Mind Blowing

We are half-hearted creatures fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. -C.S. Lewis

It's clear to me that God wants more for us that we can imagine. Literally in this case.

My teenage son was explaining finances to me the other day. He sat me down on the couch, turned the game off and told me exactly what I needed to do to take care of the bills. His idea was to pick one bill to pay every month - just one of them, mind you - and send them a check. Then everyone would be happy and I would be in a better position to loan him money for a new x-box game.

Simple, easy and completely unrealistic. Well, he's young. He doesn't know yet.

In the same way, I feel that I am almost laughable when I try to explain the universe and everything - like whomever is behind the mirror is laughing their face off at me as I try to explain my limited take on, well, anything. There is so much that I don't know. And there is no way I am going to get the information in time to do anything about it. And, if I had the information directly implanted, my head would probably explode like in Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull Thing-y From Space.

One of the things I like about mortality is that I don't have to be in charge. I can rely on someone who knows more than I do. Who better to have as an adviser than He who knows all the stuff, which is his Indian name.

In order for this to work for me or for you, One has to believe in God. And by "One" I mean you and me. If He is there, He has the power. If He has the power, then I can re;ac a little and let him do his job and I will do mine.

I must tell you at this point that I believe with all my heart in my father in heaven. Some times I think that my homosexuality - being drawn to men is in part because of my need to be reminded of Him father to son. I yearn for his presence and his approval. I know he loves me. I just know it. I had to let someone know that tonight. I feel like painting it on walls and on doors and on my neighbors goat - who really gets around so a lot of people would see. I love Him and miss Him and hope to return to Him. And I love him more than I love being gay.

When He asks me to do something, I may complain that I don't wanna. I may make up a reason to do it my way. I may mumble "what does he know" and go on my merry. But realistically, there is no denying the wisdom or the authority. And thank heaven it's not me in charge.

Or you, frankly.

Or my son the financier.