Truth Of All Things

To say that I was involved in a discussion the other day about the book of Mormon would not be completely accurate. I sat and listened to this discussion. I did not say much of consequence. I tried to not make any facial expressions that would align me with one side or the other, except to say that I believed in the book as scripture.

For the record, I am very pro-Book of Mormon. I don't believe in it necessarily as a piece of history, archeology or as a travelogue. I don't know if I understand the complications and controversy that surround it as the center piece or keystone of my religion.

Now that the conversation is long over I can think of several things to say that would have made me appear intellectual. I am usually the kind of guy that can whip out the smarmy retort. Smartalic-R-Me. But I didn't this time.

I just felt that I shouldn't say anything. So I followed my instinct and did. Or I didn't.

This has happened to me before.

Years ago my mission district leader, in the first month of my first area, loved to argue the gospel. He was passionate and well versed. Sitting there watching him I could see the cogs turning the moment the Pasteur of the "Others" mentioned a key word. He had his missionary responses down to science and he was clear and concise. At night he would mark and remark and memorize more scripture. He was the man.

And it didn't make much of a difference. We never left any of those discussions with good feelings between us and the target, or invitations to return, addresses of friends or relatives, or anything approaching consensus.

I smiled and looked up scriptures when asked - sometimes without being asked. I could tell from the slant of the discussion what was needed next. I didn't say much. My companions thought I was either daft or non-committal. I was neither. I just didn't feel like I should be arguing. So I didn't.

Proving the Book of Mormon is not my job. If it was, I would be in trouble - and so would the Book of Mormon and all the believers in the Book of Mormon. I don't have the IQ for it. I'm the guy who has to read the article in the Sunstone twice. I am not the guy Oprah would call on to explain it to her.

Is there a place for me in the Mormon Mensa group? Probably not. I am firmly implanted in the Smithsonian and the National Geographic group, which is just above the People, NASCAR Weekly and the National Enquire group.

But there is a place for me. I can be the catalyst for questions, the jumping ground for curiosity, the pointer-outer-of-the-smart people. I know where they live.

And I can testify of what I know even if I can hardly spell it. God has created ways of knowing and understanding that are as valid and meaningful for me and those like me as I imagine science to be for the smarty pants. When the spirit testifies to me I don't ask to look at the diploma. I believe. That is my gift.

Someday things will be more ...even. I truly believe this, even if I am using the wrong words to describe it. I feel that things will be better. First on my list of wants are smarts and a stronger chin. And to be straight - only with the experience and understanding I've learned being homosexual. My wife wants to be rich.

Someday, baby. Someday.

I am honored today to remember Henry Stuart Matis (1967-2000)

On February 25, 2000, Stuart Matis drove to the LDS chapel in Los Altos, California, and took his life. He felt that he could not reconcile his religion and his homosexuality. He was 32 years old. Stuart left a suicide note in which he requested that there not be a funeral because he wanted to be remembered alive. But his mother said that so many people came to her home and expressed love and told them that they needed to use the occasion to educate people about homosexuality, that they decided to hold the funeral.

The day of the funeral the chapel was full. The speakers were Stuart's mother, his father, and Robert Rees. Stuart's mother talked about the hurtful things people say about homosexuals. She said that we need to be more tolerant toward all of God's children.

Stuart hoped that greater understanding would come from his death. His suicide letter reassured his parents of his love for them. He said that he was at peace with himself and was freed from the chains of his mortality.

Stuart is buried at the Orem City Cemetery in Utah.

His brother Bill wrote the following: "To those who feel that my brother was no better than a murderer or an adulterer, I would like to say that the murderer and adulterer choose to be what they are. My brother didn't choose to be homosexual any more than you or I chose the color of our skin. Many who knew him say that he was one of the most Christ-like people they had ever met. He was a son, brother, uncle, nephew, cousin and true friend." *

Words by Stuart: "I implore the students at BYU to re-assess their homophobic feelings. Seek to understand first before you make comments. We have the same needs as you. We desire to love and be loved. We desire to live our lives with happiness. We are not a threat to you or your families. We are your sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, neighbors, co-workers and friends, and most importantly, we are all children of God."

