Should I come out?

A week or so ago was coming out day. I would come out except everyone already knows that I am a Mormon.

As I am sure you are familiar if you have read much on this blog, I am a gay man. I am Mormon, active and honest with my bishop, and I have a temple recommend that I got the right way.  My wife knows about me -- probably more about me than I would choose to have anyone know about me.  There is a certain freedom to that.  There is also a certain horror to that.

I have often considered what it means to come out as a gay man.  Generally, I have great admiration for those who come out -- letting everyone know what they are about -- at least sexually.

I remember the media coverage when Ellen came out.  I remember how her sitcom went from pretty decent ratings to the cellar in a month. I would like to think it was because the writing suddenly tanked, but it was because she had come out as gay.   Even my liberal friends said at the time that they felt the show was all about her gay-ness and they weren't interested.

Now, there is nothing hidden.  Her spouse is on the show every once in a while, and there is no mincing around.  Ellen is a Lesbian, and she makes no apologies.  If you don't like it, then good for you and she doesn't care.

I like the show and I like her and I wish she would have me on the show as a Marmoho  -- a married Mormon homo -- worthy of tickets to Disneyland and 5000 spending money to get my teeth fixed.

Which raises a question.  Would I come out as my real name instead of Cal Thompson, pseudonym of the buff and brainy whatever-my real-name is?

This may be the day for it.  I have written a book about my experience with homosexuality and the Mormon church that I feel would be a benefit to everyone involved, and It may have a bit more umphh to it if I used my real name so people could put a name to a mediocre face.  I am certainly strong enough to deal with whatever would come my way, and my kids are almost grown and out of the home, so that may not be an issue either.

I would love to be able to show that I have a viewpoint and I am strong and I am gay and I believe in the Mormon Church thoroughly and that I am married and plan on staying that way.

It's not all that rare this day and age, but not a lot of people talk about it, so few know how common that it is.

Here is the major drawback.  My wife doesn't want the world in her bedroom, and the world would be in our bedroom if I came out.  I don't know how to talk about my "stuff" without it having to do with her "stuff".  

Until then, the day that my outing won't effect her may be some time coming. (What if I came out and then my wife and I moved to Rigby Idaho?)

My favorite L word

OK, I admit that she has been at the top on my list for a long time now, but I think that she is now, and will be for all time, my favorite Lesbian.

This video actually made me cry like a fat 47 year old baby

I think I just coined a phrase! I'm The King of Marmohos!

MarMoHo.  It's my new word.

And I, myself, am king of the MarMoHos. Unfortunately, there are no cash prizes involved.  But the good news is that I already have a tiara.

No

I am a Married Mormon Homosexual.  That is, I am married to one of the opposite gender -- gay Mormon married man married to a wonderful woman.  She has always knows of my orientation because I told her before we ever dated.

And now it looks like we are going to be able to be sealed in the Temple.

We have had a bit of a struggle with church leaders over our wanting to be sealed.  Who'd have thunk?  former leaders of ours have questioned the appropriateness of our desire.  We have only been married for 15 years, after all.  It may be a little too soon.

Couples have been marrying for years -- couples that are opposite gender with one being a moho for YEARS and there has not been a question.  In fact, family members of mine with the same issue were discouraged to marry just one generation back.  I suppose no one even mentioned it to their church leaders before that.

I understand where our leaders are coming from.  The pendulum may have swung to the opposite side.  Instead of get married it will fix you, no they are saying, don't get married -- it wont work. However, I have said this with much respect, to our leaders:

My name is Cal Thompson and I am gay.  I am married to a woman who has completely different issues of her own.  I live with hers and she lives with mine, and we are OK with that.  We are true to each other, we have temple recommends received with honesty, and we wish to share the blessings that come from following the commandments of the Lord through his prophets.

Yes

Of course I could be getting myself worked up over nothing. This time, our bishop and stake president may not have a problem with following the church handbook.  OK, too passive aggressive. Let me try again...

