MarMoHo-Ho-Ho or Gay Mormon, Amen

I am creating a few New Year resolutions today. I am trying to approach new year goals with the serious resolve I reserve for the scriptures, my CD collection and dessert. 

Dessert is a serious subject for those who do not drink, smoke, vote democrat* -- and for those of us mar-mo-hos who don't have sex outside of marriage.

MarMoHo, a term I created to describe my condition;  Married, Mormon Homosexual.  And we are getting a lot of attention these days. Not as much as as Into the Woods or North Korea, but a lot.

Someone e-mailed me a day or two ago with a comment.  "Why is is such a big deal to be gay, Mormon and married.  All you have to do is step out and have sex with any guy you want and then go back home to the wife and clean up."

No.

No, that's not what we do.  We are committed men who commit to a woman, commit to our church and make covenants with the Lord to remain morally clean.  There is no sex on the DL. 

No. Just wanted to clear that up.

Back to New Years Resolutions

A lot of people I know tell me they don't believe in making resolutions for the New Year. They believe that they are just setting themselves up for failure by setting a goal that is un-obtainable, or one they know they aren't going to keep anyway.

First, why bother to set a goal you don't intend to commit to, or one that you don't think you can reach? I always think I can reach these goals. That is my charm and my downfall. If I really am serious about a goal, then dang it, I'm gonna get it done! It's not my ability that is in question.

I believe, due to my exhaustive experience in goal-failing, that success is is really based on attitude. If you, after three days of going without a Diet Coke have a complete and total meltdown and inhale a caffeinated beverage at breakneck speed suffering whiplash in the process, then yes, you screwed up. 

You recommit to the goal or make a new one. You don't just give up. You don't just say screw it, I can never give up caffeine, so why even try.

How about a goal to loose weight. I would love to loose ten pounds this year. Actually I would like to loose ten pounds this week. So I do well for several days and then, Whammo! I eat an entire Marie Calenders chocolate silk pie with pecan crust. Is it over for me? 

No freakin way. I will chase it down with a large caffeinated beverage of my choice and try it again tomorrow!

For some, trying become morally clean is a similar endeavor.  They hoard a pie and then diet for a couple weeks. This is a really funky cycle that has to be broken. 
Those who are serious enough to break the cycle and commit to a marriage are serious.  Don't mess with us. We still face challenges, but we have had huge successes also. Thank God, literally, for successes that keep us in the game.

For those who are thinking of life as a MarMoHo, remember that failure is never final. Make Heavenly Father part of the process, keep a sense of humor and try a little harder. It will be worth it.

And hand me a Diet Coke.



*Sometimes I vote Democrat.  It depends on who's suit and shoes I like better.

Utah politicians fight same-sex marriage

A federal judge in Utah has ordered the state to permit same-sex marriages.  This decision seems to be transforming the local gay-rights stage into a grand showing on a national civil rights stage -- and frankly, I am happy to have the battle happen in my adopted home state.

Is marriage a civil right, Mormons ask?

Utah officials, including Governor Gary Herbert, asked US Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor to put a temporarily stay on the federal judge’s decision made on December 20th of 2013 -- a ruling that requires the state of Utah to permit same-sex marriages as per constitutional law despite a state constitutional amendment outlawing same sex marriage.

Justice Sotomayor responded by saying no, and requesting more information from legal representatives of several gay couples who have been challenging the initial Utah state ban. Those briefs are due in court on Friday, Jan 3rd.

Meanwhile -- back at the farm --  more than 900 same-sex couples have taken advantage of the judge’s ruling and have obtain marriage licenses in Utah.

The Christian Science Monitor states: "The immediate question is whether the judge’s same-sex marriage order should be stayed pending further appeals, the underlying issues will require Sotomayor – and perhaps the entire high court – to address the single most significant question in the legal debate over gay marriage. The question is whether same-sex couples have a fundamental right to marry under the US Constitution."

Once again, the national question is not whether the public agrees with homosexuals or homosexuality, or even the right to be homosexual.  What is being decided is whether marriage is a civil right as defined by the constitution.

My Own Damn Fault

He probably would have responded better...

Open Letter to a Facebook "Friend":


You got me. I thought you were just interested in knowing my POV. However it now looks like you googled "naive Mormon gay guy" until you found someone who would be kind enough to answer a question or two.


You led off your correspondence with “Personally (in regard to your mixed orientation marriage)I believe that you are incorrect.”  With a whole slew of differences between us, this may be the biggie. I do not claim to be in a position to judge anyone else – a task I am grateful that Christ has claimed for only himself. Though I am an arrogant, arrogant man, and even I wouldn’t dare.