I revere this man. I consider his efforts tragic and heroic. May we all refocus our efforts, though admittedly from many different vantages, to prove Gods love through his children.

*Taken from information provided by Affirmation Gay and Lesbian Mormons

Blue-Hoo-Hoo Part Two

I was sent a questionnaire to fill out. I think the questions were honest and useful, and frankly a bit uncomfortable for me so I took as a challenge. I see some wisdom in answering them. I am posting his questions, and then my answers.

1. Are you really happy now? Yes. I am happiest when I am being creative, and I am working on just that in my private life.
2. How do you react (in your brain) when you see good looking guys? I have reacted many ways in the past. I went from staring until my eyes fell out to trying to run them over with my truck. Now I try to acknowledge them for what and who they are and move on to the next moment in life.
3. Are you attracted to both men and women? You mean sexually? No.
4. When was your first experience with an other guy? How did it happen? I don't want to be graphic. I don't think anyone is served by that. It happened when I was old enough to take responsibility - after my mission during a summer internship -where I was greatly exposed & did some exposing myself. When I came back to Provo and BYU I looked around and I found a large subculture not just at BYU but Utah and SL Valleys. It was mostly anonymous sex in a neutral location. Romantic, huh?
5. When did you realized that you have SSA? When I first became aware of the differences between men and women - very early.
6. Did you go on a mission? Yes I did – proud of it! A real highlight of my life. I made the only healthy relationship with a guy to that point and worked hard. Somehow, I found a way to not masturbate while a missionary, not once!
7. Have you (Been) excommunicated and come back? How old are you? 40. I was dis-fellowshiped for some time – I rather gave up on the church after a problem with what I felt was a misrepresentation from a bishop. I became very promiscuous during this time.
9. Do you think that all experiences (including having sex with other guys) that you had were necessary to get married and give up gay desire? Of the two sons, who had more fun? -The partier/prodigal, or the dutiful/faithful. I wish I was the latter. But I am not. I admire the dutiful/faithful with all my heart. I saw the gay lifestyle (Not a popular word) from the inside-out for several years. I came to the conclusion that the gay lifestyle was not getting me what I most wanted. The sex was good in a base and anonymous way. I had problems trying to have a committed relationship, saw a culture based on the flighty and frivolous. I did get to know a wonderful man. He is now dead from AIDS. I'm lucky to be alive and well.
10. Do you think about guys when you masturbate? Tough one. I think, on the whole, guys should not focus on masturbation. It happens. But then I think we should move on to something a little more social.
11. Do you fantasize about guys? Used to. Most of my fantasizing was about having a total relationship with a guy, finding a friend and feeling like I was part of the greater. Though, truth be told, there has been raunch involved.
12. Do you think that you are forgiven? For being Homo? No need for forgiveness. God made me with strengths and weaknesses - he knows who I am. For being a gay-sex pig? Yes.
13. Do you mind talking to me in person? I have to be careful. I have a wife and kids and their health & welfare & safety have to come first. Also, my experience has been that a lot of these conversations get out of hand quickly - even those most well-intended. Maybe we can just keep it written and see.
14. Did getting married help you to reduce temptations? No. If anything it made things worse. Marriage created the perfect “cover” so to speak. Had I so choose, I could have pretended to have what I wanted (marriage, priesthood, church membership, community involvement) and then go find what else I wanted when no one was looking. Scary. There are a lot of gay Mormon men who choose this horrific path. I have not had sex with a man since I have been married – though it was close a time or two until I made the personal commitment with the Lord to follow him.
15. Have you had any problems with pornography before?(I have) Lots of porno problems. The Internet is the devil. I have to make sure the PC is in a commons area and I don't serf without a reason. I keep my safety levels on high and give all my passwords to others so anyone can get in at any time, which I consider a safety check.

THOSE WERE THERE QUESTIONS & ANSWERS . IF YOU HAVE OTHERS, NOW IS THE TIME.

