around anymore – the one people make fun of?  

“Does it really matter what I think?” You say while mowing the lawn or stirring a pot on the stove - all while reading.

The good ol’ days of winking and nodding and claiming that homosexuality doesn’t affect us because we don’t know anyone like that were over years ago and frankly they weren’t all that good while they lasted. Not for me.

Julie: But Cal, I miss the good old days. I don’t like having to deal with all these issues I didn’t ask for and never wanted in my life. I wish Sean was still collecting baseball cards and complaining about chores. Every time that he starts dating someone “seriously” I start to freak out. I’m probably afraid that one of these days it’s going to be something permanent and I’m going to be forced to deal with it, and required to deal gracefully. I sometimes think how wrong it all is -how it goes against my nature. Then I start feeling guilty because here I’m am writing this book because I’m all “understanding and cool”, but sometimes I don’t feel all “understanding and cool”.

It’s not the homosexuality itself (and I’m sympathetic and supportive with the feelings) but the actions and the lifestyle as I have seen it are just not what I want for Sean. Then I feel guilty again because I’m probably screwing him up even more by what he must see as my evident disappointment and lack of acceptance.

Since I am venting…

My daughter went to a dance last Friday night. So we were talking and I was saying how proud I was that she was dancing with boys.  Sean pipes up and says he goes dancing every weekend and dances with boys and I don’t compliment him on it. And I thought “but I’m not proud of that”.

You just asked if the readers can handle homosexuality. And reading along, I realized that sometimes I can’t. So tell me I am either destined to burn, which I feel sometimes, or that it’s a process because there is a difference in being mean to people because they are homosexual, and being angry or resentful because it is messing with my own life and the people I love.

Calvin:  Let’s refocus. How do you feel about Sean?  He is gay and that doesn’t fit with your belief systems. How would you feel about him if, instead of being gay, he did something else that was contrary to your personal or religious beliefs? What if he went dancing at the club every Saturday night with girls and was sexually active with them? Knowing you, Julie, you would not be happy about that, and yet you wouldn’t be asking me how to deal with it.

You would complement him on being outgoing, or on his talent in getting to know people. You might put some music on and dance a bit in the kitchen. And you would not hesitate to tell him that sex outside of marriage was not what he should be looking for and you would tell him why. That doesn’t seem foren to you because you do that all the time.

My kids are straight as trees, and there are days that I want to knock some sense into them. Parents are going to have issues with how their children live.

Thomas S Monson said

“Never let a problem to be solved become more important that a person to be loved.”

Julie, you are a good parent and a fair parent. You love your children and want to give them the best head start you can.

Maybe while you are trying to help Sean the others in your family will watch you being kind, nonjudgmental and respectful to people with differences. Who knows but that this may be the catalyst that propels your family forward to do great things?

You have opened up a dialogue with love and understanding so that those who may have wandered from the safety of the fold know that they still have a place. Maybe they will move a little closer to us as we show them our love and they can still dance with us in the kitchen. 

End of tangent.

The gay Mormon man and the Bishop's interview

The LDS Bishop’s interview experience is getting a lot of press lately. I would be a little freaked out by it as well as it is explained by those who have not been through the process. It is not going into a locked room with an older man and talking about sex. Let me speak of my experience.

This isn't me, by the way.
Goes to show that there is usually a desk between the two.

I went through that interview every two years from the age of 12 on, and again when I went on a mission x two: Bishop and Stake President. On top of that, I was interviewed several times – once with my parents present when I was baptized at the age of eight. As a family we had yearly interviews with the bishop. And I have had an interview every two years since my mission to get/maintain a temple recommend.

The interview in question is to establish worthiness to enter the temple or to be advanced in priesthood authority and responsibility. My understanding is that the same questions are asked girls as they are advancing through various young women organizations. There isn’t a separate interview for girls or boys. It is the same interview.

Yes, there are questions about whether or not one is morally clean and yes, they were a little embarrassing for me to answer. I was never unduly uncomfortable in the interview with one exception: The very mention of the word masturbation made me want to pass out. This was the late seventies and I was not hip.

On my LDS mission I was assigned the task to interview potential members of the church for baptism. I realized that I was uncomfortable with those words as a leader as well.   
.

I was raised a Mormon. Worthiness interviews are part of the culture and still are.  As a husband and a father I have been asked by a family member to accompany them to such interviews. Of course I said yes, and I went with them to their scheduled appointment. Sometimes I got a funny look from the leader doing the interview. Most times there was not a bump. And this was years ago before any of this #metoo came to light.

