Saturday, April 10, 2010

One Chance in a Million

There has been a recent change of blog-name that my have lead to a certain air of confusion pertaining to subject matter.

I am gay. And Married. Gay, gay and Married, married.

To a straight woman. And, though she is currently mad at me for putting the turtle in her good Tupperware bowl, she usually is okay with me.

I don't say much here about our sex life. I would be more open about it if there weren't someone else involved. Of course, if there were no one else involved there would not be much of a sex life to talk about. I figure this blog can be invasive enough without that element.

Like most marriages, we have our on-days and our off-days. I understand that in even the most hetero of hetero couples there are on and off-days. I don't feel deprived and she doesn't feel depraved, or vice-versa.

She went into our marriage with full disclosure. She told me she snored. I went into the marriage with full disclosure. I told her I was gay. I didn't tell her I snored. (She goes to sleep first, so I am safe) I had been her friend for some time and she knew me well. Convenience? Nope and none. I don't know of any marriage that is convenient. That is almost seems a nasty word. Ease, simple, handy, convenient. Sorry. That does not describe our relationship at all.

Yes, we have kids. Several of them. Good kids. Not one of them gay. No hereditary problems, or fodder for a nature/nurture argument. They listen to musicals and play softball/baseball both. If there had been a "gay gene"in the mix, it did not come to play ball.

My wife goes through periods where she thinks she is too fat, and I go through periods where I think I don't make enough money, but overall we are as bizarre ordinary as any oddly normal couple.

The main difference between us an other couples, other than absolutely everything, is, especially, our our pasts. I was an out and about flamer before we got married. And by that I mean, let me be clear, I had gay sex.

That had to stop. There are men on the Down Low in the church. I know several. It is absolutely not something priesthood holders should do - regardless of where the advise comes from. No. If you are contemplating marriage and think that you can just step-out on the side, think again. Real men with backbones do not do this. If this describes you, please stop now.

Even with full disclosure, marriage between mixed gender oriented couples (What an awful combination of words) doesn't get easier, but I do feel that our ability to deal with the specific set of problems increases. Many a wife has been known to feel, after several years of marriage, that she may have known that her husband was gay, but she didn't think he was gay! - as if her husband just didn't know, or hadn't really had the experience for solid judgement or basis for comparison. Maybe she thought that her love or testimony or down-home cooking would change him.

It doesn't just leave or stop, or end. The human sexual feelings stay for as long as we are human and sexual. Like a straight-guys feelings. We who wish it, want it bad enough change the behavior. The gay does not get prayed away, as many hope for. But our ability to deal with it strengthens to a point where we can live and breath and enjoy a full & productive life.

Gay is gay. Gay will probably not change after years of marriage. He may develop a sexual relationship with you, his wife, but he will be attracted physically to men.

I don't understand conversion therapy. I cant even imagine changing the type of person you are sexually attracted to, let alone the gender. If you have to plug someone into an outlet to discourage arousal then you are playing with something way beyond therapy. The only one I know that has the power for that kind of significant change is my Father. And he works here through his Son.

A scene in one of my favorite movies, Chicken Run, has two fowls arguing about the possibilities of escaping from captivity. The rooster says that there is only one in a million chance that they can do it. She calmly answers, "Well then, there is still a chance."

Can Men Change? Yes. Behavior can change. We all count on this - every last Christan gay or straight in the world counts on our own human abilities to change and repent. We also count on a loving God to have us back if we can manage. We all want to change the base nature of man in order to return home to father. Homosexual men have the rights to the same blessings of the Lord.

Can men change their sexual orientation? So far, I don't think so. Not without divine intervention. I think to realistically say anything else would be placating. But this is misleading, because I do believe in divine intervention. And if we really do want to change a humans disposition, who else would one go to but the Savior?

As a gay man, can I hold the priesthood, a temple recommend and change the behaviors that would put these in jeopardy?


I don't know the numbers. I don't know the odds. Odds were pretty slim to begin with if I recall. But there is still a chance.


  1. What a can of worms. You are toast, friend.

  2. The perspective I'd like to hear more about, and that I think would really help me understand my own friends and family better, is your wife's--and, more globally, that of any and all women who knowingly enter into a marriage with a gay man. By saying this, let me be clear, I'm not meaning to pass a value judgment--different things work for different people. But, what I am saying is, I don't understand it--and my lack of understanding, combined with my fear of asking those close to me the "wrong" questions, is holding me back in my ability to support them the way they deserve to be supported.

  3. I totally agree with your thoughts posted today.

  4. I totally understand this post! And I'm grateful that you have expressed your situation so well.

    And yes, there is still a chance!

  5. I share C.J.'s thoughts. Although I recognize that it would be your wife's decision to share that information. And, it takes a certain personality to put one's life decisions out in the universe - and while you have made our decision public - your wife obviously does not feel the need to do that at this point. As always, great post.

  6. I have always been one to enjoy the road and one who looks at the bright side of things. This blog spot reminds me that there is another way to do things - other that what a large and loud fraction of the media depicts.

  7. So there is little hope, you say, Mr T. Somehow I get the feeling there is more to this essay. Part two?

  8. I think when people say they would like to hear from your wife they dont mean to say that whet you have to say means little. What you have to say means a lot. And what your wife has to say means a lot to us now because we know you.

  9. I really like how raw, sincere and unapologetic your writing is. We need many, many more writers like you who honestly write what's on their minds, rather than what's PC or warm and fuzzy.

  10. I ,like warn and fuzzys tata are honedt and dont put people down but lift things high and assist us to be berrerpeople

  11. I'll be honest, I was dating a man that wanted to marry me, but he also dealt with SGA. He had gone on a mission, and was temple worthy, but in the end, our personalities didn't fit right, not because of his struggle, but just because. I was always a bit curious about his this struggle, which was not hidden from me, but also not openly discussed. It is interesting to read this blog, I feel like this was probably his point of view. Unfortunately now, as we've moved our separate ways, I have married, and he has chosen to fully embrace his attraction. He is not temple worthy anymore, and I'm very sad for him. Your blog however, gives me hope that he will turn back around and get back to the temple. Thanks.

  12. Great post! I'm in a MOM as well, and feel the exact same way.