New year, new thinking, new relationships

When I was in a performance group at BYU, we went to India where we had the opportunity to sing for Mother Teresa. We were in our sorta-nice touring clothes and we did our best. She was kind and gracious, thanked us and then said,  "How lovely. Now, we could use some help with the newborns."  

Songs and thoughts are lovely and can help motivate us.  A scripture on the wall helps. 
Kindness and caring for others - in a real physical way -- is better.

Please be safe this new year and treat everyone with respect -- even if you don't feel that they deserve it. Remember this from Mother Teresa...

We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty.

Why no temple marriage for gays

I am doing a lot of studying on gay marriage, traditional marriage or marriage rights -- name depends on where you stand politically.

What am I hoping to accomplish? you ask. Frankly, I am trying to peg policy in order to explain/understand. I hope to be able to explain it so that others can understand.

So I searched the church website and came upon this explanation entitled "Why Temple Marriage". It is written for the youth, so I made the supposition that it would be clear and uncomplicated. It was.

I am posting the "Reasons for Marriage" word for word as per this site. Being that you are reading an I-am-a-gay-guy-who-is-trying-to-follow-the-teachings-of-the-prophet site, I am going to comment after each paragraph concerning how this relates to gays and gay marriage.This might look at first to be subversive. I ask for your patience and indulgence.

Confidence and Support. When you get married, you have someone who will cheer you on and encourage you in doing what is right, who will lift you up each day, who will share in all your joys and sorrows. Note: Confidence and support can be given by homosexuals as well as heterosexuals.

Sharing. It is such a great blessing to share in the life of another person and someday in the life of children as well. Your and your spouse’s successes become successes for the family. Making memories together adds deeper meaning to life. Note: This is true regardless of ones gender.

Children. It brings great joy to be trusted with the care and keeping of Heavenly Father’s children. Note: Many straight couples adopt so there is precedent set. The old argument that gays aren't good parents seems to have been shot down all the way around. Gay couples historically don't have a great track record with longevity -- which could be an issue. However, straight couples staying together is on the decline as well.

Counsel. A spouse can give you good, honest advice, and you can trust it because you know it’s coming from someone who has only your best interests at heart. Gays aren't honest? Can't be an issue.

Strength. Two are stronger than one. You can strengthen and help each other to live the gospel more completely. Two gay guys are stronger together than a mixed couple. Sorry. I'm being glib, but do you see my point?

Laughter. When you know someone this well and when you really trust each other, you’ll enjoy life with laughter and humor. Gay or straight, funny is funny.

Love. Being told each day that you are loved is marvelously renewing and refreshing. I would assume it is refreshing for everyone, not just straights.

Service. There is great joy in serving one another and much more so when you do it for someone you love. Keep reading. I'll get through the next few quickly.

Friendship. You’ll have someone there with you through the good times and bad.

Trust. It is comforting to know that you are with someone who always wants what’s best for you and that you can confide in him or her without fear.

Physical and Emotional Intimacy. Marriage is a unique relationship in which the Lord binds two people in an eternal relationship whose goals include oneness, togetherness, and joy. Those supporting traditional marriage may not relate, but gay sex is considered intimacy as well. Of course, we aren't talking a one night stand or a casual fling --  just as we wouldn't consider flings in any straight relationship either. We are talking a committed monogamous relationship.


So, what is the reason that temple marriage, which is the highest form of marriage in the Mormon church, is reserved for a man and a woman and not a gay couple? The reason it isn't in found in any explanation above. And for someone to say that a certain thing should or shouldn't be simply because they don't like it or agree with it is silly.

Here is the answer as far as I am able to understand it. Our Father in heaven, through his prophets has told us that temple marriage is between a man and a woman. I do not understand fully His reason, but I firmly believe that He has one. And I believe that Father in heaven knows what's going on in the world and that he has our best interest at heart.

Therefore, I will support the church in limiting temple marriage/sealing for a man and a woman. At the same time, I will not deny gay couples the privilege to wed civilly if they choose. I will even go to their weddings and throw sorted and sanitized bird seed like I do any other wedding. I will eat their cake and wish them well, and I will treat everyone as children of our Father in heaven and leave any judgement call for Him as I am not capable or qualified to judge.

