Monday, April 5, 2010

Live & Die by the Blog


More Than I Can Chew?

I love positive comments made on the blog. I even like the ones that are negetive - feedback can be a good thing. Silly as it is, I want to be liked. I have a wacko thing about being liked, which stems from my wacko childhood where I wasn't liked much and before the violins start, I need to say that there was no way I was ever going to be liked as much as I wanted to be liked because I was maniacally egocentric even as a young and boring boy-child with huge feet.

When I was on my LDS mission, my companion told me I was a fisher - not a fisher of men, which would have been a lovely thing to be told, but one who was constantly fishing for a complement. He obliged me as much as he could because he was a good hearted man from Georgia, God bless him. Dispute his best efforts to fill my cup, I remain a fisher to this day.

I want to be liked.

So, I think, how to make the blog something people like. It started off a bit more graphic. I can't be as graphic now. Though it was right for the time even just a few months ago, it doesn't feel right for now. A friend said to try to be more vulnerable and less secure. I'm not sure how to do that now that I seem to have the "secure" thing down. I may appear to be secure in all my stances. I may be off-putting in my beliefs. In taking a "stand" of sorts I am losing an audience. I don't feel as strong. In fact, I mostly pray for the ability to say what I think the Lord wants me to say - excepting the sarcasm and curmudgeonry which is all mine. But, other than hiring a guest blogger for sweeps week or writing without a shirt, I'm not sure what to do.

I listened to Conference-Mormon Church Style this last weekend. I heard middle-aged to older-aged men tell me that there was wisdom in following the Lord, in being kind, strong, humble, and moral. And then Monday morning I hop on my blog or my facebook page and see assaults on that way of being. Degrading comments to that lifestyle. Popular sentiments published and sent my way deriding a standard of morality I believe in.

I suppose I have asked for it myself - putting myself out there as the Gay Man Living What Is Essentially A Straight Life poster child in a blog and soon in a book. Either I need thicker skin, or I need to re-assess my stance. It is painful to see others ridicule what I believe in, especially sense I am the heart-on-sleeve-wearing, ego manic with tendencies to prostitute myself for affection.

First thing I am going to have to do is stop saying things like 'Prostitute Myself for Attention'. The next thing is to both re-assess my stance and grow thicker skin - both. Neither one is out of line for a Gay-Mormon-Priesthood-holding-wife-loving-man. Even a smarty pants, fishing one

12 comments:

  1. You have biten off a good hunk. I don't know if it is possable to chew it correctly. You may have to dis-able comments and do what you think is right, or keep doing what you are doing and toughin-up. I think you are doing a good thing. And i DONT EVEN LIKE YOU.

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  2. Well, you need to either turn off the comments or grow a pair. I think you are doing the right thing, and I don't even like you.

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  3. Well, I like you and don't really care what those others think. Keep cranking dude. I enjoy your blog.

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  4. jeff in coloradoApril 6, 2010 at 9:25 AM

    Do you judge readership by comments or that hit counter on the sidebar?

    Just curious because I always read but don't always comment.

    p.s. I like your blog but I struggle with your overall position. Which is, of course, ironic since I am in your SAME position (married, gay, active in the church and planning on staying that way). I think the difference is that I don't want to promote what I am doing as the "right" thing. If one of my children were gay, I would not recommend this course of action to them. It seems that you would. But maybe I'm wrong.

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  5. I read your blog, and I like it. Most people who agree with you don't comment because you don't say anything controversial or against-the-Church. Let's face it, those blogs get the most comments--it's just a part of the blogging world.
    Don't get too caught up in people's comments. I know some bloggers who make major decisions in their lives based on encouragement from their blog readers, who often don't know them or don't have their best interests at heart. Let it go, and don't get too caught up in your blogging world. Keep blogging, because you're a positive voice in this world, but just keep living your life the way you know is right, and you'll be fine.

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  6. Hey, I love your blog, it fills a rather lonely niche in the SSA Mormon blogging world. Please keep it up. Sure you could get more hits if you had more pictures of hot guys or spoke enticingly of your past fantasies or indiscretions, but its good to have your perspective here, I'm thankful for it.

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  7. P.S. stop with the lifestyle already. You are gay, anyway you live your life is your lifestyle, be it celibate, sexually active or brooding between the two.

    Ditch the euphemism and call it what "they" are afraid to say directly. GAY SEX with members of your own sex. You are not engaged in gay sex with men. (you are having gay sex with your wife incidentally because you are gay and having sex...get it?) Anyway just a rant for clarity in a world of marketed euphemisms that shield hate

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  8. Like this blog. You have a lot of people following you that dont make comments here. Maybe they get what they need and move on, maybe it starts them thinking. Who knows. You do speak about listening to the spirit. I believe it too. What does the spirit tell you. It may not be the popular thing,but it will be the right thing. I know it

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  9. You are going to loose the ones who were looking for another type of bleg. This started out as one of those angst blogs, but became something else. A good something else if you want to remain in the LSD church. There are many that do. Me! Write from your heart

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  10. I just found your blog. I think it's awesome. As for what to do, to gain readers, I sympathize. I have the same concerns. I console myself, however, with the fact that blogging, for me, has produced two positive outcomes: first and foremost, it's been tremendously beneficial to my poor family, as it's been an alternate outlet for my ranting (I write it down so they don't have to listen to it). Second, I've made some wonderful friends. I have no idea what people want to read (it's evidently not what I write), but I'm glad I have my blog, just the same.

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  11. I love to read and know that someone else is learning and growing and I can do the same be cheating off of you and do some learning for myself. Thank you for this blog. It had helped me and my family more than you can know.

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  12. This is a good blog and use whatever wording works for you. I am not into having to change vinacular midstream due to political correctness or other. We will get by

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