Blue-hoo-hoo

Labels are defining/stifling
I have been sifting through received communications, and I gotta tell you that I love that there are questions. I love that there seems to be dialogue opened up for those mohos wishing to remain in the church and follow the teachings. There seems to be many out there, some of whom have great blogs and essays. I pray that I am one. One of the letters I received is from a man who feels that I am not gay enough. Jeesh! What's a guy gotta do.

Don't answer that.

Here is an abbreviated version of someones concern.

I question if your feelings for men were there always, or were something you developed over the years (and if so, what sorts of habits did you endeavor to yield such a consequence)? You married a woman for crying out loud. There's two possibilities there. At the time you married her, either you were sincerely and genuinely attracted to her--in which case you're not gay at least not 100% in a genuine manner, OR you weren't as attracted to her and really just faked it because you instead were more attracted to and more in love with pleasing god than your wife.

First, thank you so much for your letter. It allows us to discuss. I will start this off directly.

Is the concept that "gayness" is something one develops or learns over the years still being repeated? I thought that this line of thought was for the religious right wingers. I was born homosexual. It is not something that developed due to abuse or neglect. I have stated this from the beginning (waaay back to this blogs beginning - December 2009).

Second, there are only two reasons you can think of, Dear Reader, for a homosexual man to marry a woman? I truly question both the reasoning and your creativity. I will never be Mensa material, but even I can come up with more reasons than that with my right brain tied behind my back. For one, how 'bout finding someone you love that loves you back and is willing to take a chance on you? Like, you know, a marriage?

I don't mean to wax sarcastic. I am sometimes amazed at and marveled by the ability of humans to defend our own at the expense of others – including my own penchant. Without using sarcasm let me ask, if I choose blue are you wrong for choosing red? Should I feel guilty for my color choice? Should you?

Do I put your choice down simply be choosing differently than you?

I am a BYU fan. Hugely so. I don't know if it is because I schooled there or because I think of BYU as the church school. Both, I guess. I have one friend who is a U fan. It could happen.

I didn't realize when I choose to be a BYU fan that it was automatically assumed that I would think of University of Utah as my enemy. It has certainly worked out that way. My wife is more mature than I am - one of the reasons I love her. She cheers for her team, not against the others. That is the type of person I would like to be; the kind of fan that cheers for my team rather than cheers against the opponent.

So, am I "in love with pleasing God" as was asked? It is a romantic notion worthy of the sensitive man I feel that I am and always have been. Though I wouldn't use those terms, "in love with pleasing God", I understand what was asked, and I think that they are good words and true. Yes. Truth told, I am in love with the idea that my father would be pleased with me. I did marry my wife in a big part because I felt his guidance in doing so. He guides me because he wants what is best for me. He wants what is best for my wife, too. I both love my wife and am desirous to protect her, and I love the Lord for allowing me the privilege of doing so.

I have risked everything in what I feel is a just and right cause - and I am not talking about blogging. I am talking about the life choices I have made. That she has made also. It is worth the risk.

Not All Gays Are Buff, Not All Straights Are Butch

Looking up “gay man” in Google is a test of your filter, I tell ya. Mine is industrial strength – much like my teens body spray/disinfectant/bug spray combo.

Abs, abs, high cheekbones, abs, beautiful couples, a cute dog, more abs. A speedo. One could get the impression that physical appearance was most important on the list of what to look for on the gay list.

Hold on a second. Did anyone look up straight man? Hang on a sec. I'm going to do it now...

...Sorry that it's taking so long, my daughter just pulled out some cookies from the stove and the American man is getting ready to skate the long program. Why are there so many ads for Maybelline?...

Okay, straight dudes on Google; not much better. Shirt off, shirt off, some not-as-nice abs, Archie Bunker and Oprah. James Bond in a speedo.

Isn't that great! It seems that as far as superficiality we have hit equality! Let us celebrate by cutting fat or beefing up on carbs together and hitting the gym.

