The Essay Where I Loose Half My Readers.

I don't have to tell you that there are people within the Mormon church (and without I suppose) that are freaked out but the phrase "Gay Mormon Man".

It is a little freaky. Try it for yourself. It will be like the worlds most fruity science fair experiment. Stand in the corner of the relief society room as they are setting up for Sunday school and pretend to be in conversation with someone. Both of you laugh as if something funny was said and as laughter is dying down, one of you mutter loudly "A Gay Mormon Man?", or better yet, "He is Gay?". It will be like hyenas saying "Mufassa" in the elephant grave yard. (See how I play to the stereotypes of musical theatre-loving, semi-intelligent gays for comic effect so you will keep reading?)

Be prepared for a silence worthy of a closet in the temple. There will be stares to rival anything on Housewives of Orange County. There will be weapons drawn, and by weapons, I mean scriptures. Someone may ask to see your recommend. You may loose your cushioned seat in Sacrament meeting. There may be hot glue spilled!

There is much stigma attached to The GMM that is not seen with, say, an alcoholic Elders Quorum President, or kleptomanical ward clerk, or an ex-con hymnal picker-upper. We in the church have a degree of sympathy for the scout leader who cheats on his taxes. But a priesthood guy that wants to touch some dudes butt? Nope. Not gonna happen.

Yes, we have come a long way as a society, and a culture, and as a church. I am seeing much more tolerance for people and their ways than I ever saw growing up - not that my experiences are the standard for Mormon Acceptance of Others. But from what I hear at General Conference, I truly believe that we, the Mormon People, are growing more realistic. The Relief Society president may have a son in jail. Mine did. The bishop's daughter may be hanging out with a bad crowd and have one too many pierced earrings.

It is, I think, becoming acceptable to not be perfect.

Now, there are those that are upset at my comparing Homosexuality to alcoholism, or dis-honesty, or jail, or drug abuse. How dare I make such a comparison? It's because I am an idiot. How offencive. It is so not a even remotely perfect analogy. I will change it as soon as I think of something better.

Yet for now, I dare. It points to the fact that there are some things in life that we are to overcome. I believe living a gay lifestyle to be one. Notice that I don't say that it's Homosexuality we are to overcome. I don't think that is possible. It's the choice to have gay sex. We may chat about this more...if I am not pulled down from my perch and beaten, which may be sooner than I thought. I hear someone at the door...

Remember that I am gay Mormon man. A big one. I yearn sometimes for a mans touch so bad I cry, and not just big 'ol sissy tears cause I'm a fag.

And yet I know that what I think I want is not on the menu. Like drinking. Or stealing. Or any other weakness that is experienced by man.

I can't say as I am terribly thrilled at the thought of living a celibate life style because the Mormon church says that I cant have gay sex; or any sex for that matter outside the bounds of matrimony, which the church has made very clear is between a man and a woman.

You know what else I am not thrilled about? Being fat. Fat does not thrill me. Does it thrill you? "No fats or fems"; it's not part of the gay life. Its not a wanted part of a straight life. I cannot think of one person who, given the choice between being fat or not fat would pick fat.

Would you?

So it's decided. Fat is not for me. I am going to put myself on a diet. No more butter, cause my doctor says I am a butter freak and it ain't doing my gut a bit of good. The thing is... I LOVE BUTTER MORE THAN LIFE IT'S SELF!

That is exactly my Doctors point, by the way. It may be down to that choice. Life or butter.

So, loving life and wanting to stay around awhile to annoy my kids now that they are worth annoying, I will cut back on the butter. It's not fair, I know. My Doctor knows. The french know. Anyone with taste buds knows that life ain't fair without a cube of butter on it. But I have to pick what I want more.

I love gay sex. I want to share that kind of time with a man. It ain't fair that I can't.

I get to make a choice. Do I follow what I believe the lord wants for me, or do I grease up? Lots of butter, I mean.

Its not a perfect analogy, but I can't think of a better one. If I do, I will share it with you.

Sacrifice is giving up something good for something better. Is following the council of the prophets worth not having sex?

