Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Flogging The Blogging

I originally started this blog for two reasons if I want to be honest. Maybe three if I want to be a whole lot more honester. (Just made that up)

The first was to see if there was anybody else out there in blog-land, and I mean SSA, Mormon, SSA and Mormon, Mormons Wanting To Stay Mormons in Good Standing, Mormons Standing, Mormons Sitting, Gay Men Both Sitting And Standing.

I found a few. Hello! How are you? How's the rash?

The second reason was to be a positive influence in causing good both, A: supporting those who had made a similar decision as I did/have, and B: those interested in making that choice or learning about that line of thought/action.

I must admit, one of the greatest pleasures that this blog affords me is receiving responses from others. I love the feedback from everyone, and I find a satisfaction hearing back from men who are guilty-by-association of the same affliction I have - if I may call it an affliction. How about "Challenge"? How 'bout "Blessing"? I feel validated like I don't feel elsewhere except sometimes in prayer I suppose, even when someone adamantly disagrees with a stance I've taken.

The third; possibly to vent. Living in/with the style I have chosen to live in/with is sometimes a challenge. I think any lifestyle that fits somehow around homosexuality (and maybe sexuality in general) is hugely challenging. I like to write. And a chronicling blog that helps organizes my thoughts, airs questions, and provokes pro-active thought seemed like a good thing.

So, if I am chronicling and being positive and venting & pro-active and all that good stuff, there is no need for a forth reason.

However I think there is a forth reason. I think there an element of pleasure that I get from writing about the forbidden. If I am looking honestly at my blogging or reading others who are blogging about homosexuality - and I will be blunt, I think there is a degree of “getting off”.

To a degree. I see this in the writing of others also. That is when I noticed it. (I tend to notice things in others before I can see it in myself - like arrogance and body-odour) There is an air of titillation (my spell check won't touch that one and I can't say as I blame it) in most of the blogs I read, and there are a lot of blogs that I am starting to exclude from my reading list. Some are thought provoking. Some are written with less intelligence that comes to the table with a plate of spam. Some have great heart, some intellectualize everything. Some are pornographic – writing about exploits and masturbatory fantasies, using Mormon Homo-nurotica in a format that would be pegged soft porn elsewhere. (I think I just invented a cool new catch phrase) I think I have been guilty of all of the above.

In which case, I don't want to be there. Here. I don't want to add to the problem - the question begging, "what does he consider the problem to be?"

Being Gay? No. As I gain maturity I appreciate this gift more and more.

The problem is Mormon men caught in the middle.

If I have learned anything from films with cool effects and no plot, it is that time is short. It is the hour for making a choice. The middle can be no longer place for Mormon men to stand.

Maybe there is a fifth reason. I can say here what I cant say to anyone I know. Not that I am keeping secrets: I am leaning less and less towards that as I age. (Not a good gay word) But there are political, spiritual emotional aspects of being gay that don't seem to belong in a conversation with my home teacher, or elders quorum president, or bishop. Or sister or mother or best friend for that matter. I don't know how much my wife can hold, and so I am careful, thoughtful as to what I lay on her and how often.

So. There is is. Those are the reasons I blog. Some obvious and some less so. Some embarrassing, and some not.

Why do you read?


  1. I read because I like to watch :-) Clarification; I couldn't do what you're doing, so I'm curious to see how you do it. What's a day in the life like, what do you and your wife talk about, how much can she handle, what has she handled well, and yes how does the sex work? (not the graphic accounting, but the basic negotiations and comprimises) These kinds of things.

    If I blogged I think I would be much more selfish than you are. I wouldn't care at all about "pleasing or offending" But I also wouldn't claim that my blog was for others as well as myself. I guess honestly, I'd love to read your journal and not your blog, because my real interest is your pure, raw, ungaurded account of what you're dealing with. Not so much the funny, David Sedaris approach but the real stuff. Like I said, I'm more selfish than you are.

  2. Cal:

    One of the reasons that I recently started a blog was to hopefully meet other active LDS men that are committed to the gospel that deal with the gift of SSA. However I wonder if it is spiritually, mentally, and emotionally healthy to hash and rehash SSA discussions about our feelings? Do you ever wonder? I seem to be the happiest in terms spirituality and peace when I'm serving others rather than thinking and blogging about me. I think it is easy to caught-up or somewhat "getting off" on the attention and we bring to ourselves. Just a thought, would love to hear what you think?


  3. I read because I want to see if anyone talks about me. Wish granted!
    And the rash is scabbing over quite nicely, since you asked. . .

  4. I read because it makes me happy and I don't feel so alone.
    And I never had a rash.

  5. You are setting this up to be the difinative blogspot on the issue, which I'm ok with. You seen smart, carring, not as faggy as I would want but suffucent. Keep writing about stuff - not the porn or fluff and you will have readerd to read and learn and speak out. Like me.

  6. I read because it feels so good to not be alone in this. Thank you.

  7. I read for a variety of reasons:
    1. It is nothing short of a miracle I didn't end up the wife of a gay man trying to "do the right thing" and I want to understand what ring people to this place.
    2. I am interested in the discussion, the tension and supporting friends who have made the choices they've made.
    3. to understand the human struggle however it expresses itself

  8. I think there may be a hint of voyeurism and a bit of self gratification. I found the guy in your socks essay to be very cute and I dreamed about him for a second before I read the blog. Is that what you mean? I read the essay on the “Y”and I had a similar experience. I justified that if other Mormon guys were doing it then it was OK for me. I do think there is a fine line between talking about it and getting off on it. Thanks for the honesty.

  9. Im in the boat, and I need help. This helps me more than you know.

  10. Your voice adds balance to the discussion and reflects a segment of the LGBT community that has been under represented in the past online. And, you are quite the charming curmudgeon.

  11. I do think there is a real part of us MoHos whos get something sexual out of talking about it - to a degree. scary to think about, but if we are aware, then we are better off.

  12. I read them to learn, to know I'm not alone, to maybe add a voice here and there to help if I can.