For you to tell me over face book – without ever meeting me – that I am not fair to my wife because we don't seem to fit into your idea of marriage is downright silly and is reminiscent of the arguments we are used to hearing from those who oppose gay marriage.  What would you think if, in all my ignorance, I said something silly like your marriage is a sham because it doesn't fit into my notion of what a real relationship is? Would you be as upset as I am? Putting down/minimizing my relationship with my wife is uncalled for.


I have never said it is sinful to be gay, and for you to assume that because I am a Mormon I am anti-gay is rash - and mistaken.  I will never say such a thing. I do not believe that God makes mistakes. He made me what I am. I am betting He did the same for you. I believe in personal revelation. I believe that His son, the Lord Jesus Christ can guide me through the Holy Spirit, through modern prophets, and through scripture.


I am making no comparisons to other churches and their beliefs or observances, not do I use their practices to dictate or confirm my own beliefs. Another church may allow, permit or consent to a number of things. In my church, the men don’t make the rules. It is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We believe that Jesus Christ makes the rules. I am in the church I am in because I have researched and made a choice. Sounds like you have, too.


I appreciate your choice and honor your right to it.  Wither I agree with it or not is no ones business and I would never volunteer my opinion to anyone other than my wife, from whom I have no secrets.   By the same token, It is not your place to offer me unsolicited feedback concerning where you think I am wrong.  I may have to concede this argument because I have invited others, to a degree, into my personal life by the very nature of this blog.


Yes I am gay. I am gay, and so much more. I am a husband and a father and an artist and a writer. I am a softball coach and a choir director. I am an author and a blogger. I teach sometimes when they asked me in my church, and I strive to be worthy to use the priesthood (not just a calling but authority and power) actively by following the commandments/rules that God has asked of me. I know what he has asked of me because I listen to the words of his prophets.


I write a blog for gay Mormons because of what I thought of as a dearth of information available and I thought I could help those who feel as I do about their own lives and the direction the Lord wants for them. It is not for all, and it is not for many. But it is for a few.

I am not aggressively judging anyone one else. Including you. I would never tell you you are wrong, or smile and patronize and claim that you "just don’t understand", and I am a little miffed as to why you seem to take that stance toward me.


I am Gay.  I am a Mormon.  I have a temple recommend - meaning I am card carrying.  I'm not going anywhere.  Google that.


And, yes, I do feel better now.

Empha-Sex



Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice.

-Robert Frost

I recently posted the question of what to do for Valentine’s Day. I wanted ideas of what would be original and fun. The responses I got were mostly hypo-sexual – the kind of references that, frankly, I wouldn’t use in front of anyone I knew and respected. It seemed clear that for a huge number of people, sex equaled love: Valentine’s Day was for sex: Sex was the main/only/most important expression of love.

Remember, I am somewhat a conservative Mormon talking here. (If a gay Mormon is considered conservative) With my conservative background, I have been skewered (deliberate word choice) in a different direction.

I have never been what I thought "real guys" were. I considered sex to be something kept underground, something taboo for the “kind” of person I wanted to be. It was not for the guys in black socks, khaki pants and white shirts. The kind of guy I wanted to be.

My kind of man knew what he wanted, and what he wanted was more of an eternal nature. He wanted love. He wanted a relationship, communication, cooperation, companionship and expression. Sex was none of these things. Sex was something different.

Sex was urges, physical passion, and gratification. Love was not sex. The men I knew didn’t have sex as I understood it. They had wives and families and had appropriate, neutral, controlled expressions of love. They had sex to procreate, and then they went and earned some money to pay the mortgage.

So I tried that. Both. At the same time. I tried to have one, which seemed incredibly incompatible with the other. I kept them separate.

Talk about the swinging pendulum. Even today I have a difficult time with sex as part of an expression rather than simply fulfillment of physical desire. Most people who say that love is more than sex are thought of as prudish, naive, or as one reader said, “He has obviously never had spine tingling sex”. The thought seems to be that if you can think of anything other than sex, you haven’t had the right sex.

I know what it is to have tingling sex. Am I allowed to say that it was wonderful, and then to add-in the same sentence - that I want that and more? I want the sex and I want the relationship. I want the tingles and a commitment and I don't want one for a couple years so I can say I did it and then move on.

Even PBS is against me. A recent documentary emphases that man is not meant to be monogamous. That even women’s menstrual cycles are timed to encourage promiscuity, and that man would be better off genetically if he spread his stuff around instead of sticking with one partner.

Is this really where we are as a people that we are still comparing ourselves to members in the animal kingdom? This seems like the equivalent of “everyone’s doing it”, which is an excuse doesn’t fly past Jr High school. So, everyone is doing it. And I have had my share.