This time, our bishop and stake president may not see the dissimilitudes between us and a "normal" couple. Maybe all our years of trying to do the right thing will be taken into consideration and I will be able to make my wife an honest woman.

And. no, you can't borrow my tiara.

Letter to the head marmoho (Married Mormon Homosexual)

In the first place, I am not the head Mar-mo-ho, but I have been at it for longer than the head marmoho and I am definitely a vocal marmoho. This letter is a good read.  Feel free to comment appropriately.

Cal,

I really appreciate your blog. As a gay man that finally came out to himself and his wife two years ago, I have been riding a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. Some days the pendulum swings towards Ty Mansfield and Northstar, and other days it swings towards Elton John and Ru Paul (Okay, the Elton John is a big exaggeration, but I think you understand what I am saying.)

What I have enjoyed about your blog is that you seem to align with many of the thoughts and feelings that I have come to over the past little bit. I don't see happiness choosing a path of being "authentic" (there are those quotes!) and leaving my family, especially with the quality and caliber of gay men that I have encountered. On the flip side, we have been separated for a little over a month now, and I feel that she would be happier in her life without me, and with a man that loves her fully.

Also during this time I have come to an uneasy truce with the church in my mind. I realize it is led by men, who are fallible and are not perfect. It is hard to rectify that with the gospel, which is infallible and perfect, and I still struggle with that. I guess I can deal with that on my own, but what I am looking for comes from questions and impressions that come to my mind during my reading of blogs about the wives perspective of being married to a gay man.

We have been married for 14 years now, and have had many trials and struggles, a number of them can be tied to my being dishonest about being gay. I still struggle with the fact that she wants to be with me, and feel like she is doing it out of a sense of duty or pity. I know that whether she stays or goes is ultimately her decision. She struggles with my refusal to renew my temple recommend, she thinks it is because I must be unworthy, when in reality I cannot justify getting a recommend when I don't believe I would be where I am without her as a mask (meaning that it is just by appearances that I can answer all the questions with a yes, but in my heart I know that I wouldn't be married to her if I had been initially honest with her, nor would I probably be an active member of the church.)

Anyway...thanks for what you write, yours is the only blog that has made me feel that I am not totally alone out here in an already lonely gay Mormon world.

After reading this letter I was impressed to comment that there are many men in the church that feel like they are not what they appear to be.  On the outside they try to look confident and secure with their beliefs, where inside they are struggling with their testimony, or with an addiction.  They may have marriages that are going through difficulties or deal with children that are less than perfect. Most of us feel inadequate in some way, or that we are not what we appear to be. Many of us deal with problems daily -- problems that we would gladly exchange for having to have daily dental work. But we put our socks on and tie our tie and go to church and smile.

Interesting his comment on being authentic.  It's a good word. I have been accused of not being authentic, or true to myself by many in the lifestyle.  Frankly, how would anyone else know which part of me is the true me, and whether or not I am being true to myself?  That would be an issue between those me and those closest to me, and my God.  

December brides and the Supreme Couurt

As of two hour ago, the Supreme Court has chosen to not to hear this term a cases referred to them by five states -- Utah included -- regarding same-sex marriage. 

From what I understand, that means that Utah will have its law allowing same sex marriage upheld and there will be gay marriages allowed before Christmas. Even sooner.

I am reminded of the War Prayer written by Mark Twain.  When Norma prays that gay marriages wont be allowed it affects Bob, who is praying for the right to marry his companion. Praying to get things done your way may very well mean that harm is done to others.  I believe that we should pray for us to know the way the Lord would have for us -- us, meaning all of us.

So, make sure that your cards for Williams-Sonoma, Babies 'r Us, and Sports Authority and the army surplus stores are paid up and active.

Regardless of your stance on gay marriage, it would behoove us as a people to wish those getting married happiness and health. Hate is not part of anyone gospel, certainly not the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

May we all follow the advice of Governor Herbert when he asked us all to act with respect and kindness toward our neighbor regardless of their support or non support of what is, for now, the law of the land. 

