Gay Mormon Man / PriesthoodMen: Blue-Hoo-Hoo Part Two

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Blue-Hoo-Hoo Part Two

I was sent a questionnaire to fill out. I think the questions were honest and useful, and frankly a bit uncomfortable for me so I took as a challenge. I see some wisdom in answering them. I am posting his questions, and then my answers.

1. Are you really happy now? Yes. I am happiest when I am being creative, and I am working on just that in my private life.
2. How do you react (in your brain) when you see good looking guys? I have reacted many ways in the past. I went from staring until my eyes fell out to trying to run them over with my truck. Now I try to acknowledge them for what and who they are and move on to the next moment in life.
3. Are you attracted to both men and women? You mean sexually? No.
4. When was your first experience with an other guy? How did it happen? I don't want to be graphic. I don't think anyone is served by that. It happened when I was old enough to take responsibility - after my mission during a summer internship -where I was greatly exposed & did some exposing myself. When I came back to Provo and BYU I looked around and I found a large subculture not just at BYU but Utah and SL Valleys. It was mostly anonymous sex in a neutral location. Romantic, huh?
5. When did you realized that you have SSA? When I first became aware of the differences between men and women - very early.
6. Did you go on a mission? Yes I did – proud of it! A real highlight of my life. I made the only healthy relationship with a guy to that point and worked hard. Somehow, I found a way to not masturbate while a missionary, not once!
7. Have you (Been) excommunicated and come back? How old are you? 40. I was dis-fellowshiped for some time – I rather gave up on the church after a problem with what I felt was a misrepresentation from a bishop. I became very promiscuous during this time.
9. Do you think that all experiences (including having sex with other guys) that you had were necessary to get married and give up gay desire? Of the two sons, who had more fun? -The partier/prodigal, or the dutiful/faithful. I wish I was the latter. But I am not. I admire the dutiful/faithful with all my heart. I saw the gay lifestyle (Not a popular word) from the inside-out for several years. I came to the conclusion that the gay lifestyle was not getting me what I most wanted. The sex was good in a base and anonymous way. I had problems trying to have a committed relationship, saw a culture based on the flighty and frivolous. I did get to know a wonderful man. He is now dead from AIDS. I'm lucky to be alive and well.
10. Do you think about guys when you masturbate? Tough one. I think, on the whole, guys should not focus on masturbation. It happens. But then I think we should move on to something a little more social.
11. Do you fantasize about guys? Used to. Most of my fantasizing was about having a total relationship with a guy, finding a friend and feeling like I was part of the greater. Though, truth be told, there has been raunch involved.
12. Do you think that you are forgiven? For being Homo? No need for forgiveness. God made me with strengths and weaknesses - he knows who I am. For being a gay-sex pig? Yes.
13. Do you mind talking to me in person? I have to be careful. I have a wife and kids and their health & welfare & safety have to come first. Also, my experience has been that a lot of these conversations get out of hand quickly - even those most well-intended. Maybe we can just keep it written and see.
14. Did getting married help you to reduce temptations? No. If anything it made things worse. Marriage created the perfect “cover” so to speak. Had I so choose, I could have pretended to have what I wanted (marriage, priesthood, church membership, community involvement) and then go find what else I wanted when no one was looking. Scary. There are a lot of gay Mormon men who choose this horrific path. I have not had sex with a man since I have been married – though it was close a time or two until I made the personal commitment with the Lord to follow him.
15. Have you had any problems with pornography before?(I have) Lots of porno problems. The Internet is the devil. I have to make sure the PC is in a commons area and I don't serf without a reason. I keep my safety levels on high and give all my passwords to others so anyone can get in at any time, which I consider a safety check.

THOSE WERE THERE QUESTIONS & ANSWERS . IF YOU HAVE OTHERS, NOW IS THE TIME.