Truth be told, I would like to have nice abs as much as the next guy. I have no one to blame but myself that I'm carrying fifteen more pounds than I should have. My home-teacher who is a biker man has put on a bit, too.

I sealed my college speedo in blue paper and plastic. Someday when my wife pulls out her wedding dress to show our girls, I will pull my speedo out for my son.

I am way less concerned about it than I thought I would be back when I made a suicide pact with a college roommate to off myself if I ever wore more that a 34 waist. But I have decided that a 36 inch waist does not a failure make. I hope you don't think of me as an underachiever or a slouch for not sticking to my guns. I just don't think I could kill myself by draino or some other nasty concoction - other than Diet Coke & Mountain Dew. After all, I have family, I have a blog, ...I want to live!

So, now that we are older, we men gay and straight understand that there is more to life; families more than football, parenting rather than parades. Core values are important to all us men: morals, values, equality, nutrition and fiber. I like us better now that we are a bit wiser. I could give us all a hug.

You too, Bubba.

Okay, okay! 38!

Homosexual -vs- Gay Lifestyle?

I am being bombarded by folks asking what it means to "live a gay lifestyle?". Apparently I have set myself up as the Anne Launders of MoHos, the heavyweight-sumo-ski-bum of Mormon-SSA-dom, the Dr. Ruth for the...really gay people.

I kinda like being bombarded. But it is times like these that I wish I had listened in class - any class. There are many choices out there, and there are a whole lota possible working definitions. I think that I am being asked this question because I have, for my life, differentiated between "gay" and "gay lifestyle"

My personal homo-antidote is not going to change or shift it's focus because it differs from that of the general populace, be it known. Though I may understand choices made by other gays, I obviously do not agree with a whole lot of them as I may or may not agree with "straight" choices made by those darn straighties. Nor, by the way, is it my place to agree. And though I would not necessarily present these choices as alternatives on my blog or in my Quorum, I would fight for the right we have to choose them.

Living my Homo life will be different than yours. So?

What are "the life choices" for which we fight?

Regardless of my feelings, you lead your life and I lead mine. I would not choose to call your life style choices into personal judgement - though, collectively I do judge and than make decisions for my life as we all do.

How do I know what is right for me and mine?

I'll tell you how I know. Here goes.

Yeah,...I don't know. Sometimes I make my best guess and go with a gut feeling. Though I am a hardy proponent of Personal Revelation, I am hardly expert at it. I cant go running to you to see what answer you got. There is no cheating on the test. It is given to a single person for the benefit of that person. There is a line of authority.

And I am hopeful. The few times it has happened in my life have been quiet and subtle. I could easily have missed the message. Had I missed the message, would the Lord have sent me another one? I hope so. He may have sent a few to me that weren't read until he got a bit more bold, or I got more sensitive to things of the spirit. That I was lead to marry does not mean that you will be so lead, or that you should be so lead. If I believe in personal revelation for me, then I believe in it for you, and I must accept that the lord may tell you something different for your life.

Believing that the information or council He gives to me is universal would be arrogant.

I don't know the leaning of the church at large. I would be bowled over if LDS land came out to permit homo marriage. As a whole, the Churches place in the world is to protect families and children, and families and children do not appear to be at the for thought of gays an lesbians. - an observation. Gay marriage has a politically self serving reputation at this point in many large circles. I don't know if it is possible to change that perception or reality, or if the whole of the gay community even wants to change it. There are many loud, parade going folk that wish to use coming-out as an excuse for behavior that can be shown on TV news only with editing. These people over-run the family-going, marriage-wanting homos greatly in the public perception meter. Again, this is from my perception. If I was a professional image consultant, I would tell the parade-goers to put something on.

Begs the question, do we think all straight people are best represented by the bed hopping on prime time. No we don't. I hope not. But straight people ore not the ones trying to change things up. Gay people are. So put on pants - whether they zip at the front or at the side - and go to a meeting. "Out and Proud" does not have to mean "naked and hanging." "What have you done with the kids while you're parading?" is what family promoters and defenders want to know. I want to know.

