Monday, February 15, 2010

Homosexual -vs- Gay Lifestyle?

I am being bombarded by folks asking what it means to "live a gay lifestyle?". Apparently I have set myself up as the Anne Launders of MoHos, the heavyweight-sumo-ski-bum of Mormon-SSA-dom, the Dr. Ruth for the...really gay people.

I kinda like being bombarded. But it is times like these that I wish I had listened in class - any class. There are many choices out there, and there are a whole lota possible working definitions. I think that I am being asked this question because I have, for my life, differentiated between "gay" and "gay lifestyle"

My personal homo-antidote is not going to change or shift it's focus because it differs from that of the general populace, be it known. Though I may understand choices made by other gays, I obviously do not agree with a whole lot of them as I may or may not agree with "straight" choices made by those darn straighties. Nor, by the way, is it my place to agree. And though I would not necessarily present these choices as alternatives on my blog or in my Quorum, I would fight for the right we have to choose them.

Living my Homo life will be different than yours. So?

What are "the life choices" for which we fight?

Regardless of my feelings, you lead your life and I lead mine. I would not choose to call your life style choices into personal judgement - though, collectively I do judge and than make decisions for my life as we all do.

How do I know what is right for me and mine?

I'll tell you how I know. Here goes.

Yeah,...I don't know. Sometimes I make my best guess and go with a gut feeling. Though I am a hardy proponent of Personal Revelation, I am hardly expert at it. I cant go running to you to see what answer you got. There is no cheating on the test. It is given to a single person for the benefit of that person. There is a line of authority.

And I am hopeful. The few times it has happened in my life have been quiet and subtle. I could easily have missed the message. Had I missed the message, would the Lord have sent me another one? I hope so. He may have sent a few to me that weren't read until he got a bit more bold, or I got more sensitive to things of the spirit. That I was lead to marry does not mean that you will be so lead, or that you should be so lead. If I believe in personal revelation for me, then I believe in it for you, and I must accept that the lord may tell you something different for your life.

Believing that the information or council He gives to me is universal would be arrogant.

I don't know the leaning of the church at large. I would be bowled over if LDS land came out to permit homo marriage. As a whole, the Churches place in the world is to protect families and children, and families and children do not appear to be at the for thought of gays an lesbians. - an observation. Gay marriage has a politically self serving reputation at this point in many large circles. I don't know if it is possible to change that perception or reality, or if the whole of the gay community even wants to change it. There are many loud, parade going folk that wish to use coming-out as an excuse for behavior that can be shown on TV news only with editing.
These people over-run the family-going, marriage-wanting homos greatly in the public perception meter. Again, this is from my perception. If I was a professional image consultant, I would tell the parade-goers to put something on.

Begs the question, do we think all straight people are best represented by the bed hopping on prime time. No we don't. I hope not. But straight people ore not the ones trying to change things up. Gay people are. So put on pants - whether they zip at the front or at the side - and go to a meeting. "Out and Proud" does not have to mean "naked and hanging." "What have you done with the kids while you're parading?" is what family promoters and defenders want to know. I want to know.

As I write, I see the steam rising, and some of it is mine. "Who does he think he is..." I am not now, nor will I ever be in a situation to morally judge others. - excepting the every day decisions that come with every day life.
(Do I let my kids hang with the dealers across the street, do I ask the man with bulging pockets and price tags still on his jeans to come back into the store for a look-see, do I wear my "PETA" button to a bar on deer-hunt weekend, has Sean Hanty calmed down enough today so that I won't throw something at another radio.)

There are some judgments we make daily because God has given us both a brain and people to take care of. I tend to stick with my experience or my feelings and private study on any matter. I do believe in personal revelation as you have read.

Two reminders at this point - revelation can originate from two differing sources so make sure you understand the differences, and two, personal revelation does not supersede that of the living prophet. I believe in clearing out the pipeline to allow Heavenly Father, through his spirit, to communicate with me. I think everyone can and should do what it takes to be in a position to hear the lord. What that may mean for you may not be the same for me.

I am a gay man. I have never been anything but. I had a lot of gay sex. I liked it. I even had a relationship or two...well one and a half... that I considered to be lasting and healthy and based on more than just sex. Because of that I realized for me that there was something else for me. Based on my experiences and on personal revelation, I made a decision. I wanted a family and a Household, and a relationship with someone who needed and loved me and counted on me. I found the way for me that most successfully facilitated this. I got confirmation from the Lord that what I was doing was right for me.

From the Lord through the Spirit to me. Or you. Or anyone who seeks to know the will of God. Line of authority.

And back to the question. What is the difference between a gay lifestyle and gay in general? For you, I don't know. You have to find out for yourself. For Me?

Homosexual is being sexually attracted to ones same sex. Living a gay lifestyle could be defined as acting on that impulse. In my life, I define homosexual to be one of the things I am, living a Gay lifestyle is what I would choose to do.


  1. "There are many loud, parade going folk that wish to use coming-out as an excuse for decadence, or at least to show of some amazing abs. These people over-run the family-going, marriage-wanting homos greatly."