11 comments:

jimmerfredFebruary 25, 2010 at 1:01 AM
bOLD AND HONEST LIKE ALL THE STUFF IN HERE BUT THE JOSEPH sMITH IN A SPEEDDO. hoW MANY OF US WOULD HAVE PRINTED THE SAME FOR OUR LIVES. Not ndsme when I have frends and family reading too.
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Quiet SongFebruary 25, 2010 at 6:06 AM
Joseph Smith in a speedo? I think I shall be cogitating on that cognitive dissonance all the long day. I've always thought of him as more of a trunks kind of guy. There must be a survey in of itself right there. If alive, what would Brother Brigham wear?
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ToshiFebruary 25, 2010 at 10:16 PM
This post made me surprised. : ) You are a very brave guy.

Didn't you have to leave BYU? Do you think that some church leaders have bias against gay guys? What do you think we should do when we have one of those leaders?( I know that there ARE some good church leaders who don't have bias against gay guys.)
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dougsFebruary 25, 2010 at 11:41 PM
I am so glad you made the distinction between normal gay and promiscuous gay – not that I think the world revolves around your definitions, but...

This was difficult to read. I'm sure it was difficult to live. Your candor may help others in the same type of position to see options.
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SeanFebruary 26, 2010 at 3:22 PM
When does one cross over from being a "normal gay" to a "promiscuous gay?" Is there like a set number of sexual experiences that gets one branded non-normal?
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SeanFebruary 26, 2010 at 3:41 PM
Thank you for posting this Cal. It wasn't difficult to read at all.

For me it shows the tragedy of growing up in a non-supportive culture. Instead of having experiences that any straight teenager would have growing up--simple dating for example--gay teens and young adults in Utah and other conservative cultures have to unfortunately to often resort to what most would consider unhealthy behaviors for sexual expression. (bathroom sex, etc.)

One last thing for now. I so wish we could get over this idea that masturbation is this dirty thing that isn't part of normal healthy sexual behavior.
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jeff mFebruary 26, 2010 at 5:53 PM
What if you had been a straight-sex pig? Would you have been thrown out of BYU had it been a girl instead of a guy? Does/did BYU put the same focus on straight sex and they do/did gay sex? Is "gay" the problem, is "sex" the problem is "BYU" the problem? I know this is off topic, but I was wondering.
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mattmanFebruary 26, 2010 at 5:57 PM
Guess we know what Sean's doing tonight. Just open and close with prayer.
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SeanMarch 2, 2010 at 4:06 PM
BYU will kick out straights for messing around, and the messing around happens there a lot more than people may realize. (e.g. Women spent the night in my neighbor's Helaman Halls dorm room more than a few times.) However straights are definitely treated better. You won't get disciplined for straight hand-holding or kissing--even off campus--as gay students are.

Re: Matt's comments. Four words: U.S. Men's Bobsledding Team.
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mattmanMarch 2, 2010 at 7:04 PM
Funny. Agreed.
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markMarch 28, 2010 at 4:56 PM
I like your blogs. I am new to this site. I hope you also take a look at my blog if you have the time. feel free to leave a comment.
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I order to better understand one another, I think it would be wise to understand the terms used in these essays. What I propose is an Examination for Discovery, which is briefly a meeting of the opposing sides in a lawsuit where the plaintiff and defendant, with their attorneys, meet to examine each others claims and see whether they can find some area of agreement and thus save the time of the court later on. This is assuming that there is common ground, and I believe that even the most cynical of us would agree that there is.

It will be hard to understand one another if you think blue is periwinkle and I think blue is turquoise. I know that the differences may not be a big deal - between periwinkle and turquoise - but I think its best to be incredibly clear. We both may disagree on what blue is, but, for purposes of communication, we will use the terms as listed here - adding when needed.

Of coarse they may be subject to change and/or refinement with experience and further knowledge – and with feedback. Being that this is a blog and not a diatribe, I get to lead I suppose.

List of Common Terms On Which We May Agree
or Agree To Agree On For Sake of Discussion*

For sensitivity reasons we wanted to run this list past my Gramma Ruby, which would have been really helpful not to mention miraculous because she died at an Elizabeth Dole Rally in Boise)

Active: 1) A lifestyle characterized by frequent or various social, intellectual, and particularly physical activities; 2) In geology, a volcano which erupts regularly; 3) A member of the LDS Church who is often seen carrying brownies, scriptures or children back and forth to Church.