As I write, I see the steam rising, and some of it is mine. "Who does he think he is..." I am not now, nor will I ever be in a situation to morally judge others. - excepting the every day decisions that come with every day life. (Do I let my kids hang with the dealers across the street, do I ask the man with bulging pockets and price tags still on his jeans to come back into the store for a look-see, do I wear my "PETA" button to a bar on deer-hunt weekend, has Sean Hanty calmed down enough today so that I won't throw something at another radio.)

There are some judgments we make daily because God has given us both a brain and people to take care of. I tend to stick with my experience or my feelings and private study on any matter. I do believe in personal revelation as you have read.

Two reminders at this point - revelation can originate from two differing sources so make sure you understand the differences, and two, personal revelation does not supersede that of the living prophet. I believe in clearing out the pipeline to allow Heavenly Father, through his spirit, to communicate with me. I think everyone can and should do what it takes to be in a position to hear the lord. What that may mean for you may not be the same for me.

I am a gay man. I have never been anything but. I had a lot of gay sex. I liked it. I even had a relationship or two...well one and a half... that I considered to be lasting and healthy and based on more than just sex. Because of that I realized for me that there was something else for me. Based on my experiences and on personal revelation, I made a decision. I wanted a family and a Household, and a relationship with someone who needed and loved me and counted on me. I found the way for me that most successfully facilitated this. I got confirmation from the Lord that what I was doing was right for me.

From the Lord through the Spirit to me. Or you. Or anyone who seeks to know the will of God. Line of authority.

And back to the question. What is the difference between a gay lifestyle and gay in general? For you, I don't know. You have to find out for yourself. For Me?

Homosexual is being sexually attracted to ones same sex. Living a gay lifestyle could be defined as acting on that impulse. In my life, I define homosexual to be one of the things I am, living a Gay lifestyle is what I would choose to do.

My wife tells me to stop posting so often. She thinks that absence makes the reader grow fonder, and that most post once a week.

I say...Read Faster!

My Agenda

I was recently confronted by an incredibly learned gentleman who chided my writing ability. Spelling and grammar, or the lack there-of were his targets. And with reason. Unfortunately, I had handed him the ammo myself. I can't spell and I have never met a run-on sentence I didn't like. If a malapropism and/or creative conjugation gets a smile out of somebody or can be used to make a point, so be it. Bad grammar can be a tool of choice. At least, that is what I am using for today's excuse.

Also, I went to grammar school in Idaho. I cant spell potatoe, but I can probably beat you into one if you mess with my family or my diet coke. Take that all you snooty spellers and grammar-philes.

Yeah, yeah, I cant spell. Sorry. But I still like myself and I think most people to whom I don't know money like me too.

I am not a General Authority. Surprise! I am not a Bishop, and my stint in the Elders Quorum presidency is infamous at best. (You may have heard of the great Mormon film-strip incident of 2001. It was in all the papers. Okay, only the SL Tribune).

There are a few things I feel that I do well. When I don't do something well, something that needs to be done, I make my apologizes to the perfectionists & the in-laws and then do it anyway. When I speak it or mis-spell it, I do so on my own. I don't speak for the LDS church. I don't speak for any organization.

I am a Mormon Man. I have a temple recommend. I am homosexual in orientation. I do not, however, have sex with anyone but my lawful spouse. I am married to a woman. She knows of my orientation and of my past. My past is very, shall we say, colorful and sorted. I am lucky to not be HIV positive.

There are reasons I have made the choices I have made since my oat-sowing days. But, because I have made and am making these decisions for my life does not give me the authority or ability to make them for anyone else. Nor am I so influenced or obligated by the life choices of others. Ask me a question, and I will answer it to the best of my ability. The answer for me may change tomorrow.

I believe that I don't know everything. I believe that I will continue to learn as I go along. I believe that there is no one on earth with all the answers and only a few with access to these answers.

These people will not be online or on this blog spot. This is not a topic that will be soon discussed from the pulpit. That's one of the reason I write.

