My 18 yr old son listened to me talk with a relative about her relationship with a man she had kept a secret from her mother for over a year. I explained that she should tell her mom about him. It is extremely painful when parents are shut out of the things that are most important in their children’s lives. On the ride home my son highlighted those comments, and used it as an opportunity to tell me what I have known about him for years: he is attracted to men.
My husband has several brothers and in the past 2 years all his brothers had one child come forward saying they have same sex attraction. Only 1 of brothers handled the announcement maturely. My husband is the only one of the 5 brothers that remains active in the church. I have been helping my husband over the years prepare for this day.
|This is Abby from Dear Abby. There is no |
When first married he had very rigid views and had little tolerance for homosexuality. He is no longer the same man in that respect, and I am eternally grateful the Lord has softened his heart and opened his mind. I am not worried at all about how that conversation will go when he returns next week from being out-of-town.
We live in an area where being LDS is a minority, and the gay and lesbian community is well supported and accepted. We purposefully chose to live here many years ago for multiple reasons,but one was to give our children exposure to multiple cultures, lifestyles, and to help them become more well-rounded and tolerant of differences within all people.
I don’t believe his environment made him, I knew this about him before we moved 8 years ago.
I also had him watch the dinner scene from The Family Stone. When I watched it for the first time many years ago I was a hot mess and cried long after the movie was over. I knew then that I had to be sure to tell my son that he IS NORMAL when the day came, and I did. I also reminded him that the trials he has been given are no more difficult or easier than anyone else's, just different.
I asked if he would like to trade trials with me, and without hesitation he declined, and we laughed. I reminded him that the Lord has made his faith strong and that he was given this because he is so faithful. What others view as a weakness will be his strength. Just to be clear, I have reassured him that we will love him however he decides to live his life. I told him that he can’t “pray it away”, and to forgive anyone that tries to tell him to do so. I did encourage him to pray for strength and guidance and to follow the Lord’s will to live the life the Lord wants him to.
Your blog was the first one I came across. Honestly, I am a little concerned where my searches for support will lead me. I want to find ways to support him and give him the resources and information that he cannot get from is friends and cousins since at this time he is committed to remain a faithful member of the church.
I want to ask very personal questions like:
Obviously, I don’t expect you to answer such personal inquiries. I just want to give him evidence that he can have a full and meaningful life with healthy relationships and achieve his goals while being a faithful servant and Son of Heavenly Father. I think his hope is just a flicker and I want to give him fuel to make it a raging fire before it goes out altogether and he becomes lost in this life and the next.
Let me tell you and your son now that you are enough. The savior took on his sins as well as yours and mine. You are enough for him.
How does your family support you? It's my wife that is my major supporter. I have committed to her in every way. We are a team. Our sex life isn't worthy soap opera fodder, but we get by, and we excel in so many other areas. My brothers and sisters support me fully. Some are members of the church and some are not, but it doesn't matter to anyone of them. My dad -- who is little old school -- doesn't talk about it, but I don't bring it up with him much either. Explaining it to my kids might be fun to watch when it happens.
Good question. I am gay. I am not bi. I am not still deciding or waiting for the right guy. I am not looking for a guy. I am not watching the polls to see if what I am doing is PC or approved by TLC or GLAAD or any other organization whether liberal or conservative. I have been married for over fifteen years and I have never regretted it. As readers know, I am in the process of getting sealed to her - something we have both thought through thoroughly -- fifteen years worth of thorough.
I am sure that many men see something they are physical attracted to. I am the same. As men, we don't dwell, we don't check out what's out there. We don't porn or try to have things both ways. We remember our commitment to our wives, our families and our God. Sometimes this involves tongue biting and hymn singing, but we are honorable men who are looking at our big picture. We certainly do not put anyone else down for their choice and we expect the same treatment.
My wife and I talk about it often. There is a bittersweet edge for her certainly, but she is still my wife and I am her husband, and we are pleased with our choice.
As far as where to look for support, is it trite to say the scriptures, church leaders, home teachers, family, church and prayer? Maybe a bit. Look at it this way. Church is for people and their lives and challenges. We all have things we are working out in the Mormon church, not just gay people. Having said that, I personalty revere Ty Mansfield and his organization. I do not feel they are simply one sided.
Again look to the spirit to be directed to holy sources for help.
Either one of you can E-mail me. And please tell your son that we love him and that it is OK to stop feeling guilty for something he didn't do.