Gay Mormon Man / PriesthoodMen: Peg Me! Peg Me!*

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Peg Me! Peg Me!*

I threw a tantrum today, a manly man hissy-fit of a thing. It was after some Joe Shmo started to tell me all about the kind of person he thought I was.

Someone who barely knew me! I was mad enough that coming home I swerved to hit a cat in the road. Unfortunately, I didn't connect. That would have made my day. Cats are too quick, darn it all. I can't really blame trying to hit the cat on being in a bad mood. But I am going to anyway. I kept saying to myself that this Joe Shmo must "be the kind of person that..." and then proceed to peg* the heck out of him myself.

I hate being pegged, and yet I am the worlds best/worst peg-er. I have a love/hate relationship with being judged. On one hand I want to be an individual, independent and unique. On the other hand, I want that which I see others as having. Yet I want to stand apart.

I want the shoes everyone thinks is cool, but then I want them in blue instead of red. I want to go with my own style until I think that, somehow, it's not cool anymore. And then I want to be like everyone else...only different. I am a freakin' loon.

Problem is, I cant make up my mind. It's not just a Prozac thing either. I have been off and on again with medication enough that I can safely and confidently ruled that out.

I sometimes think I have been enamored of being gay – that I celebrated my gayness because it made me automatically different from the rest. Then, at the drop of a fusha feather, I would jump ship and want to suppress all my homo-a-tude so I could be one of the guys in priesthood meeting during general conference with khakis and black socks taking notes in their day planner.

Just when I thought I had me pegged*, I want out.

So, what is it that I want?

Somehow I have made a correlation in my head: Same as other guys = Good. Or could it be something as simple as "the grass is greener" syndrome that has kept me luke-warm?

I want to be unique. And I want to be the same. I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be celebrated for the special qualities that make up me. I want to have the blessings that I see others have. I want to feel loved as I see them being loved.

And I am not confident that I am worth that love.

But, of course I am worth it. How do I get to the point where I quit sabotaging myself and step up? The Lord wants me to have all the blessings available – and there are many, many available.

So, what am I going to do differently? 'Cause if I just keep doing the same 'ol same 'ol, then I'm not getting anything different that what I have gotten for years. Like the bumper sticker says, if I want to be somewhere different than I am, I've got to change where I am going.

So I've created a list.

1.Love others, show others the same respect I demand for myself. And I do demand it.
2.Do something today that I don't really want to do.
3.Do something by inspiration. Ask the lord what he needs from me.
4.Take care of my family.
5.Worry less about what I don't believe, and concern myself with what I do believe.

This is how I am going to keep my individuality, stay a good married man/dad/son of God, & celebrate all the talents, abilities and qualities that have come along with my being a MoHo Priesthood Man.

I am hoping to find that the shoes I wear with my khakis ain't so important.

*It has been brought to my attention that "peggin" someone may have several meanings. For usage here, Think of the one that maked you laugh. I'm using the other.

7 comments:

dougsMarch 4, 2010 at 10:27 PM
Khakies and nylon socks, white shirt and tie. SOunds familure! I slept through most of general pristhood meeting with my head in my hands elbows on knees. I like that this is a believe in something - not against something blog.
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MoHoHawaiiMarch 5, 2010 at 12:17 AM
The title of your post took me by surprise. "Pegging" is common urban slang for something else. :- )
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Color KiddiesMarch 7, 2010 at 11:03 AM
I sometimes hate it when people tell me to dress a certain way, just because I'm gay. I've always been a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy, but I'll be a hypocrite by saying that I sometimes envy those guys who take the time to "doll themselves up" because they look so darn good. Thing is, nice and fashionable more often means temporary, and I find myself wanting to buy a good book instead.

It's still t-shirt and jeans for me, but I've been making a few exceptions now and then. I get a kick out of surprising friends with a "new look."

--Carlo
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johnbMarch 7, 2010 at 5:08 PM
I so agree with taking action and changing your life. I get caught in the muck and get bogged down and then cant even do the normal stuff - letalone reach and grow. Thanks for this blog and the effort into it.
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guy jamesMarch 9, 2010 at 3:18 PM
what is with Elders and black nylon socks? Is it part of the uniform?
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recover and thriveMarch 17, 2010 at 12:10 PM
I like the list- hope you're sticking to it! I will steal a few of those goals...
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AnonymousApril 2, 2010 at 12:28 AM
Me too. Good goals to have . This is a decent blog. Thanks to Mr thompson for the writing and for the guts to post.
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I order to better understand one another, I think it would be wise to understand the terms used in these essays. What I propose is an Examination for Discovery, which is briefly a meeting of the opposing sides in a lawsuit where the plaintiff and defendant, with their attorneys, meet to examine each others claims and see whether they can find some area of agreement and thus save the time of the court later on. This is assuming that there is common ground, and I believe that even the most cynical of us would agree that there is.

