Monday, April 5, 2010
Live & Die by the Blog
More Than I Can Chew?
I love positive comments made on the blog. I even like the ones that are negetive - feedback can be a good thing. Silly as it is, I want to be liked. I have a wacko thing about being liked, which stems from my wacko childhood where I wasn't liked much and before the violins start, I need to say that there was no way I was ever going to be liked as much as I wanted to be liked because I was maniacally egocentric even as a young and boring boy-child with huge feet.
When I was on my LDS mission, my companion told me I was a fisher - not a fisher of men, which would have been a lovely thing to be told, but one who was constantly fishing for a complement. He obliged me as much as he could because he was a good hearted man from Georgia, God bless him. Dispute his best efforts to fill my cup, I remain a fisher to this day.
I want to be liked.
So, I think, how to make the blog something people like. It started off a bit more graphic. I can't be as graphic now. Though it was right for the time even just a few months ago, it doesn't feel right for now. A friend said to try to be more vulnerable and less secure. I'm not sure how to do that now that I seem to have the "secure" thing down. I may appear to be secure in all my stances. I may be off-putting in my beliefs. In taking a "stand" of sorts I am losing an audience. I don't feel as strong. In fact, I mostly pray for the ability to say what I think the Lord wants me to say - excepting the sarcasm and curmudgeonry which is all mine. But, other than hiring a guest blogger for sweeps week or writing without a shirt, I'm not sure what to do.
I listened to Conference-Mormon Church Style this last weekend. I heard middle-aged to older-aged men tell me that there was wisdom in following the Lord, in being kind, strong, humble, and moral. And then Monday morning I hop on my blog or my facebook page and see assaults on that way of being. Degrading comments to that lifestyle. Popular sentiments published and sent my way deriding a standard of morality I believe in.
I suppose I have asked for it myself - putting myself out there as the Gay Man Living What Is Essentially A Straight Life poster child in a blog and soon in a book. Either I need thicker skin, or I need to re-assess my stance. It is painful to see others ridicule what I believe in, especially sense I am the heart-on-sleeve-wearing, ego manic with tendencies to prostitute myself for affection.
First thing I am going to have to do is stop saying things like 'Prostitute Myself for Attention'. The next thing is to both re-assess my stance and grow thicker skin - both. Neither one is out of line for a Gay-Mormon-Priesthood-holding-wife-loving-man. Even a smarty pants, fishing one