It's obedience. I do not understand the why behind it, but I know that someday I will.

MarMoHo-Ho-Ho or Gay Mormon, Amen

I am creating a few New Year resolutions today. I am trying to approach new year goals with the serious resolve I reserve for the scriptures, my CD collection and dessert. 

Dessert is a serious subject for those who do not drink, smoke, vote democrat* -- and for those of us mar-mo-hos who don't have sex outside of marriage.

MarMoHo, a term I created to describe my condition;  Married, Mormon Homosexual.  And we are getting a lot of attention these days. Not as much as as Into the Woods or North Korea, but a lot.

Someone e-mailed me a day or two ago with a comment.  "Why is is such a big deal to be gay, Mormon and married.  All you have to do is step out and have sex with any guy you want and then go back home to the wife and clean up."

No.

No, that's not what we do.  We are committed men who commit to a woman, commit to our church and make covenants with the Lord to remain morally clean.  There is no sex on the DL. 

No. Just wanted to clear that up.

Back to New Years Resolutions

A lot of people I know tell me they don't believe in making resolutions for the New Year. They believe that they are just setting themselves up for failure by setting a goal that is un-obtainable, or one they know they aren't going to keep anyway.

First, why bother to set a goal you don't intend to commit to, or one that you don't think you can reach? I always think I can reach these goals. That is my charm and my downfall. If I really am serious about a goal, then dang it, I'm gonna get it done! It's not my ability that is in question.

I believe, due to my exhaustive experience in goal-failing, that success is is really based on attitude. If you, after three days of going without a Diet Coke have a complete and total meltdown and inhale a caffeinated beverage at breakneck speed suffering whiplash in the process, then yes, you screwed up. 

You recommit to the goal or make a new one. You don't just give up. You don't just say screw it, I can never give up caffeine, so why even try.

How about a goal to loose weight. I would love to loose ten pounds this year. Actually I would like to loose ten pounds this week. So I do well for several days and then, Whammo! I eat an entire Marie Calenders chocolate silk pie with pecan crust. Is it over for me? 

No freakin way. I will chase it down with a large caffeinated beverage of my choice and try it again tomorrow!

For some, trying become morally clean is a similar endeavor.  They hoard a pie and then diet for a couple weeks. This is a really funky cycle that has to be broken. 
Those who are serious enough to break the cycle and commit to a marriage are serious.  Don't mess with us. We still face challenges, but we have had huge successes also. Thank God, literally, for successes that keep us in the game.

For those who are thinking of life as a MarMoHo, remember that failure is never final. Make Heavenly Father part of the process, keep a sense of humor and try a little harder. It will be worth it.

And hand me a Diet Coke.



*Sometimes I vote Democrat.  It depends on who's suit and shoes I like better.

Are you in this gay/married/mormon boat?

This is a letter I recently received.  I have changed facts and personals because it was sent to me in confidence. I am happy to answer questions at anytime, BTW.  I am not a professional, but I am expert in being gay and being a Mormon -- at the same time.

Dear Cal Thompson:

I came across your blog yesterday in hopes of finding some help/advice with "coming out."  I am 40ish, LDS, married with 4 children.  I'm an active member of the church, I served a mission and have an extensive Mormon heritage.  I have tried so hard all my life to hide the fact that I'm attracted to males but have been unable to hide it any longer as I age -- those thoughts are stronger than ever. 

 

I have confronted my wife about it because of the anxiety and depression I've been dealing with for quite sometime. She thinks it may due with my difficult up-bringing -- which may be true. 

I have talked with my stake president a couple of times and his advice is to read the scriptures, pray, and always use the priesthood when Satan temps -- not the sort of advice I was looking for because I know to do that but I feel I need counseling or something else. 

I just don't know where to turn for help. I feel I'm headed in a direction that can destroy me and my family. I see that you have come out and also are married with kids.  How do you deal with this?  Do you have any advice?   

