I thought I would use his technique here to nail down what I am and how I feel about it. Here goes:
I... gay Mormon dude.
I have always been a homosexual Mormon man, though the specific age has varied – man child, young man, college man, taxpayer man, and now sorta old ma... never mind.
|The nails... please watch the nails.|
By the same token, I have always been a Mormon of the “dyed in the wool, true blue, through and through” variety. I was born into an LDS family and through pain, pride and prayer I have always come back to my Church - sometimes from a great distance, sometimes not.
I am so proud of my religion that I don’t care what others call it, Mormon, LDS, or Latter-day Saint, nor do I care about the popular misconceptions. I was once asked on my mission if I was embarrassed that the Spanish definition of Mormon in the dictionary was “a polygamous sect”.
No I wasn’t embarrassed. I was a Mormon, and I knew what it truly meant to be a Mormon. I was proud of my heritage – regardless of what others thought. With that foundation established it was easier to handle being asked about my wives, responding in a friendly way to "hey you J-dub", or “Hola CIA.” I even had local ruffians who asked me to put 100 bucks on Honduras in the World Cup with my bookie back in the states.
I have even responded to "that F-ing Mormon" or "F-ing fag" Call me anything these days – as long as you call, and I will tell you how vital to me my membership is in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
By the same token, my homosexuality – like my religious beliefs, has never been a question for me. I am tall, I am a Mormon, I am slightly arrogant, I like tangy taffy and I am homosexual. My sexual attraction -- regardless of whatever popular semantic has been assigned to it -- has been such from the beginning.
I am proud of who I am. However, you may have noticed that I am writing this blog, and an upcoming book, anonymously. Why do I go by Calvin Thompson and not my real name?
Frankly, I haven't gone to great lengths to keep my identity private, and anyone who wants to put forth the effort could figure it out in a hurry. Several have figured it out and they keep it to themselves.
The reason I keep my pseudonym active is because of my family. Family is the reason I don't come out and say that I am gay. I am married to a woman and I have kids and I am faithful to my wife and the covenants I made in the LDS temple.
And yet, I am gay and proud to be what I am -- what god made me.
I have not always been proud. When I was in college, after serving an honorable mission, I started acting on my urges. For those new to the blog, this means that I had gay sex. I had a lot of gay sex. I could not come to grips with being gay and a Mormon. I thought I had to be one or the other.
There was no one to advise me and I did my best with what I had. I slept around. I quickly found the underground gay scene at BYU and I became the homecoming queen. I say that with a little laugh, but it almost did me in.
It's taken me 20 years to function as an adult male in the world. I write this blog so that others in my position -- those who are gay and Mormon and want to keep ties to the LDS church and their religious beliefs -- can do so without the duplicity that would have killed me.
My wife is OK with me writing this blog. She doesn't read it, and I don't ask her to. Once I have put my book out I will back out of the gay Mormon writing scene altogether. My job will be finished - as far as letting those in my position know that there are options available.
There are, by the way, options available.