It will be hard to understand one another if you think blue is periwinkle and I think blue is turquoise. I know that the differences may not be a big deal - between periwinkle and turquoise - but I think its best to be incredibly clear. We both may disagree on what blue is, but, for purposes of communication, we will use the terms as listed here - adding when needed.

Of coarse they may be subject to change and/or refinement with experience and further knowledge – and with feedback. Being that this is a blog and not a diatribe, I get to lead I suppose.

List of Common Terms On Which We May Agree
or Agree To Agree On For Sake of Discussion*

For sensitivity reasons we wanted to run this list past my Gramma Ruby, which would have been really helpful not to mention miraculous because she died at an Elizabeth Dole Rally in Boise)

Active: 1) A lifestyle characterized by frequent or various social, intellectual, and particularly physical activities; 2) In geology, a volcano which erupts regularly; 3) A member of the LDS Church who is often seen carrying brownies, scriptures or children back and forth to Church.

Affirmation: 1) A positive assertion. 2) An organization for LDS homosexuals and the people that love them, but not affiliated or supported by the LDS Church.

Sentence: Falling off of the stage was the affirmation she needed to confirm the universality of gravity.

Acronyms: SGA, SGB, SGI SGA: Same Gender (sexual) Attraction SGB: Same Gender (sexual) Behavior SGI: Same Gender (gay) Identity

OGA, OGB, OGI OGA: Opposite Gender (sexual) attraction OGB: Opposite Gender (sexual) behavior OGI: Opposite Gender (heterosexual) identity.

Sentence: The LDS SGA think OGA from ID, WO and MT dress like the NFL.

Beehive: 1) Home to bees, 2) A height-positive sixties hair style which many Mormon women continued to wear through the seventies and into late nineties and early 00’s with a slight revamp; 3) Young woman’s organization of girls who can’t drive yet.

Bisexual: 1) A sexual behavior or an orientation involving physical, mental or romantic attraction to both males and females.

Choice: 1) A decision between two or more option, and often referred to as free agency, personal rights and freedom.

Sentence: The choice for Juan Carlo was to either be eaten alive by the anaconda or jump from the boat into the mouth of the hungry crocodile.

Church: 1) An identifiable religious body under a common name; 2) a physical structure often equipped with a satellite dish, food warming area and an indoor basketball court.

Sentence: The ambulance and two squad cars were sent to the ball game at the Church between the elders and the priests due to last year’s “incident.”

Closet: 1) Upright storage space for clothing; 2) Slang reference to the status of an individual wishing to remain private about his/her sex life and who hasn’t acknowledged their SGA feelings yet to friends and family members.

Sentence: He had been in the closet so long he smelled like cedar and old shoes.

Coming Out: 1) The act of leaving a building or structure. 2) The process of telling people about one’s homosexuality is often referred to as coming out.

Sentence: “It’s just not coming out”, muttered Sister Macbeth as she compulsively applied spot remover.

Conversion therapy, or reparative therapy or reorientation therapy: 1) A type of sexual orientation change effort that attempts to change the sexual orientation of a person from homosexual or bisexual to heterosexual. In the past techniques have included psychoanalytic group therapy involving aversive conditioning, electric shock or nausea-inducing drugs, and may have included sex therapy. Today there seems to be a more subtle and genteel approach which is being met with more success,

Down Low or DL : 1)This term means different things to different people, however generally it connotes dishonesty and hiding. 2) A term for men who discreetly have sex with other men while in marital relationships with women. Often these men do not consider themselves homosexual or bisexual, and their female partners are generally not aware of these infidelities.

Ex-Gay: Term for those who have experienced SGAttraction and who, for religious or other reasons, have chosen not to embrace a gay identity, or to engage in SGA behavior.

Family Group Sheets: 1) Forms used in annotating genealogy; 2) Money saving tactics for Mormon families at bedtime.

Sentence: Laverne and Lavelle grab your sister and a family group sheet and get you off to bed.

Families are Forever: 1) LDS catch phrase originating in the early eighties - referring to the belief that temple sealed families created on earth can move into the next life together. 2) The prevalent attitude after two weeks of dealing with the new in-laws.

Sentence: Did you hear our new sister-in-law-sing the Duran-Duran Medley? Are families really forever?

Folk Doctrine: 1) Doctrines that develop from prevailing rumor.

Sentence: Three stakes in Pocatello have been asked to spear-head a pilot program for the Churches new Work and Glory aerobics program.