This has been the most difficult trial I've had to deal with.  Bitterness and animosity has also set in and its just about to kill me.

Dear reader:

I have a lot of respect for you, and I feel a little unqualified to advise you. But if anyone could it is one who is in the same boat.

I can't tell you why you are gay or what may have contributed to the orientation.  I can tell you this. You are gay. Ta-da!  It is not your imagination and it is not a phase. You will not cure this by going on a mission, getting married or involving yourself in a city league baseball team. There are things you can do to keep the behaviors in check.  Many recommend creating nonsexual relationships with men -- I am sure you have heard this before. 

The longing will remain as will the urges. As you get older, the sexual desire may ebb a bit but it will be augmented with a different sort of longing that is just as intense. 

Some men deal with your situation by masturbating and keeping their feelings to themselves.  This usually involves porn. Some people believe that porn used for this reason is OK. I do not.  However, I am not as firm on an anti-masturbation stance.

You have told your wife, which I feel is a good thing. It sounds like you still have a temple recommend which means that you have not stepped out on her like many in your situation have.  This is also a good thing.  You are honoring the commitments you made.

I am not able to speak directly to you.  For this reason I started this blog years ago so that men in my boat could connect, or at least to know that they are not alone.  The gay Mormon boat seems to have compartmentalized to a point that we think we are alone in steerage.  

I  am confident in this advise:  The Lord is aware of you and your situation. He is not hesitant to speak about it. The Spirit of the Lord will guide you to do what's right.  

What is right may not be what is easiest.  By the same token, it may not be what you think is the hardest.  The spirit will guide you do do what is right for you and for your family. The Spirit will not lead you astray -- like people might. The Spirit is not politically correct.  It does not put stock in man's rules. 

You will need to ask the spirit honest questions.  Frankly, I myself am to old and experienced to be asking that the Lord take this cup from me. I know why the Lord gave me this cup. Ask the Lord what you can do, what you should be learning, how to support your wife -- questions that lead you forward to action. Ask to be able to feel the promptings of the Spirit and the strength to act upon what you are told.

Things will be fair in God's time. God's time is not our time. (my time was 30 years ago) God's time includes the afterlife, and God's plans include concepts that we can not imagine.

God does not play by man's rules either.  He plays by the real rules, and we do not know what those real rules are. The authors of "politically correct and cool" magazine do not know Gods rules either, though they are full up to here with man's wisdom. 

In short, you may not have a choice which boat you are currently in, but there is always a choice in where you go from here.  

When looking at options, find a source of knowledge that has your values and core principals-- ones that work for you, that feel right to you. Keep your mind open to knowledge and wisdom.

       

BYU -- Land of opportunity for a gay Mormon

This was the first real gay essay I ever wrote. It was bold for me and a little salacious though that was never my intent. I turned red as I looked through it again an hour ago. It was my first real attempt at aggressively taking charge of my life in writing, and I thought it was time for a re-visit.
Most everything I know about the gay lifestyle I learned at Brigham Young University. I don't blame the university. I don't blame the people I met there. I saw an opportunity that hadn't presented itself before -- one that I had apparently been looking for for quite a while -- and I made a choice.

It's not like there was a class or a club - though I hear there's one now with its own Facebook page. There wasn't a paragraph of my "Welcome to BYU" pamphlet that included gay as part of the Cougar experience. My first gay interaction as a consenting adult was with a guy I met when I came to Provo for higher education.

The Smith Field House was the place. I sat on a bleacher completely unanimously and watched guys play. They smacked each other, they ran each other over. The grabbed each another and wrestled. They touched each other, and I thought I would pass out on the spot. It wasn't just that young men were enjoying each other. There was something more to it. There was so much familiarity.

Later I figured that these intense relationship had to do with missions and same experiences and in guys usually a part of a minority suddenly swimming in guys who believed like they did; An instant brotherhood. 

I wanted to be one of them. They were contemporaries, my Mormon friends -- or guys I wished were my friends -- who looked at me (if they looked at me at all) as some guy doing homework in the bleachers.

