Gay Mormon Man / PriesthoodMen: Are you in this gay/married/mormon boat?

Monday, December 22, 2014

Are you in this gay/married/mormon boat?

This is a letter I recently received. I have changed facts and personals because it was sent to me in confidence. I am happy to answer questions at anytime, BTW. I am not a professional, but I am expert in being gay and being a Mormon -- at the same time.

Dear Cal Thompson:

I came across your blog yesterday in hopes of finding some help/advice with "coming out." I am 40ish, LDS, married with 4 children. I'm an active member of the church, I served a mission and have an extensive Mormon heritage. I have tried so hard all my life to hide the fact that I'm attracted to males but have been unable to hide it any longer as I age -- those thoughts are stronger than ever.

I have confronted my wife about it because of the anxiety and depression I've been dealing with for quite sometime. She thinks it may due with my difficult up-bringing -- which may be true.

I have talked with my stake president a couple of times and his advice is to read the scriptures, pray, and always use the priesthood when Satan temps -- not the sort of advice I was looking for because I know to do that but I feel I need counseling or something else.

I just don't know where to turn for help. I feel I'm headed in a direction that can destroy me and my family. I see that you have come out and also are married with kids. How do you deal with this? Do you have any advice?

This has been the most difficult trial I've had to deal with. Bitterness and animosity has also set in and its just about to kill me.

Dear reader:

I have a lot of respect for you, and I feel a little unqualified to advise you. But if anyone could it is one who is in the same boat.

I can't tell you why you are gay or what may have contributed to the orientation. I can tell you this. You are gay. Ta-da! It is not your imagination and it is not a phase. You will not cure this by going on a mission, getting married or involving yourself in a city league baseball team. There are things you can do to keep the behaviors in check. Many recommend creating nonsexual relationships with men -- I am sure you have heard this before.

The longing will remain as will the urges. As you get older, the sexual desire may ebb a bit but it will be augmented with a different sort of longing that is just as intense.

Some men deal with your situation by masturbating and keeping their feelings to themselves. This usually involves porn. Some people believe that porn used for this reason is OK. I do not. However, I am not as firm on an anti-masturbation stance.

You have told your wife, which I feel is a good thing. It sounds like you still have a temple recommend which means that you have not stepped out on her like many in your situation have. This is also a good thing. You are honoring the commitments you made.

I am not able to speak directly to you. For this reason I started this blog years ago so that men in my boat could connect, or at least to know that they are not alone. The gay Mormon boat seems to have compartmentalized to a point that we think we are alone in steerage.

I am confident in this advise: The Lord is aware of you and your situation. He is not hesitant to speak about it. The Spirit of the Lord will guide you to do what's right.

What is right may not be what is easiest. By the same token, it may not be what you think is the hardest. The spirit will guide you do do what is right for you and for your family. The Spirit will not lead you astray -- like people might. The Spirit is not politically correct. It does not put stock in man's rules.

You will need to ask the spirit honest questions. Frankly, I myself am to old and experienced to be asking that the Lord take this cup from me. I know why the Lord gave me this cup. Ask the Lord what you can do, what you should be learning, how to support your wife -- questions that lead you forward to action. Ask to be able to feel the promptings of the Spirit and the strength to act upon what you are told.

Things will be fair in God's time. God's time is not our time. (my time was 30 years ago) God's time includes the afterlife, and God's plans include concepts that we can not imagine.

God does not play by man's rules either. He plays by the real rules, and we do not know what those real rules are. The authors of "politically correct and cool" magazine do not know Gods rules either, though they are full up to here with man's wisdom.

In short, you may not have a choice which boat you are currently in, but there is always a choice in where you go from here.

When looking at options, find a source of knowledge that has your values and core principals-- ones that work for you, that feel right to you. Keep your mind open to knowledge and wisdom.

4 comments:

AnonymousDecember 22, 2014 at 6:48 PM
As a wife as a gay LDS man, my advice is always to seek out others who desire to truly live the gospel and seek support from them. What are they doing that is and isn't working. Then apply that to you and what feels, by the spirit, right for you.

For my husband is what accepting that he was gay and then figuring out what he really needed. He needs good and close friendships with men. He needs time with his friends. If life is really stressful, than he has to make sure he has time with his friends. He loves being married and having a family and I think he has found a pretty good balance of being gay, being married to a woman and being a member of the church.

My husband was very much in the same place as you are, a little over 2 years ago. He has been blogging about it. I don't think he has caught up to where he is but it has many of his journal entries from while he was going through it.