    This is a stereotype, and simply isn't true. Where were the abs when 4,000 couple were married for the first time in San Francisco in 2004? Where were the abs when 18,000 couples were married before proposition 8 took place? For some reason we often treat the way a few individuals behave once a year in a parade as indicative of the way a very large and diverse community lives. It's not fair, and it's certainly not true.

  2. That the gay community is being judged based on a parading few is just the point "el genio" dude. Thompson's asking what it is, not what it isn't.

    I think the same standard should apply for straights and gays. Living in a Monogamous relationship is the goal. There are, pardon the french, sluts in both orientations.

  3. I think marriage is meant to have a civilizing, edifying, stabilizing effect on both spouses regardless of gender. To say that most gay people don't want it because it would interrupt their celebration of promiscuity is a huge and I think unsupportable assumption. Even if it's true, though, IMHO that's all the more reason to support marriage equality. If marriage IS equally available to gay couples as well as straight ones, then there's even less excuse for the near-naked prancers in the Pride Parades, because a higher standard will not be denied to them.

  4. I can't imagine it much different than my life now except I would have a husband instead of a wife. There's all kinds of homos just like there are all kinds of straighties. And by the way, you have put on a little weight since you went skiing last. :)

  5. You just said it is something you choose to "do". You crossed a line. It is okay to have same sex attraction; but to act on it. That's not okay and it's not right that you hold the priesthood. You are unworthy and should not be holding a temple recommend. I am in utter shock that you think this is okay. You need to be on your knees.

  6. Dear Anonymous,
    On the outside chance you will come back here to see reactions to your post I must say something. I'll say it nicely because that's the tone that Cal has asked for -
    How arrogant of you to decide that any man (we can discuss the sexism of this later) is or is not worthy to hold the Priesthood or hold a Temple recommend. That is an issue between a Bishop, the church member and Heavenly Father.

    If you've read this blog at all it is clear you are not paying attention - read a little closer and I think you will find that your assumptions are wrong.

  7. Dear Annon-a-mouse: Are you kidding me? Is this what you've waited for? In creating a definition I made a error in “universal you” usage and you're on me like a zit on a teenager? If you have read this blog, you know where I stand. I only have sex with my wife.

    Clean it up and pay your own bishop a call.

  8. I'm not sure which one is worse, Annon-a-mouse's comment or Cal thinking he had to respond to the trash talk. Cal, we know you well enough that you don have to pander to these people. BTW Gina is a real woman - if, in fact, she is a woman.

  9. You're brave, dude. Don't let the crap bother you. Just keep being true to your heart - and the lord.

  10. Oh Matt- thank you so much- it's been a long tear this week, between grant writing stress and trying to learn bookkeeping skills. Your comment made me laugh. Thanks for the compliment and I am a woman and as I like to say, Straight but not narrow.
    I just have no patience for the likes of the 'mouse

  11. Why is monogamy the goal? And if it is, straight people have done a horrible job making a good example of it. Monogamy works for some people. That's great. I wish them nothing but the best. For a lot of people--more than we care to admit I think--monogamy isn't desirable, realistic, or even healthy.

  12. Sean, you are right and that may be what works for you, Cal is quick to point out these are the choices he's made for his life.

  13. I guess I was responding more to matt.

  14. Nothing like a display of religious Zealotry to give Mormons a bad name. Not all stanch LDS are as quick to judge and this person was. If they have bal...guts at all they will apologize to Mr Thompson and offer to watter his lawn for a year. But don't hold your breath.

  15. Cal, people are waiting for you to fail. Your failing will give the "Itoldyouso-ers" ammo. The Right wants you to show that being gay is sick and wrong, and the Left wants you to prove how futle it is to fight mother nature. There are gay mormons that want you to fall so that they will have an excuse.

    I want you to succeed because I think it would be cool to know that we can over come what we choose to overcome.

  16. I have to disagree with dougs. Whether you succeed or fail has only to do with you. It's not relevant as a signpost for others. You live your life by your lights just as I do. That we follow different paths doesn't mean that either of us is wrong. I trust your integrity and hope that you trust mine.

    I'm on the left (mostly), and in no sense do I want you to do anything other than what brings happiness to you and those you love.

    The problem is not ideology. It's the propensity that we all have to tell others how to live. (It's hard enough to figure this out for ourselves.)

  17. I think I have to agree with dougs with the following stipulation: I think as a general statement, it is correct. I do think many will use Cal as a "signpost" because he is out there - you know what I mean. In addition to those mentioned, I think there are those who are dying for him to succeed. Like me. I want there to be a way that I can get what I want out of life, too.

  18. Volatile as heck. A little controversy is good for business, but who is this anonymous and where does he/she get off making that kind of judgment? “Blackbird Pond” anyone? I apologize for all these type of comments you are going to get, and you are going to get them FYI. Buck up, dude.

  19. I agree with El Gino in that it is a stereo type. From there on, I disagree. The stereo type is one that I think is more true than not – and I am an insider. Though I would like it to be not true, I think there is a huge group of people who think of gays as the flouting folk in feathers. I do not believe these people make up the majority of gays, but not many are doing anything to change perceptions. Education is crucial, and so is PR. Fewer parades would help, too.