Gay Mormon Man / PriesthoodMen: Should I come out?

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Should I come out?

A week or so ago was coming out day. I would come out except everyone already knows that I am a Mormon.

As I am sure you are familiar if you have read much on this blog, I am a gay man. I am Mormon, active and honest with my bishop, and I have a temple recommend that I got the right way. My wife knows about me -- probably more about me than I would choose to have anyone know about me. There is a certain freedom to that. There is also a certain horror to that.

I have often considered what it means to come out as a gay man. Generally, I have great admiration for those who come out -- letting everyone know what they are about -- at least sexually.

I remember the media coverage when Ellen came out. I remember how her sitcom went from pretty decent ratings to the cellar in a month. I would like to think it was because the writing suddenly tanked, but it was because she had come out as gay. Even my liberal friends said at the time that they felt the show was all about her gay-ness and they weren't interested.

Now, there is nothing hidden. Her spouse is on the show every once in a while, and there is no mincing around. Ellen is a Lesbian, and she makes no apologies. If you don't like it, then good for you and she doesn't care.

I like the show and I like her and I wish she would have me on the show as a Marmoho -- a married Mormon homo -- worthy of tickets to Disneyland and 5000 spending money to get my teeth fixed.

Which raises a question. Would I come out as my real name instead of Cal Thompson, pseudonym of the buff and brainy whatever-my real-name is?

This may be the day for it. I have written a book about my experience with homosexuality and the Mormon church that I feel would be a benefit to everyone involved, and It may have a bit more umphh to it if I used my real name so people could put a name to a mediocre face. I am certainly strong enough to deal with whatever would come my way, and my kids are almost grown and out of the home, so that may not be an issue either.

I would love to be able to show that I have a viewpoint and I am strong and I am gay and I believe in the Mormon Church thoroughly and that I am married and plan on staying that way.

It's not all that rare this day and age, but not a lot of people talk about it, so few know how common that it is.

Here is the major drawback. My wife doesn't want the world in her bedroom, and the world would be in our bedroom if I came out. I don't know how to talk about my "stuff" without it having to do with her "stuff".

Until then, the day that my outing won't effect her may be some time coming. (What if I came out and then my wife and I moved to Rigby Idaho?)

4 comments:

AnonymousOctober 18, 2014 at 5:36 PM
As a fellow marmoho, I have often wondered about coming out to anyone other than my wife, but I can't really come up with a good reason. Before getting married (to my wife), I dated a few different guys and then decided that I actually want to stay active, marry a woman, and raise children. At one point while I was dating guys I told my mother and one of my many siblings I was gay, but no one else - it just didn't seem that it was that important or anyone else's business. I was up front with my wife about everything early on in our dating relationship, it was very difficult for her to understand, but the reality was that I loved her and was (and am) attracted to her. (sidenote: as you know attraction for men does not go away just because I got married, but my wife small into that small category of women that I have met that are breathtakingly gorgeous, to whom I am attracted). Now that I've been married for almost a decade with a bunch of little kids and I'm serving in a bishopric, I just don't think it would make a difference to tell anyone - oh, BTW I am also attracted to dudes. What would their reaction be? - - Are you attracted to your wife? Yes. Are you staying active in church? Yes, I plan on it. Oh, okay, well good to know, thanks. What is the point? Thoughts?
ReplyDelete
Replies
UnknownOctober 19, 2014 at 2:08 AM
Out gay man here, married to my husband, and thus post Mormon. While I respect that the decision about whether or not to come out is a very personal one, I, for one, believe we are all better off when people are open and honest about who they are. If Mormons realized how many LGBTQ folks are among them then maybe the Church might become a more welcoming place, regardless of whether I'm a gay man married to a man or in a mixed orientation marriage. Would not such an LDS Church be a more Christ-like place? By staying silent don't you become complicit in making the Church less welcoming to LGBTQ folks? While still in the closet I have sat in priesthood meetings when no one imagined a gay man was in the room and have heard some awful (and misinformed) things said about LGBTQ people. This is why I think coming out would be a good thing.
ReplyDelete
Replies
AdonOctober 21, 2014 at 3:15 PM
Wow, you stated the exact position I am in. I too yearn to "out" but am bound to silence. I wished I had an answer to this dilemma.... Adon at www.forever-silent.blogspot.com
ReplyDelete
Replies
AnonymousOctober 21, 2014 at 5:13 PM
I understand your delima. However, I would take Rigby of of the table. Have you ever been there? I don't doubt your sincerity, just your taste.
ReplyDelete
Replies

Add comment

I order to better understand one another, I think it would be wise to understand the terms used in these essays. What I propose is an Examination for Discovery, which is briefly a meeting of the opposing sides in a lawsuit where the plaintiff and defendant, with their attorneys, meet to examine each others claims and see whether they can find some area of agreement and thus save the time of the court later on. This is assuming that there is common ground, and I believe that even the most cynical of us would agree that there is.