Also Voices of Hope would be an awesome resource.
http://ldsvoicesofhope.org/voices.php
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AnonymousDecember 22, 2014 at 6:49 PM
http://findingstrengthofwill.blogspot.com is the blog.
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I order to better understand one another, I think it would be wise to understand the terms used in these essays. What I propose is an Examination for Discovery, which is briefly a meeting of the opposing sides in a lawsuit where the plaintiff and defendant, with their attorneys, meet to examine each others claims and see whether they can find some area of agreement and thus save the time of the court later on. This is assuming that there is common ground, and I believe that even the most cynical of us would agree that there is.

It will be hard to understand one another if you think blue is periwinkle and I think blue is turquoise. I know that the differences may not be a big deal - between periwinkle and turquoise - but I think its best to be incredibly clear. We both may disagree on what blue is, but, for purposes of communication, we will use the terms as listed here - adding when needed.

Of coarse they may be subject to change and/or refinement with experience and further knowledge – and with feedback. Being that this is a blog and not a diatribe, I get to lead I suppose.

List of Common Terms On Which We May Agree
or Agree To Agree On For Sake of Discussion*

For sensitivity reasons we wanted to run this list past my Gramma Ruby, which would have been really helpful not to mention miraculous because she died at an Elizabeth Dole Rally in Boise)

Active: 1) A lifestyle characterized by frequent or various social, intellectual, and particularly physical activities; 2) In geology, a volcano which erupts regularly; 3) A member of the LDS Church who is often seen carrying brownies, scriptures or children back and forth to Church.

Affirmation: 1) A positive assertion. 2) An organization for LDS homosexuals and the people that love them, but not affiliated or supported by the LDS Church.

Sentence: Falling off of the stage was the affirmation she needed to confirm the universality of gravity.

Acronyms: SGA, SGB, SGI SGA: Same Gender (sexual) Attraction SGB: Same Gender (sexual) Behavior SGI: Same Gender (gay) Identity

OGA, OGB, OGI OGA: Opposite Gender (sexual) attraction OGB: Opposite Gender (sexual) behavior OGI: Opposite Gender (heterosexual) identity.

Sentence: The LDS SGA think OGA from ID, WO and MT dress like the NFL.

Beehive: 1) Home to bees, 2) A height-positive sixties hair style which many Mormon women continued to wear through the seventies and into late nineties and early 00’s with a slight revamp; 3) Young woman’s organization of girls who can’t drive yet.

Bisexual: 1) A sexual behavior or an orientation involving physical, mental or romantic attraction to both males and females.

Choice: 1) A decision between two or more option, and often referred to as free agency, personal rights and freedom.

Sentence: The choice for Juan Carlo was to either be eaten alive by the anaconda or jump from the boat into the mouth of the hungry crocodile.

Church: 1) An identifiable religious body under a common name; 2) a physical structure often equipped with a satellite dish, food warming area and an indoor basketball court.

Sentence: The ambulance and two squad cars were sent to the ball game at the Church between the elders and the priests due to last year’s “incident.”

Closet: 1) Upright storage space for clothing; 2) Slang reference to the status of an individual wishing to remain private about his/her sex life and who hasn’t acknowledged their SGA feelings yet to friends and family members.

Sentence: He had been in the closet so long he smelled like cedar and old shoes.

Coming Out: 1) The act of leaving a building or structure. 2) The process of telling people about one’s homosexuality is often referred to as coming out.

Sentence: “It’s just not coming out”, muttered Sister Macbeth as she compulsively applied spot remover.

Conversion therapy, or reparative therapy or reorientation therapy: 1) A type of sexual orientation change effort that attempts to change the sexual orientation of a person from homosexual or bisexual to heterosexual. In the past techniques have included psychoanalytic group therapy involving aversive conditioning, electric shock or nausea-inducing drugs, and may have included sex therapy. Today there seems to be a more subtle and genteel approach which is being met with more success,

Down Low or DL : 1)This term means different things to different people, however generally it connotes dishonesty and hiding. 2) A term for men who discreetly have sex with other men while in marital relationships with women. Often these men do not consider themselves homosexual or bisexual, and their female partners are generally not aware of these infidelities.

Ex-Gay: Term for those who have experienced SGAttraction and who, for religious or other reasons, have chosen not to embrace a gay identity, or to engage in SGA behavior.

Family Group Sheets: 1) Forms used in annotating genealogy; 2) Money saving tactics for Mormon families at bedtime.

Sentence: Laverne and Lavelle grab your sister and a family group sheet and get you off to bed.

Families are Forever: 1) LDS catch phrase originating in the early eighties - referring to the belief that temple sealed families created on earth can move into the next life together. 2) The prevalent attitude after two weeks of dealing with the new in-laws.

Sentence: Did you hear our new sister-in-law-sing the Duran-Duran Medley? Are families really forever?

Folk Doctrine: 1) Doctrines that develop from prevailing rumor.

