Friday, October 10, 2014

Letter to the head marmoho (Married Mormon Homosexual)

In the first place, I am not the head Mar-mo-ho, but I have been at it for longer than the head marmoho and I am definitely a vocal marmoho. This letter is a good read.  Feel free to comment appropriately.


I really appreciate your blog. As a gay man that finally came out to himself and his wife two years ago, I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. Some days the pendulum swings towards Ty Mansfield and Northstar, and other days it swings towards Elton John and Ru Paul (Okay, the Elton John is a big exaggeration, but I think you understand what I am saying.)

What I have enjoyed about your blog is that you seem to align with many of the thoughts and feelings that I have come to over the past little bit. I don't see happiness choosing a path of being "authentic" (there are those quotes!) and leaving my family, especially with the quality and caliber of gay men that I have encountered. On the flip side, we have been separated for a little over a month now, and I feel that she would be happier in her life without me, and with a man that loves her fully.

Also during this time I have come to an uneasy truce with the church in my mind. I realize it is led by men, who are fallible and are not perfect. It is hard to rectify that with the gospel, which is infallible and perfect, and I still struggle with that. I guess I can deal with that on my own, but what I am looking for comes from questions and impressions that come to my mind during my reading of blogs about the wives perspective of being married to a gay man.

We have been married for 14 years now, and have had many trials and struggles, a number of them can be tied to my being dishonest about being gay. I still struggle with the fact that she wants to be with me, and feel like she is doing it out of a sense of duty or pity. I know that whether she stays or goes is ultimately her decision. She struggles with my refusal to renew my temple recommend, she thinks it is because I must be unworthy, when in reality I cannot justify getting a recommend when I don't believe I would be where I am without her as a mask (meaning that it is just by appearances that I can answer all the questions with a yes, but in my heart I know that I wouldn't be married to her if I had been initially honest with her, nor would I probably be an active member of the church.)

Anyway...thanks for what you write, yours is the only blog that has made me feel that I am not totally alone out here in an already lonely gay Mormon world.

After reading this letter I was impressed to comment that there are many men in the church that feel like they are not what they appear to be.  On the outside they try to look confident and secure with their beliefs, where inside they are struggling with their testimony, or with an addiction.  They may have marriages that are going through difficulties or deal with children that are less than perfect. Most of us feel inadequate in some way, or that we are not what we appear to be. Many of us deal with problems daily -- problems that we would gladly exchange for having to have daily dental work. But we put our socks on and tie our tie and go to church and smile.

Interesting his comment on being authentic.  It's a good word. I have been accused of not being authentic, or true to myself by many in the lifestyle.  Frankly, how would anyone else know which part of me is the true me, and whether or not I am being true to myself?  That would be an issue between those me and those closest to me, and my God.  


  1. Here's an anecdote from my college days. There were math teachers whose first language was from Eastern Asia, and many friends explained that their math troubles mainly stemmed from the language barrier. However, as I observed them, their main troubles really had more to do with their study habits. I had a math teacher with a very strong Chinese accent, but it didn't really take that long to get used to the accent. But because the accent was there, it was easy for it to become, in the minds of my friends, the primary cause of their troubles.

    I suspect that we do the same thing in other areas of our lives. Every marriage has rough spots some of the time. If we are constantly worrying about the effects of our orientation on our marriages, we are likely to see any rough spot as validation of our worries, and blame the problems on our orientations. By blaming the wrong source of the trouble, we then are poorly equipped to tackle the problems. So to be totally authentic, we have to admit that marital problems have more sources than orientation misalignment. If those sources are not addressed, we will probably continue to have those same problems, whether or not we stay with our current spouses or divorce to pursue others.

    1. "...we have to admit that marital problems have more sources than orientation misalignment." Good words simply stated. Thank you for your excellent comment. Who-me sounds like a solid Eastern Asian name.

  2. Everyone should lead an authentic life, though what that means will be different for each person. For me it is living openly as the gay man that I am and being married to the husband I love. I understand that for some gay LDS men marrying a woman so they can pursue the Mormon lifestyle might be what is authentic for them. I hope there is a place for us all regardless of how each of us are authentic.

    However, if one takes the mixed sexual orientation marriage path, they must be totally honest with the woman they marry if they truly want to be authentic. If, going into the marriage, she knows you are gay and is still willing to marry, then you are both entering matrimony honestly and with your eyes wide open. No one can claim authenticity if they marry a woman while leading her to falsely believe they are straight. That is not only a lie that seriously breaks one of the 10 commandments, but is also very selfish and not the act of anyone who claims to follow Christ. The core of authenticity is being honest with yourself, and with those around you when it directly impacts their lives. One might judge me to be of a lesser "quality" and "caliber" because for me being authentic was marrying the man I love. But don't pretend to be of a better quality and caliber when you deceived a woman into marrying while you were hiding in the closet.

  3. What good comments. I hope many feel like they can say what is on their mind. There arent too many forums like this one.

    "...if one takes the mixed sexual orientation marriage path, they must be totally honest with the woman they marry if they truly want to be authentic." -- In my case this was a must. However, it is not a must for some men that I've spoken to. They have homosexual thoughts and feelings but do not act on them and feel that they are able to live honestly while keeping these thoughts and feelings in control. I would be careful with any suggestions that I may have for them, but I would beg them to listen to the spirit to know how to deal with these issues in their marriage and even with their bishop.

    "But don't pretend to be of a better quality and caliber when you deceived a woman into marrying while you were hiding in the closet." I don't think anyone dealing with homosexuality in any degree thinks that they are better than anyone else because of their homosexuality. I, for example, think I am better than everyone for a whole lotta other reasons. There are many men that don't speak of their attractions -- out-loud on facebook or some other forum -- to anyone but those most close to them, and that does not mean they are hiding. Blanket judgments and stereotypes should be left at the theater door.

    And now, I am going to put on a DVD of Dreamgirls...

    1. Cal, thanks for your comments. In this case I meant a gay man hiding in the closet from the woman he marries. I did not mean that everyone had to be marching in gay pride parades. I applaud that you were open and honest with your wife. Any one going into a marriage has the absolute right to expect that they will be loved in every sense of the word, including sexual love. If their prospective spouse has little or no physical attraction to them, anyone has an absolute right to know that before marriage so they can make an informed decision about marrying. I might sound harsh, but anyone who would keep this from their spouse before marriage is not acting ethically or authentically. I don't care if you keep your homosexuality secret from the world if that is what works for you. But I strongly believe any decent human being is obligated to come out to their spouse on this matter before marriage. Too many lives have been ruined because such a thing was kept hidden.

  4. Thank you for the clarification. Its funny how much I have had to look at each word I have said on the blog to make sure I am saying what I think I am saying. I guess I am a little overly cautious. Again, thanks for taking the time to remark.

  5. I was also open about my orientation with my wife before we were married, and I would definitely suggest that marriages are healthier that way. But I have to mention that I understood my orientation when I was a young teenager. What do you do about a young man that does not yet fully understand his orientation when he gets married? When he finally "comes out to himself" as many people put it, what then? That's a much harder situation than mine, and so I don't want to rush to judgment and call them inauthentic or deceitful. The guy usually cares for his wife, and often has children. If he's Mormon, he likely went on a mission and has a testimony of the gospel. Suddenly their marriage is in a very awkward situation. Again, it's tempting to then look back at their marriage and blame all the friction and hard times on the orientation misalignment. Maybe they could find a marriage counselor who has an understanding of both orientation issues and also the values that members of the church hold. It's a tough problem that I don't feel myself qualified to address.