Saturday, October 18, 2014

Should I come out?

A week or so ago was coming out day. I would come out except everyone already knows that I am a Mormon.

As I am sure you are familiar if you have read much on this blog, I am a gay man. I am Mormon, active and honest with my bishop, and I have a temple recommend that I got the right way.  My wife knows about me -- probably more about me than I would choose to have anyone know about me.  There is a certain freedom to that.  There is also a certain horror to that.

I have often considered what it means to come out as a gay man.  Generally, I have great admiration for those who come out -- letting everyone know what they are about -- at least sexually.

I remember the media coverage when Ellen came out.  I remember how her sitcom went from pretty decent ratings to the cellar in a month. I would like to think it was because the writing suddenly tanked, but it was because she had come out as gay.   Even my liberal friends said at the time that they felt the show was all about her gay-ness and they weren't interested.

Now, there is nothing hidden.  Her spouse is on the show every once in a while, and there is no mincing around.  Ellen is a Lesbian, and she makes no apologies.  If you don't like it, then good for you and she doesn't care.

I like the show and I like her and I wish she would have me on the show as a Marmoho  -- a married Mormon homo -- worthy of tickets to Disneyland and 5000 spending money to get my teeth fixed.

Which raises a question.  Would I come out as my real name instead of Cal Thompson, pseudonym of the buff and brainy whatever-my real-name is?

This may be the day for it.  I have written a book about my experience with homosexuality and the Mormon church that I feel would be a benefit to everyone involved, and It may have a bit more umphh to it if I used my real name so people could put a name to a mediocre face.  I am certainly strong enough to deal with whatever would come my way, and my kids are almost grown and out of the home, so that may not be an issue either.

I would love to be able to show that I have a viewpoint and I am strong and I am gay and I believe in the Mormon Church thoroughly and that I am married and plan on staying that way.

It's not all that rare this day and age, but not a lot of people talk about it, so few know how common that it is.

Here is the major drawback.  My wife doesn't want the world in her bedroom, and the world would be in our bedroom if I came out.  I don't know how to talk about my "stuff" without it having to do with her "stuff".  

Until then, the day that my outing won't effect her may be some time coming. (What if I came out and then my wife and I moved to Rigby Idaho?)


  1. As a fellow marmoho, I have often wondered about coming out to anyone other than my wife, but I can't really come up with a good reason. Before getting married (to my wife), I dated a few different guys and then decided that I actually want to stay active, marry a woman, and raise children. At one point while I was dating guys I told my mother and one of my many siblings I was gay, but no one else - it just didn't seem that it was that important or anyone else's business. I was up front with my wife about everything early on in our dating relationship, it was very difficult for her to understand, but the reality was that I loved her and was (and am) attracted to her. (sidenote: as you know attraction for men does not go away just because I got married, but my wife small into that small category of women that I have met that are breathtakingly gorgeous, to whom I am attracted). Now that I've been married for almost a decade with a bunch of little kids and I'm serving in a bishopric, I just don't think it would make a difference to tell anyone - oh, BTW I am also attracted to dudes. What would their reaction be? - - Are you attracted to your wife? Yes. Are you staying active in church? Yes, I plan on it. Oh, okay, well good to know, thanks. What is the point? Thoughts?

  2. Out gay man here, married to my husband, and thus post Mormon. While I respect that the decision about whether or not to come out is a very personal one, I, for one, believe we are all better off when people are open and honest about who they are. If Mormons realized how many LGBTQ folks are among them then maybe the Church might become a more welcoming place, regardless of whether I'm a gay man married to a man or in a mixed orientation marriage. Would not such an LDS Church be a more Christ-like place? By staying silent don't you become complicit in making the Church less welcoming to LGBTQ folks? While still in the closet I have sat in priesthood meetings when no one imagined a gay man was in the room and have heard some awful (and misinformed) things said about LGBTQ people. This is why I think coming out would be a good thing.

  3. Wow, you stated the exact position I am in. I too yearn to "out" but am bound to silence. I wished I had an answer to this dilemma.... Adon at

  4. I understand your delima. However, I would take Rigby of of the table. Have you ever been there? I don't doubt your sincerity, just your taste.