And let us pray to know how best to help our neighbors.

Socks and priesthood men

Here is a little something for you to do in General Priesthood meeting -- for those of you that go to the meeting at the Conference Center in Salt Lake, or at your local stake center. This game is a little like conference bingo.

-- Watch the ankles of the men.  The older the man is, the higher the socks will be.

It's true.  My socks are about to my knees.  I've seen a few support socks that I am salivating over. My sons socks are barely seen, and the hair on his legs threatens to take over the bench. My fathers socks wrap around his thighs and fasten onto his belt.

I'm guessing 27 to 29 by his socks and wrinkled jacket.

There will be a few colored and patterned socks paired with nice and expensive brown leather shoes.  I used to fall into this category.  I used to match my belt and shoes as well. And iron my shirt.

-- Also, watch for the "sleep stance".  The teens and younger men will lean over, forehead almost touching the pew in front of them, put their elbows on their knees and sleep in that pose.  Older men will just fall asleep where they stand.  Or sit.

-- Some will snort.  I am a snorter. A large snort doesn't come out of the blue.  Apparently I work up to the grand snort that wakes me up and makes everyone giggle.  When I do it in priesthood meeting, everyone around me pats me on the back in congratulations.

Others will nod and jerk.  I don't do that.  It would give me a headache.

-- Are you a white shirt-er?  Most everyone will be. There will be nicely laundered and pressed shirts, shirts thin enough to see a guys G's, button collar and pointy. There will be the occasional light blue shirt and, depending on the area, there may be a pink one.

The pink will not be some single guy who neglected to extract his new red Utes tee shirt from his whites.  He will be wearing the pink button-down by choice.  Who knows what he was thinking.  Due to the errant Utes shirt, one can guesstimate that he is a rebel. Or that he has no taste.  (Pink is fine, but Utah?)

Bottom line is that there is room for everyone, regardless of the style. The white shirt and black suit uniform is not mandatory.  It is more important how you live your life and what kind of person you are trying to be.

Hover, please rethink anything having to do with the U of U. Talk about tacky.

No need for Mormons to think?

Are the LDS people blindly obedient?  Have we left our thinking in the parking lots of church houses across the world? A quote church detractors often use to support their claim, that members of the LDS church are blind in their obedience, originated in the Improvement Era of June 1945.

“SUSTAINING THE GENERAL AUTHORITIES OF THE CHURCH” NO Latter-day Saint is compelled to sustain the General Authorities of the Church. When given the opportunity to vote on the proposition in any of the several conferences held throughout the Church, he may indicate his willingness to sustain them by raising his right hand; he may manifest his opposition in like manner; or he may ignore the opportunity entirely. There is no element of coercion or force in this or any other Church procedure. However, there is the principle of honor involved in the member’s choice. When a person raises his hand to sustain Church leaders as “prophets, seers, and revelators,” it is the same as a promise and a covenant to follow their leadership and to abide by their counsel as the living oracles of God. Consequently, any subsequent act or word of mouth which is at variance with the will of the Lord as taught by the leaders of the Church places the sincerity of such person in serious doubt. One could scarcely have claim upon complete integrity, if he raises his hand to sustain the Authorities of the Church and then proceeds in opposition to their counsel... ...It should be remembered that Lucifer has a very cunning way of convincing unsuspecting souls that the General Authorities of the Church are as likely to be wrong as they are to be right. This sort of game is Satan’s favorite pastime, and he has practiced it on believing souls since Adam. He wins a great victory when he can get members of the Church to speak against their leaders and to “do their own thinking.” He specializes in suggesting that our leaders are in error while he plays the blinding rays of apostasy in the eyes of those whom he thus beguiles. What cunning! And to think that some of our members are deceived by this trickery. The following words of the Prophet Joseph Smith should be memorized by every Latter-day Saint and repeated often enough to insure their never being forgotten: I will give you one of the Keys of the mysteries of the Kingdom. It is an eternal principle, that has existed with God from all eternity: That man who rises up to condemn others, finding fault with the Church, saying that they are out of the way, while he himself is righteous, then know assuredly, that that man is in the high road to apostasy; and if he does not repent, will apostatize, as God lives. (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, pp. 156-157.) When our leaders speak, the thinking has been done. When they propose a plan–it is God’s plan. When they point the way, there is no other which is safe. When they give direction, it should mark the end of controversy. God works in no other way. To think otherwise, without immediate repentance, may cost one his faith, may destroy his testimony, and leave him a stranger to the kingdom of God.

