Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Blue-Hoo-Hoo Part Two

I was sent a questionnaire to fill out. I think the questions were honest and useful, and frankly a bit uncomfortable for me so I took as a challenge. I see some wisdom in answering them. I am posting his questions, and then my answers.

1. Are you really happy now? Yes. I am happiest when I am being creative, and I am working on just that in my private life.
2. How do you react (in your brain) when you see good looking guys? I have reacted many ways in the past. I went from staring until my eyes fell out to trying to run them over with my truck. Now I try to acknowledge them for what and who they are and move on to the next moment in life.
3. Are you attracted to both men and women? You mean sexually? No.
When was your first experience with an other guy? How did it happen? I don't want to be graphic. I don't think anyone is served by that. It happened when I was old enough to take responsibility - after my mission during a summer internship -where I was greatly exposed & did some exposing myself. When I came back to Provo and BYU I looked around and I found a large subculture not just at BYU but Utah and SL Valleys. It was mostly anonymous sex in a neutral location. Romantic, huh?
When did you realized that you have SSA?
When I first became aware of the differences between men and women - very early.
6. Did you go on a mission? Yes I did – proud of it! A real highlight of my life. I made the only healthy relationship with a guy to that point and worked hard. Somehow, I found a way to not masturbate while a missionary, not once!
7. Have you (Been) excommunicated and come back? How old are you?
40. I was dis-fellowshiped for some time – I rather gave up on the church after a problem with what I felt was a misrepresentation from a bishop. I became very promiscuous during this time.
9. Do you think that all experiences (including having sex with other guys) that you had were necessary to get married and give up gay desire? Of the two sons, who had more fun? -The partier/prodigal, or the dutiful/faithful. I wish I was the latter. But I am not. I admire the dutiful/faithful with all my heart. I saw the gay lifestyle (Not a popular word) from the inside-out for several years. I came to the conclusion that the gay lifestyle was not getting me what I most wanted. The sex was good in a base and anonymous way. I had problems trying to have a committed relationship, saw a culture based on the flighty and frivolous. I did get to know a wonderful man. He is now dead from AIDS. I'm lucky to be alive and well.
10. Do you think about guys when you masturbate? Tough one. I think, on the whole, guys should not focus on masturbation. It happens. But then I think we should move on to something a little more social.
11. Do you fantasize about guys?
Used to. Most of my fantasizing was about having a total relationship with a guy, finding a friend and feeling like I was part of the greater. Though, truth be told, there has been raunch involved.
Do you think that you are forgiven? For being Homo? No need for forgiveness. God made me with strengths and weaknesses - he knows who I am. For being a gay-sex pig? Yes.
13. Do you mind talking to me in person? I have to be careful. I have a wife and kids and their health & welfare & safety have to come first. Also, my experience has been that a lot of these conversations get out of hand quickly - even those most well-intended. Maybe we can just keep it written and see.
14. Did getting married help you to reduce temptations? No. If anything it made things worse. Marriage created the perfect “cover” so to speak. Had I so choose, I could have pretended to have what I wanted (marriage, priesthood, church membership, community involvement) and then go find what else I wanted when no one was looking. Scary. There are a lot of gay Mormon men who choose this horrific path. I have not had sex with a man since I have been married – though it was close a time or two until I made the personal commitment with the Lord to follow him.
15. Have you had any problems with pornography before?(I have) Lots of porno problems. The Internet is the devil. I have to make sure the PC is in a commons area and I don't serf without a reason. I keep my safety levels on high and give all my passwords to others so anyone can get in at any time, which I consider a safety check.




  2. Joseph Smith in a speedo? I think I shall be cogitating on that cognitive dissonance all the long day. I've always thought of him as more of a trunks kind of guy. There must be a survey in of itself right there. If alive, what would Brother Brigham wear?

  3. This post made me surprised. : ) You are a very brave guy.

    Didn't you have to leave BYU? Do you think that some church leaders have bias against gay guys? What do you think we should do when we have one of those leaders?( I know that there ARE some good church leaders who don't have bias against gay guys.)

  4. I am so glad you made the distinction between normal gay and promiscuous gay – not that I think the world revolves around your definitions, but...

    This was difficult to read. I'm sure it was difficult to live. Your candor may help others in the same type of position to see options.

  5. When does one cross over from being a "normal gay" to a "promiscuous gay?" Is there like a set number of sexual experiences that gets one branded non-normal?

  6. Thank you for posting this Cal. It wasn't difficult to read at all.

    For me it shows the tragedy of growing up in a non-supportive culture. Instead of having experiences that any straight teenager would have growing up--simple dating for example--gay teens and young adults in Utah and other conservative cultures have to unfortunately to often resort to what most would consider unhealthy behaviors for sexual expression. (bathroom sex, etc.)

    One last thing for now. I so wish we could get over this idea that masturbation is this dirty thing that isn't part of normal healthy sexual behavior.

  7. What if you had been a straight-sex pig? Would you have been thrown out of BYU had it been a girl instead of a guy? Does/did BYU put the same focus on straight sex and they do/did gay sex? Is "gay" the problem, is "sex" the problem is "BYU" the problem? I know this is off topic, but I was wondering.

  8. Guess we know what Sean's doing tonight. Just open and close with prayer.

  9. BYU will kick out straights for messing around, and the messing around happens there a lot more than people may realize. (e.g. Women spent the night in my neighbor's Helaman Halls dorm room more than a few times.) However straights are definitely treated better. You won't get disciplined for straight hand-holding or kissing--even off campus--as gay students are.

    Re: Matt's comments. Four words: U.S. Men's Bobsledding Team.

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