The Wisdom of Monty Python - Honorary SSA Mormon

One of the brighter moments in an otherwise brilliantly conceived film - right up there with "The Producers" and "Saturday's Warrior". OK, maybe not "Saturdays Warrior"- though I still want to be Tod Richards

I don't do logic. I mean that I would like to be the guy who could go from A to B to C in an organized way. I tend to go from Nick at Night to the history channel to KBYU willy-nilly. Algebra and Calculus did me in. I went the foreign language route for graduation instead. I'm not so good at arguing any point to a logical conclusion. I have kids - nuf said. Most of the time I try to get as much information as I can and then make a decision based on my guts - and whatever I ate that day.

Most people say that you can't be a gay man and a Mormon. I can't argue with them. All I can say is that I am both. The next argument is that I can't be really gay. Oh, Honey. I would like to see this gay-o-meter they judge me by. I would be right up there with Ms. Garland, Bree and swarovski crystals.

It sounds logical, if you do the logic thing, that if you are gay then what you profess to believe concerning Mormonism can't possibly be true, that if I accept myself as gay then I have to accept that what the Mormon Prophet teaches is wrong.

That I am Gay and Mormon is not an unfathomable conundrum. Nor is it an oxymoron (or oxymormon) The LDS church is true. It's teachings are correct.

Also, I am Gay. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I remember watching Monti Python's Search for the Holy Grail. As a gay man, I know the musical version of it inside-out as it was "lovingly ripped off" from the movie. Toward the beginning there is a group of townsfolk who have captured an elusive witch, who is being blamed for societies ills. To prove that this poor girl, with a carrot tied onto her face to elongate her nose, is indeed a witch and not just the bakers wife from next door, there is used some dubious-at best-logic.

Is she a witch? "YES" the smelly townsfolk scream.
How do you know? "Because she turned me into a neut". The crowd stares at the man.

I got better! he back-peddles.

No! We must prove she is a which! How do we do this? Witches are made of wood! Therefore, if she floats, she is a which! They proceed to dunk the soggy woman into the pond.

Now, whats a girl to do? If she doesn't float, then she is not a witch and gets to live, excepting that she is drowned in the process. If she comes up for air like a good non-which, then she is burned at the stake - her reward for having to breath.

So here is some current popular logic: The Mormon church doesn't believe in gays. You can't be gay and be Mormon. If you claim to be SSA and you still have a temple recommend, you are a liar or you're not really gay.

Boy does this open an other can of worms. Lets eat some.

1. First of all, the Mormon church does believe in gays. They believe that we exist. We are here and we are ...so to speak. They know this. The whole argument whittles down to this. One cannot live a gay lifestyle, i.e have gay sex and have a temple recommend as a member of the church in good standing. Let me clarify. One cam be homosexual and hold a temple recommend. One can not have gay sex without going through the repentance process and hold a temple recommend.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your point of view, this is not a huge issue with those having gay sex. Most of those doing so are not terribly concerned with their membership in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints.

However, there are an increasing few that do care. The LDS guideline - simplified - is that being gay is not a sin. Having sex outside the bounds of marriage is the sin. Therefore, a life lived as a gay man in the church would be sexless - meaning, and let me be clear on this - no sex.

Including masturbation.

Now, for the sake of brief humor, I would be fearful to see the image you have of me at this point. Either you see me as a wonderful strong and virtuous Nephi-dude with good legs and the self control of a stripling warrior robot, or you see me as a gosh-darn untruth teller

I am neither. I can not, nor would ever write a claim that implied that never have I never M-worded. I can talk about this because I am not a GA or an official representative of the church. I am a Mormon man.

Indeed I have. Not as much now as when I was, say 14 through 30 with a two year break (of which I am very proud). To imply that I don't masturbate currently would be wrong for me also, though I don't want the focus of this to focus on that. For, me, and maybe for you, it happens. There have been times when a moment to myself has kept me out of bigger and better trouble when I was feeling week. I suppose a better man than I would say "Never!" and mean that it was his motto, too. I wish I was a better man. But I ain't'.

Anyway, the point is, if you have feelings of homosexuality, you generally can not act on them and retain membership in the Lords church.

If membership in the Lords church is important to you, then, guess what? If you decide that sex is more important to you, then, guess what?

So, no gay sex for me. I have made up my mind. This means that the gay Mormon man is going to have a life reminiscence of the dreaded knight of Monty pythons black forest - with hands and feet cut off down to nothing waiting for the after life for our reward. Is that what the lord asks of us?

How full and christian a life can you have if you deny this part of a god given ability?

Pretty damn full, I say.

And your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!

The Wisdom Of Monty Python - Honorary SSA Mormon