I didn't start this blog with an outline. I am not reciting from a manual. I write as I question and am questioned. I want to learn and assist in learning. I would also like to make people laugh if at all possible without having to post another photo.

Dont make me post it!

Clothing Optional?

I am watching my event invitations on face book from some of my gay friends, and by “watching” I mean deleting. More than half have names like “Babylon” or “fresh meat”, or are for underwear parties. Even some of the sweet Valentine cards I get from folks I love and respect are of scantly clad dudes with big feet and little speedos or less.

As a FYI, I am not a prude. I have hung and swung on Love's Jungle Gym with the boys for long enough to understand the culture.

At this point I have to consider just what kind of friends I have. I wonder if my partners name was Emilio instead of Emily if they would still be sending me these invitations. Somehow I think that yes, they would.

What is with that? My straight friends don't send me crap like that – and I do think it's crap, I gotta tell you. And if they did I would not hesitate to send it back to said straight friend with a note attached saying that I have a family and kids and I would rather not they send this stuff to my house or to my screen. I have a feeling that if I did that to my gay friends - send them a note to watch what they send to a family with young children - I would hear about it in the trades. They would be played by Sean Pen in the movie, and I would be played by Ernest Borgnine.

Are we still okay with dehumanizing anyone in that way - Man or Woman? If I got that invite with a woman in the same pose I think most of us would consider it trash and report it to NAACP or NOW or MADD or the YMCA or someone to whom we could share our outrage. Why is the standard different for we homos?

Is the assumption that I am gay and therefore a slut? What do gay couples who are in a commented relationship do when they get this kind of stuff? What do gay guys who are not into that kind of lifestyle do - those looking for long term relationships and stability and not just killer abs and a pouch? - And to be clear, the lifestyle I am speaking of is one where it's okay to wear less, become more base in general, anonymous sex in back-rooms and bathrooms and steam-houses, etc. Are there other gay guys who are as fast to delete this invite and to reconsider what you as a person or we as a culture are about?

Does the world think that Gay equals Promiscuity? I think the world does. I think this is a huge reason the nation is reluctant to grant marriage rights to gays. I think gays and straights think that a gay lifestyle means to "get it while were young, 'cause gay ain't old and wrinkled and soft?"

I sometimes think that the reason there seems to be so much promiscuity is that we gay people have had to get "it" on the sly, or keep it underground because of the mainstream attitudes and perceptions and governing styles - including gay culture self perception. When I was younger and hot and heavy, sexing up any cute, buff willing participant, I would have gone to one of these party invites without a qualm. Would I have done so to an equally skanky straight party if I were straight? Double standard, anyone?

What if "Gay" had always been treated as a equal alternative to what is generally believed to be the norm? What if I had been allowed to get to know a guy in the same way I would have dated a girl - to a movie and a dinner, or bowling. (like I could get a gay guy into those shoes.)

What if gay was treated the same as straight. Would gay singles be wild and free, and gay marrieds be the ones who settled down? Would all couples regardless of orientation get together with our kids and yell at the wild young fools of either orientation to turn their music down a notch or seven and let the rest of us sleep?

There will not be changes in the perceptions of the general populace if the common belief continues to be that gays are promiscuous. Where are the gay families to support the notion that gays are as capable to raise children as straight couples are? Or is that the real holdup. Finding enough stable committed gay couples to fill that gap in perception.

Certainly there are enough that stayed home from the Wednesday Midnight Thong and Jock dance-off?

A New And More Sensitive Super Bowl

While I am outwardly deeply offended at the blatant connotation that two men being physical can only be homo, I also humored by this and am giggling on the inside. I hope that you are too.

Tim Tebow's Mama!

I didn't see the infamous ad. I saw a small 15 second one at the beginning of the game with Tebow tackling his mother and her shrugging him off like a fly that was cute, but obviously not the controversial one. And I did see the Betty White Snickers Ad and thought it was not only adorable, but effective in that I remembered it was for "Snickers".