It will be hard to understand one another if you think blue is periwinkle and I think blue is turquoise. I know that the differences may not be a big deal - between periwinkle and turquoise - but I think its best to be incredibly clear. We both may disagree on what blue is, but, for purposes of communication, we will use the terms as listed here - adding when needed.

Of coarse they may be subject to change and/or refinement with experience and further knowledge – and with feedback. Being that this is a blog and not a diatribe, I get to lead I suppose.

List of Common Terms On Which We May Agree
or Agree To Agree On For Sake of Discussion*

For sensitivity reasons we wanted to run this list past my Gramma Ruby, which would have been really helpful not to mention miraculous because she died at an Elizabeth Dole Rally in Boise)

Active: 1) A lifestyle characterized by frequent or various social, intellectual, and particularly physical activities; 2) In geology, a volcano which erupts regularly; 3) A member of the LDS Church who is often seen carrying brownies, scriptures or children back and forth to Church.

Affirmation: 1) A positive assertion. 2) An organization for LDS homosexuals and the people that love them, but not affiliated or supported by the LDS Church.

Sentence: Falling off of the stage was the affirmation she needed to confirm the universality of gravity.

Acronyms: SGA, SGB, SGI SGA: Same Gender (sexual) Attraction SGB: Same Gender (sexual) Behavior SGI: Same Gender (gay) Identity

OGA, OGB, OGI OGA: Opposite Gender (sexual) attraction OGB: Opposite Gender (sexual) behavior OGI: Opposite Gender (heterosexual) identity.

Sentence: The LDS SGA think OGA from ID, WO and MT dress like the NFL.

Beehive: 1) Home to bees, 2) A height-positive sixties hair style which many Mormon women continued to wear through the seventies and into late nineties and early 00’s with a slight revamp; 3) Young woman’s organization of girls who can’t drive yet.

Bisexual: 1) A sexual behavior or an orientation involving physical, mental or romantic attraction to both males and females.

Choice: 1) A decision between two or more option, and often referred to as free agency, personal rights and freedom.

Sentence: The choice for Juan Carlo was to either be eaten alive by the anaconda or jump from the boat into the mouth of the hungry crocodile.

Church: 1) An identifiable religious body under a common name; 2) a physical structure often equipped with a satellite dish, food warming area and an indoor basketball court.

Sentence: The ambulance and two squad cars were sent to the ball game at the Church between the elders and the priests due to last year’s “incident.”

Closet: 1) Upright storage space for clothing; 2) Slang reference to the status of an individual wishing to remain private about his/her sex life and who hasn’t acknowledged their SGA feelings yet to friends and family members.

Sentence: He had been in the closet so long he smelled like cedar and old shoes.

Coming Out: 1) The act of leaving a building or structure. 2) The process of telling people about one’s homosexuality is often referred to as coming out.

Sentence: “It’s just not coming out”, muttered Sister Macbeth as she compulsively applied spot remover.

Conversion therapy, or reparative therapy or reorientation therapy: 1) A type of sexual orientation change effort that attempts to change the sexual orientation of a person from homosexual or bisexual to heterosexual. In the past techniques have included psychoanalytic group therapy involving aversive conditioning, electric shock or nausea-inducing drugs, and may have included sex therapy. Today there seems to be a more subtle and genteel approach which is being met with more success,

Down Low or DL : 1)This term means different things to different people, however generally it connotes dishonesty and hiding. 2) A term for men who discreetly have sex with other men while in marital relationships with women. Often these men do not consider themselves homosexual or bisexual, and their female partners are generally not aware of these infidelities.

Ex-Gay: Term for those who have experienced SGAttraction and who, for religious or other reasons, have chosen not to embrace a gay identity, or to engage in SGA behavior.

Family Group Sheets: 1) Forms used in annotating genealogy; 2) Money saving tactics for Mormon families at bedtime.

Sentence: Laverne and Lavelle grab your sister and a family group sheet and get you off to bed.

Families are Forever: 1) LDS catch phrase originating in the early eighties - referring to the belief that temple sealed families created on earth can move into the next life together. 2) The prevalent attitude after two weeks of dealing with the new in-laws.

Sentence: Did you hear our new sister-in-law-sing the Duran-Duran Medley? Are families really forever?

Folk Doctrine: 1) Doctrines that develop from prevailing rumor.

Sentence: Three stakes in Pocatello have been asked to spear-head a pilot program for the Churches new Work and Glory aerobics program.

