No hate crime today

I was both pleased and saddened to learn that suspected hate crimes against a Delta man were not crimes done out of hate towards a man who had said he was attacked for being gay.  The idiots of society that usually perpetrate these crimes were not to blame.

Unfortunately, it seems that the acts were actually staged by him as local police confirmed several days ago. Millard County Sheriff Robert Dekker said Tuesday -- as per the Deseret News -- that the assorted crimes were all faked.

"The investigation has come to an end today with Jones admission of to having staged all of the incidents," Dekker said. He later added that investigators are meeting with the Millard County Attorney’s Office to determine whether any criminal charges will be filed against Jones.

It had been reported that the Grand Central Station eatery was vandalized with graffiti several, that money was taken from the restaurant on another occasion, and Jones' assertion that someone threw a rock with gay slurs and a Molotov cocktail through his bedroom window.

Jones' attorney, Brett Tolman, said his client "is accepting responsibility for the incidents" and asked Tolman to contact the sheriff's office and have them cancel the investigation.

Quotes from his attorney:

"At this point we are working with investigators and with the community at trying to point out and recognize that what this really amounts to is a very serious cry for help by an individual … who is gay and is in need of mental health treatment, which he is getting,"

"The fundraisers were not something that Rick started," the attorney said. "That was (done) by well meaning persons that wanted to help out. But it was the appropriate thing to return those donations."

"I don’t think it was an intention on the part of our client to do anything criminal. I think this is truly a cry for help by someone that needs it."

"At this point the most important concern is his well-being. … And while he’s acknowledging that this is something that he takes responsibility for, it still underscores some of the difficult and rough roads that those in the LGBT community go through."

I remember a time in my life that I may have been tempted to do the same type of thing.  I hope this man gets the help he needs so that he can feel good about himself.

What is the "right" answer to a MOHO prayer

The subject continued from the last post is getting answers to prayers and being influenced by the spirit. We have talked about several different situations.

The current scenario is my marriage. I am a gay Mormon married man. My wife is, for lack of a better term, “normal”. (Opposite-sex-attracted is a weird term.) We married with complete transparency.

I started blogging so that I could tout the blessings of such a marriage. Both of us felt that we had received inspiration in getting married to each other.

Did I go into the marriage thinking that I would be transformed? I will admit that, Yes. I didn’t expect it to be immediate, but I did expect something at sometime. I hoped it would be sooner rather than later.

Did my wife go into the marriage thinking that I would be transformed? I think she did, though she doesn’t say it. I do know that she thought – to a degree – that I would change myself.

Was the implication made by anyone that I would somehow, sometime have the gay taken away? Or did we infer that on our own.

We inferred.

I inferred.

It was always in my mind that if I obeyed, the Lord would take this particular cup from me/us. However, there was no established precedent other than, say, Abraham and his son. My ego is quite large. Huge in fact. But even in all my greatness I couldn’t possibly expect that particular brand of divine intervention.

No one is sending an angel to point a sword at me, whistle a Sondheim tune and change me straight.

Frankly, between us MOHOs and spouses of MOHOs, I will say that say that I do believe Heavenly Father could intervene in such a fashion were He to choose that method. However, I think he expects us to do our share first. My share is going to be the day to day obedience/repentance/forgiveness that happens to those who are doing their best to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ and the word of his prophets.

Bottom line -- will my marriage work? I don’t know. I am doing my best to make sure that it does. But my wife could decide that it is just too hard, or that she would rather be with someone who had a more butch libido. I can be the best husband that I can be, and yet, there will always be the sex issue. I have committed to not have sex outside of my marriage, but sex within ain’t "all that" for her. Can I ask her to be celibate? I can’t answer that.

Am I enough for my wife if I don’t have a sex life to offer? I don’t know that either. Yet I felt strongly that I should marry this woman, and she felt inspired to marry me.

· Perhaps there is something for us both to learn that could not be learned any other way.
· Perhaps I need to learn obedience at any cost.
· Perhaps the next life will offer us something we can’t even imagine that will make today's pain worth it- a time when our eyes will be opened and there will be an ah-ha moment.
· Perhaps there is no big moment of change and I will need to be content with having obeyed.

Regardless of the end result, I know that following through with the prompting of the spirit is always the right thing to do – even with the knowledge that I may not ever in this life know the reason why.