It is true that I have work to do in becoming emotionally healthy. I get that. I get that views towards sex need to change.

And I don’t generally look to PBS for answers to my problems. But the questions this last week has presented beg questions. But what if, after all the counseling and coming to terms and prioritizing, I want, expect more from a partner than sex? What if I consider myself to be more than just a link in someone’s reproductive food chain? Sex plus relationship, plus commitment, plus understanding?

A heightened sense of mutual well being. That topic would not make it to PBS because that would be called religion. When sex is everything, the instructions are easy to follow. When sex is one forth or one fifth of a relationship, when there is something that has to be achieved, the PBS documentary during sweeps week becomes simplistic at best.

I don’t want a club, or a bobsled partner. I don’t think I need to have every sexual whim satisfied. I do want sex as part of the physical/emotional experience.

And I want to be part of something more than just me.

Blessings and SGAttraction

I was asked today by a non-family member to give a blessing.  My neighbor has been feeling poorly and she sent one of my kids who was playing outside to find out if I would come over. 

When I am poorly, a blessing is not the first thing I think of (not that her decision was off the cuff or flippant). I usually go for a pill and a diet coke. Actually, a pill and a diet coke sounds like the solution to most of life’s problems. That she would step outside herself and have the wherewithal to consider a priesthood blessing impresses me.

A little sad to say that I had to give pause.  My life has not been one clean and reverent and ready to assist in things of the spirit.  Maybe the mental listing is just a habit because I have not always been in that position to help. 

I am happy to report that, with a quick change of clothes and a little hair gel, I sit here waiting for a call to tell me when to come over.  Okay, with a fast run to my next door neighbor’s house to borrow a vile of consecrated oil, a change of clothes and hair gel I am sitting here ready to use the priesthood.

The power and authority of the Savior is the biggest reason to stay priesthood ready – to be worthy to use the power of God at the drop of a proverbial hat.  For me, it tops what I call the obedience factor (staying morally clean because the Lord himself or through his prophets says to). 

More specifically, as a worthy gay man I can access the same priesthood that the straight worthy men access.  As God created me, even with the SGAttraction that I have alternately despised and cherished, I am enough.

Father shares that power with us.  He shares it with me.

The best reason to keep my SGAttraction in check.








 

My Three Words

I am fascinated, repulsed and intrigued by stereotypes. Part of what repulses me is that I see a use for them. I suppose I find that intriguing because I don’t consider myself to be completely un-learned, and I am fascinated by the fact that I have still perpetuated their use.

I used to employ the excuse that stereotypes were a type of contraction that permitted us to quickly get to the point; an abbreviation that allowed us to be on the same page which would then allow us to delve into the intellectual heart of a matter. I considered them to be an easy way to get ideas across - used to simplify communication and support the occasion quick comebacks/ lame retort.

Stereotypes may very well be a short cut.  However, I think we should be taking the long way.  Discovering what a person is without simplifying or eliminating personality should be what the heart of the matter is regardless of the subject at hand.

I myself have been easily typecast, and honestly, I fit into many of the pigeon holes I have been crammed into. Some of them fit me comfortably I am slightly chagrined to say. Pushy football dad, stage mom, conservative (for the liberals), liberal (for the conservatives). I am a self centered blogger, coupon clipper, price haggler, artistic genius with no spelling skills.  I am a mood swinger the like of which as been little seen,  and a westerner/capitalist (if being poor is capitalistic). I am the guy who can fix everything except plumbing and automotive.  I am middle aged and good with hair dye and a paint brush.

I discovered another type I appear to fit into this last week. It came from a former co-worker I saw at a church I was visiting. He mentioned that he didn’t think I was the churchy type. Of course I asked him what the churchy type was. He back peddled and made a joke and changed the subject. Smart move.

So does he consider the churchy type as one holier-than-though? Or is the churchy type for him a zealot. Bigoted? Conforming? For me, the quickest image I get for the churchy type is someone who goes to church for any other reason but for self betterment; for social statues, or for reputation. Expectation. Obligation. Someone who has the need to demonstrate to others his level of “spirituality”.

While that may be somewhat true for me, I am also a repentant soul in need of guidance and affirmation from the spirit that I find at church. Take that you stereotype's.

Here is something I did in the front of a recent class I lead that, I’m afraid, polished the crown we have placed on stereotypes.  I asked everyone in the class to come up with three words that best described themselves.  It was a simple ice breaker I have seen done in many classrooms situations. But the last time I used it I was halfway through the exercise when I was floored by what I was doing. I was asking them to come up with the stereotypes that we would then use as tools to categorize them, to place into little neat squares.  The exorcise in and of itself is not necessarily horrifying if we are planning to get to know someone for who they are and delve a bit. The problem is that most of us are content to make take note of the three words and then slide along, pretending like we are personally involved.