Affirmation: 1) A positive assertion. 2) An organization for LDS homosexuals and the people that love them, but not affiliated or supported by the LDS Church.

Sentence: Falling off of the stage was the affirmation she needed to confirm the universality of gravity.

Acronyms: SGA, SGB, SGI SGA: Same Gender (sexual) Attraction SGB: Same Gender (sexual) Behavior SGI: Same Gender (gay) Identity

OGA, OGB, OGI OGA: Opposite Gender (sexual) attraction OGB: Opposite Gender (sexual) behavior OGI: Opposite Gender (heterosexual) identity.

Sentence: The LDS SGA think OGA from ID, WO and MT dress like the NFL.

Beehive: 1) Home to bees, 2) A height-positive sixties hair style which many Mormon women continued to wear through the seventies and into late nineties and early 00’s with a slight revamp; 3) Young woman’s organization of girls who can’t drive yet.

Bisexual: 1) A sexual behavior or an orientation involving physical, mental or romantic attraction to both males and females.

Choice: 1) A decision between two or more option, and often referred to as free agency, personal rights and freedom.

Sentence: The choice for Juan Carlo was to either be eaten alive by the anaconda or jump from the boat into the mouth of the hungry crocodile.

Church: 1) An identifiable religious body under a common name; 2) a physical structure often equipped with a satellite dish, food warming area and an indoor basketball court.

Sentence: The ambulance and two squad cars were sent to the ball game at the Church between the elders and the priests due to last year’s “incident.”

Closet: 1) Upright storage space for clothing; 2) Slang reference to the status of an individual wishing to remain private about his/her sex life and who hasn’t acknowledged their SGA feelings yet to friends and family members.

Sentence: He had been in the closet so long he smelled like cedar and old shoes.

Coming Out: 1) The act of leaving a building or structure. 2) The process of telling people about one’s homosexuality is often referred to as coming out.

Sentence: “It’s just not coming out”, muttered Sister Macbeth as she compulsively applied spot remover.

Conversion therapy, or reparative therapy or reorientation therapy: 1) A type of sexual orientation change effort that attempts to change the sexual orientation of a person from homosexual or bisexual to heterosexual. In the past techniques have included psychoanalytic group therapy involving aversive conditioning, electric shock or nausea-inducing drugs, and may have included sex therapy. Today there seems to be a more subtle and genteel approach which is being met with more success,

Down Low or DL : 1)This term means different things to different people, however generally it connotes dishonesty and hiding. 2) A term for men who discreetly have sex with other men while in marital relationships with women. Often these men do not consider themselves homosexual or bisexual, and their female partners are generally not aware of these infidelities.

Ex-Gay: Term for those who have experienced SGAttraction and who, for religious or other reasons, have chosen not to embrace a gay identity, or to engage in SGA behavior.

Family Group Sheets: 1) Forms used in annotating genealogy; 2) Money saving tactics for Mormon families at bedtime.

Sentence: Laverne and Lavelle grab your sister and a family group sheet and get you off to bed.

Families are Forever: 1) LDS catch phrase originating in the early eighties - referring to the belief that temple sealed families created on earth can move into the next life together. 2) The prevalent attitude after two weeks of dealing with the new in-laws.

Sentence: Did you hear our new sister-in-law-sing the Duran-Duran Medley? Are families really forever?

Folk Doctrine: 1) Doctrines that develop from prevailing rumor.

Sentence: Three stakes in Pocatello have been asked to spear-head a pilot program for the Churches new Work and Glory aerobics program.

Gay: 1) A happy and joyful method of celebrating holidays often sung about in English Carols and Fred Astaire films. 2) A common term for an individual attracted to their same gender. Gay has been a widely used synonym of "male homosexual." Its meaning is rapidly evolving to refer to both male and female homosexuals. Some people differentiate between homosexual and gay: homosexual is regarded as a sexual orientation; gay is a political identity -- i.e. an advocate for equal rights for persons of all sexual orientations

Sentence: Sister Fellows always regretted naming her eldest son after her favorite uncle, Gaylord.