Orange juice, bread and good fathers

I've posted this before, but I had to again. So, how is this for a love note?  I had to wipe my nose when I read this.  Of course, that could be due more to my killer spring allergies than an emotional letter from a father to a son that looks like was written on an envelope. No it's the letter.

What a kind, heart felt, normal, everyday kind of letter -- especially from a dad. It reiterates for me that there are kind, gentle, loving people in the world.  I strive daily to put myself smack down in the middle of that group.

My own father was not pleased with the news.  He told me he always knew but that he didn't want to get involved.

A father expects his son to be the man he meant to be, but let's his son find it on his own.. Here's to good fathers of the world.

Am I getting Married in the morning?

Love, and a lot more was in the air when I married my wife. We married civilly over seventeen years ago under the rain-forest tree at the courthouse in Provo. She had children from a previous marriage, a union that had gone south in a hurry. That marriage should never have happened, but I'm glad it did because of the children. 

I was not a prize. I had issues - most of which I had spoken to her about.  My sexual preference we had discussed at some length.

This might be us in another 17 years.

So we raised the kids, and now we are raising a few grand-kids because we didn't do such a good job with our daughter-the-mother.  

Now, it seems like the time to get sealed in the temple as neither one of us is going anywhere. We are both living in accordance with the commandments and we both have had and have used our temple recommends for some time.  

I say, let’s do it.

So, we made the appointment with the Bishop and he agreed with us that getting sealed is something we should do. It took my wife some time to fill out the paperwork and compose a letter that she had been asked to write describing what happened and why she wishes her previous sealing to be canceled. She didn't really want to open that can of worms because of the distasteful events that lead up to the divorce.

It, in essence was canceled the moment he stepped out on her, but that is neither here or there.

And we waited. Several month later were still waiting. Turns out that the stake president had neglected to turn in the paperwork. They all had a good laugh. Not me. Not my wife.

  

Several more months later we get notice through our bishop that the church committee needed more information. They needed letters from our children and first-husbands mother - since he had, mercifully, died several years ago. 

The kids writing letters was not a problem. I explained to them that our getting sealed did not affect their relationship with their first dad. They were still sealed to him and to their mother. All that would happen was that their mother would no longer be sealed to first-dad and she would be sealed to me; Not a conversation that I imagine happens a lot in the LDS church.

The kids emailed their letters to the Bishop.  We waited for Mother-in-law from hell to write hers. My wife felt that the MILFH's email would hit the fan. I thought MILFH had matured enough and understood the situation well enough that she would act like a grownup.

I was wrong. MILFH drug it out, contacted our bishop and then her stake president. Finely - three weeks after the deadline - she sends her e-mail. We rolled our collective eyes at her and waited for the verdict. 

Two months later we heard from our bishop that there were questions the committee had that needed to be answered before the application could move on to the first presidency.  We set the appointment to meet with our Bishop to answer the questions.

Question number one was whether or not I had resolved my many issues. Of course the answer was yes. I had dealt with my problems with all the correct authorities and had come to resolutions in the correct, prescribed manner. In short, I had not lied to get my temple recommend.

Second question; MILFH had made allegations of impropriety in my relationship with my wife, and the committee wanted to know if the allegations were true.

I became angry. Anger, there in the bishops office.  Not only did MILFH lie to our bishop, our children and her church leaders, but she did it in writing to the first presidency of the church.  She lied to the prophet!  If I may say to you, dear reader, what a complete hag! 

Our bishop set the matter straight and told us we would be hearing from the first presidency as soon as they met over the matter.

 

We are still waiting. 

I get more nervous as the time passes. What if they say no?  What if they tell me that I cannot be sealed to the person I love and care for and want to take care of.  Will it make a difference in our relationship if it is for time and time only?

I think about others in my position - wanting to marry their loved one and feeling like they are waiting for approval. I have more empathy for those who are still waiting for answers. The very real fact of the matter is that the first presidency might say no.  

No, I cannot be sealed to my wife. Your repentance was not enough.  You do not have our approval. Then what?

Do I pout and leave the church?  Does my wife become bitter?  Do we become one of those stories printed in the Ensign about those who may or may not have been done wrong and left the fold?

Oh please. I am not leaving the church.  I know too much to deny what is right - even if I come in at the wrong end of things.  