As you can guess, this message caused a bit of commotion. Dr. J. Raymond Cope,who was the leader of the First Unitarian Society in Utah expressed concerns in a cordial letter.

President Smith responded by letter as well -- one meant to clarify.

My dear Dr. Cope:

I have read with interest and deep concern your letter of November 16, 1945, in which you make special comment on “a short religious editorial prepared by one of (our) leaders entitled “Sustaining the General Authorities of the Church'”. You say that you read the message with amazement, and that you have since been disturbed because of its effect upon members of the Church.

I am gratified with the spirit of friendliness that pervades your letter, and thank you for having taken the time to write to me.

The leaflet to which you refer, and from which you quote in your letter, was not “prepared” by “one of our leaders.” However, one or more of them inadvertently permitted the paragraph to pass uncensored. By their so doing, not a few members of the Church have been upset in their feelings, and General Authorities have been embarrassed.

I am pleased to assure you that you are right in your attitude that the passage quoted does not express the true position of the Church. Even to imply that members of the Church are not to do their own thinking is grossly to misrepresent the true ideal of the Church, which is that every individual must obtain for himself a testimony of the truth of the Gospel, must, through the redemption of Jesus Christ, work out his own salvation, and is personally responsible to His Maker for his individual acts. The Lord Himself does not attempt coercion in His desire and effort to give peace and salvation to His children. He gives the principles of life and true progress, but leaves every person free to choose or to reject His teachings. This plan the Authorities of the Church try to follow.

The Prophet Joseph Smith once said: “I want liberty of thinking and believing as I please.” This liberty he and his successors in the leadership of the Church have granted to every other member thereof.

On one occasion in answer to the question by a prominent visitor how he governed his people, the Prophet answered: “I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves.”

Again, as recorded in the History of the Church (Volume 5, page 498 [499] Joseph Smith said further: “If I esteem mankind to be in error, shall I bear them down? No. I will lift them up, and in their own way too, if I cannot persuade them my way is better; and I will not seek to compel any man to believe as I do, only by the force of reasoning, for truth will cut its own way.”

I cite these few quotations, from many that might be given, merely to confirm your good and true opinion that the Church gives to every man his free agency, and admonishes him always to use the reason and good judgment with which God has blessed him.

In the advocacy of this principle leaders of the Church not only join congregations in singing but quote frequently the following:

“Know this, that every soul is free
To choose his life and what he’ll be,
For this eternal truth is given
That God will force no man to heaven.”

Again I thank you for your manifest friendliness and for your expressed willingness to cooperate in every way to establish good will and harmony among the people with whom we are jointly laboring to bring brotherhood and tolerance.

Faithfully yours,

Geo. Albert Smith [signed]*

*George A. Smith Papers (Manuscript no. 36, Box 63-8A), Special Collections, Marriott Library, University of Utah, Salt Lake City, Utah. 

So, are the members blindly obedient?  Members of the church in good standing are obedient.  They are not blind.  They make the choice to be obedient.  Men of the priesthood are obedient to the words of the Lord, and we believe that the prophets speak the word of the Lord.  

I have upon occasion, heard something in General Conference that took time for me to understand, But I have prayed and considered and have decided to support the general authorities.  

Many in the gay communities believe that the General authorities are wrong in the stance for male/female marriage.  Does this belief fall into the same category?  What say you?

Also see --   http://www.fairmormon.org/perspectives/publications/when-the-prophet-speaks-is-the-thinking-done