Anyone can be accompanied by an adult or a family member if they so wish. And they have always had the ability to have someone accompany them.  It just hasn’t been part of the culture. But culture can change and is already changing. And yes, leaders can always be more sensitive to feelings of he/she being interviewed.

However, the law of chastity is clear and must be followed before anyone can attend the temple or advance in the priesthood. The questions won't change for content, though they might go through a revision of sorts for clarity. There are questions that need to be asked. "Are you morally clean?" is one.

I hear from some that the interview can be problematic. I get that. I hear that there has been abuse by some bishops. My experience in the church is that these are one-off scenarios.  They are not the norm. And in a culture that is becoming hyper-aware of potential for abuse, they will be fewer and fewer.  And that is as it should be. Should this conversation be happening?  Yes.

Here is the rub: You may or may not agree that this is a question that Mormon leaders have a right to ask. I think they do. You may feel that someone being interviewed has the right to refuse to answer. I agree.  However, someone who is not morally clean can’t get a temple recommend, and the structure is clear.

Chapter Two of the Big Gay Mormon Book

Picking teams  

or Are gay people the good guys or the bad guys? 

This is chapter two of  "They That Be With Us - Understanding the link between Gay and Mormon"  Please leave any notes or questions or write me at calvinthompson.cal@gmail.com

Calvin: King Benjamin, the sons of Mosiah, and Ammon and his many, many arms have become a huge source of inspiration for me. In fact, I was the one who wrote the very first “Book of Mormon Musical” when I was ten, and I played Nephi, Zorom and the all the Laman-knights.

Not indecently, King Benjamin’s talk is where I learned that as a gay young man I was an enemy to God.

There were other things I learned in my teen-aged years that were not nearly as painful as being considered God’s enemy. For example, I learned any one of my sisters would not hesitate to sell me out for a Charleston Chew. I learned that Lady Blakney, our cow, turned out to be the answer to that age old question “what’s for dinner” and that dad had a good reason when he told us not to flush Tupperware lids down the toilet. 

As horrible as it was for me to learn during my thirtieth summer that mothers didn’t last forever, even that was more palatable to me than having been put in the same ugly category with those who lived counter to Heavenly Father and his purpose.

“For Calvin Thompson, who is only a sort-of-man (being gay and not as clever or cool as he doth think in his heart to be), is an enemy to God, and has been ever since he found gay pornography in a rest room and hid it in his violin case.” -The Book of Cal

When I looked in the mirror I didn’t see an enemy of God. I saw myself as one who was “On the Lord's Side, Who…”.  I went to Church, I was really good at scripture chase, I could lead the singing and use the words “thee” and “thine” correctly in prayer. I memorized all the routes for passing the sacrament, wore a white shirt fresh from the dryer and tied a brilliant full Windsor knot. Surely those considered “On the Lords Side, Who...” were guys like me that combed their hair and tried not to watch TV on Sundays. 

“For the natural man is an enemy to God,” Mosiah 3:19

Was Benjamin talking about my inclination towards men?  The opinions I heard expressed at church was that there was nothing more unnatural than desiring ones same gender. I heard that scripture supported sentiment in Sunday school class, in priesthood and again in the foyer from people who didn’t know anyone was listening -- a terrific way to check any groups practical pulse. 

However my feelings toward men seemed as natural and effortless as rearranging the living room furniture or color coordinating my sock drawer. I didn’t go out and hunt for these feelings; I didn’t raise my hand, volunteer or pick gay from a catalog.

And suddenly there was some ridiculous and arbitrary line drawn in the sand and it was right at my feet. Those on the other side were straight and could choose to go to heaven. Those on my side of the line were not going anywhere near heaven and apparently there was no choice involved -- no agency whatsoever. The whole thing sounded so… Old Testament. 

This was not the Heavenly Father that I knew, who I had learned about in primary and who I considered my loving and caring Heavenly Father. This was a fire and brimstone, B-movie Zeus with bad effects.

The whole thing freaked me out. I was now the bad guy - the guy in the black hat. 

The iron rod had somehow split in two. It had to have. I was off in a different direction and I had never let go of the dang thing. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. In my natural form with God given talents, abilities and inclinations I was God’s enemy.

  

Well, I didn’t want to be his enemy. I wanted to be his son. I wanted his love and admiration. I wanted his trust. I wanted to be on His side and to be counted among His. I wanted the white hat, the girl everyone said I should I should want, the sunset and all else that went with it.

Maybe I was so freaked out by what I first read at age thirteen that I was too worked up to hear anything else. I should have kept reading.