I recently read a man's post that was dismissed from his church job simply for being gay - not having sex or being unchaste, just being gay. I told him it was unfair, but that some day he would know that his hanging in there was the right thing to do.  Will I be in that same boat?

I may be. However, had I been in a frame of mind to leave the church I would have used one of the many episodes having to do with me being gay and trying to be honest about it - which didn't work so well.

I say no to vacating the LDS church because "I have been done wrong" -- assuming that the worse happens. I say that we stay. I will have to spend a lot of time with my wife to let her know that the church is not to be blamed, and then focus on what I ( we) can do to be in a future position to have her cancellation of sealing exacted and our own ordnance performed. I may have to put a hit out on the MILFH.

And if we get a letter in the mail that says my sealing is a go?  I will thank the Lord and marry that girl. 

Who do I believe?

A reader brought up a decent point. He stated: "Believing that you are doing something that will affect eternity is powerful indeed. It doesn't even have to be true so powerful is it."

Well, that does present a real problem.  I don't want to be doing something simply because I have convinced myself it is the right thing to do. Recently I found out that I am diabetic. Who in their right mind would give up sugar and shoot up twice daily if it wasn't to get something better? -- in this case, the chance to live.

As a child like millions of others, I believed in Santa. The Easter Bunny always seemed ludicrous, but I got into the whole Santa thing. Even when I was older I still sooooo wanted to believe. I created my own little reality where Santa was a man that was so busy that he instructed parents around the world who then acted as his agents to make sure that worthy children received the gifts they rightly deserved. 

That lasted a year. By then puberty kicked in and I was too busy thinking about other things to worry about Santa. I had been so sure about the Santa thing. But I was mistaken.

So, what if we are putting our whole heart into religion, the Mormon church and the teachings of the gospel and it ends up that Jesus was/is just a good man who tried to keep us from killing ourselves?  

Let's say, for the sake of discussion, that we in the LDS church who are also, by definition members of the LGBT community (read - gay Mormons) are functioning under a premise that is mistaken -- our own little "If we are good then Santa will bring us gifts" premise.

The premise is this; if we live a good life we will go to heaven. (We will define good will be as following the commandments as stipulated by the prophets living and written.) How do we find out if we are being taken or not? 

For me there are two things I consider. First, what was in it for Christ to ask us to follow him. He was not political. There was nothing physically or monetarily for him to gain. He got nothing but grief and ended up dead. What would have been his motive if He wasn't who he said he was? What He asked us to do was be kind, be honest, and to focus on the needs of others. Doesn't seem super logical that it was some sort of scam.

Second, in order to know that I am not off on the wrong track, I would need to know the answers to the following questions; Do I believe in God?  Do I believe that He knows more than I do and that he has power that I do not have? Do I believe that He wants what is best for me?

Now that we have the questions established, who do we ask?  Who has the knowledge of things from the beginning of time?  Not John Dehlin. No one here on earth. 

Mormons believe that the third member of the Godhead is the Spirit, the Holy Ghost. He will testify to us when we ask with real intent. He will answer us. We do not need to go through anyone else for personal revelation. Not John Dehlin or anyone else here on earth.

• I believe in God and that God has set standards.
• I believe that the prophets speak for Him to instruct us while allowing us the freedom to choose for ourselves.
• I believe that God is just and that he is in a position to judge.
• I believe that God's knowledge is more than man's knowledge and that his power is more than man's power.

If I believe these things, and I do, then giving up something for something better in the long term is doable.  

Stake President: in the hospital corridor: hit to the nards.

In the past several days I have been occupied as a mostly-human pin cushion at a Timpanogos Regional Medical Center. While I lay there trying to override my fear of enclosed spaces by mulling over my daughter's thought process in loaning me her stuffed ninja turtle, I thought about a lot of things.

Here is a short list of things I didn't think about while I was in the ICU for a few days.

I didn't think about the press release by the LDS church about religious rights. Didn't consider how many are up in arms trying to ensure that Mormons don't have a say in their marriage, or how Mormons are trying to protect their temple sealing

I didn't think about John Dehlin and his excommunication.

As gay as I am, I didn't think about LGBT rights or changes in how we write these rights down.

I did think of my bills and wondered how on earth I was going to get them paid. I thought of my daughter who is moving back in with two kids and a husband who disappears for a day or two and reappears as if all were normal.

I thought about the weather and it it was warm enough to re-paint the house and how I was going to lead the choir for ward conference in a hospital gown.