Oh, come on, MoHoMen! I'm talking about the Super Bowl! Did anyone see the Super Bowl? Austin Collie, New Orleans, The Who? Tight White Pants?

Well, for those who didn't and instead watched St Elmo's Fire on Lifetime, it was a football game that happened on Sunday right after sacrament meeting played by the Colts and the Saints, and the Colts were supposed to win, but they couldn't pull it out - much to my personal chagrin.

The commercial I am mentioning was supposed to be a pro-choice debacle with Tim and his mom featured.

Was there any controversy? Did the anti-pro-life people freak out for nothing?

My wife believes it was some maniacal plot, a ploy - that the Right baited the Left and got the response they wanted - a loud and public discussion that was worth more-than-the-million-dollar price tag paid for the advertisement it's self.

I think she is attributing to the Right more brains than probable.

What Say You?

Big Sliver - Get The Plyers!

Okay, the time has come for action.

Ten minutes ago it was the time for a diet coke. Now that I've got drink in hand, I am ready to take on the world. Diet coke and Prozac are like mothers milk to the GMM.

I know I'm not the first crazy person to say it and I doubt I'll be the last, but I think that we are approaching a time of great change. I think that our attitudes about living, and our perceptions of what we believe to be right or wrong, or even right and right will fluctuate dramatically. I think a lot of it will be for good.

I think we can't sit on the fence for very much longer. I'd give it a month or so, and then I'd be for picking the slivers out of our collective hineys and then getting up and out.

If you are on the cusp of making a decision, maybe its time to make it now. Personal Revelation is not just a nice thought from LDS Land. Some people call it intuition, or gut feeling. Or a burning sensation, (but that sounds a little to much like something else entirely, so lets keep to "Personal Revelation"). Our Heavenly Father can, through the spirit speak to you. I know this to be true. If you need to believe so just because I said so, you can for awhile. Promptings tend to be subtle – which allows us to use our agency, but they are real and reliable.

I have been at a place in my life where I thought myself not worthy for these promptings. How crazy is that? So I suck, and am continuing to suck, and everyone else also thinks I suck, and the Lord is not going to see that I suck & give me the info to help me out of suck-land? Lunacy.
Musical theatre geeks might recognize the quote...

“I choose, and my world was shaken. So what?
The choice may have been mistaken the choosing was not”.

I know that there are bad choices that can be made – like choosing to be a stripier at a NASCAR bar, wearing a tub-top to a wedding, or being a Ute fan. But most of the choices for us in Mormon-Priesthood-holders-wearing-pink-dom seem to be, "Can I do what I know is right, and still open my personal beliefs and boundaries to include those who do things I don't like", or "Should I say something or do something proactive?" or simply, "Should I say or do?"

We can commit to being Christ-like. We can commit to loving and serving others. We can commit to dedicating a part of our day to something for which we may not receive praise or credit. And while we sit on the fence of our choosing watching housewives of orange county or RuPauls Girls, afraid to make the wrong choice, there is a whole world moving 'round us that may be going down the toilet.

Time to flush, or get off the pot.

How Else Will We Know?

What really makes Kermit the frog tick?

Do you ever worry that we spend an exorbitant amount of time reading/blogging/studying about how to live our life, and not nearly as much time actually living it?

But we have to see how other guys are doing it, or how else will we know...right?

How else will we know?

My home-teacher is a biker. Not a Harley biker like my dainty little sister from Idaho, but a bicycle racer with the helmet and the Lycra and the whole bit. He's a former football player that was on the local high school's team when they won the state championship. He is married with kids and has a stable job that puts food on the table and clothes on his family. He does well with it. He likes it. He goes out biking on long treks and even finishes a few of the races. His exercising helps him stay fit and active, and he feels good.

Then he goes home to his wife and kids. Sometimes he comes over to my house and we talk about BYU football and I make fun of his shaved legs, and he makes fun of my gut. He does not feel the need to go home and study his next move in the being a man game. He just is what he is.

The happiest people I know don't study how to be happy. They just are. They have found a way to live with a different focus – one that is not necessarily aimed right back at themselves. They do things. They act on positive impulses. The are pro-active with what they know. If they don't know, they give it a shot.