Sentence: Three stakes in Pocatello have been asked to spear-head a pilot program for the Churches new Work and Glory aerobics program.

Gay: 1) A happy and joyful method of celebrating holidays often sung about in English Carols and Fred Astaire films. 2) A common term for an individual attracted to their same gender. Gay has been a widely used synonym of "male homosexual." Its meaning is rapidly evolving to refer to both male and female homosexuals. Some people differentiate between homosexual and gay: homosexual is regarded as a sexual orientation; gay is a political identity -- i.e. an advocate for equal rights for persons of all sexual orientations

Sentence: Sister Fellows always regretted naming her eldest son after her favorite uncle, Gaylord.

Gender: 1) The set of characteristics that distinguish between female and male members of a species. It is often used interchangeably with the word "sex" denoting the condition of being male or female.

Sentence: “But, Julie,” Cal whined, “I simply don’t have an inoffensive sentence for the word gender.”

Genealogy: 1) An activity Mormons do happily while praying to hook up with a distant relative who has done all the work.

Sentence: Brother The-Hun was a bit disturbed when his grandma showed him his genealogy line went directly to some guy named Attila.

Heterosexual: 1) People whose emotional, sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for those of the opposite sex or having to do with opposite sex attraction.

Homophobia: 1) An irrational fear, prejudice or discrimination towards homosexuals. Homophobia can take many forms, from name-calling and teasing to serious crimes like assault and murder. Homophobia like other irrational fears is most often based on ignorance.

Homosexual: 1) People whose emotional, sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for those of the same sex or having to do with same sex attraction.

In: See out.

Last days: 1) A horrific time of floods, famines, political strife and food storage eating – much like yesterday.

Sentence: The last days of a back to school sale appear to be frequented by women on a weekend pass from the state hospital.

Lesbian: Term to describe sexual and romantic desire between females.

Lifestyle: The term lifestyle (as in gay lifestyle) has become a polarizing term though used by gay and lesbian people in the past. “Those in the lifestyle” usually means “those who identify as gay", though it may refer to behavior as well as identity - much as LDS lifestyle would mean those living the teachings or of the culture, or East Coast Lifestyle may refer to black turtle necks, bookstores and apartment living.

Many are called, but few are chosen: 1) What I keep telling myself when I am asked to be on the ward activities committee again.

Mixed Marriage: For our purposes here, a union between one of “heterosexual” orientation with one dealing with SGA.

Out: See in.

Prophet: 1) A man called of God who holds the keys to direct the Church and to speak for Jesus Christ. The President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a chosen prophet, seer and revelator.

SSA: 1) Acronym for Same Sex Attraction. The LDS Church prefers SGA, (which I always thought stood for Star Gate Atlantis reruns) but actually means Same Gender Attraction. SSA and SGA are terms not highly favored among the gay community. Neither, for that matter, is the phrase “gay community”.

Sentence: ST-TNG and SGA are playing all week on SI-FI.

Sin: To behave in a manner that is contrary to the revealed commandments of God.

Transgendered: A designation of person whose identity does not conform to conventional notions of male or female gender roles.

Quotes, Quotation Marks: Tool used to set apart a word or phrase. For our purposes here, generally speaking, using quotation marks to denote words such as “gay” or “homosexual” is offensive. If you are not comfortable with using a term from the “so-called other side”, then it is recommended that a substitute which doesn't involve quote marks is found.

Sentence: I am offended that “he” just used quotations on the phrase other side.

Straight: 1) A direction which veers neither to the left or the right. 2) A slang term used in the place of heterosexual.

Sentence: The geography club, Straights of Magellan is not accepting new members.

Strait is the gate and narrow is the way: 1) Popular scripture quote used to encourage righteous living and weight loss.

Tithing: 1) One tenth of one’s income donated voluntarily to the LDS Church for upkeep and needed things.

Sentence: Ten percent of nothing is still nothing.

Urim and Thummim: 1) Tool used by Joseph Smith to translate the Book of Mormon. 2) What I wish I had to understand my kids text messages.

Wickedness Never Was Happiness: 1) What Cal’s first missionary companion in the MTC from Macon Georga wrote on his left bicep with a sharpie when visas to Central America didn’t come through on time. 2) Comment made by those on their way to Church when a boat or motor-home pulls up in the next lane of traffic.

This is a blog for Mormon SSA* men who wish to follow the teachings of the LDS church while owning their Homosexuality. It can be done! This blog-spot is written by a sort-of smart gay man who is a card-carrying member of the LDS church and hopes to remain so. He will remain so by following the teachings of the prophets. His motto for today is "Many a true word spoken in jest," and he will try to not be so charming.

Mr. Thompson thinks he knows just about everything. Lately, it has been proposed that he may, in actuality, not. He is trying to be open to that thought.