Friday, January 15, 2010

The Wisdom of Monty Python - Honorary SSA Mormon

One of the brighter moments in an otherwise brilliantly conceived film - right up there with "The Producers" and "Saturday's Warrior". OK, maybe not "Saturdays Warrior"- though I still want to be Tod Richards

I don't do logic. I mean that I would like to be the guy who could go from A to B to C in an organized way. I tend to go from Nick at Night to the history channel to KBYU willy-nilly. Algebra and Calculus did me in. I went the foreign language route for graduation instead. I'm not so good at arguing any point to a logical conclusion. I have kids - nuf said. Most of the time I try to get as much information as I can and then make a decision based on my guts - and whatever I ate that day.

Most people say that you can't be a gay man and a Mormon. I can't argue with them. All I can say is that I am both. The next argument is that I can't be really gay. Oh, Honey. I would like to see this gay-o-meter they judge me by. I would be right up there with Ms. Garland, Bree and swarovski crystals.

It sounds logical, if you do the logic thing, that if you are gay then what you profess to believe concerning Mormonism can't possibly be true, that if I accept myself as gay then I have to accept that what the Mormon Prophet teaches is wrong.

That I am Gay and Mormon is not an unfathomable conundrum. Nor is it an oxymoron (or oxymormon) The LDS church is true. It's teachings are correct.

Also, I am Gay. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I remember watching Monti Python's Search for the Holy Grail. As a gay man, I know the musical version of it inside-out as it was "lovingly ripped off" from the movie. Toward the beginning there is a group of townsfolk who have captured an elusive witch, who is being blamed for societies ills. To prove that this poor girl, with a carrot tied onto her face to elongate her nose, is indeed a witch and not just the bakers wife from next door, there is used some dubious-at best-logic.

Is she a witch? "YES" the smelly townsfolk scream.
How do you know? "Because she turned me into a neut". The crowd stares at the man.

I got better! he back-peddles.

No! We must prove she is a which! How do we do this? Witches are made of wood! Therefore, if she floats, she is a which! They proceed to dunk the soggy woman into the pond.

Now, whats a girl to do? If she doesn't float, then she is not a witch and gets to live, excepting that she is drowned in the process. If she comes up for air like a good non-which, then she is burned at the stake - her reward for having to breath.

So here is some current popular logic: The Mormon church doesn't believe in gays. You can't be gay and be Mormon. If you claim to be SSA and you still have a temple recommend, you are a liar or you're not really gay.

Boy does this open an other can of worms. Lets eat some.

1. First of all, the Mormon church does believe in gays. They believe that we exist. We are here and we are to speak. They know this. The whole argument whittles down to this. One cannot live a gay lifestyle, i.e have gay sex and have a temple recommend as a member of the church in good standing. Let me clarify. One cam be homosexual and hold a temple recommend. One can not have gay sex without going through the repentance process and hold a temple recommend.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your point of view, this is not a huge issue with those having gay sex. Most of those doing so are not terribly concerned with their membership in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints.

However, there are an increasing few that do care. The LDS guideline - simplified - is that being gay is not a sin. Having sex outside the bounds of marriage is the sin. Therefore, a life lived as a gay man in the church would be sexless - meaning, and let me be clear on this - no sex.

Including masturbation.

Now, for the sake of brief humor, I would be fearful to see the image you have of me at this point. Either you see me as a wonderful strong and virtuous Nephi-dude with good legs and the self control of a stripling warrior robot, or you see me as a gosh-darn untruth teller

I am neither. I can not, nor would ever write a claim that implied that never have I never M-worded. I can talk about this because I am not a GA or an official representative of the church. I am a Mormon man.

Indeed I have. Not as much now as when I was, say 14 through 30 with a two year break (of which I am very proud). To imply that I don't masturbate currently would be wrong for me also, though I don't want the focus of this to focus on that. For, me, and maybe for you, it happens. There have been times when a moment to myself has kept me out of bigger and better trouble when I was feeling week. I suppose a better man than I would say "Never!" and mean that it was his motto, too. I wish I was a better man. But I ain't'.

Anyway, the point is, if you have feelings of homosexuality, you generally can not act on them and retain membership in the Lords church.

If membership in the Lords church is important to you, then, guess what? If you decide that sex is more important to you, then, guess what?

So, no gay sex for me. I have made up my mind. This means that the gay Mormon man is going to have a life reminiscence of the dreaded knight of Monty pythons black forest - with hands and feet cut off down to nothing waiting for the after life for our reward. Is that what the lord asks of us?

How full and christian a life can you have if you deny this part of a god given ability?

Pretty damn full, I say.

And your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!

The Wisdom Of Monty Python - Honorary SSA Mormon


  1. Oh, okay I have a small point, hope not to offend but there is in my opinion a hole in yours or the church's premise on being gay. First of all, straight men are defining it so we can hardly expect it to be 100% fitting. Even "divine" revelation comes through mere mortals. To reduce sexual orientation to the sex act is innacurate to say the least. You speak of giving up butter or other favorites as if it were analogus to gay sex but your not addressing the leftovers...all the stuff besided sex that defines us as gay. Another thing, though our st8 counter parts in the church are expected to keep the sexual aspects of their orientations in check until marriage, they are given sanctioned room to explore and even encouraged in "appropriate" outlets i.e. behavior, dating, discussions in short they are wrapped in support and teachings coaxing them to a full and rewarding expression of their sexuality. Gays are given no such consideration. Because the Gay sex act is the whole thing, once you accept you cannot have it, you are just like your str8 counterpart. Forget that we relate to men, are attracted to them seek out their company, blossom in their attentions and yes lust for them, to the str8 men who consider us and how we might conform to their world, we are reduced to a sex act. An ugly sin to be given up or better yet avoided in the first place, a thing freely and commonly lumped in with addictions, or "obstacles" to be overcome

    You've added a few stereotypes beyond the "Sex act" that you consider defining you as gay: showtunes, babs, knowing how to rock an outfit but really, many of these hyper traits would cease once Gays are mainstreamed. I can explain maybe another time; there are certainly volumes of studies on the phenomenon but it's off point. I would just hope to give you more to consider while you neatly sacrifice yourself for your better good. You are more than a sex act, just as your straight brothers and sisters are. It is easy to disect Gays, reduce us to our most vulgar aspects and define us as unnatural or unworthy of equal footing, we could certainly do the same to str8s if I focused only on their sex acts. I'm not seeking to change your mind, but I hate to see anyone so diminished and painted into a corner, whether by themselves or others. Remember even if they (prophets, GA's, Bishops, Scriptures) are wrong about this whole thing, they have a perfect out: Article of faith 9: We believe all that God has revealed, all that he does now reveal, and we believe that he will YET reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

    They have the luxury of being wrong, their lives aren't on hold in any way while waiting for the revelation that gives them worth. Gays are not so fortunate. And in your case, it just might have to wait for a next life.

  2. MP's right. I apologize for "Anonymous" of 8:07 folks. I'm sure he meant well. It might not be a cheesy at it sounded.- Cal

  3. I agree with Mr. Thomp, and with Mr. Perry both. Thank you for the blog, and thank heaven there are people like you with the courage to say what's in your heart.

  4. Masterbation? at least somebody brought it up (no pun Intended) without being vulgar. I do it. I think it keeps me out of trouble. This is a good blogspot Cal. God Bless!

  5. I wanted to be Tod Richards, too!

  6. Who is Tod Richards? Why doesn't he google? Good blog. good reading. sounds like a lot of thought goes into this.

  7. Tod Richards is a character from Saturday's Warrior - an LDS musical about a Mormon family and their struggles on Earth