Wednesday, January 13, 2010

This is a picture of my couch.

Couch happens to me sometimes - as in sleeping on the - much like an episode of Bewitched, only Endora isn't floating in the corner of the room out to get me.

It doesn't happen to me often enough that I have a “me” indentation in the living room sofa, but I am thinking about painting the living room ceiling with stars or something calming for those stressful days.

It's early in the am my kids want to watch TV cartoons. They ask me if it's OK. They wake me up to ask me if its OK. I say yes. Do I have a choice? “No, honey, Daddy was up arguing with mommy about why she isn't enough woman to satisfy her man. Now let daddy sleep.”

So I say sure, honey. Watch cartoons. See how life is from watching Scooby Doo. The bad guys get it in the end and the good guys never want to. Get it in the end, I mean.

I hate arguing with my wife about me being gay. Most of the time we just ignore it. But I am having a hell of a time getting it up these days. I try to be a loving husband and do all the things a loving husband does, and for the most part I do OK. I am a decent provider, I am more kind than I am unkind, I treat the kids well, I clean and do laundry and do dishes and landscape the yard and paint and sweep the floors and do things with the family and with her. Somehow, my being gay is an assault to her ego. It hurts me when she takes the responsibility for me being gay personally. As if, somehow, she is not enough.

How do I tell her that she is enough? It's just that I am attracted to men. It wasn't something I choose, but I live with it daily. So does she. I tell her that I truly believe that my spirit is not gay, but my body is. When I tell her that, there is something inside of me that tells me it is true.
I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice. We did walk into this marriage with eyes wide open. She has issues also. Completely different issues. I was willing to take hers on, and she was willing to take on mine because I loved her and she loved me. We forget that sometimes.

But can anyone not dealing with SSA know what they are getting into?

I do not currently have sex with men. I have not been with a man for the time we have been married. I don't seek it out, I don't chat, I don't do porno as a rule – though I have slipped on that goal a time or two. I sometimes masturbate, but I do it privately and not during dinner time and it doesn't keep anybody awake. I stay away from inappropriate relationships and conversations. Why am I not enough?

So, sometimes she finds me not-so-hot in the sack. Is that much different from straight couples who have been married for 15 years? Are they always hot and ready?

I took this from my journal from awhile back. Sometimes,when I am preaching about the straight and narrow, as it were, I sound like I am superman and my wife is a wonder of a woman.

It just ain't so. I have the same problems as do my friends both straight and gay. Marriage is tough enough without the pride parade that is my life. Sometimes it's worse than others. Sometimes it's great. I've been told that as long as the good times are more frequent that the bad, it's worth it.

It's worth it. Now let me sleep.


  1. my wife & I went into our marriage with eyes wide open as well - I have my issues & she has her's. I like guys & she likes guys. what's the problem??? I made a rule at starting gate, I WILL ALWAYS SLEEP IN MY BED - PERIOD. If we fight & she wants to go elsewhere - have at it but I WILL ALWAYS SLEEP IN MY BED - PERIOD! :)

    we just found your site. YOUR a butter lover. We might have been seperated at birth. Our fave is Amish roll butter from whole foods. But alas, it's been ripped from our lives as well. I miss it...

  2. Wow, this is pretty honest stuff, Kudos, I didn't expect that either. I respect this.

  3. Nice post. I think all marriage is hard. Sometimes our wives just need to realize how lucky they are to have such amazing husbands :)

  4. ummm. yeah.
    glad all you flamers have a safe place to beat your shaven chests. :)
    (I'm mnj's wife)

  5. I don't think anyone really thinks your beating you chest or putting the wife down. Its a bit painful - I see myself in this blog. Thanks for letting me know I not alone.

  6. Cal, thanx for becoming my friend on Facebook. I wish you continued success in your struggle, and admire you for being open and honest about it. Thank you for sharing it with others. For those on a similar path, it may give hope. For those looking in from the outside, it may give greater understanding. ~hug~


  7. Your story kills me, Cal. On the one hand, I feel bad for you. I can see into my future and guess that, if I were ever to get married, that's exactly how it would be for me. But on the other hand, I think I can see it from your wife's perspective. Marriage scares the hell out of me. It really does. But I hope yours goes well, Cal... for both our sakes...