Monday, December 22, 2014

Are you in this gay/married/mormon boat?

This is a letter I recently received.  I have changed facts and personals because it was sent to me in confidence. I am happy to answer questions at anytime, BTW.  I am not a professional, but I am expert in being gay and being a Mormon -- at the same time.

Dear Cal Thompson:

I came across your blog yesterday in hopes of finding some help/advice with "coming out."  I am 40ish, LDS, married with 4 children.  I'm an active member of the church, I served a mission and have an extensive Mormon heritage.  I have tried so hard all my life to hide the fact that I'm attracted to males but have been unable to hide it any longer as I age -- those thoughts are stronger than ever. 

I have confronted my wife about it because of the anxiety and depression I've been dealing with for quite sometime. She thinks it may due with my difficult up-bringing -- which may be true. 

I have talked with my stake president a couple of times and his advice is to read the scriptures, pray, and always use the priesthood when Satan temps -- not the sort of advice I was looking for because I know to do that but I feel I need counseling or something else. 

I just don't know where to turn for help. I feel I'm headed in a direction that can destroy me and my family. I see that you have come out and also are married with kids.  How do you deal with this?  Do you have any advice?   

This has been the most difficult trial I've had to deal with.  Bitterness and animosity has also set in and its just about to kill me.

Dear reader:

I have a lot of respect for you, and I feel a little unqualified to advise you. But if anyone could it is one who is in the same boat.

I can't tell you why you are gay or what may have contributed to the orientation.  I can tell you this. You are gay. Ta-da!  It is not your imagination and it is not a phase. You will not cure this by going on a mission, getting married or involving yourself in a city league baseball team. There are things you can do to keep the behaviors in check.  Many recommend creating nonsexual relationships with men -- I am sure you have heard this before. 

The longing will remain as will the urges. As you get older, the sexual desire may ebb a bit but it will be augmented with a different sort of longing that is just as intense. 

Some men deal with your situation by masturbating and keeping their feelings to themselves.  This usually involves porn. Some people believe that porn used for this reason is OK. I do not.  However, I am not as firm on an anti-masturbation stance.

You have told your wife, which I feel is a good thing. It sounds like you still have a temple recommend which means that you have not stepped out on her like many in your situation have.  This is also a good thing.  You are honoring the commitments you made.

I am not able to speak directly to you.  For this reason I started this blog years ago so that men in my boat could connect, or at least to know that they are not alone.  The gay Mormon boat seems to have compartmentalized to a point that we think we are alone in steerage.  

I  am confident in this advise:  The Lord is aware of you and your situation. He is not hesitant to speak about it. The Spirit of the Lord will guide you to do what's right.  

What is right may not be what is easiest.  By the same token, it may not be what you think is the hardest.  The spirit will guide you do do what is right for you and for your family. The Spirit will not lead you astray -- like people might. The Spirit is not politically correct.  It does not put stock in man's rules. 

You will need to ask the spirit honest questions.  Frankly, I myself am to old and experienced to be asking that the Lord take this cup from me. I know why the Lord gave me this cup. Ask the Lord what you can do, what you should be learning, how to support your wife -- questions that lead you forward to action. Ask to be able to feel the promptings of the Spirit and the strength to act upon what you are told.

Things will be fair in God's time. God's time is not our time. (my time was 30 years ago) God's time includes the afterlife, and God's plans include concepts that we can not imagine.

God does not play by man's rules either.  He plays by the real rules, and we do not know what those real rules are. The authors of "politically correct and cool" magazine do not know Gods rules either, though they are full up to here with man's wisdom. 

In short, you may not have a choice which boat you are currently in, but there is always a choice in where you go from here.  

When looking at options, find a source of knowledge that has your values and core principals-- ones that work for you, that feel right to you. Keep your mind open to knowledge and wisdom.



  1. As a wife as a gay LDS man, my advice is always to seek out others who desire to truly live the gospel and seek support from them. What are they doing that is and isn't working. Then apply that to you and what feels, by the spirit, right for you.

    For my husband is what accepting that he was gay and then figuring out what he really needed. He needs good and close friendships with men. He needs time with his friends. If life is really stressful, than he has to make sure he has time with his friends. He loves being married and having a family and I think he has found a pretty good balance of being gay, being married to a woman and being a member of the church.

    My husband was very much in the same place as you are, a little over 2 years ago. He has been blogging about it. I don't think he has caught up to where he is but it has many of his journal entries from while he was going through it.

    Also Voices of Hope would be an awesome resource.

    1. Thank you for the comment. There are so many resources available that haven't been available in the past. What a time to be living in!

    2. Thank you for the comments and for the resource

  2. is the blog.