Thursday, March 4, 2010

Peg Me! Peg Me!*

I threw a tantrum today, a manly man hissy-fit of a thing. It was after some Joe Shmo started to tell me all about the kind of person he thought I was.

Someone who barely knew me! I was mad enough that coming home I swerved to hit a cat in the road. Unfortunately, I didn't connect. That would have made my day. Cats are too quick, darn it all. I can't really blame trying to hit the cat on being in a bad mood. But I am going to anyway. I kept saying to myself that this Joe Shmo must "be the kind of person that..." and then proceed to peg* the heck out of him myself.

I hate being pegged, and yet I am the worlds best/worst peg-er. I have a love/hate relationship with being judged. On one hand I want to be an individual, independent and unique. On the other hand, I want that which I see others as having. Yet I want to stand apart.

I want the shoes everyone thinks is cool, but then I want them in blue instead of red. I want to go with my own style until I think that, somehow, it's not cool anymore. And then I want to be like everyone else...only different. I am a freakin' loon.

Problem is, I cant make up my mind. It's not just a Prozac thing either. I have been off and on again with medication enough that I can safely and confidently ruled that out.

I sometimes think I have been enamored of being gay – that I celebrated my gayness because it made me automatically different from the rest. Then, at the drop of a fusha feather, I would jump ship and want to suppress all my homo-a-tude so I could be one of the guys in priesthood meeting during general conference with khakis and black socks taking notes in their day planner.

Just when I thought I had me pegged*, I want out.

So, what is it that I want?

Somehow I have made a correlation in my head: Same as other guys = Good. Or could it be something as simple as "the grass is greener" syndrome that has kept me luke-warm?

I want to be unique. And I want to be the same. I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be celebrated for the special qualities that make up me. I want to have the blessings that I see others have. I want to feel loved as I see them being loved.

And I am not confident that I am worth that love.

But, of course I am worth it. How do I get to the point where I quit sabotaging myself and step up? The Lord wants me to have all the blessings available – and there are many, many available.

So, what am I going to do differently? 'Cause if I just keep doing the same 'ol same 'ol, then I'm not getting anything different that what I have gotten for years. Like the bumper sticker says, if I want to be somewhere different than I am, I've got to change where I am going.

So I've created a list.

1.Love others, show others the same respect I demand for myself. And I do demand it.
2.Do something today that I don't really want to do.
3.Do something by inspiration. Ask the lord what he needs from me.
4.Take care of my family.
5.Worry less about what I don't believe, and concern myself with what I do believe.

This is how I am going to keep my individuality, stay a good married man/dad/son of God, & celebrate all the talents, abilities and qualities that have come along with my being a MoHo Priesthood Man.

I am hoping to find that the shoes I wear with my khakis ain't so important.

*It has been brought to my attention that "peggin" someone may have several meanings. For usage here, Think of the one that maked you laugh. I'm using the other.


  1. Khakies and nylon socks, white shirt and tie. SOunds familure! I slept through most of general pristhood meeting with my head in my hands elbows on knees. I like that this is a believe in something - not against something blog.

  2. The title of your post took me by surprise. "Pegging" is common urban slang for something else. :- )

  3. I sometimes hate it when people tell me to dress a certain way, just because I'm gay. I've always been a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy, but I'll be a hypocrite by saying that I sometimes envy those guys who take the time to "doll themselves up" because they look so darn good. Thing is, nice and fashionable more often means temporary, and I find myself wanting to buy a good book instead.

    It's still t-shirt and jeans for me, but I've been making a few exceptions now and then. I get a kick out of surprising friends with a "new look."


  4. I so agree with taking action and changing your life. I get caught in the muck and get bogged down and then cant even do the normal stuff - letalone reach and grow. Thanks for this blog and the effort into it.

  5. what is with Elders and black nylon socks? Is it part of the uniform?

  6. I like the list- hope you're sticking to it! I will steal a few of those goals...

  7. Me too. Good goals to have . This is a decent blog. Thanks to Mr thompson for the writing and for the guts to post.