Elders Quorum: Stomping Grounds of the Gay Mormon Man

I am getting ready to teach a lesson in my Quorum (group of Mormon men) on the qualities of a priesthood holder. "Priesthood" is what Mormons call the power to act in the name of god. We believe that this power was given to ancient prophets Peter, James and John who received it from Jesus Christ himself. These men gave the power under his direction to Joseph Smith who gave it to worthy members of the LDS church. I received it from my dad, who received it from Spencer W Kimbell, who received it from Heber J Grant, from Brigham Young, from Joseph Smith. It is something we take very seriously. It is something I take seriously.

There is a classic example of how Jesus Christ would have priesthood holders minister to those who are in need. When Peter and John, as was recorded in the book of the Acts of the Apostles of the New Testament, approached a man who had never walked and who was at the gates of the temple, instead of giving him money, the apostle Peter said to him, “Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk.” (Acts 3:6.)

He didn't just give him stuff or drop a dime into his cup - though there is nothing wrong with helping a dude out - don't get me wrong. Peter used the priesthood power which had been given to him to use in the name of Jesus Christ.

Then, Peter took the beggar by the right hand and lifted him up. (Acts 3:7.) Remember that it wasn't enough for Peter to command him to walk. Peter took him by the hand and lifted him up.

As priesthood holders we are to, like the apostle Peter, take those in need by the arm, encourage them, and give them a sense of security and respect for themselves until they can rise above their challenges to stand on their own feet.

The power to act in the name of god, and revelation from god are two of the most important differences between what Mormons believe and what other Christians believe.

Well. There was part of the little sermonette for class.

Sorry.

Anyway, I am preparing for my lesson by cross-referencing a few scriptures so I can appear intelligent. I like looking like I am smart. It is almost as nice as actually being smart. The best is when I look smart, yet caring and tolerant of others who aren't quite as brainy or well informed. What a guy I am.

Here is the list of qualities a priesthood holder strives-for: Patience, Long-Suffering, Gentleness and Meekness, Love Unfeigned, Kindness, Intelligence, Caring Of & For Others, Seeks to Improve the Talents Given, Seeks To Encourage Others,...is this list looking familiar? Mormon men and gay men want to be sensitive. Mormon men and gay men are caring. Mormon men and gay men wear nice suits. OK, that was silly.

The success of priesthood holders is measured in part by a capacity to love others. I am not trying to say that a bunch of men in a room trying to love one another is like being gay, or that one would have to be gay to sit in a room with a bunch of men to learn to love each other. I am saying that there are an awful lot of qualities shared by the two groups.

With one exception.

Mormon men don't have sex outside of marriage.

Caffeine and the Worthy Goal

I am looking at creating a few new year resolutions today. I am trying to approach new year goals with a serious resolve I usually reserve for the scriptures, my CD collection, or desert. Don't laugh. Desert is a serious subject for those who do not drink, smoke, steal or have sex outside of marriage.

A lot of people I know tell me they don't believe in making resolutions for the new year. They believe that they are just setting themselves up for failure by setting a goal that is unobtainable, or one they know they aren't going to keep anyway.

Why set a goal you don't think you can reach? I always think I can reach these goals. That is my charm and my downfall. If I really am serious about a goal, then dang it, I'm gonna get it done! It's my resolve that I question - not my ability.

I believe, due to my exhaustive experience in goal-failing, that success is is really based on attitude. If you, after three days of going without a Diet Coke have a complete and total meltdown and inhale a caffeinated beverage at breakneck speed suffering whiplash in the process, then yes, you screwed up. You recommit to the goal or make a new one. You don't just give up! You don't just say screw it, I can never give up caffeine, so why even try.

How about a goal to loose weight. I would love to loose ten pounds this year. Actually I would like to loose ten pounds this week. So I do well for several days and then, Whammo! I eat an entire Marie Calenders chocolate silk pie with pecan crust. Is it over for me? No freakin way! I will chase it down with a large caffeinated beverage of my choice and try it again tomorrow!

Trying to be moral has been like this for me. Hoard a pie and then a week diet - a really funky cycle that I had to break. Fortunately, the cycle has been broken up to a huge degree for me. I still face challenges, but I have had some huge successes also. Thank God, literally, for successes that keep us in the game.

Remember that failure is never final and caffeine is forever. Keep trying. That is the point that I am not making very well. Make Heavenly Father part of the process, keep a sense of humor, and keep trying.

And hand me a Diet Coke.