I barely thought about why BYU sports can be so brilliant one minute and then loose to a team like the Contra Costa Community Brown Rice the next.

Most of all I thought about my family and how my ailment would effect them. I thought of my wife who wouldn't get any sleep. And then I re-thought the bills thing.

I thought of my marriage and how my wife had threatened to kick our stake president in the nards if I died before he finished getting our temple sealing approved.

Now that I am back on the other side of the river, I will look up what happened to Brother Dehlin and see what new outrageous things was said from the extreme left or the extreme right about it. I will probably have a say.  In the meantime I have bills to pay and a wife to treat to a late Valentines day.

Who says that MarMoHos can't have a good life?

Dear Ann Lande... Brother Thompson

Dear Brother Thompson,

My 18 yr old son listened to me talk with a relative about her relationship with a man she had kept a secret from her mother for over a year. I explained that she should tell her mom about him. It is extremely painful when parents are shut out of the things that are most important in their children’s lives. On the ride home my son highlighted those comments, and used it as an opportunity to tell me what I have known about him for years: he is attracted to men.

He was a little taken aback at my response. No shock, tears, or anger. I had to laugh a little and explain that I have been aware for a long time.  My son said he was a little uncomfortable with how well I knew him.  That I knew what was going through his head and heart before he did. I tried to reassure him that I can’t read his mind, but that the Spirit has always been a strong guide -- not to mention that I am his mom and I love him fiercely.

My husband has several brothers and in the past 2 years all his brothers had one child come forward saying they have same sex attraction. Only 1 of brothers handled the announcement maturely. My husband is the only one of the 5 brothers that remains active in the church. I have been helping my husband over the years prepare for this day. 

This is Abby from Dear Abby. There is no
resemblance whatsoever.

When first married he had very rigid views and had little tolerance for homosexuality. He is no longer the same man in that respect, and I am eternally grateful the Lord has softened his heart and opened his mind. I am not worried at all about how that conversation will go when he returns next week from being out-of-town.

Let me tell you my son’s hopes and and maybe then you can help me with resources to support him. He has always been grounded in the gospel, his faith unwavering. He always wanted to serve a mission, until yesterday.  He still wants to hold the priesthood and have a temple marriage. He wants to follow Heavenly Father’s plan. He recently spoke with one of his gay cousins, and friends at school. He was discouraged with their reactions because they want him “embrace” his feelings and live freely as a gay man. He said he doesn't feel happiness when he thinks of that life.

I asked many candid questions and this is what I know:

-He no longer feels “worthy” to serve a mission, although he has not acted on any of his feelings. He states being with just men for 2 years has not been a concern to him.

-He wants to have an eternal marriage with a wife and children, but feels that a woman could not love him if he is attracted to men, and that he could not give her the love and security she needs for the same reasons.

-At this time, he is repulsed by any type of intimate relationship, male or female. He can’t imagine being that close to anyone. I tried to reassure him that when he finds the right person it will be much easier.

-He has gone on dates with a few girls, but never had a “girlfriend”. 

We live in an area where being LDS is a minority, and the gay and lesbian community is well supported and accepted. We purposefully chose to live here many years ago for multiple reasons,but one was to give our children exposure to multiple cultures, lifestyles, and to help them become more well-rounded and tolerant of differences within all people. 

I don’t believe his environment made him, I knew this about him before we moved 8 years ago.

I have tried to liken his situation to alcoholism. Some members of the church are really attracted to alcohol, but they choose not to partake to keep their blessings.

I also had him watch the dinner scene from The Family Stone. When I watched it for the first time many years ago I was a hot mess and cried long after the movie was over. I knew then that I had to be sure to tell my son that he IS NORMAL when the day came, and I did. I also reminded him that the trials he has been given are no more difficult or easier than anyone else's, just different. 

I asked if he would like to trade trials with me, and without hesitation he declined, and we laughed. I reminded him that the Lord has made his faith strong and that he was given this because he is so faithful. What others view as a weakness will be his strength. Just to be clear, I have reassured him that we will love him however he decides to live his life. I told him that he can’t “pray it away”, and to forgive anyone that tries to tell him to do so. I did encourage him to pray for strength and guidance and to follow the Lord’s will to live the life the Lord wants him to.

