Friday, November 20, 2015

Gay Frankenstein

I saw a bad movie last week that was part horror, part mystery, part thriller, lot's of action and reeeeaally bad. It ends with a voice-over by Frankenstein's monster about why he is what he is. There he stands on a rooftop in a Gothem-like setting and he slowly articulates: "...I, Frankenstein."  Very dramatic. 

I thought I would use his technique here to nail down what I am and how I feel about it. Here goes:

I... gay Mormon dude.  

I have always been a homosexual Mormon man, though the specific age has varied – man child, young man, college man, taxpayer man, and now sorta old ma... never mind. 

The nails... please watch the nails.

By the same token, I have always been a Mormon of the “dyed in the wool, true blue, through and through” variety. I was born into an LDS family and through pain, pride and prayer I have always come back to my Church - sometimes from a great distance, sometimes not. 

I am so proud of my religion that I don’t care what others call it, Mormon, LDS, or Latter-day Saint, nor do I care about the popular misconceptions. I was once asked on my mission if I was embarrassed that the Spanish definition of Mormon in the dictionary was “a polygamous sect”. 

No I wasn’t embarrassed. I was a Mormon, and I knew what it truly meant to be a Mormon.  I was proud of my heritage – regardless of what others thought. With that foundation established it was easier to handle being asked about my wives, responding in a friendly way to "hey you J-dub", or “Hola CIA.”  I even had local ruffians who asked me to put 100 bucks on Honduras in the World Cup with my bookie back in the states.

I have even responded to "that F-ing Mormon" or "F-ing fag" Call me anything these days – as long as you call, and I will tell you how vital to me my membership is in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 

By the same token, my homosexuality – like my religious beliefs, has never been a question for me. I am tall, I am a Mormon, I am slightly arrogant, I like tangy taffy and I am homosexual. My sexual attraction -- regardless of whatever popular semantic has been assigned to it -- has been such from the beginning.

I am proud of who I am. However, you may have noticed that I am writing this blog, and an upcoming book, anonymously. Why do I go by Calvin Thompson and not my real name?  

Frankly, I haven't gone to great lengths to keep my identity private, and anyone who wants to put forth the effort could figure it out in a hurry. Several have figured it out and they keep it to themselves. 

The reason I keep my pseudonym active is because of my family. Family is the reason I don't come out and say that I am gay. I am married to a woman and I have kids and I am faithful to my wife and the covenants I made in the LDS temple.

And yet, I am gay and proud to be what I am -- what god made me. 

I have not always been proud. When I was in college, after serving an honorable mission, I started acting on my urges. For those new to the blog, this means that I had gay sex. I had a lot of gay sex. I could not come to grips with being gay and a Mormon. I thought I had to be one or the other.  

There was no one to advise me and I did my best with what I had. I slept around. I quickly found the underground gay scene at BYU and I became the homecoming queen. I say that with a little laugh, but it almost did me in. 

It's taken me 20 years to function as an adult male in the world. I write this blog so that others in my position -- those who are gay and Mormon and want to keep ties to the LDS church and their religious beliefs -- can do so without the duplicity that would have killed me.

My wife is OK with me writing this blog.  She doesn't read it, and I don't ask her to. Once I have put my book out I will back out of the gay Mormon writing scene altogether. My job will be finished - as far as letting those in my position know that there are options available.

There are, by the way, options available.


  1. Thanks for writing this. We have walked somewhat similar paths. Like you I have a wife and children. Unlike you I never found the underground.

  2. I may speak for Cal when I say that you should be glad you didn't.

  3. "Mormon" isn't what you should be looking up in the dictionary. You should be looking up "cognitive dissonance" instead.

  4. Yet you have your picture up for all to see. And you are going to write a book - anonymously? It seems to me that you might be rather 'obsessed' with all things gay - that seems to be often the case with gay Mormons who are married to the opposite sex - they may not be having gay sex or be in a gay relationship, but they are often speaking, writing, and thinking about it. The gay issue is their mistress for lack of a better way of putting it.