Gay: 1) A happy and joyful method of celebrating holidays often sung about in English Carols and Fred Astaire films. 2) A common term for an individual attracted to their same gender. Gay has been a widely used synonym of "male homosexual." Its meaning is rapidly evolving to refer to both male and female homosexuals. Some people differentiate between homosexual and gay: homosexual is regarded as a sexual orientation; gay is a political identity -- i.e. an advocate for equal rights for persons of all sexual orientations

Sentence: Sister Fellows always regretted naming her eldest son after her favorite uncle, Gaylord.

Gender: 1) The set of characteristics that distinguish between female and male members of a species. It is often used interchangeably with the word "sex" denoting the condition of being male or female.

Sentence: “But, Julie,” Cal whined, “I simply don’t have an inoffensive sentence for the word gender.”

Genealogy: 1) An activity Mormons do happily while praying to hook up with a distant relative who has done all the work.

Sentence: Brother The-Hun was a bit disturbed when his grandma showed him his genealogy line went directly to some guy named Attila.

Heterosexual: 1) People whose emotional, sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for those of the opposite sex or having to do with opposite sex attraction.

Homophobia: 1) An irrational fear, prejudice or discrimination towards homosexuals. Homophobia can take many forms, from name-calling and teasing to serious crimes like assault and murder. Homophobia like other irrational fears is most often based on ignorance.

Homosexual: 1) People whose emotional, sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for those of the same sex or having to do with same sex attraction.

In: See out.

Last days: 1) A horrific time of floods, famines, political strife and food storage eating – much like yesterday.

Sentence: The last days of a back to school sale appear to be frequented by women on a weekend pass from the state hospital.

Lesbian: Term to describe sexual and romantic desire between females.

Lifestyle: The term lifestyle (as in gay lifestyle) has become a polarizing term though used by gay and lesbian people in the past. “Those in the lifestyle” usually means “those who identify as gay", though it may refer to behavior as well as identity - much as LDS lifestyle would mean those living the teachings or of the culture, or East Coast Lifestyle may refer to black turtle necks, bookstores and apartment living.

Many are called, but few are chosen: 1) What I keep telling myself when I am asked to be on the ward activities committee again.

Mixed Marriage: For our purposes here, a union between one of “heterosexual” orientation with one dealing with SGA.

Out: See in.

Prophet: 1) A man called of God who holds the keys to direct the Church and to speak for Jesus Christ. The President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a chosen prophet, seer and revelator.

SSA: 1) Acronym for Same Sex Attraction. The LDS Church prefers SGA, (which I always thought stood for Star Gate Atlantis reruns) but actually means Same Gender Attraction. SSA and SGA are terms not highly favored among the gay community. Neither, for that matter, is the phrase “gay community”.

Sentence: ST-TNG and SGA are playing all week on SI-FI.

Sin: To behave in a manner that is contrary to the revealed commandments of God.

Transgendered: A designation of person whose identity does not conform to conventional notions of male or female gender roles.

Quotes, Quotation Marks: Tool used to set apart a word or phrase. For our purposes here, generally speaking, using quotation marks to denote words such as “gay” or “homosexual” is offensive. If you are not comfortable with using a term from the “so-called other side”, then it is recommended that a substitute which doesn't involve quote marks is found.

Sentence: I am offended that “he” just used quotations on the phrase other side.

Straight: 1) A direction which veers neither to the left or the right. 2) A slang term used in the place of heterosexual.

Sentence: The geography club, Straights of Magellan is not accepting new members.

Strait is the gate and narrow is the way: 1) Popular scripture quote used to encourage righteous living and weight loss.

Tithing: 1) One tenth of one’s income donated voluntarily to the LDS Church for upkeep and needed things.

Sentence: Ten percent of nothing is still nothing.

Urim and Thummim: 1) Tool used by Joseph Smith to translate the Book of Mormon. 2) What I wish I had to understand my kids text messages.

Wickedness Never Was Happiness: 1) What Cal’s first missionary companion in the MTC from Macon Georga wrote on his left bicep with a sharpie when visas to Central America didn’t come through on time. 2) Comment made by those on their way to Church when a boat or motor-home pulls up in the next lane of traffic.

This is a blog for Mormon SSA* men who wish to follow the teachings of the LDS church while owning their Homosexuality. It can be done! This blog-spot is written by a sort-of smart gay man who is a card-carrying member of the LDS church and hopes to remain so. He will remain so by following the teachings of the prophets. His motto for today is "Many a true word spoken in jest," and he will try to not be so charming.

Mr. Thompson thinks he knows just about everything. Lately, it has been proposed that he may, in actuality, not. He is trying to be open to that thought.