Do you know Calvin?
Yeah, he sings, paints and likes Swiss cheese.

It’s true that I sing and like Swiss cheese. I’d like to think that there is more to me than that. And while I am complaining that people don’t really know me and that they peg me into little holes that are limiting, I spend no time whatsoever getting to know anyone else past their three words. Stereotypes are handy for quickly categorizing. For those who need to effectively place people in a cubical and move on to something better, stereotypes work wonders. Efficient. Final. And now that I’ve put you in your proper place, I can move on to what is important to me.

But what if you are the one important to me? If I am going to initiate anything more that the equivalent of an emotional drive by, then I am going to have to let you out of the box I placed you in. Once I do that, however, you will never fit in that box again.

That makes life a bit messier for me. I will have to make more space for people, or be comfortable with the overlap.

The use of the stereotypes was once briefly useful. However, they no longer contain us or those we love like a garage built in the 1950’s just can’t handle today’s minivans or SUV’s. So,we re-think and remodel and bust out a wall for new ideas. Maybe the only real use for the old stereotypes is as a tool to understand our own propensity to judge foolishly. Like a sledge hammer or a crow bar,  it is effective at busting down a wall that confines us.

And when we have busted down a wall we smile at the thought of the quaint and ineffective stereotype.

Cal Thompson and the Pseudonym - The Sequel

The responses to my essay on being SGA Mormon (homo to you, thank you) and incognito were heartfelt, wonderful and frightening, and I thank you for stepping out of your respective comfort zones - even if you didn't step far from the closet.

Many of reasons to stay "in" were based in fear.  Not unexpected.  A memorable comment was " I am afraid that there is more to fear than fear itself" a timely twist on Churchill. 


Many of us do not know exactly what we are afraid of, but generally it seems to be in not being accepted. We are living in fear that stemmed back to our grandfathers but for rare exceptions. We do not live in an age where we have not choice but to fear.  We live in a time when modern Davids in pasty skin brandishing rocks can stand up to  Goliath.  We live in a time when the corporate whistle gets blown when abuse hits the fan, when the little guy can get the house, the car, and the lovely companion.
 
As a SGAttracted man, I just may be the trophy husband my wife always wanted.

Am I afraid of my neighbors finding out my big gay secret?  Is that why I am in the closet?  No.  I generally have an arrogance problem and I tend to think I am better than everyone anyway which would work in my favor here in my "hood."  Would I have a problem coming out at work?  Again, no.  Frankly,  it may work to my advantage as everyone is trying to be so politically correct that they would error in my favor - no one wants to be liable for a law suit.  Family not accepting of my preference?  I do have a huge family, and those who know, know and those who don't know know, and those who really don't know really don't really care.  I am bold enough that I can hold my own. 

I understand the church policy, so I am not in fear of what any repercussions would be social/political/religious.  I have run upon a rogue bishop or two who doesn't understand, or who was not secure enough to step outside of himself- but I am wise enough to understand the difference between bishop-the He man and Bishop-the He calling. 

Is it a surprise when the voice of the BYU cougars comes out as a fan?  No surprise there. We understand that - even at his best he may be slightly biased.  Would I loose some political clout if I, a somewhat pro-gay Mormon were to come out as a actual gay Mormon?  Maybe, but I would live with it and make it work.

So why the heck am I in the closet? (if blogging and writing a Mormon/Gay book is considered closeted)

My wife.

She says it may be alright if I were to come out as SGAttracted.  She doesn't say it very convincingly, and I don't believe her when she says it.  Something tells me to keep my preference somewhat under wraps as far as my personal life goes.  Would there be added pressure for her and for my kids?  Without a doubt.  Could I handle the added pressure?  Yes.  But when I married I promised to look after her.  Marriage is also about committed mutual well being and I am committed to hers.

Maybe someday the spirit will say that it is right to be personally vocal about my SGAttraction while I am inhabiting a body.  I need to be at peace with the fact that it may always be something I guard. 

Whether I am "in" or "out", whether my neighbor is in or out, homosexuals deserve and demand the same respect as any other Mormon, as any other human.  There is no need to create a special post for them in the church.  The same posts and offices held by any other worthy member will do just fine.  My ability to assist, offer opinions, or teach a class is not affected by my sexual preference.


And on a personal note, the only thing different about my marriage may or may not be as different as you would think.  And on an even more personal note, I think she likes being
married to me.

Regardless, I am proud to be what I am, and to know that I am learning and growing and that I may yet become what father wants me to be.  I am becoming, hopefully, the man my wife would want to lead our family.  Oddly enough, it seems that we all want the same thing.