Thursday, March 4, 2010

Peg Me! Peg Me!*

I threw a tantrum today, a manly man hissy-fit of a thing. It was after some Joe Shmo started to tell me all about the kind of person he thought I was.

Someone who barely knew me! I was mad enough that coming home I swerved to hit a cat in the road. Unfortunately, I didn't connect. That would have made my day. Cats are too quick, darn it all. I can't really blame trying to hit the cat on being in a bad mood. But I am going to anyway. I kept saying to myself that this Joe Shmo must "be the kind of person that..." and then proceed to peg* the heck out of him myself.

I hate being pegged, and yet I am the worlds best/worst peg-er. I have a love/hate relationship with being judged. On one hand I want to be an individual, independent and unique. On the other hand, I want that which I see others as having. Yet I want to stand apart.

I want the shoes everyone thinks is cool, but then I want them in blue instead of red. I want to go with my own style until I think that, somehow, it's not cool anymore. And then I want to be like everyone else...only different. I am a freakin' loon.

Problem is, I cant make up my mind. It's not just a Prozac thing either. I have been off and on again with medication enough that I can safely and confidently ruled that out.

I sometimes think I have been enamored of being gay – that I celebrated my gayness because it made me automatically different from the rest. Then, at the drop of a fusha feather, I would jump ship and want to suppress all my homo-a-tude so I could be one of the guys in priesthood meeting during general conference with khakis and black socks taking notes in their day planner.

Just when I thought I had me pegged*, I want out.

So, what is it that I want?

Somehow I have made a correlation in my head: Same as other guys = Good. Or could it be something as simple as "the grass is greener" syndrome that has kept me luke-warm?

I want to be unique. And I want to be the same. I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be celebrated for the special qualities that make up me. I want to have the blessings that I see others have. I want to feel loved as I see them being loved.

And I am not confident that I am worth that love.

But, of course I am worth it. How do I get to the point where I quit sabotaging myself and step up? The Lord wants me to have all the blessings available – and there are many, many available.

So, what am I going to do differently? 'Cause if I just keep doing the same 'ol same 'ol, then I'm not getting anything different that what I have gotten for years. Like the bumper sticker says, if I want to be somewhere different than I am, I've got to change where I am going.

So I've created a list.

1.Love others, show others the same respect I demand for myself. And I do demand it.
2.Do something today that I don't really want to do.
3.Do something by inspiration. Ask the lord what he needs from me.
4.Take care of my family.
5.Worry less about what I don't believe, and concern myself with what I do believe.

This is how I am going to keep my individuality, stay a good married man/dad/son of God, & celebrate all the talents, abilities and qualities that have come along with my being a MoHo Priesthood Man.

I am hoping to find that the shoes I wear with my khakis ain't so important.


*It has been brought to my attention that "peggin" someone may have several meanings. For usage here, Think of the one that maked you laugh. I'm using the other.

7 comments:

  1. Khakies and nylon socks, white shirt and tie. SOunds familure! I slept through most of general pristhood meeting with my head in my hands elbows on knees. I like that this is a believe in something - not against something blog.

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  2. The title of your post took me by surprise. "Pegging" is common urban slang for something else. :- )

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  3. I sometimes hate it when people tell me to dress a certain way, just because I'm gay. I've always been a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy, but I'll be a hypocrite by saying that I sometimes envy those guys who take the time to "doll themselves up" because they look so darn good. Thing is, nice and fashionable more often means temporary, and I find myself wanting to buy a good book instead.

    It's still t-shirt and jeans for me, but I've been making a few exceptions now and then. I get a kick out of surprising friends with a "new look."

    --Carlo

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  4. I so agree with taking action and changing your life. I get caught in the muck and get bogged down and then cant even do the normal stuff - letalone reach and grow. Thanks for this blog and the effort into it.

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  5. what is with Elders and black nylon socks? Is it part of the uniform?

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  6. I like the list- hope you're sticking to it! I will steal a few of those goals...

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  7. Me too. Good goals to have . This is a decent blog. Thanks to Mr thompson for the writing and for the guts to post.

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