Gender: 1) The set of characteristics that distinguish between female and male members of a species. It is often used interchangeably with the word "sex" denoting the condition of being male or female.

Sentence: “But, Julie,” Cal whined, “I simply don’t have an inoffensive sentence for the word gender.”

Genealogy: 1) An activity Mormons do happily while praying to hook up with a distant relative who has done all the work.

Sentence: Brother The-Hun was a bit disturbed when his grandma showed him his genealogy line went directly to some guy named Attila.

Heterosexual: 1) People whose emotional, sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for those of the opposite sex or having to do with opposite sex attraction.

Homophobia: 1) An irrational fear, prejudice or discrimination towards homosexuals. Homophobia can take many forms, from name-calling and teasing to serious crimes like assault and murder. Homophobia like other irrational fears is most often based on ignorance.

Homosexual: 1) People whose emotional, sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for those of the same sex or having to do with same sex attraction.

In: See out.

Last days: 1) A horrific time of floods, famines, political strife and food storage eating – much like yesterday.

Sentence: The last days of a back to school sale appear to be frequented by women on a weekend pass from the state hospital.

Lesbian: Term to describe sexual and romantic desire between females.

Lifestyle: The term lifestyle (as in gay lifestyle) has become a polarizing term though used by gay and lesbian people in the past. “Those in the lifestyle” usually means “those who identify as gay", though it may refer to behavior as well as identity - much as LDS lifestyle would mean those living the teachings or of the culture, or East Coast Lifestyle may refer to black turtle necks, bookstores and apartment living.

Many are called, but few are chosen: 1) What I keep telling myself when I am asked to be on the ward activities committee again.

Mixed Marriage: For our purposes here, a union between one of “heterosexual” orientation with one dealing with SGA.

Out: See in.

Prophet: 1) A man called of God who holds the keys to direct the Church and to speak for Jesus Christ. The President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a chosen prophet, seer and revelator.

SSA: 1) Acronym for Same Sex Attraction. The LDS Church prefers SGA, (which I always thought stood for Star Gate Atlantis reruns) but actually means Same Gender Attraction. SSA and SGA are terms not highly favored among the gay community. Neither, for that matter, is the phrase “gay community”.

Sentence: ST-TNG and SGA are playing all week on SI-FI.

Sin: To behave in a manner that is contrary to the revealed commandments of God.

Transgendered: A designation of person whose identity does not conform to conventional notions of male or female gender roles.

Quotes, Quotation Marks: Tool used to set apart a word or phrase. For our purposes here, generally speaking, using quotation marks to denote words such as “gay” or “homosexual” is offensive. If you are not comfortable with using a term from the “so-called other side”, then it is recommended that a substitute which doesn't involve quote marks is found.

Sentence: I am offended that “he” just used quotations on the phrase other side.

Straight: 1) A direction which veers neither to the left or the right. 2) A slang term used in the place of heterosexual.

Sentence: The geography club, Straights of Magellan is not accepting new members.

Strait is the gate and narrow is the way: 1) Popular scripture quote used to encourage righteous living and weight loss.

Tithing: 1) One tenth of one’s income donated voluntarily to the LDS Church for upkeep and needed things.

Sentence: Ten percent of nothing is still nothing.

Urim and Thummim: 1) Tool used by Joseph Smith to translate the Book of Mormon. 2) What I wish I had to understand my kids text messages.

Wickedness Never Was Happiness: 1) What Cal’s first missionary companion in the MTC from Macon Georga wrote on his left bicep with a sharpie when visas to Central America didn’t come through on time. 2) Comment made by those on their way to Church when a boat or motor-home pulls up in the next lane of traffic.

This is a blog for Mormon SSA* men who wish to follow the teachings of the LDS church while owning their Homosexuality. It can be done! This blog-spot is written by a sort-of smart gay man who is a card-carrying member of the LDS church and hopes to remain so. He will remain so by following the teachings of the prophets. His motto for today is "Many a true word spoken in jest," and he will try to not be so charming.

Mr. Thompson thinks he knows just about everything. Lately, it has been proposed that he may, in actuality, not. He is trying to be open to that thought.