“…and will be (an enemy), forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a  saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a  child,  submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” (The rest of the Mosiah 3:19)

Directly from the Guide to the Scriptures on LDS.org, the natural man is "A person who chooses to be influenced by the passions, desires, appetites, and senses of the flesh rather than by the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Such a person can comprehend physical things but not spiritual things. All people are carnal, or mortal, because of the fall of Adam and Eve. Each person must be born again through the atonement of Jesus Christ to cease being a natural man."

Combining our collective wisdom - King Benjamin’s and mine - to remain “On The Lords Side, Who…” meant to follow His commandments, submit to His will and trust that I would never be tempted past my ability to withstand or overcome.

When I follow the commandments I move past what the normal, natural guy does regardless of his sexual orientation. At that point I am “On the Lords Side, Who…”, and heir to His glory  - willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon (me).

Calvin’s Quick Tangent Alert (Thus the tangerine-orange color). My dictionary says “inflict” means to exact, impose, or cause. Could that mean that homosexuality, then; is something caused by the Lord? That it has been exacted, or measured out and given to me?

I am not learned enough to know. But I do believe that any actions we take or behaviors we choose are our own. Does Heavenly Father place a few roadblocks in our path for us to overcome? Could His question for me be, “Will you obey me even if you are gay?”

In my observation, the natural “heterosexual” man doesn’t seem to any closer to God than the natural “homosexual” man. Perhaps ones sexual inclination is truly personal and individual as each human being is. Perhaps both are men who have been asked by the Lord to obey the commandments He set out for us, and in doing so we overcome “the natural man”. The commandments are for all men, and God, to my understanding, has made no distinction between peoples.

Julie: I’m not sure I get what you are saying. Are you telling me that because I have the natural temptation to lie, that it’s somehow because God made me that way?

Calvin: No. And when you put it that way, something seems wrong. I would never equate feelings of same gender attraction with sin. I do not believe they are sinful. Acting in a way contrary to laws of morality for any gender regardless of sexual attraction is the problem. If we use lying as a simile, then we would have to state it like this: The act of lying is a wrong.  However, the feelings behind the lie may not be.

Do you feel vulnerable? That’s not wrong. 

Do you feel the need to protect? Not wrong.

Is your untruth-telling filling a need to be better, or an attempt to build up a fragile ego? Those feelings are not wrong, and they may lead to great self-discovery. The lie itself is the wrong part.

Julie: I get that. We are talking about the motivations and feelings versus our choices and actions. I completely agree with that.

Calvin:  It doesn’t seem like the difference is all that critical.  Unless you are the one assigned a black hat.

Again with the good guy or bad guy thing

Julie:  So, in this story here, does being gay make you the good guy or the bad guy?

Calvin:  Neither. I am neither the good guy nor the bad guy based on my sexuality. Innate, enhanced or acquired sexuality is not the deciding factor for hero or villain status.

Here is the issue described plainly:

Simply being attracted to someone of the same gender is not a sin. There are many members of the Church who may have some manifestation of that attraction. They honor their covenants, they keep the commandments, they are worthy. They can receive the blessings of the temple and they can serve in the Church. It is when we act on the inclination or the attraction—that's when it becomes a sin. -  Elder David A. Bednar

God is no respecter of persons and sexual preference does not, in and of itself, connote spirituality or lack thereof. Homosexual feelings are simply feelings. Regardless of my sexuality, I can be the guy who’s on the Lords side. I can be the one the Lord can count on when He calls for men and women to stand for Him. Good people, regardless of sexual designation or orientation will stand for what the Savior stands for. Consider this scripture from Moroni.

11 For behold, a bitter fountain cannot bring forth good water; neither can a good fountain bring forth bitter water; wherefore, a man being a servant of the devil cannot follow Christ; and if he follow Christ he cannot be a servant of the devil.  
16 For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for everything which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God. 
17 But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him.

Understanding what the Lord asks of us and then making a choice to do that very thing is good. A choice to be disobedient is bad. Enough bad choices and that’s where the black hat comes in. The consequences are inherent.  Whether or not I am an enemy to God depends on my actions and the efforts I make.  I do have a say in the matter.

I like having a say.

Those who are “on the Lord’s side, who?” are those who follow His commandments, who invite others to do good, and who persuade others to believe in Christ. Those not on His side are those who persuade others to disallow the commandments - those who have had a clear understanding of Him and have believed in Him and then deny Him (one must believe in a thing to deny it).

Julie: I don’t want my son, or anyone’s child thinking they are the bad guys because of their sexuality. We all have challenges at one time or another. Heavenly Father loves us, and struggling with temptations is par for the course he has created for us. I want to help our children understand that they can be gay and still wear the white hat.  I want my gay son to know that.

Calvin: Then this chapter was a good thing.