Your blog was the first one I came across. Honestly, I am a little concerned where my searches for support will lead me. I want to find ways to support him and give him the resources and information that he cannot get from is friends and cousins since at this time he is committed to remain a faithful member of the church.

I want to ask very personal questions like:

How do you maintain your membership and not feel “unworthy” as my son does? 

How does your family support you?

How does your relationship with your wife affect your feelings, and your feelings affect her?

Obviously, I don’t expect you to answer such personal inquiries. I just want to give him evidence that he can have a full and meaningful life with healthy relationships and achieve his goals while being a faithful servant and Son of Heavenly Father. I think his hope is just a flicker and I want to give him fuel to make it a raging fire before it goes out altogether and he becomes lost in this life and the next.

Again, we love and support our son unconditionally. I am basing my inquiries on what he has expressed to me to be his desires.

Thank you for sharing your trials and using it to serve and help others.

Dear Sister Doe,

What a freakin' wonderful letter on so many levels. You are a kind, respectful, responsible and loving parent. You hit the key -- for me at least -- of overcoming anything we believe to be a challenge. (Yes, being gay and Mormon at the same time is a challenge. Frankly, I hear that being straight and Mormon at the same time can be a challenge).

The key was when you wrote "I did encourage him to pray for strength and guidance and to follow the Lord’s will to live the life the Lord wants him to."  

This is exactly the right thing. God has a plan for us. He is smarter than we are and has infinitely more power. If we can control the natural man regardless of our sexual inclination we can have eternal life. Being gay and being a card-carrying temple recommend holding Mormon requires sacrifice. 

He will have to choose to not have gay sex.  It is a hard decision to make, and even when it is made, hormones kick in and so does the internet and sometimes resolve dissolves.  And if a mistake is made, the adversary says, ah, just give up.  Everybody else thinks you should. Be true to yourself! (as if anyone but you and the Lord knows what you truly are and can make that call.)

I love your questions!  I am not shy, and I am happy to answer.

How do you maintain your membership and not feel “unworthy” as my son does?  I'll tell you why. I feel worthy because of the atonement. The Savior knows all about the indiscretions of my youth (a nice way of saying that I really screwed up). I used to feel that my sin was somehow not as good or as valid as someone else s sin.  Yes, I felt inadequate even in sinning.

Let me tell you and your son now that you are enough.  The savior took on his sins as well as yours and mine.  You are enough for him.   

How does your family support you?  It's my wife that is my major supporter. I have committed to her in every way. We are a team. Our sex life isn't worthy soap opera fodder, but we get by, and we excel in so many other areas. My brothers and sisters support me fully. Some are members of the church and some are not, but it doesn't matter to anyone of them. My dad -- who is little old school -- doesn't talk about it, but I don't bring it up with him much either.  Explaining it to my kids might be fun to watch when it happens.

How does your relationship with your wife affect your feelings, and your feelings affect her?  I believe that you are talking about sexual feelings, so I will re-phrase your question. How does your relationship with your wife affect your sexual feelings, and your sexual feelings affect her?  

Good question. I am gay. I am not bi. I am not still deciding or waiting for the right guy. I am not looking for a guy. I am not watching the polls to see if what I am doing is PC or approved by TLC or GLAAD or any other organization whether liberal or conservative. I have been married for over fifteen years and I have never regretted it. As readers know, I am in the process of getting sealed to her - something we have both thought through thoroughly -- fifteen years worth of thorough.  

I am sure that many men see something they are physical attracted to. I am the same. As men, we don't dwell, we don't check out what's out there.  We don't porn or try to have things both ways. We remember our commitment to our wives, our families and our God. Sometimes this involves tongue biting and hymn singing, but we are honorable men who are looking at our big picture. We certainly do not put anyone else down for their choice and we expect the same treatment. 

My wife and I talk about it often. There is a bittersweet edge for her certainly, but she is still my wife and I am her husband, and we are pleased with our choice. 

As far as where to look for support, is it trite to say the scriptures, church leaders, home teachers, family, church and prayer?  Maybe a bit. Look at it this way. Church is for people and their lives and challenges. We all have things we are working out in the Mormon church, not just gay people. Having said that, I personalty revere Ty Mansfield and his organization. I do not feel they are simply one sided. 

Again look to the spirit to be directed to holy sources for help.

Either one of you can E-mail me. And please tell your son that we love him and that it is OK to stop feeling guilty for something he didn't do.