At the end of my first year at BYU I discovered that the men's rooms were the places to meet guys who were looking for... whatever I was looking for. There was graffiti that pointed the way, and some of the writing on the wall made it really clear what the author was looking for.

So I sat there and waited for some signal from the guy in the next stall. I got all the signals I wanted, but I didn't know what to do. I figured it out quickly. We were all fast learners.

There is is. That's how I started. In a men's room at a church school. I was a fool more than a naive. Regardless, I became a regular.

It wasn't until months later that I heard that guys were picked up, and by that I mean that they were arrested or kicked out of school when undercover cops made their own kind of contact. I was lucky. Later, I was experienced enough to know when I was being played. So I didn't find myself in that horrible position of being outed as it came to be known, by an undercover cop.

I once was caught by someone I figured was a professor who interrupted a beginner in a tryst. I just sat there looking at my shoes until he left. I couldn't bear to look up at the man scolding me for fear that I might be recognized or that I might recognize him.

Once I made a connection with a guy. Looking over the stall I recognized him as a fellow music major who was a friend of mine. I was horrified. I believe to this day that he recognized me, though there was never an acknowledgement. This was my first obvious foray into leading a double life.

You would think that these few experiences would have kept me "clean and sober" as it were, the fear of getting caught, would discourage me from involving myself in the behaviors.

No. It didn't make me do anything but to be smarter and careful and look for other places to find what I wanted -- and there were plenty of other places.

You find what you look for. Down deep I don't know what I was looking for at that time. But I found it at BYU

I am gay... and a little bit arrogant.

"How arrogant are you..." I was recently asked in my email, "to tell gay men how to live their lives?"

Well, that is a loaded question.  Let's divide it in two.  How arrogant am I?  I used to be truck loads arrogant.  I was young, tall, thin, gay and I had a giant chip on my shoulder. 

I am still tall.  And gay.  But I don't feel the need to have to be better than anyone -- which is what I think arrogance is.**  I do have a bit of experience in the Mormon/gay/tall world and I write those experiences down on this site. My experiences have lead me to certain beliefs.

I think that I am just arrogant enough.  

I am secure in my knowledge that I am gay.  Frankly, it seems like an old argument regarding wither or not I choose gayness or not.  It is clear to me what I choose and what I didn't choose.  I still read a lot and consider other options and opinions, but I know who I am and where I stand -- a little bit arrogant to be sure.

Do I tell others how to live their life?  Maybe and sorta.  But I still respect your choices and will defend your ability to make them.

For those of you who may be still on a fence, or not sure about who or what you are, know that I am not on the fence about you.  Even without being introduced I can give you a good idea based on what I know, and I am proud of you.

- Bro Thomp

A bit to light in the loafers for me. Good eatn' though.

**A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Southern Utah.  He talked with an old rancher. telling him "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."  The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there...", and he pointed out an area on the other side of a creek.

The DEA officer, with an audible poof verbally exploded.  

"Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" He reached into his rear pants pocket, removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. 

"See this badge?" he screeched the screech of the indignant. "This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land at all. There will be no questions asked or any answers given -- even to the likes of you."  

"Have I made myself clear?  the agent puffed. "Do you understand?"

The southern Utah rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams.  He looked up and saw the DEA officer running wildly for his life.  He was being chased by the rancher's biggest bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified and screamed for help.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs, "Show him your badge!" 


This story relates to this post because I think that the bull was gay.

Thank you hater! (NSFLivingroom with family or people you'd like to see again or home teachers)

I have never been a fan of I-am-not-a-fan mail. If I read something I don't like, I either stop reading it or I seek out the publication and give them appropriate feedback -- if I feel strongly enough. I can't imagine me ever using the kind of language she refers to in this song. 

Thanks to the lovely and chipper Isabel Fay, I now have a little ditty to sing when I get hate mail -- and boy do I get hate mail. Earlier in my life, as some of you may know, I would have been happy to take these recent and descriptive suggestions that I currently collect. People love to give me feedback. My life has changed however and I am not as adventurous as I once was.  Nor am I as flexible.  

Of course, the language of this song is a little cheeky, but I love me a cheeky lyric.  If you can tolerate an f word or two spoken in love, this may be the happy song of the week for you.  If not then just read.