Gay: 1) A happy and joyful method of celebrating holidays often sung about in English Carols and Fred Astaire films. 2) A common term for an individual attracted to their same gender. Gay has been a widely used synonym of "male homosexual." Its meaning is rapidly evolving to refer to both male and female homosexuals. Some people differentiate between homosexual and gay: homosexual is regarded as a sexual orientation; gay is a political identity -- i.e. an advocate for equal rights for persons of all sexual orientations

Sentence: Sister Fellows always regretted naming her eldest son after her favorite uncle, Gaylord.

Gender: 1) The set of characteristics that distinguish between female and male members of a species. It is often used interchangeably with the word "sex" denoting the condition of being male or female.

Sentence: “But, Julie,” Cal whined, “I simply don’t have an inoffensive sentence for the word gender.”

Genealogy: 1) An activity Mormons do happily while praying to hook up with a distant relative who has done all the work.

Sentence: Brother The-Hun was a bit disturbed when his grandma showed him his genealogy line went directly to some guy named Attila.

Heterosexual: 1) People whose emotional, sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for those of the opposite sex or having to do with opposite sex attraction.

Homophobia: 1) An irrational fear, prejudice or discrimination towards homosexuals. Homophobia can take many forms, from name-calling and teasing to serious crimes like assault and murder. Homophobia like other irrational fears is most often based on ignorance.

Homosexual: 1) People whose emotional, sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for those of the same sex or having to do with same sex attraction.

In: See out.

Last days: 1) A horrific time of floods, famines, political strife and food storage eating – much like yesterday.

Sentence: The last days of a back to school sale appear to be frequented by women on a weekend pass from the state hospital.

Lesbian: Term to describe sexual and romantic desire between females.

Lifestyle: The term lifestyle (as in gay lifestyle) has become a polarizing term though used by gay and lesbian people in the past. “Those in the lifestyle” usually means “those who identify as gay", though it may refer to behavior as well as identity - much as LDS lifestyle would mean those living the teachings or of the culture, or East Coast Lifestyle may refer to black turtle necks, bookstores and apartment living.

Many are called, but few are chosen: 1) What I keep telling myself when I am asked to be on the ward activities committee again.

Mixed Marriage: For our purposes here, a union between one of “heterosexual” orientation with one dealing with SGA.

Out: See in.

Prophet: 1) A man called of God who holds the keys to direct the Church and to speak for Jesus Christ. The President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a chosen prophet, seer and revelator.

SSA: 1) Acronym for Same Sex Attraction. The LDS Church prefers SGA, (which I always thought stood for Star Gate Atlantis reruns) but actually means Same Gender Attraction. SSA and SGA are terms not highly favored among the gay community. Neither, for that matter, is the phrase “gay community”.

Sentence: ST-TNG and SGA are playing all week on SI-FI.

Sin: To behave in a manner that is contrary to the revealed commandments of God.

Transgendered: A designation of person whose identity does not conform to conventional notions of male or female gender roles.

Quotes, Quotation Marks: Tool used to set apart a word or phrase. For our purposes here, generally speaking, using quotation marks to denote words such as “gay” or “homosexual” is offensive. If you are not comfortable with using a term from the “so-called other side”, then it is recommended that a substitute which doesn't involve quote marks is found.

Sentence: I am offended that “he” just used quotations on the phrase other side.

Straight: 1) A direction which veers neither to the left or the right. 2) A slang term used in the place of heterosexual.

Sentence: The geography club, Straights of Magellan is not accepting new members.

Strait is the gate and narrow is the way: 1) Popular scripture quote used to encourage righteous living and weight loss.

Tithing: 1) One tenth of one’s income donated voluntarily to the LDS Church for upkeep and needed things.

Sentence: Ten percent of nothing is still nothing.

Urim and Thummim: 1) Tool used by Joseph Smith to translate the Book of Mormon. 2) What I wish I had to understand my kids text messages.

Wickedness Never Was Happiness: 1) What Cal’s first missionary companion in the MTC from Macon Georga wrote on his left bicep with a sharpie when visas to Central America didn’t come through on time. 2) Comment made by those on their way to Church when a boat or motor-home pulls up in the next lane of traffic.

This is a blog for Mormon SSA* men who wish to follow the teachings of the LDS church while owning their Homosexuality. It can be done! This blog-spot is written by a sort-of smart gay man who is a card-carrying member of the LDS church and hopes to remain so. He will remain so by following the teachings of the prophets. His motto for today is "Many a true word spoken in jest," and he will try to not be so charming.

Mr. Thompson thinks he knows just about everything. Lately, it has been proposed that he may, in actuality, not. He is trying to be open to that thought.