One of the drawbacks to being a sensitive guy is that I analyze and over analyze much to the point of being so busy analyzing that I have no time to go out and do what I want. Sometimes I think I don't know what I really want because I CAN'T FREAKIN' MOVE!

I think I am going to move today. I'm writing this down, maybe even throwing a spell check on the dang thing, and then I am going to go somewhere. I might even take someone with me. I'm going to find what makes me tick by doing something, not by reading something or blogging something. Today is for doing. Today is find my bliss day. If not my bliss, at least some bliss.

If I come back happier, singing some stupid song and my kids are making fun of me, then you will know I did it right. If I don't find it right off, I'll try again tomorrow.

I might borrow me some Lycra and a bike.

Flogging The Blogging

I originally started this blog for two reasons if I want to be honest. Maybe three if I want to be a whole lot more honester. (Just made that up)

The first was to see if there was anybody else out there in blog-land, and I mean SSA, Mormon, SSA and Mormon, Mormons Wanting To Stay Mormons in Good Standing, Mormons Standing, Mormons Sitting, Gay Men Both Sitting And Standing.

I found a few. Hello! How are you? How's the rash?

The second reason was to be a positive influence in causing good both, A: supporting those who had made a similar decision as I did/have, and B: those interested in making that choice or learning about that line of thought/action.

I must admit, one of the greatest pleasures that this blog affords me is receiving responses from others. I love the feedback from everyone, and I find a satisfaction hearing back from men who are guilty-by-association of the same affliction I have - if I may call it an affliction. How about "Challenge"? How 'bout "Blessing"? I feel validated like I don't feel elsewhere except sometimes in prayer I suppose, even when someone adamantly disagrees with a stance I've taken.

The third; possibly to vent. Living in/with the style I have chosen to live in/with is sometimes a challenge. I think any lifestyle that fits somehow around homosexuality (and maybe sexuality in general) is hugely challenging. I like to write. And a chronicling blog that helps organizes my thoughts, airs questions, and provokes pro-active thought seemed like a good thing.

So, if I am chronicling and being positive and venting & pro-active and all that good stuff, there is no need for a forth reason.

However I think there is a forth reason. I think there an element of pleasure that I get from writing about the forbidden. If I am looking honestly at my blogging or reading others who are blogging about homosexuality - and I will be blunt, I think there is a degree of “getting off”.

To a degree. I see this in the writing of others also. That is when I noticed it. (I tend to notice things in others before I can see it in myself - like arrogance and body-odour) There is an air of titillation (my spell check won't touch that one and I can't say as I blame it) in most of the blogs I read, and there are a lot of blogs that I am starting to exclude from my reading list. Some are thought provoking. Some are written with less intelligence that comes to the table with a plate of spam. Some have great heart, some intellectualize everything. Some are pornographic – writing about exploits and masturbatory fantasies, using Mormon Homo-nurotica in a format that would be pegged soft porn elsewhere. (I think I just invented a cool new catch phrase) I think I have been guilty of all of the above.

In which case, I don't want to be there. Here. I don't want to add to the problem - the question begging, "what does he consider the problem to be?"

Being Gay? No. As I gain maturity I appreciate this gift more and more.

The problem is Mormon men caught in the middle.

If I have learned anything from films with cool effects and no plot, it is that time is short. It is the hour for making a choice. The middle can be no longer place for Mormon men to stand.

Maybe there is a fifth reason. I can say here what I cant say to anyone I know. Not that I am keeping secrets: I am leaning less and less towards that as I age. (Not a good gay word) But there are political, spiritual emotional aspects of being gay that don't seem to belong in a conversation with my home teacher, or elders quorum president, or bishop. Or sister or mother or best friend for that matter. I don't know how much my wife can hold, and so I am careful, thoughtful as to what I lay on her and how often.

So. There is is. Those are the reasons I blog. Some obvious and some less so. Some embarrassing, and some not.

Why do you read?