Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Essay Where I Loose Half My Readers.

I don't have to tell you that there are people within the Mormon church (and without I suppose) that are freaked out but the phrase "Gay Mormon Man".

It is a little freaky. Try it for yourself. It will be like the worlds most fruity science fair experiment. Stand in the corner of the relief society room as they are setting up for Sunday school and pretend to be in conversation with someone. Both of you laugh as if something funny was said and as laughter is dying down, one of you mutter loudly "A Gay Mormon Man?", or better yet, "He is Gay?". It will be like hyenas saying "Mufassa" in the elephant grave yard. (See how I play to the stereotypes of musical theatre-loving, semi-intelligent gays for comic effect so you will keep reading?)

Be prepared for a silence worthy of a closet in the temple. There will be stares to rival anything on Housewives of Orange County. There will be weapons drawn, and by weapons, I mean scriptures. Someone may ask to see your recommend. You may loose your cushioned seat in Sacrament meeting. There may be hot glue spilled!

There is much stigma attached to The GMM that is not seen with, say, an alcoholic Elders Quorum President, or kleptomanical ward clerk, or an ex-con hymnal picker-upper. We in the church have a degree of sympathy for the scout leader who cheats on his taxes. But a priesthood guy that wants to touch some dudes butt? Nope. Not gonna happen.

Yes, we have come a long way as a society, and a culture, and as a church. I am seeing much more tolerance for people and their ways than I ever saw growing up - not that my experiences are the standard for Mormon Acceptance of Others. But from what I hear at General Conference, I truly believe that we, the Mormon People, are growing more realistic. The Relief Society president may have a son in jail. Mine did. The bishop's daughter may be hanging out with a bad crowd and have one too many pierced earrings.

It is, I think, becoming acceptable to not be perfect.

Now, there are those that are upset at my comparing Homosexuality to alcoholism, or dis-honesty, or jail, or drug abuse. How dare I make such a comparison? It's because I am an idiot. How offencive. It is so not a even remotely perfect analogy. I will change it as soon as I think of something better.

Yet for now, I dare. It points to the fact that there are some things in life that we are to overcome. I believe living a gay lifestyle to be one. Notice that I don't say that it's Homosexuality we are to overcome. I don't think that is possible. It's the choice to have gay sex. We may chat about this more...if I am not pulled down from my perch and beaten, which may be sooner than I thought. I hear someone at the door...

Remember that I am gay Mormon man. A big one. I yearn sometimes for a mans touch so bad I cry, and not just big 'ol sissy tears cause I'm a fag.

And yet I know that what I think I want is not on the menu. Like drinking. Or stealing. Or any other weakness that is experienced by man.

I can't say as I am terribly thrilled at the thought of living a celibate life style because the Mormon church says that I cant have gay sex; or any sex for that matter outside the bounds of matrimony, which the church has made very clear is between a man and a woman.

You know what else I am not thrilled about? Being fat. Fat does not thrill me. Does it thrill you? "No fats or fems"; it's not part of the gay life. Its not a wanted part of a straight life. I cannot think of one person who, given the choice between being fat or not fat would pick fat.

Would you?

So it's decided. Fat is not for me. I am going to put myself on a diet. No more butter, cause my doctor says I am a butter freak and it ain't doing my gut a bit of good. The thing is... I LOVE BUTTER MORE THAN LIFE IT'S SELF!

That is exactly my Doctors point, by the way. It may be down to that choice. Life or butter.

So, loving life and wanting to stay around awhile to annoy my kids now that they are worth annoying, I will cut back on the butter. It's not fair, I know. My Doctor knows. The french know. Anyone with taste buds knows that life ain't fair without a cube of butter on it. But I have to pick what I want more.

I love gay sex. I want to share that kind of time with a man. It ain't fair that I can't.

I get to make a choice. Do I follow what I believe the lord wants for me, or do I grease up? Lots of butter, I mean.

Its not a perfect analogy, but I can't think of a better one. If I do, I will share it with you.

Sacrifice is giving up something good for something better. Is following the council of the prophets worth not having sex?


  1. Wow! (The good kind).
    It's going to take a lot more than that to scare me off.
    PS-- The butter analogy was pretty amusing.

  2. I'm with Mormon Boy, if that is your best shot, then there is smooth sailing.

    I will say one thing about butter, (I know a few things about it, I own a bakery for goodness sakes) the French do love butter and they aren't near as fat as we are, so maybe butter isn't our biggest problem.

  3. Cal!

    But don't most gays have issues with their religion not accepting who they are?

    The last time I checked Christianity wasn't all that accepting of gays. Does the Koran talk highly of homosexuals? Hmmmm......

    What I'm saying is you're not alone in being devout to your faith but not having them accept you being gay.

    Maybe that's one of the reasons I've fallen away from the Catholic Church?

    Oh, and you didn't lose half your readers, you probably gained some by being honest.

    Now go butter some toast, silly!


  4. Re: comparing homosexuality to alcoholism, dishonesty, etc.

    You act like it takes some sort of courage to do this. Heck, any old bigot can and has done the same. The reason why gay people object to it is because it is hateful and demeaning.

    How does one "overcome" being gay? Can it be prayed away? If I am just "good enough" will it eventually lessen or go away? If I'm "good enough" will god eventually take the feeling away from me as a reward in the afterlife? I'm thankful that this type of thinking is rapidly becoming disfavored--even inside the church.

  5. Thanks for the feedback. You missed the point. Gay doesn't go away. If you are gay, then you know this. Does alcoholism go away? Nope. It is managed. It is overcome. Thats the point. We all have issues that we grow from in the overcoming.

  6. No, the point you try to make is based on false assumptions. Alcoholism, dishonesty, jail, drug abuse (the other horrible things you compared being gay to) by themselves are almost always bad. Being gay isn't. Gay isn't something that has to be managed or "overcome" any more than eye color or left handedness.

    I'm still curious though. How does one "overcome" being gay?

  7. Any challenge is over come buy not letting it make the rules. If I am an alcoholic, I choose not to drink or submit myself to the consequences that drinking may bring. If I am a klepto, then I choose not to take what isn't mine and stay out of jail. Overcoming any obstacle first means that you consider it an obstacle. If you wish to be a part of what the LDS church brings to the table, then homosexuality is an Obstacle. It is an obstacle for me and for a populace group. It sounds like it isn't for you. I would never put you down because you are going someplace different than where I am going, or pick to act in a way that I do not pick. Also,there are no false assumptions. Just ones that you do not agree with.

  8. With butter, you CAN have a little, and go on a five mile run to negate the consequences. Gay sex? Not so much. There's no five mile run equivalent to hooking up in the gym showers with the hottie on the weight bench.
    Stick with the butter. Just eat less of it. (Have you ever tried Plugra?)

  9. I LOVE BUTTER! That's it. I just had to say it. I also like that someone is speaking their mind without screaming "sinners!" to the rest.