Let me be clear.  This is not a Sunday School song - even in an edited version.

Hello Hater Song

Well hello friend!
Mister Insightful
Thank you for your comment on my little Youtube clip!
Most people say you’re cruel and spiteful,
But you’re right, how do I sleep at night? And I am a massive pr--k.

They call you hater --  well they’re just jealous
Your constructive pearls of wisdom give me thrills I can’t deny
How will we know 
if you don’t tell us
We could improve our Youtube channels by "effing off and dying”?

Some might say you are a…
Sexually aggressive, racist, homophobe, misogynistic,
Cowardly, illiterate, waste of human skin,
But I say: thank you beautiful stranger.

I love the way you don’t upload things
You know we’d be too dazzled by your cinematic vision
But you’re there on every comment string
Where you teach us, just like Jesus but while wanking like a gibbon. (If I knew what this was I would probably have to edit it as well)

I’m really sure that if I met you
You probably wouldn't rape me like you promised that you would.
We are like “that”; I really get you
You’re right about that laughing kid, he is a total “c---”.

(Samba instrumental)  -- Because every song should have a samba instrumental

You wished me cancer and misspelled “cancer”
But I know that it’s a metaphor. You hope that I will grow,
Just like the tumor you hoped would kill me
Inside the ---- on which you said you’d also like a go.

You said that girls shouldn't do funny
But you’d ---- me double hard and let your mates go after you.
Oh what a line you lovely honey!
Are you on e-harmony? Oooo! I’ll join the queue!

Some might say you’re a…
sexually aggressive, racist, homophobe, misogynistic,
cowardly, illiterate, waste of human skin,


Repeat and fade.  No, really.  Fade.

Please forgive me the song, but I have a rather large point.  Is anything worth being this kind of hateful?

Gay Country

As a gay Mormon man, I smile a little when I read about someone new coming out. It's not that I think anyone's sexuality is anybody else's business. But if a guy talks to a reporter about what floats his boat, then I suppose he doesn't mind having his private life talked about a little.

Ty Herndon is one of these guys. He's a country music singer that I hadn't heard about until he recently opened up about his past

He says he was in two marriages that failed -- two of them. He also says that both of the ladies were in the know about his sexuality and that he didn't hide anything from them.

"I had a lot of people around me that I trusted at a time and I was like, 'Hey, you know this about me but the world doesn't. So I'm gonna need to call on your services for a little while,'" Herndon confessed. "It was unfortunate that I had to do that, but I felt that's what I had to do to have my career. Today, I'm sanding on some pretty solid legs, so I get to tell my truth today."

Sound familiar?  He felt he couldn't be gay and in country music both.

"I've dreamed about being in country music since I was 6 years old," he said. "It's my life, it’s what I do, it's who I am, and I went to great lengths to cover up that fact to be to be a country star."

Apparently there were rumors aplenty concerning Herndon's homosexuality from clear back in back in 1995. A male police officer on gay in the park duty alleged that the star exposed himself.

"I wish I had really great recall or memory about that," Herndon said regarding the alleged peekaboo moment. "I think I had been up for like 6 days doing drugs the night and the day was really a huge blur for me."

Drugs and drinking are part of the past along with his closeted life.  He has had a partner for five years and looks forward to settling down with him. "...I'm hoping he asks me right after this interview!" he said.

Herndon will take it day by day.  He is thrilled to see increasing acceptance in Nashville and country music generally.

"Traditionally in country music, we don't see a lot of support for the LGBT community, but that's changing so much," he said. "Nashville is changing so much. I mean my goodness… Kacey Musgraves won Song of the Year for [the lyrics] 'follow your arrow, wherever it points' and two amazing songwriters that happened to be gay wrote that song."

"It gives me a lot of hope that that Nashville is ready for this. I get to be free today. I'm born again today, and I feel like I'm not gonna have any trouble sleeping tonight." 

The video I am including here is not of Herdon, but another gay country music artist trying to get a record contract.  Gay country.  'Bout as interesting as gay Mormon.